Chocomails: #11 - The Full Choco

[ChocolateMetal]

ANOTHER email thread?! Depressio must be rolling over in his - uh, sash! Why, you ask, is this one different from the rest? Hmm, good question, I guess only time will tell. I suppose you should meet the characters now.

ChocolateMetal: A cheatlet who loves to write, draw, and act silly. She has friends despite the fact that she can be incredibly annoying.

Neowhyachi: A goblin-type with a snazzy hat. Eccentric to say the least, and sort of the black sheep of Chocomails (sorry Neo!).

RClock: CM's main squeeze, he is an extremely gifted writer and not much is known about him. He is a Poopsmith in a black hooded robe and wears an eyepatch. He has a bad addiction to Tic Tacs, but the best breath around.

HomestarRunnerTron: HSRT, or Skye to his friends, is a 10-year old whiz kid who lives in Hawaii and makes Flash cartoons.

Mr. Teatime: The voice of reason, it's usually up to this semi-immortal chicken to untangle the weird plots everyone gets themselves into around here.

like2jig: A female Trogdor and CM's partner in crime from her Strongfans days. She is even more obsessed with Strong Mad than CM is.

SBG: A crazy girl with elephant feet and a ring around her eye that likes to wear an apron for no good reason. 

Occasional Cast:

VanillaPlastic: Used to live in one body with CM and surface on the 3rd of each month. After the two split, VP was never heard from again and was presumed dead. (Or possibly not...)

F_P: A weird little ball of Flash. No one is quite sure if she is good or evil. She disturbs RClock for some reason.

D_B: A very talented artist. You can never have too many Trogdors!

So, PM me your emails and let's make this the, uh...pinkest email thread on earth!

[ChocolateMetal]

CM: Refresh, refresh, refresh...Ah-HA!! A new message!


Dear ChocolateMetal,

What is the story behind your name? Could you tell us?

Thanks!

Mattaf

CM: Well, FattMat, it's a closely guarded secret, but seeing as I now have an e-mail thread, I guess I won't have many of those anymore. Being a fellow Cheat yourself, surely you know about the naming ceremonies of The Home Planet Whose Name We Are Not Allowed To Speak? Wait. After saying that, everybody already knows we Cheats are aliens, so I guess I'll just come out and say it. It's Tryfogle. Besides, the naming ceremonies were probably before your day anyway. Now for a flashback...

(on Tryfogle)

Some Official Cheat-Dude: Wir ir ririr wirriwir rir rir rir wir wir!

Crowd: WIR RIR! WIR RIR!

Some Official Cheat-Dude: Ir ririrwir, wir wir rir, wir rir!

Big Booming Voice From Above: "FOR THE SAKE OF THE SANITY OF THE READER, THIS FLASHBACK WILL NO LONGER BE IN CHEATESE."

Some Official Cheat-Dude: Huh? Anyway, as I was saying, this pink egg with even pinker speckles will almost assuredly be male. What? Oh, sorry, female. Well, how am I supposed to read the cue card when your paw's in the way? Good grief!

(the egg starts hatching)

Crowd: Ooooh...

(out pops CM, even fluffier and newer-looking than usual)

Crowd: Awwww!

Some Official Cheat-Dude: And now, the naming ceremony!

(A table is rolled out with three plates, one with sliced rutabaga, one with a chocolate bar, and one with some gravy. CM crawls toward the gravy but stops, turns around, and heads for the chocolate bar, stuffing it in her mouth. Suddenly, she begins to make little urping noises, and she is presented with three wastebaskets, one wicker, one plastic, and one metal. CM crawls over to the metal wastebasket and pukes in it.)

Some Official Cheat-Dude: I hereby dub this cheatlet...ChocolateMetal!

Crowd: YAAAAY!

(end flashback)

So, there you have it. Not very glamorous. Of course, it wasn't always food and wastebaskets. Sometimes it was shoes and animals, sometimes it was human names from ancient Rome and cars, one year it was even adjectives used to describe garbage and Radiohead album names. Poor Squelchy Fake Plastic Trees, he was in my class, all the other kids picked on him so...

HSRT: Hey, how come none of us are in this email?

RClock: Yeah, are we getting paid to just sit around and eat donuts? Actually, that's not such a bad deal...

Neowhyachi: *You guys are getting paid?*

CM: Uhhh...yeah, that's all the time we have for today, so see ya!

