Chocomails: #11 - The Full Choco

[ChocolateMetal]

#5 - Mr. Crackotage

CM: Hmm, I wonder if I should attempt an email song...

They're pink,
They're weird,
They're pink, they're pink, they're weird,
Pink, pink, pink,
Weird, weird, weird...
The ChocolateMetal Email Shoooow!

Dear Chocolatemetal,



~Hammer Of God

CM: Great. Remember when I got normal emails from normal people? Nah, me neither.

CM's Recycle Bin: *kadunk-a-digga-pukka-chi-pow!*

CM: Next!

Dear Little Choco O' Horrors,

If you were a bajillionare, What would you do with all your money?

Your Apple Pie,
MRKR

One word: therapy. Lots and LOTS of therapy. Actually, I'm not sure even a bajillion dollars' worth of therapy could cure it...

HSRT: What are you talking about?

CM: A traumatic memory from Tryfogle. Our teacher was sick one day, and our substitute was a certain Cheat Commando...

Mr. Teatime: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You met a real-live Cheat Commando?

CM: No, believe me, it was not a positive experience. No one deserves the terribleness of...oh, I don't want to talk about it...

RClock: Just pretend you're talking to me.

CM: Okay, here goes.

(Flashback to a classroom on Tryfogle. We see young versions of Da_Cheat, The Chort, Crapfully_Yours, Mattaf, The Cheatette, and CM, along with other Cheats, seated in the classroom. Crackotage walks in, all smiles and singing a song.)

Crackotage: (singing)

"Good morning Mr. Sunshine,
It's such a happy day,
It always keeps me singin'
As I walk along the way!"

(Still smiling, Crackotage walks over to the blackboard and writes "Mr. Crackotage" on it, completely oblivious to the fact that everyone is glaring daggers at him.)

Crackotage: Good morning, all you boys and girls, I'm Mr. Crackotage. And you'll get extra credit if I get a foot massage! (laughs)

(Crackotage leans back in the chair and puts his feet up on the desk, waiting for someone to take him up on his offer. CM and a couple of others in the front hold their snouts. Squelchy Fake Plastic Trees, eager to toady, runs up to do the questionable honors.)

At least we didn't have any homework. But I still would've preferred homework to this. All day we had to listen to him read poetry. Don't get me wrong, I love poetry, but this was all stuff Crackotage had written himself.

Crackotage, still reclining in the chair, is reading to the class.

"Sometimes we set up camp in a forest with the trees
They're home to lots of animals that always make me sneeze."

(CM raises her paw and Crackotage calls on her.)

CM: Mr. Crackotage, your poetry sucks.

Crackotage: Oh, no, no, no! Into the naughty corner you go!

(CM sits down in the naughty corner.)

CM: I've been sent to the naughty corner! Oh, the humanity! CRUEL FATE, TAKE ME NOW!

(The class tries hard not to giggle at CM's antics, while Crackotage doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.)

Crackotage: It's all right, you can come out! I can't stand to hear you shout!

(CM comes out of the corner and Mattaf blows a spitball at Crackotage. Crackotage freezes as it hits the back of his neck, then shrugs and brushes it off. Crapfully_Yours whacks his head on his desk in annoyance.)

Crackotage: (to Crapfully_Yours) I think you'd better see the nurse, before you wind up in a hearse! (laughs)

Then it was even more poetry, his so-called "funny" poetry. We would imitate him and draw stupid pictures of him and we'd be cracking up, and Crackotage would think we were laughing at his poems, so he was all bowing and "Thank you! Thank you!" Then came lunchtime. Insert evil laugh here.

(Lunchtime in the Tryfoglian classroom.)

The Cheatette: He's sure held out well against all the pranks.

CM: Now for the final blow.

(CM produces an orange from her lunch and presents it to Crackotage.)

CM: I know normally you give an apple to the teacher, but I'm a little weird.

Crackotage: Why, thank you for this tasty orange! It'll taste great...with a...side of...of, of, of, OFOFOFOFOF.....

