Depressio's Sadmail - NEW -> Sadmail

[TheTire]

This is kinda my first time seeing this thread in a while. And I STILL almost cried. Well done.

[PokéHomsar]

Great final entry, Depressio.  Sad and funny at the same time.  It was "sanny."  Hey, I have a suggestion.  Make the first and last Sadmails into flash and release them on DVD just like all series usually do when they end out of choice.

[Depressio]

Email #20X: 55 Guests

Whoa, it's my old email thread! Maybe...I might be able to...if I can just...

What? Locked? Oh man! My 13 years-in-the-making and 5 minutes-in-the-planning idea is foiled by the same 2003 forum technology that once gave it life! Now we'll never know what our favourite Bush-era Sashmjan is up to!

Wait. Wait a second. There was a time when I pulled some sway around here. I wasn't just a moderator. I was a SUPER Moderator! And that means it's time to do something I didn't do a single time in this place: exercise some authority!

UNLOCK!

The email thread creaks open like a...really old book or something?

It worked! Now all of my many followers can once again revel in my antics! Let's see which of my old pals are still lurking around here in the 2019s.

Now, who do we have here...

Whoa! 55 Guests! That's...something. And they seem to be viewing...uh....an eclectic collection of threads. Still, that's 55 people! Or more likely, 55 bots hungry for some speculation about the possible hardware specs for the Microsoft Xenon.

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2004Pressio: I heard in EGM that thing might even be able to play Half-Life 2 Too bad I'm on still on my Dad's dial-up! Now I'll...

Due to a reference to a game clearly rated M-for-Mature, this thread has been locked by an administrator. Please proceed to Thing in a Bag! Please proceed to Thing in a Bag!

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Still, I gotta reach out to these new readers! Which means I gotta bring out my best material. Show these robos what made this the ORIGINAL Email Thread! What this thread needs is some serious bot appeal. Also known as shameless flattery and outright sycophantica! 

After all, these are the unsung heroes of the Internet! Undermining democracies and flagging fan videos for copyright violations is thankless work. Which is why I'm taking the historic step to declare Depressio's Sadmail the Web's first oasis for for cyborgs, hotkeys, and clickwads.

Enjoy the following features!
-Unlimited access to all 200 Sadmails, with original broken links!
-Complimentary Captcha Skeleton Key! Just write "guest1" on any Captcha code anywhere on the Internet and you'll be good to go!
-50+ pages of data to salvage, emulate, and duplicate! Emulate my signature off-brand fanfiction style to create your own procedurally-generated Sadmails! Like this one!

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Sash Sad
Can't seem Member Survivor. Sash email hat! Gloves and Goblin. Gravy timey? The best defense.
Click here to story, Jeff.

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All right! With features like this, there's no way those hacks can avoid THIS hack! I'll be the toast of the cyber cafe for sure!

Hey, this was kinda fun! Maybe I'll try it again sometime. 2023 is only a few years away!

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To email Depressio, send him a PM here? Or hit him up on more modern social media platforms.

[Depressio]

Email #20X-2: Film Criticism

Whoa, I guess this is a two parter...

sad_mail.gotamessage

Hyacinth, Depressio!

I know that in the Time since the last Sadmail, you've done a few film reviews. You thought of starting up some pretentious, hipster-y film review show?

Same as it ever was,
Skye

Yes, Homeskyerunnertron, it's true. Many years ago, I said goodbye to my email thread to make it as a movie man in the big city. And eventually, after all those deadlines and parties and 8AM screenings, I ended up...right back in this email thread! *cough*

Umm...b-but a hipster-y review show? I think you're onto something there!

Now, the most important thing about a film review show is that you gotta hate the movie immediately. That's a given. Movie fans want to see one thing on the internet, and that's everybody else agreeing that a movie is awful.

So first, let's come up with a name of a movie. It's gotta be a science fiction film based on a comic book from 1974 that nobody read or remembers, but also something people have an irrational obsession with. So let's call this movie...uh...Smuggler's...Orbit. Wait, no, that's not right. Hold on. I gotta pizzaz it up.

Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers

Hmm. I think it could still be pizzazier.

Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1

Almost...

Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1 of the Purloiner saga

Wait! I got it.

Jeff Depressio's Smuggler's Orbit: Planet of the Poachers, Part 1 of 7 of the Purloiner saga

Okay, so you've got your movie. The next thing to do is to never see this movie. People who write about films usually don't watch them because they're far too busy talking about movies they already enjoy. So when something new comes around, a reviewer is just going to assume it's bad, since it's widely known in film critic circles that cinema died at the end of the 1949 noir classic Sayonara Celluloid.

Next, you need one of those review channels and with that, a unique identity to separate yourself from the self-perpetuating nightmare that is film criticism. This part's easy. Just find clipart of an animal and base your entire persona on that. Welcome to the discourse, Li'l Chicken Reviews!

Now all you need is some catchy title to attract the most popular subsection of movie fans: the angry and deranged. You can start by sprucing up your video space. This lets the viewer know that you also live in squalor and have a fondness for old things. Be sure the viewer can see the following things in the background:

-a big American flag
-the bed that you sleep in
-a Super Nintendo box for the nerd cred
-half a dozen bottles of beer to show that you're hardcore. Note: These may be empty.
-three or four gloomy men who look like they used to work at Blockbuster and were super mean to the customers

Finally, be sure you jump on whatever controversy is currently ongoing. In the case of our movie Smuggler's Orbit, there's been tons of furor online since the producers decided to have Princess Dog the Dog Princess be voiced by a female actor when it's only SAID that she's a woman in the books and all previous adaptations. So just come up with a flashy thumbnail that'll play on people's nonsensical rage and grow your brand at the same time and...boom!

