neomails *new #68 Theme Song#67 Movie Fun

[Mr. Teatime]

Odd how the family seemed interest in eating everyone except for the floating cooked chicken. Ah, well, I won't complain.

Good job, happy 15 days after Decemberween.

[Depressio]

Good type work neo. Way to get your Decemberween special out. Neilsen jokes were the best part. I don't think fun_timey will ever be the same. Now all he does is sing "The Safety Dance" over and over, and he doesn't even know most of the words.

[ChocolateMetal]

Crazy Unguraits.

Yet another argument against Christmases on farms.

Good/Bad

[ACPigeon]

Oh, I forgot to comment in here. I'm gonna have to agree with dB, the whole "Spleen" thing might be a tad overdone, but other wise, that was pretty good. Bes' Par':

Vikesfan: It also means that Leslie Neilsen can stop by whenever he wants and we have to feed him.

[neowhyachi]

neo sits in the TV room alone for a change.  He's currently playing something on the PS2.

neo: Woo hoo. Metal slime king!!  Okay let's see. nameless hero do thunder thrust. Yangus you do excicutionor.  Jessica Twin Dragon Lash. Angelo: Metal slash......Okay now please do not run away mr. slime......woo Hooo that's right attack me don't run away...... okay three damage from Jessica and Angelo....Now one hit kill him with thunder thrust hero.....I said kill not miss entirely....Okay bring us home Yangus.....Yes!!! 30,000 xp right there boy!!!  Wow. How long have I been playing Dragon Quest 8: Journey of the Cursed King? Avaliable now in any number of fine video game retailers. Hey AC what time is it?

AC: It's 3. no wait it's 2...no wait it's 1. No wait it's 'end'....hey who set their alarm for 'end'?

neo: Check a clock other then the microwave you idiot. 

AC: OH....it's 12...now it's nothing..now it's 12..now it's nothing. 

neo: That's the VCR clock!! Ayame what time is it? 

Ayame: Why didn't you ask me in the first place?

neo: Brain hiccup

Teatime: Hey neo your new computer arrrived.

neo: Sweet when?

Teatime: About the time you were yelling 'I'm going to kill you Charmles!' at that Dragon Quest game. I already set  it up.

neo: Sweet.

neo walks into the computer room where the new VerMech 7500 Laptop computer sits where the likes of the Dellomundo and the computty have sat.

neo: Okay let's get this party started.

run_neomails.exe

error. please imput password

neo: What's this crap. Okay teatime must have set up a password system when he set up the computer. Now then I know Teatime like the back of my hand......wait I don't have hands. I'm a freak aAAAAAAAAA!!!!!.......whoa whatever I ate that caused that little episode I'm never eating it again. Okay let's get a crackin'

password: colonel_sanders_is_the_devil

incorrect password

password: sunglasses_rock

incorrect password

password: ayame_is_teh_1337_hotness

incorrect password

neo: Okay apparently there's more to teatime then his hatred of the Colonel. His love of cool sunglasses and his creepy obsession with Ayame......Hey Teatime get in here!!

Teatime: Yes?

neo: Password...what is it?

Teatime: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. And you'll have to enter them every 108 minutes

neo: Oh......What!!

Teatime: I don't make the rules...oh wait  I do cause I set up the computer that way.

neo: We'll see about that.

4 8 15 16 23 42

Welcome user

run_computersettings.exe

settings command: run_nomorepassword.exe

password function turned off

neo: Haha

Teatime: The Dharma Intitiative will here of this.

neo: Eh stick it in your hatch hole.

neo: Okay that's enough of that.

run_neomails.exe

Dear neo,

has the Matrix ever permiated aspects of your life.

The White Shadow

neo: Why yes yes they have. I can think of no less then three occassions in which it has. There was that time at Karate Class.

Cut to neo and the gang at Karate Class

AC:Whoa I know Kung Fu.

neo: We're at a Karate studio not a Kung Fu place.

AC: Whoa I know Kung Fu.

Vikesfan: You've only been to one lesson you idiot.

AC: Whoa I know Kung Fu.

CM: Shut up!!!

AC: Whoa I know Kung Fu.

Ayame: Oh lord...people are starting to stare...this is the last time I invite you guys to my Karate class.