(Crackotage's head explodes, and he just stands there blinking at the orange.)

Crackotage: AAAAAAH!

(He runs out of the room screaming, leaving a hole in the wall the same shape as him. He comes back in through the door to get his headphones, then starts screaming again and runs out of the room again, leaving another hole in the wall.)

What a nightmare. At least it had a happy ending. I wonder if we were a little hard on the guy. I mean, he did give us a ride in his jet at recess. And I've taken the train ever since. Nah, guess not.

(PM me if you want your email used!)

Egg by RClock

[RClock]

Oh, yeah, baby!!!

Fight the power! Bring it to the man! And oh, yeah, stick it to the annoying rhyming characters while you're at it!

Nice use of a "guest star". You did a good job of keeping him in character and making him fit in with the rest of the universe. My favourite part was the events leading up to lunchtime. I've been in classes like that, believe me. It's like the the freakin' Twilight Zone or something. :/

Nice use of picture, by the way.

[Faded]

Great job ChocolateMetal!

[ChocolateMetal]

(CM and the gang are all dressed up in their Halloween costumes)

CM: OK guys, ready with everything?

HSRT: Ready with the paint!

Neo: *Ready with the Saran Wrap!*

Mr. Teatime: Ready with the Go Lightly!

like2jig: Ready with the Flat Hose!

RClock: Ready with the "Mama's Family" DVD!

CM: And I'm ready with the rabid wolverine!

Rabid Wolverine: RRROOOAAAAGH!

CM: Oh crap, I have to check an email. I'll be right back.

Dear Chocolatomatomeritoerroto person,

Have you ever seen a ghost, the Lochness monster, or the evil sock stealing gnomes at the laundry mat.

If so please tell me. The local Tabloids are offering big bucks to whoever can get photos of these things.

Sincerely

neowhyachi (the other one)

PS.  These are dangerous times.  The hypno-female celebrites are on the rise.  If you should see a celebrity with spooky spiral eyes or a pocket watch. Run and don't stop running ever.

This public service announcement is made possible by a grant from the cheat and viewers like you. 

CM: Hmm, big bucks, eh, Other Neo? Well, this is the time of year to start looking for things that go bump in the night and such.

Neo: Help! A hypno-female celebrity!

CM: Oh, stoppit. First you, now you! Jeez, when will the madness end?

Anyway, I'm not sure where we could find such a thing. I think our best bet is a ghost. Hey, wait a minute...

CM: Neo, you're a goblin, right?

Neo: *Last time I checked.*

CM: Don't ghosts and goblins hang out together?

Neo: *I tried to get in with the ghost crowd, but every time I'd sit with them at lunch, they'd all take their trays and find another table.*

CM: Ouch.

Neo: *Anyway, word on the street is that pirate ghosts inhabit that house next door.*

CM: Isn't that Treasure Dog's house?

Neo: *Who?*

CM: Never mind. Do you want to come with?

Neo: Well, sure, I guess so. I've got a camera with me.

CM: Great, because I don't...Wait! There weren't any asterisks around the last thing you said! NEO, YOU TALKED!

Neo: Not so loud! Yeah, all goblins can talk on Halloween.

CM: I have to tell everyone!

Neo: NO! Don't tell anyone! Now that you know, I have to kill you as it is!

CM: Wait, I have an idea. Um, don't kill me, aaaaand...you get 50% of whatever we get paid for our pirate ghost photo.

Neo: Done.

(At Treasure Dog's house)

CM: I've set out some bait, like milk and cookies for Santa, only this is a pirate ghost, so...hardtack and grog.

Neo: This is boring! I hope you're happy, because I could be out pranking with everyone else!

CM: You know, I think I liked you better when you couldn't talk!

Neo: Why? You could understand me anyway!

CM: No, we just pretend to!

Neo: Now you're lying.

CM: Okay, I'll give you that...Hush! Here it comes! Camera ready?