Oh man, this is making me nostalgic. Maybe I should log into my old work email see if there's anything I can review!

Login: 'Pressio
Password: cinemaisart42042042069

Hm, this message is kinda old but...whoa! It says here they need somebody to review Season 2 of Netflix's "The Defenders." I gotta started!

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If you want to email Depressio, send him a message on any number of different platforms.

[Depressio]

Email #2023: Sadmail

I guess I should start with a Depressio confession. A Confessio, if you will.
You know that whole "SMF was unable to connect to the database" error? The whole reason why this site was down?
I might've had something to do with it. I can explain!
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This story begins all the way back in 2021. As everyone knows, I plan all of my posts at least two years in advance. These classic Depressio zingers need time to fester and stew until the flavour's just right.
I needed to do something extra special for 2023, because it's the 20th anniversary of this email thread! Who would've guessed that the slipshod ramblings of a deeply unhappy teenager would eventually mutate into the slipshod ramblings of an aging, emotionally unstable insomniac? There was only one way to honour this occasion.
I had to reboot Sadmail. It was time to bring back the forum's longest-lasting and last email thread. But if I wanted to revive Sadmails for the iPod generation, I needed to remember what made the show work in the first place. That meant I had to go back and read all 200 emails.
That plan lasted all of no seconds. Have you ever read something you wrote two decades ago? I wouldn't recommend it. 
But I had to do something! After all, this thread has...
100,000 views? What?
I mean, they can't all be bots?
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So, I tried a different approach. With the help of my virtual assistant, a purple gorilla that keeps reinstalling itself on my computer no matter how many times I delete it, I created a program to scan every post in this thread. I called my creation SMF, or Sad Mail Funny. Using the blue font powers of a Super Mod coupled with the raw technical power of a Wavebird Controller, I unleashed my custom-built software/worm/malware/Halo 2 wallhack. I must've messed up some of the boolean quotes or something, because it kinda ended up taking the entire site offline for a while.
Thankfully, the forum's back online. Still no word from SMF. I can only assume it died from too much funny.
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Sorry for taking the boards down, everyone. I guess it's time to face facts. There's no room in today's world of pagers and Apple Pages for an old-fashioned email thread like Sadmail. Or maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too old, too out of touch, too-
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Wait. Today's world...
That's it! That's where I went wrong!
This is 2023, not 2021! We have artificial intelligence now, which means I don't need data-driven resources anymore!
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Okay, here we go. I guess if I want the best possible results, I must reveal the secret Sadmail formula for the first time. Here goes.

YOU
Please write a script for a Strong Bad email but instead of Strong Bad answering the email, use Strong Sad, and don't call him Strong Sad, call him Depressio.

CHATGPT
[Opening scene: Strong Sad's bedroom. Depressio is sitting at his desk, wearing his trademark blue shirt and looking gloomy. The Lappy 486 is on the desk, displaying an email. Depressio sighs deeply and begins his response.]

Depressio: [Monotone, depressed voice] Welcome… to the email show. I suppose I'm supposed to answer your email, so let's get this over with.

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Okay, that's a good start. I mean, it did reference my trademark blue shirt. Carry on!
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CHATGPT
[Depressio clicks the mouse and the email appears on the screen. The message reads: "Dear Depressio, why are you always so sad? Can't you ever be happy? Sincerely, A Concerned Viewer"]

Depressio: [Sighs] Well, thanks for your concern, but you must already know that depression isn't something that just goes away with a snap of one's fingers.

[Depressio leans forward, resting his head on his hand, and begins typing his response.]

Depressio: Dear Concerned Viewer, I appreciate your question, but it's important to understand that being sad is a part of who I am. It's not a switch I can just turn on and off.

[Depressio's voice stays soft and melancholic throughout.]
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Hey, wait a minute? Concerned Viewer? This thread doesn't have any viewers! Nah, this is all wrong! Where are the 2005 Survivor references? Where are all the fun supporting characters like the old timey Homestar and Clonepressio, the clone Depressio? I'm starting to think this robot hasn't read Sadmail at all!
I'm going to skip to the end. Maybe it'll get better.
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CHATGPT
Depressio: Thank you for your email. I hope this response sheds a little light on why I am the way I am.

[Depressio slumps back into his previous position, resting his head on his arms once more.]

Depressio: Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment with some black licorice and some Morrissey records. Farewell.

[Depressio clicks the mouse, ending the email segment. The screen fades out, leaving Depressio alone in his room.]

[Closing scene: Depressio remains in his gloomy room, lost in thought as the melancholic music fades in.]

Narrator: And so, Depressio continues his quest for a deeper understanding of life's inherent sadness. Will any ray of sunshine ever pierce through this gloomy persona? Only time will tell.

[The scene fades to black as the melancholic music fills the air.]

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Whoa, forget what I said about those older characters. This episode features the debut of Narrator!
So there you have it, folks. The Sadmail reboot. Now I just have to wait for another generation of fans discover my work. After all, nothing draws in new viewers like licorice and Morrissey.

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If you want to email Depressio, go right ahead.

[Jengajam]

That was a good one.