AC: SPLEEN!!!

cut back to the present.

neo: And there was that time Vikesfan and Teatime stole my car and tried to enact the Reloaded chase scene.

Cut to Vikesfan and Teatime dressed in black driving fast through the spooky forest  in neo's 95 Plymouth Neon Aka The Red Paperweight.  They have sheared the top off making it a make-shift convertable.

Teatime: We have to get the Key Maker to safety. The Agents are following us.

Vikesfan: That's not an Agent....That's neo in Depressio's Sandwhich cart....and boy does he look mad.

Teatime: That's the least of our worries.

They suddenly drive over the edge of the creepy cliff.

Vikesfan: Oh my but this is going to hurt.

Cut back to neo.

neo: Oh ya that reminds me.

He runs into the TV room.  And hits Vikesfan with a phonebook.

neo: That's for costing me thousands of dollars on my car insurance.

Vikesfan: Ow....I told at least a dozen times to switch to Geico.

neo goes back into the computer room.

neo: And there was that time I went and visited that creepy little town cause CM was in the hospital.

Cut to neo sitting in a waiting room of a hospital. A doctor approaches.

Doctor: Mr. Anderson...I see you're here for you're prostate exam.

neo: Whoa dude. My name is neo.

Doctor: Ha ha. Sure it is. Now come here.

neo: Running time.

neo runs off and takes cover in the nearest building.

neo: *reading the sign.* Hook Lion and Synker. Oh boy, and I bet their secretary is named Gil T Azel.

Gil: That is correct Mr. Anderson.

neo: Uhh my name is neo.

Gil: Mr. Anderson are you aware it's a federal offense to lie to a law offices secretary.

neo: I'm not lying and the last time I checked I'm pretty sure that was about as far from federal offense as you could get.

Gil: Well I'm calling the police anyways.

neo: Running time...again.

neo runs across the street to a laundry mat.

Laundry uh person: Mr. Anderson....your leisure suit is ready.

neo: My name is neo. And I wouldn't be caught dead in that ugly thing.

neo walks outside.

neo: I gotta get out of this town.  Why did CM need surgery here of all places.

?? *from behind*: Mr. Anderson. At last we meet.

neo: For the last time I'm not Mr. Anderson. My name is neo!!

neo turns around and sees a goblin in a bowler cap just like him.

Mr. Anderson: I know. Cause I'm Mr. Anderson. And you're the one that's been ruining my reputation.

neo: Hey dude I just was here visiting my sick girlfriend. I can't help it if I'm the mirror image of you.

Mr. Anderson: Let's see if you can help my foot!!

He spring kicks and hits neo in the face sending him down an embankment into a rivine.  Later neo comes to and sees a man in a 3 piece suit with a briefcase standing over him.

G-man: It's time to get up Mr. Freeman.

neo: Groan.

Cut back to the present.

neo: So ya the Matrix pretty much has permiated my life....and that's probably why I hate it so much.  Now if you'll excuse me I have Metal Slime kings to hunt.

neo runs out of the room.

neo: Oh come on I said not to run away you stupid smiling crown wearing blob things!!!


If you'd like a neomail answered please email him at neowhyachi@yahoo.com or PM him

[ChocolateMetal]

Cool. I'm a purple belt.

Can't wait for the next one.

[Depressio]

The sandwich kart officially enters ANOTHER email thread. You can't deny its...lettuce.

Anyways, keep up the email goodness.

[neowhyachi]

It is a typical day as neowhyachi, everyone's favorite bowler cap bagle loving goblin sits in his TV/Game room with the rest of his ragtag party of misfits. Mr. Teatime the semi-immortal floating chicken, Vikesfan the Ungrait human punching bag, Ayame the Nurse/hypnotist/ninja/all around hottie anime girl, CM the cheatling and neo's girlfriend, and AC Pigeon...Dumb as a rocker and getting dumber by the minute. They are all engaged in a rather untypical debate.

neo: For the last time they aren't going to do it.

AC: Think about it. Katamari Damacy, We (heart) Katamari. The only logical next step would be Katamari Mariachi

neo: Please just stop talking.

AC: I mean the story's already there.

Ayame: What story? Last time I checked those games were 99.9% insanity .1% story.