(Send me a PM if you want your email used!)

[HomeStarRunnerTron]

HILARIOUS!

9/10, could have a been a little more a long, and more of me. ... and some more jokes! Cuz the gags that were funny were great.

Fav. Parts:

Poor Squelchy Fake Plastic Trees

Anyway, as I was saying, this pink egg with even pinker speckles will almost assuredly be male. What? Oh, sorry, female. Well, how am I supposed to read the cue card when your paw's in the way? Good grief!

"FOR THE SAKE OF THE SANITY OF THE READER, THIS FLASHBACK WILL NO LONGER BE IN CHEATESE."

Refresh, refresh, refresh- (though I would've liked, like I said in chat, for it to go on longer)

Great jorb! And... MORE ME! MWAHAHAHHA- *CM pukes on HSRT's head, HSRT's head asplodes*

[Mr. Teatime]

*blinks at HSRT, and steps slowly away*

hehheh, j/k. That was great. And I'm a character...a calm-thinking, problem solving, chicken-tasting (although I suppose most things taste like chicken) character. That email was pwetty good! I've enjoyed your past fan-fics, so this should be promising. Keep it up! In fact, I think I'll email you...

[RClock]

They live!!!

Oh, wait. They were never dead to begin with.

They... exist!!!

So, that's the story behind the name, huh? I guess those The Cheats have more in common with the Puritans than we thought.

Now there's a sentence I never saw myself typing in my entire life...

And I'm hanging around, too! That sounds good to me!

May this series take off with the velocity of a Mach 18 supersonic-ized jet plane, and not sputter out every 4 feet like my #$&^% lawnmower.

I see this leaning towards the former. 

[ChocolateMetal]

#2 - Trade Secrets

Mr. Teatime: Um, Choco, before you check your email, there's something you should know.

CM: You mean this whole time it's been a facade? You're actually...a TURKEY?!

Mr. Teatime: (angrily) No! It's about your last email.

CM: You mean my first email.

Mr. Teatime: Actually, your first email is your last email.

CM: WHAT! NOOO! Chocomails are too young to die! Just like me!

Neowhyachi: *Oh, jeez. He means your email that is not the current one.*

Mr. Teatime: Yeah, it was weird.

CM: Ohh, gotcha...Wait. Why was it weird?

Mr. Teatime: Well, how come you had a flashback to before you were born?

CM: You mean you've never had any pre-natal memories? You're missing out, dude.

Neo: *And how come all those Cheats had nothing better to do than watch you hatch? Were they brainwashed to participate in government activities or something?*

CM: You have to remember, this was 1984. Now can I check my email please?

Hey! 2 new messages!

Dear ChocolateMetal

Do you take your wrestling mask and boxing gloves off before you go to sleep?
From,
Eh Wheelchair

Well, A. Wheelchair, do you take off your hands and face when you're in the bottom of my recycle bin? Laters!

CM's Recycle Bin: *kadunk-a-digga-pukka-chi-pow!*

Good riddance. Maybe the next one will be a real email.

Dear Miss Metal,

How do you maintain such excellent grooming day after day? What are your secrets? And also, my friend and I have been arguing over whether or not you're a natural yellow. Five bucks are on the line!

- An Admirer

An admirer? Ooooh! Uh-oh. Better not let RClock see this. He'll think there's another man!

(Unfortunately, just then RClock strolls in.)

RClock: Dum-diddy-dum-diddy-dum-diddy-dum...

(CM throws herself against the computer screen.)

CM: Um, uh, hi RClock! Go away!

RClock: What are you up to?

CM: Oh, just nothing! Just doing Chocomail #2!

RClock: #2? Why, that's my specialty! Lemme have a look.

CM: NO! IT IS, UH, EXTREMELY BORING! SO BORING, IN FACT, THAT READING IT WILL CAUSE YOU TO DIE OF BOREDOM! I WON'T WATCH YOU DIE, RCLOCK! I WON'T! ALSO, GEORGELUCASISATTHEDOORANDHEWANTSYOURINPUTFOREPISODE3!

RClock: What the -- ! (takes off like a lightning bolt)

CM: Whew! That was close! Oh, right. The email.

Well, Admiral, you'd better fork over the five bucks. Or your friend should, depending on who said I wasn't natural. As for the rest of my beauty regime, as far as the upkeep of my fur, after washing I dry it with a hand dryer.

