Email #20X-2: Film Criticism
Whoa, I guess this is a two parter...sad_mail.gotamessageHyacinth, Depressio!
I know that in the Time since the last Sadmail, you've done a few film reviews. You thought of starting up some pretentious, hipster-y film review show?
Same as it ever was,
Yes, Homeskyerunnertron, it's true. Many years ago, I said goodbye to my email thread to make it as a movie man in the big city. And eventually, after all those deadlines and parties and 8AM screenings, I ended up...right back in this email thread! *cough*
Umm...b-but a hipster-y review show? I think you're onto something there!
Now, the most important thing about a film review show is that you gotta hate the movie immediately. That's a given. Movie fans want to see one thing on the internet, and that's everybody else agreeing that a movie is awful.
So first, let's come up with a name of a movie. It's gotta be a science fiction film based on a comic book from 1974 that nobody read or remembers, but also something people have an irrational obsession with. So let's call this movie...uh...Smuggler's...Orbit.
Wait, no, that's not right. Hold on. I gotta pizzaz it up.
Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers
Hmm. I think it could still be pizzazier.
Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1
Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1 of the Purloiner saga
Wait! I got it.
Jeff Depressio's Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1 of 7 of the Purloiner saga
Okay, so you've got your movie. The next thing to do is to never see this movie. People who write about films usually don't watch them because they're far too busy talking about movies they already enjoy. So when something new comes around, a reviewer is just going to assume it's bad, since it's widely known in film critic circles that cinema died at the end of the 1949 noir classic Sayonara Celluloid
Next, you need one of those review channels and with that, a unique identity to separate yourself from the self-perpetuating nightmare that is film criticism. This part's easy. Just find clipart of an animal and base your entire persona on that. Welcome to the discourse, Li'l Chicken Reviews!
Now all you need is some catchy title to attract the most popular subsection of movie fans: the angry and deranged. You can start by sprucing up your video space. This lets the viewer know that you also live in squalor and have a fondness for old things. Be sure the viewer can see the following things in the background:
-a big American flag
-the bed that you sleep in
-a Super Nintendo box for the nerd cred
-half a dozen bottles of beer to show that you're hardcore. Note: These may be empty.
-three or four gloomy men who look like they used to work at Blockbuster and were super mean to the customers
Finally, be sure you jump on whatever controversy is currently ongoing. In the case of our movie Smuggler's Orbit, there's been tons of furor online since the producers decided to have Princess Dog the Dog Princess be voiced by a female actor when it's only SAID that she's a woman in the books and all previous adaptations. So just come up with a flash thumbnail that'll play on people's nonsensical rage and grow your brand at the same time and...boom!
Oh man, this is making me nostalgic. Maybe I should log into my old work email see if there's anything I can review!Login: 'Pressio
Hm, this message is kinda old but...whoa! It says here they need somebody to review Season 2 of Netflix's "The Defenders." I gotta started!
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