Neo: Yeah, but...aren't you a little afraid?

CM: It's just a ghost! What can it do? Say "boo" and make the room cold?

(Neo tosses CM the camera, runs away and hides.)

CM: Man, that is one butt-ugly ghost.

Ghost of Treasure Dog: Yarr! It be a talkin' ball o' lint!

CM: That's right, Treasure Dog. Lemme take your picture, and nobody gets hurt.

(The next day)

CM: Did you get 'em developed, RClock?

RClock: Yep, but I'm afraid Treasure Dog didn't turn out.

Mr. Teatime: Pictures of ghosts seldom do.

CM: Ah well, it was worth a shot. So how was pranking last night?

HSRT: Terrible! I don't know why we thought it would be a good idea to egg VanillaPlastic's trunk!

CM: You mean she got out?

like2jig: Yeah, and I have the tooth marks to prove it!

CM: Yikes. Looks like the scariest part is yet to come.

(Dun dun dun! {No, it's not a two-parter} PM CM in the AM or...the FM...I'll shut up now...)

[RClock]

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHA

*schnorrrrrt*

'Scuse me.

BEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Okay, I'm good.

The Ghost of Treasure Dog! That was insanely great!!! I guess I wasn't the only one who saw him as a pit bull in a pirate costume after all!

Oh, man. Good dialogue, adorably great picture, expansion of the Chocomail mythos... solid production all around!

I can't believe this. I'm still laughing. I'm just not transcribing it anymore.

[daBurninator]

That was awesome ChocoMetal!
Great costumes, too! My favorite was Lisa Simpson.

[ChocolateMetal]

Thanks D_B! I didn't know you read these! Needless to say, the costumes in your BurnToon were awesome too. My fave was Pom Pom as Michelangelo.

[Mr. Teatime]

Well, thank you for whole-heartedly convincing me not to dress up as Dame Edna  Once again, this email reigned supreme. In terms of laffs, you're already shaping up to become easilly one of the greatest email threads of BHZ.

[ChocolateMetal]

(CM is carrying a yellow flag with black spots that has "CHEAT POWER" on it in blue letters.)

CM: C'mon, you guys! It'll be fun!

Mr. Teatime: But I don't wanna leave the house!

HSRT: Yeah, isn't this ragweed season?

CM: Since I have no idea where our "email house" is actually located, I can't honestly answer that. Wait, actually it doesn't matter, because there's no ragweed on Tryfogle.

Neo: *But won't we need passports and stuff?*

CM: Nah. Immigration is ridiculously lax. If you don't look like a giant monster, you're good to go. (sadly) Oh...wait...like2jig...

like2jig: Awwww!

CM: Uh, don't worry, we'll think of something. Wait, do you have a vegetarian ID?

like2jig: But I'm not even...

CM: Okay, umm...Got it! Carry this! (hands her the flag)

like2jig: That's it?

CM: Like I said, it's ridiculously lax. Oh man, this is gonna be the best Tryfoglian Heritage Day ever!

(RClock comes in with lots of THD stuff)

RClock: Everybody ready?

Neo: *I dunno, I've never had a birthday off the planet before...*

RClock: Well, that just means your birthday'll be...

Neo: *Don't say it!*

RClock: ...out of this world!

Neo: *AAAUUGH! I told you not to say it!*

(RClock puts on a 5th of November T-shirt over his robe and hands out T-shirts to the others)

CM: I'm not gonna wear one, they're Cheat-spotted and it'll just look like I have words on my stomach. Oh, right, I should probably check an e-mail before I go.

Dear CoCoFe,

What do you think Chocomails will be like 100 years from now? Will things change at all, or will everything be the same, just... older?

Edwin

Wait a minute. CoCoFe? Cobalt, cobalt, iron? Wouldn't that be Co₂Fe? Hmm, cobalt, nickel and iron are the only three magnetic elements on Earth, so two parts cobalt to one part iron must be extremely magnetic. This guy is saying I'm extremely magnetic! Oh, great. Another email I have to hide from RClock.