(Cut to CM in a public restroom, floating in a big puff beneath a hand dryer.)

Then, I brush my one tooth with a special toothpaste specially formulated for gold teeth - Gold Bond!

like2jig: Gold Bond doesn't make toothpaste. You've been brushing your tooth with lotion.

CM: Right. You're just mad because I used your Spine-ity Shine-ity on my tooth without your permission.

like2jig: (shows her the bottle) It's lotion, Choco.

CM: Heh, well, whaddya know, it is! That would explain why it tastes so nasty. But feel how soft my tooth is!

like2jig: Um, no thanks. (walks off)

Also, just between you and me, I've been known to use a little spot pencil every now and then. Well, I think that wraps it up, now to get rid of it before RClock sees!

CM's Recycle Bin: *kadunk-a-digga-pukka-chi-pow!*

(RClock walks in)

RClock: Did you happen to get an email from a secret admirer?

CM: What? No! Absolutely not!

RClock: (dejected) Guess it somehow didn't get through then.

CM: Wait. It was YOU?

RClock: Mm-hmm.

CM: Oh. Heh. Just kidding! I got it! It was very nice!

RClock: (grinning) So you saved it, right?

CM: Uh...feel how soft my tooth is!

RClock: Wha?

(PM me if you want an email used!)

[Mr. Teatime]

Oh...my...Glod! Yes, glod. He's my uncle. Anyways, this email thread is hilarious! Both emails have been nothing less than pure awesome! *waits impaitently for more*

[Faded]

one word for you....ROFL!

[RClock]

Whoa! You used it after all! And made a brilliant Three's Company-style confusion plot out of it, may I add. 

That was hilarious! I think you've found your calling! (In addition to the two score other stuff you do well, of course). I sound just like me! ...if you get what I'm saying. Yeah, you definitely know the way to get me out of a room if need be. 

And the rapid-fire back-and-forth dialogue really works well. I actually had to read it thrice to catch all of the little asides. Or maybe I just have low comprehension scores. 

I honestly see this becoming great! Heck, it already is great! I see this becoming great-er!

And one more thing, how did...

Is that... flannel I see at my window?

Gotta go! GEORRRRRRGE!

*off like lightning again*

[The Wolf]

a gold bond a day keeps the dentist away!

great emails so far! can't wait 4 more

[ChocolateMetal]

#3 - Baby Talk

CM: Wow! I am feared across the nation! And all because I got this title of "Most High Dread Overlady Empress of Freakiness" off the Internet! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Neo: *And...cut!*

CM: Thank God! These fake eyelashes are making my eyes water! And this cape...it chafes! Did I mention goth is a VERY bad look for me? Couldn't you have gotten VanillaPlastic to do this? I mean, THERE'S your typecasting!

Neo: *I thought she was killed or something.*

CM: Aah, who knows with her.

Neo: *Also, she demands to be paid in slave labor.*

CM: Oh, right, there's that too. Well, good luck with your venture of selling fake titles off the Net.

Neo: *Thanks!* (walks off)

CM: You will SO need it. Oh, hey, he let me keep the pipe organ.

(CM sits down and starts playing. HSRT runs into the room.)

HSRT: Holy sheeshcakes, what's going on?

CM: Umm...something wrong?

HSRT: Is there? I thought Neowhyachi was being murdered!

CM: Oh, my playing can't be THAT bad! Hey, did you ever make any easter eggs so this email thread can be "cool"?

HSRT: Well, I did make one so far.

CM: Let's see. Oh. ... Har-dee-har-har.

(HSRT laughs and runs off)

CM: Whatever. Email time.

Hey Choco-late Metal,

Seeing as you're a baby the cheat, do you understand what other babies are saying? Are they really all planning to rise up and dominate earth like I've feared? They said I was crazy...and they may be right.

With love, hate, and nachos,

Alfonzo DeMartinez (maybe).

Oh, how nice. The crazy people are everywhere. I may as well tell you, that yes, I can talk to babies. Whenever I tell people this, they either think it's so great or they check me for head injuries. Let me tell you, it's not all that great. They just don't have that much to say. It's the same stuff over and over: "Can you count to three?" "Wanna play 'chew that toy' with me?" "Why do you have the voice of a 20-year-old woman?" Believe me, world domination is the last thing on their minds. Well, except for that one kid. So, that's that, Mr. Maybe Man...

