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Burning Horizon's H*R Fan-Forum « Depressio's Sadmail - NEW -> Film Criticism »

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Question: So...the 200th email and the end of Sadmails...
Well done. *clap* - 15 (38.5%)
Hmm...pretty interesting. - 1 (2.6%)
Eh. - 3 (7.7%)
*sniff* I cried during the credits. - 20 (51.3%)
Total Votes: 39

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Author Topic: Depressio's Sadmail - NEW -> Film Criticism  (Read 80913 times)
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Your face must die.

Re: Depressio's Sadmail: NEW -> Grand Finale (The 200th and Final Email)
« Reply #870 on: November 24, 2006, 01:18:07 pm »

This is kinda my first time seeing this thread in a while. And I STILL almost cried. Well done.

Ah, nostalgia. I love you so.

I actually made this.
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Re: Depressio's Sadmail: NEW -> Grand Finale (The 200th and Final Email)
« Reply #871 on: November 26, 2006, 11:49:35 pm »

Great final entry, Depressio.  Sad and funny at the same time.  It was "sanny."  Hey, I have a suggestion.  Make the first and last Sadmails into flash and release them on DVD just like all series usually do when they end out of choice.
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Re: Depressio's Sadmail
« Reply #872 on: May 28, 2019, 05:44:49 pm »

Email #20X: 55 Guests

Whoa, it's my old email thread! Maybe...I might be able to...if I can just...

What? Locked? Oh man! My 13 years-in-the-making and 5 minutes-in-the-planning idea is foiled by the same 2003 forum technology that once gave it life! Now we'll never know what our favourite Bush-era Sashmjan is up to!

Wait. Wait a second. There was a time when I pulled some sway around here. I wasn't just a moderator. I was a SUPER Moderator! And that means it's time to do something I didn't do a single time in this place: exercise some authority!


The email thread creaks open like a...really old book or something?

It worked! Now all of my many followers can once again revel in my antics! Let's see which of my old pals are still lurking around here in the 2019s.

Now, who do we have here...

Whoa! 55 Guests! That's...something. And they seem to be viewing...uh....an eclectic collection of threads. Still, that's 55 people! Or more likely, 55 bots hungry for some speculation about the possible hardware specs for the Microsoft Xenon.


2004Pressio: I heard in EGM that thing might even be able to play Half-Life 2 Too bad I'm on still on my Dad's dial-up! Now I'll...

Due to a reference to a game clearly rated M-for-Mature, this thread has been locked by an administrator. Please proceed to Thing in a Bag! Please proceed to Thing in a Bag!


Still, I gotta reach out to these new readers! Which means I gotta bring out my best material. Show these robos what made this the ORIGINAL Email Thread! What this thread needs is some serious bot appeal. Also known as shameless flattery and outright sycophantica! 

After all, these are the unsung heroes of the Internet! Undermining democracies and flagging fan videos for copyright violations is thankless work. Which is why I'm taking the historic step to declare Depressio's Sadmail the Web's first oasis for for cyborgs, hotkeys, and clickwads.

Enjoy the following features!
-Unlimited access to all 200 Sadmails, with original broken links!
-Complimentary Captcha Skeleton Key! Just write "guest1" on any Captcha code anywhere on the Internet and you'll be good to go!
-50+ pages of data to salvage, emulate, and duplicate! Emulate my signature off-brand fanfiction style to create your own procedurally-generated Sadmails! Like this one!


Sash Sad
Can't seem Member Survivor. Sash email hat! Gloves and Goblin. Gravy timey? The best defense.
Click here to story, Jeff.


All right! With features like this, there's no way those hacks can avoid THIS hack! I'll be the toast of the cyber cafe for sure!

Hey, this was kinda fun! Maybe I'll try it again sometime. 2023 is only a few years away!


To email Depressio, send him a PM here? Or hit him up on more modern social media platforms.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 05:49:08 pm by Depressio » Logged

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Re: Depressio's Sadmail - NEW -> 55 Guests (Yeah, for real.)
« Reply #873 on: December 04, 2019, 01:51:08 pm »

Email #20X-2: Film Criticism

Whoa, I guess this is a two parter...


Hyacinth, Depressio!

I know that in the Time since the last Sadmail, you've done a few film reviews. You thought of starting up some pretentious, hipster-y film review show?

Same as it ever was,

Yes, Homeskyerunnertron, it's true. Many years ago, I said goodbye to my email thread to make it as a movie man in the big city. And eventually, after all those deadlines and parties and 8AM screenings, I ended up...right back in this email thread! *cough*

Umm...b-but a hipster-y review show? I think you're onto something there!

Now, the most important thing about a film review show is that you gotta hate the movie immediately. That's a given. Movie fans want to see one thing on the internet, and that's everybody else agreeing that a movie is awful.

So first, let's come up with a name of a movie. It's gotta be a science fiction film based on a comic book from 1974 that nobody read or remembers, but also something people have an irrational obsession with. So let's call this movie...uh...Smuggler's...Orbit. Wait, no, that's not right. Hold on. I gotta pizzaz it up.

Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers

Hmm. I think it could still be pizzazier.

Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1


Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1 of the Purloiner saga

Wait! I got it.

Jeff Depressio's Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1 of 7 of the Purloiner saga

Okay, so you've got your movie. The next thing to do is to never see this movie. People who write about films usually don't watch them because they're far too busy talking about movies they already enjoy. So when something new comes around, a reviewer is just going to assume it's bad, since it's widely known in film critic circles that cinema died at the end of the 1949 noir classic Sayonara Celluloid.

Next, you need one of those review channels and with that, a unique identity to separate yourself from the self-perpetuating nightmare that is film criticism. This part's easy. Just find clipart of an animal and base your entire persona on that. Welcome to the discourse, Li'l Chicken Reviews!

Now all you need is some catchy title to attract the most popular subsection of movie fans: the angry and deranged. You can start by sprucing up your video space. This lets the viewer know that you also live in squalor and have a fondness for old things. Be sure the viewer can see the following things in the background:

-a big American flag
-the bed that you sleep in
-a Super Nintendo box for the nerd cred
-half a dozen bottles of beer to show that you're hardcore. Note: These may be empty.
-three or four gloomy men who look like they used to work at Blockbuster and were super mean to the customers

Finally, be sure you jump on whatever controversy is currently ongoing. In the case of our movie Smuggler's Orbit, there's been tons of furor online since the producers decided to have Princess Dog the Dog Princess be voiced by a female actor when it's only SAID that she's a woman in the books and all previous adaptations. So just come up with a flash thumbnail that'll play on people's nonsensical rage and grow your brand at the same time and...boom!

Oh man, this is making me nostalgic. Maybe I should log into my old work email see if there's anything I can review!

Login: 'Pressio
Password: cinemaisart42042042069

Hm, this message is kinda old but...whoa! It says here they need somebody to review Season 2 of Netflix's "The Defenders." I gotta started!


If you want to email Depressio, send him a message on any number of different platforms.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2019, 02:31:01 pm by Depressio » Logged

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