AC: Okay...now bear with me one this one.  One night after eating a bad tequila worm the King of all Cosmos destory's all the music in Mexico, and through the magic of the Katamaris the Prince will have to create new music.

Vikesfan: I'd hate to say it but, that sounds like something the Japanese developers would actually come up with.

CM: Wait a minute didn't we have this same debate last week with CATamary Damacy

Teatime: And the week before that it was Kalamari Damacy.

Ayame: And the week before that Teatime and neo had that equally inane debate about who would win in a fight. Locke, Jack, Mr. Eko, and Kate from "Lost" or the Cast of Dragon Quest VIII.

neo: Ya that was a pretty heated debate....sorry bout stabing you with that fork man.

Teatime: No problem. And the week before that AC started this whole trend with his idea for Katamari Bed Bath and Beyond.

AC: Speaking of the restaurant business. I'm late for work.

With that AC rushes off.

Vikesfan....well that was the weirdest segway ever.

neo: Is anyone else blown away by the fact that someone would actually hire him.

Vikesfan: I am.

neo: Well I'm gonna go check my email.  Seems like the most obvious thing to do after having a debate invovling Katamari Damacy.

neo walks into the computer room and logs into his email.

run_neomails.exe
Dear Neo,
You should like, totally make a movie, dude. Do it. Now. And make it about something gnarly...like...how ACP dies, and then the current time ACP finds our, and has to go to the future and save himself in the future from dying.

-cons

neo: I'm sorry Mr. Con-man...derson. I'm not gonna do that for two very good reasons. 1. Everyone knows AC is too stupid to save anyone....let alone himself..and 2. I hate time travel. Though your idea of a movie intrigues me. Let me consult my pool of ideas, AKA the crew.

Later neo and the rest of the neomails gang are gathered in the kitchen.

neo: Okay movie idea...who has one.

Vikesfan: Bio-pics are big now.... how about we do one on Tetsuya Theodore "Ted" Fujita creator of the Fujita scale.

neo: How about you shut up so I won't have to hurt you.

Ayame: How about we do one where I hypnotically take control of you guys and then the world....Oh wait I could actually do that. Muhahahaha.

neo: Uh um er...Am I going to have to give you a time out.

Ayame: Yeesh can't you understand sarcasim.

CM: What about a movie adaptation of a lesser known Shakesphere play. Like King Henry the 5th.

neo: I'm sorry but I pretty sure in today's world people would rather go see an Uwe Boll film before  Shakesphere. Hmmm maybe a horror film Like some weird guy breaks into someones house while they aren't home and disguises themselves as a chair. Then they leave before occupants get home, but there will be a place at their table where the weird guy was a chair and they will wonder why there isn't a chair there. Then a few days later they will leave the chair disguise on their doorstep and home owners will suddenly realize what has happened and  will be afraid all the time.....oh wait I read that on somethingawful.

Teatime: Well I guess I'm last. And fortunatly the best is always saved for last. I have in my possession the ultimate screen play which was written after carefully studying that the last most successful movies were either sequels crossovers or remakes.  So we're gonna make a secwamake.

neo: Brilliant. Let's get started.

Cut to a move theater with people watching a rough cut of the movie.

Teatime and Vikesfan are walking along on the screen.

Teatime: *breaths heavily* Frodo Baggins...I am your father.

Vikesfan: But gandolf said.

Teatime: Gandolf is a liar. Always has been always will.

CM floats up.

CM: Auntie em. Auntie em the yellow brick road has lead to the fires of Mount Doom. But what are those things surrounding it.

Ayame walks up dressed like Lara Croft but wearing a  Fadora.

Ayame: Snakes.. Why did it have to be snakes....they're so much harder to shoot.

The movie cuts off abruptly.

neo: So what did you guys think of Star Lord Oz Croft Jones 2: electric boogaloo?

Depressio: That was so bad I think it gave me cancer.

D_B: I can still see the pictures even if I close my eyes.

neo: Hmm I'm gonna have take that as a no.

CM: Don't feel bad neo. most first time film makers usually fail miserably.

neo: Ya. But I can't help but wonder.....Just where did AC get a job.

Cut to AC at a video game store. His manager is beside him, and a young woman is being loaded into an ambulance.

Manager: Now AC what did you learn today.

AC: That the X-box is heavy.

Manager: And....