(The phone rings.)

CM: Hello?

Baby: (on other end) Pagabga?

CM: No, I won't vote Green! Goodbye! (slam)

(The phone rings again.)

CM: Yes?

Baby: Auggaschmoo!

CM: Hey like2jig, we have a telemarketer. You know what to do.

(like2jig holds the phone up to her face.)

like2jig: RRRRAAAAAGH! (slam)

CM: (laughing) That's why they put us on a "Do Not Call" list. So till next time, keep the emails coming, blah blah, yukkity schmukkity.

(PM me to get your email on zee show)

[RClock]

"I never did trust those little devils. They're up to something."
- Bubs

Nice one all around... but that melon-headed squinty kid's gonna give me nightmares. Who drew that?!

[Mr. Teatime]

That's Stewy from the show Family Guy. It used to be on Fox, got cancelled, was put on [Adult Swim] and is now coming back to Fox, I believe. It's a funny show, I'd reccomend checking it out.

And speaking of funny...this was funny!

<--*is Alfonzo Demartinez*

[ChocolateMetal]

#4 - Paranoia

RClock: Who wants upsies? (lifts up CM) Oh, pew!

CM: Sorry. I didn't brush this morning. like2jig used up all the lotion. Y'know, when fall rolls around, her scales get really dry, and so she's watching TV and picking off dead scales, and you go downstairs and there's scales all over the couch...

HSRT: Some of us are eating here!

CM: Sorry. Anyway, speaking of breath, you've been in the Tic Tacs again, haven't you?

RClock:  I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I WANT!

CM: Whoa! Jeez! At least switch to sugar-free if you're gonna be that insane.

RClock: I DID! THIS IS WITHDRAWAL!

(CM breathes in RClock's face.)

RClock: Ugh...(keels over)

Neo: *Do me next!*

Mr. Teatime: What if someone were to just start reading Chocomails right now? What would they think?

CM: That we should all be committed for life?

Mr. Teatime: Exactly. Now go check an email.

(CM does so.)

Dear CM,

If you are so young of a Cheatlette, how are you able to type so well?

~potthole

Umm, we just pick up on stuff really fast. Also I sneak into your house at night and play your Typing Tutor game.

(RClock sits up.)

RClock: Wrong.

CM: What?

RClock: There's only one secret to your good typing, and that's "Backspace, backspace, backspace". You type like an Eh! Steve.

CM: You're out of your mind.

(RClock gets up and walks unsteadily over to the computer.)

RClock: No, no, no, this is you typing. (randomly slaps his hands against the keyboard) Eh! Steve! Eh! Steve!

CM: You're scaring the children.

(RClock runs away and out of the house.)

CM: Maybe I better check another emau].

Hey Edible Metal,

What would happen if I just happen to be right behind you?

Hoping this doesn't get a bachooed,

PT2FM

Wait a minute...an email from PT2FM? That's my favorite radio station! Finally, they tapped into the Tryfoglian-American niche market and put a Cheatese-language station on the air! In my excitement, I've completely forgotten what the rest of the email said! I bet I won some contest or something! Let me re-read. Oh. Great. Oh no, this won't get a bachooed. It'll get... kadunk-a-digga-pukka-chi-pow'd!

CM's Recycle Bin: *kadunk-a-digga-...*

CM: Wait! Stop!

CM's Recycle Bin: *pukka-chi-pow?*

CM: Gimme back that email! I've decided it has potential after all!

CM's Recycle Bin: *Ptoo!*

CM: Now let me turn around reeeal sloooow...

???: BOO!

CM: AAAA! (shakes head with a "yadda-yadda-yadda" sound) RClock?

RClock: MWA HA HA HA HAAA!

CM: What's gotten into you?

(Just then, another RClock comes in.)

RClock #2: Hey guys, I ... What the?!

(RClock #2 pulls a mask off RClock #1, revealing peopletried2fademe.)

PT2FM: Uhh...gotta run.

(He does so.)

CM: Oh, jeez. Whatever next?

(What indeed? Only your PMs will tell!)

[RClock]

HEE HEE HA HAW!

Oh, man. Thanks for having the courage to show what goes on when we all THINK nobody is watching. It's like Big Brother on a sugar rush or something. 

That was utter inspired lunacy, and quirky to the max. It was random and... farcical! That's it! It was an utter farce! I loved it!