CM: RCLOCK, DON'T LOOK AT THIS EMAIL!

RClock: Okay!

Well, Ed, Edd or Eddy, Tryfogle has a cryogenics service, so when we get there, we can find out firsthand!

(on Tryfogle)

CM: So, what do you guys think of the place?

Neo: *It's very...spotty.*

HSRT: I love how the gravity is 70% that of Earth!

(HSRT runs and jumps twenty feet in the air.)

like2jig: It's only my first day here, and they let me be in the 5th of November parade! Even though I got mistaken for a balloon when I was flying.

RClock: Isn't that the cryogenics place?

CM: Sure is. Now remember, when they ask "How long?" it's "100 years".

Mr. Teatime: Maybe I shouldn't. I freezerburn easily. I think I should just wait it out. You know, semi-immortal and everything.

CM: Have it your way...chicken.

Mr. Teatime: Was that supposed to be an insult?

CM: Ugh. Never mind. Let's just go.

(100 years later)

CM: Brr! Isn't there a hand dryer around here?

HSRT: Why is everything so cold?

Neo: *Maybe because we just got out of cryostasis?*

like2jig: What are you guys complaining about? You're the warm-blooded ones!

CM: And you're the one who can breathe fire!

like2jig: Oh, right! (breathes on RClock, who is still frozen solid)

RClock: I'm just like Han Solo!

CM: (rolls eyes) Yee-up. Juuust like 'im. Hey, I wonder if they still have email...

(Mr. Teatime comes up to them)

CM: Is email still around?

Mr. Teatime: (snickers) Sure, in the Museum of Really Old Stuff.

CM: Let's go there!

(At the museum, CM checks her email on one of the laptops on display.)

Dear ChMt:

Where did you go to school?

The Wolf

Well, I attended Tryfoglian Diaper School for the Gifted, which...what's that, Mr. Teatime? Oh. ...which, apparently has been razed this past century to make room for a prison.

Mr. Teatime: Don't feel too bad, Choco. A lot of buildings were razed to make room for prisons.

CM: Why would we need so many? Tryfogle's crime rate is one of the lowest in the solar system!

Mr. Teatime: Let's just say the rules are a lot stricter now.

CM: Hmmph. Well, Cryolife keeps you in there to the exact day, so it should still be Heritage Day.

Mr. Teatime: Nope, all holidays are outlawed.

CM: Huh?! Well, we can still celebrate Neo's 120th birthday.

Mr. Teatime: The "no holidays" thing goes for birthdays and weekends, too.

CM: WHAT?! Who the heck is in power?

Mr. Teatime: (looks at the ground) Three guesses.

CM: No.

(To be continued!)

[RClock]

 

Oh no!

Something evil this way comes, methinks.

I like this one. Everybody goes on a road trip (cosmos trip?), and we get to see Tryfoglian culture first-hand! It's a sweeps week episode!

And oh, yeah. I'm just like Han Solo. In fact, I probably gained 10 pounds in cryonic storage, just like he did.

Nice sitcommy dialogue. Everybody has that nice mixed of "used-to-each-other" and "annoyed-at-each-other" that all the great ensembles have.

Now you've got me all twitchy to see how this turns out! After all, being a century in the future on a dictatorial planet isn't exactly the best of situations to be in.

*tic, tic*

Heh. Sounds like... a clock...

P.S.

Sure you're magnetic. You attracted me, didn't you?

[Mr. Teatime]

Hmm...I think I know who took over Trfogle...and I think I'm ok with this...

Awesome job, again. Can't wait for part 2!

[Bane of the forum]

This is definitely interresting. Keep up the good work.

[ChocolateMetal]

#7 - Tryfogle! Part 2

Mr. Teatime: That's right. VanillaPlastic and the Evil Coalition have seized control of the entire planet.

CM: How did this happen?

Mr. Teatime: Well, we...uh, they overthrew Emperor Wirrahwoo by poisoning him and as he had no heir to the throne, they usurped it.