AC: That when getting one off the top shelf one should use a ladder.

Manager: And....

AC: That, that girl's parents are gonna sue the company because I dropped an X-Box on their daughter's head.

Manager: Correct...though how on earth could you not know an x-box was heavy.

AC: Well neo hates the X-Box. And ayame just thinks they're the devil incarnate. She even has a method of dealing with one should  it ever enter the house.

Manager: I see....Well you're still fired.

AC: I know. I know.


If you'd like a neomail answered please email him at neowhyachi@yahoo.com or PM him

Extra special thanks go out to my YIM friend Malroth for creating the Katamari Mariachi pic.

[ChocolateMetal]

Whoa. That was some SERIOUSLY good emailing.

That Katamari Damacy song will be stuck in my head for ages now.

[neowhyachi]

neo is sitting in the computer room talking on a cell phone.

neo: So how's life in the big city? Uh huh...uh huh....they put the who in the what now?  How's the new place. Uh huh.....rat's the size of my head?  Well it's been good talking to you. Ya the neighborhood's still kinda down. It's just not the same without you. See ya. 

neo then turns towards the computer and logs in

run_neomails.exe

Dear neo,

It's time you had a theme song for neomails. Watching you utter some inane phrase before answering your email just isn't doing it anymore.

Saucingly,

Catfish Jake

neo: Saucingly? Anyways, ya neomails does need a theme song. And I think I know how to do it!

Cut to neo and the gang gathered around a telephone pole. A flyer is stapled on it.

CM(reading): First Ever Neomails Theme Song Competition?

neo: Yup.

Ayame: Why?

neo: Well first off we need a theme song, and second I'm lazy and want to hear people sing about me. So I'm having this contest. Now CM, Ayame, and I will be judges. AC you interview contestants, and Vikesfan, you and Teatime try and prevent him from doing something stupid.

Vikesfan: Uhh shouldn't one of us just do the interview instead of having two assigned to a task that could be avoided.

neo: Do not argue with my logic!

Vikesfan: Okay fine.

neo: Now let's get this show on the road!


A few hours later a large line has formed infront of neo's house. AC is standing beside it

AC: Hello America! I'm Ryan Seacrest and I would like to welcome you to American Idol!

Vikesfan(off camera): You are not Ryan Secrest and this is not American Idol you Mayotard!

Inside Mackiest is standing infront of neo, Ayame, and CM. 

Mackiest: Neomails! It's better then a bowel of clam chowder! Neomails it's better then kick to the teeth! Neomails! It's better then drinking skim milk! Neomails! It's just a great thing all around!

neo: Stop! First of all you're fat. Second of all you're ugly, and perhaps least importantly you couldn't hold a tune to save your soul!

Ayame: Awww come on I think he has a nice baratone.

CM: Hey I like clam chowder.

neo: You're out! Next!

Outside AC is talking to another contestant.

AC: Hello future contestant! I'm Ryan Secrest. Who are you and where are you from?

Malroth: Hi. I'm Malroth from Anime Land and this is my band The Anime Hotties x 4

AC: Wow all the way from Anime Land. After all these years we've finally gone international.

Vikesfan(off screen): This is only the first time we've done this you idiot!

Teatime(off screen): And for the last time you are not Ryan Seacrest!

AC: Oh.....Seacrest..Out!! *runs off*

Malroth: What the heck just happened?

Back inside That_Goblin is auditioning. Though since he can't talk he can't sing so he just pulls out a pitcher and starts making a fruit beverage.

neo: You don't have the voice of angels. You have the voice of nails on a chalk board. And you're fruit drinks taste like swill.

T_G starts crying and runs off.

Ayame: Gee weren't you a bit harsh?

neo: No! What's a bit harsh is that neon yellow top with those black pants.

Ayame pulls out a anime style hammer and smacks neo into the wall.

neo: Okay....maybe I was a bit out of line there.

Back outside Goombazoid is having a Anti-Email protest.

Goombazoid: Down with emails! Down with emails.

AC walks up to him.

AC: Hello sir. I'm Ryan Seacrest. What will you be singing tonight?

Goombazoid: I'm not a singing I'm protesting.

AC: Facinating. Where do you hail from?

Goombazoid: Go away.

AC: I, Ryan Secrest am from Dunwoody, Georgia.

Goombazoid: Hey why aren't you two yelling at him to shut up?

Vikesfan(off camera): Because we don't like you.

Back inside It is Potthole's turn.

Potthole: Nana nana na neomails! Nana nana na neomails! Nana nana na neomails! Neomails! Neomails! Neomails. Nana nana na neomails!

neo: Brilliant. You have got to be the first person in the universe to do a parody of the Batman theme. We are standing in the midsts of a creative genius.

Ayame: My only problem was it lacked the violence one expects from a batman theme.

CM: Songs should promote love and peace not violence.

neo: Either way he's out.

Back outside AC approaches Malroth and the Anime Hotties x 4 again
AC: Hello. How are you tonight sir.

Malroth: Oh great it's you again. Let me guess you're Ryan Seacrest and you're hear to interview me. 

AC: What? No. I'm James Woods.

Malroth: Oh....What?!

AC: An tonight on "Reading Classics Aloud" I will be reading "An Occurrance at Owl Creek Bridge"

Malroth: Please go away. 

AC: This wonderful tale by Ambrose Bierce....

Malroth: Go Away! You're starting to freak out the hotties...and me too. Where is that floating chicken and that weird guy that pulled you away earlier? 

AC: It is the story of a man who is sentenced to death by hanging at the Owl Creek Bridge of the title only the rope breaks and the man goes free only to lean that this was a cruel cruel hallucination.
 
Malroth (pulling out an electric guitar): Don't make me go FLCL on you cause I will. 

Vikesfan: Why go FLCL when you can go El Cabong? *pulls out a guitar and smashes it over AC's head*  Cabong!

Malroth: Thank you. Alright it's our turn.

Malroth and his band go inside.

Malroth: Hello I'm Malroth and this is my band The Anime Hotties X 4

Ayame: Wooo!

Malroth and the anime hotties (to the tune of the MST3K theme):
In the not to distant future
Right here in the BHZ
There was a guy named neo
Just a goblin like you or me
He lurked in the chaotic threads
Just another face who was ranked Poopsmith
He did a good job lurking around the place
But he got an idea and wanted email space!!

He'll answer cheesy emails.
The worst he can find (la la la)
He'll have to sit answer them all
To occupy his time (la la la)
Now keep in mind neo can't control
When emails begin or end (la la la)
He'll try and keep his sanity
With the help of his email friends

neomails roll call

Teatime! (freaky chicken!)
Ayame! (total hottie!)
AC! (idiot!)
CM! (Hi girl!)
Vikesfan! (flunkie!)
Croooow!

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a thread,
I should really just relax
For neowhyachi's emails 2000.....6!"
*guitar twang*

neo, Ayame, and CM are giving them a standing ovation.

neo: Ya!

Ayame: Brilliant!

CM: A masterpiece.

neo: I do believe we've found our theme song!

Malroth: Sweet. What do we win?

neo: Oh..uh.. the warm fuzzy feeling that you helped out your fellow man....er goblin.

Malroth: I don't think so. Get him girls!

Girls: Yes Malroth!

neo: Uh little help.

Ayame: No way. It's not my fault you didn't plan on this.

neo: Aaaaaaaa!!

Malroth, Ayame, and CM watch neo get the snot beat out of him.

Ayame: Sooooooo you wanna get a soda or something?

Malroth: Sure.



If you'd like a neomail answered please email him at neowhyachi@yahoo.com or PM him.

Massive thanks go out to my friend Malroth who made the easter egg pic and does not have a rock band of 4 anime hotties (that I know of)

[ChocolateMetal]

Heehee! This was a good 'un!

A bowel of clam chowder sounds frightening indeed.

I had to read "An Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge" for school. Messed up stuff.

Laters.

[Depressio]

That might've been one of your all-time bests.

potthole singing the Batman theme song/10

[HomeStarRunnerTron]

HAH! Best. Neomail. EVER!

In my opinion, but how do I know? I still need to go back and catch up. AGAIN.

10/10

Best Points:

-suspicious talk on cellphone

-Saucingly

-AC pretending to be Ryan Seacrest, then James Wood (basically every line he says from that point on is hilarious)

-Anti-Email Goombazoid

-The Easter Egg Pic

You never fail to please and or make me laugh.

-HSRT