CM: Wirrahwoo had three sons!

Mr. Teatime: Had, Choco. As you know, he wasn't the brightest of Cheats and allowed VP to be his nanny.

CM: This is sick. I...I need to check an email.

Dear FudgeSteel,

What's the deal with the food/hard shiny stuff words for your name? Are you like....some kinda yummy-metalic cheat dealie?

-DB

I believe I've already answered this! Like, in the first email! Take it away, Really Old Laptop!

Really Old Laptop: *kadunk-a-digga-pukka-chi-WHEEZE! SPUTTER!-pow!

CM: Sheesh. That thing hasn't aged well.

Voice: I see you deleted my email...

CM: I delete a lot of emails, what do you...

(CM turns to see a pair of yellow eyes at the window.)

D_B: Are you asking for a CHALLEEEEEENGE!!

CM: Sure. Bring it on.

D_B: Your email crew against the Evil Coalition. Be at the ring by noon.

CM: I was hoping to solve this through time travel or something, but it looks like it'll just be an all-out brawl like all the other email threads. NO! I will not be just like all the other email threads! This is Chocomails! IT ANSWERS TO NO ONE! I refuse your challenge!

D_B: COWARD!

CM: Call names all you like, but we'll win in the end. Even though...we are kind of outnumbered...

Mr. Teatime: Oh, that reminds me...

(Mr. Teatime takes his place alongside Homestar of Shadow, Darkest Raven, VanillaPlastic, Da_Burninator, Peopletried2fademe and Pride of the Peaches.)

CM: Great. Thanks for nothing, Two_Timey!

VP:

Your so-called friend has been most instrumental in making our rise to power possible! MEH!

CM: Really? Did he get a free tote bag, or is that at the $100 membership level?

VP:

SILENCE! MEH! Time travel has long been outlawed, so there is no hope for you! VanillaPlastic shall eliminate you and her cronies your friends! MEH!

RClock: You realize you'll be getting rid of some of the forum's finest.

VP:

PERFECT! You are aware that you cannot win, ChocolateMetal. VanillaPlastic has the power of the dark energy, given to her by Homestar of Shadow over an AIM chat! What do you have, ChocolateMetal? What indeed? NOTHING! MEH!

CM: You'll find out soon enough. For now, lik2jig will challenge D_B in the ring.

RClock: But I thought...

(CM winks.)

RClock: Hmm...

(like2jig and D_B are in the ring.)

D_B: Waaait...you're a GIRL Trogdor!

(The two gaze into each other's eyes and "Theme from A Summer Place" plays in the background.)

VP:

Oh, good gravy!

CM: One down, six to go. Wait, make that five. Mr. Teatime is apparently having a crisis of conscience and is fighting himself.

Neo: *Either that or he's schizo and never told us.*

CM: Anyway, one of us will still have to take on two people.

RClock: I know. I'll take on HoS and Darkest_Raven.

CM: What about you, Skye?

HSRT: I've got PotP.

CM: So, you'll go up against PT2FM, Neo. And obviously I'll take VP.

RClock: Both my opponents are already rendered useless.

CM: Already?!

RClock: Yup. Too busy arguing over who is the "darkest".

Neo: *Wouldn't that be Darkest_Raven? After all, it's in her name.*

RClock: That seems to be the point she keeps bringing up. But HoS isn't having it.

(Meanwhile, HSRT is showing a story he's written to PotP.)

PotP: This is awesome! Can't wait till it's finished!

HSRT: Well, if you kill me, I can't finish it, now can I?

PotP: Oh...well, I guess not...

(Neo and PT2FM are having a dance-off. PT2FM finally collapses to the ground from exhaustion, no match for Neo's Super Dino-Whoppin' Dancing Power.)

Neo: *Consider yourself pwned! Or should I say...FADED!*

CM: (inhales deeply) Well, here we go...it's just you and me, VP.

VP:

You may as well forfeit now, ChocolateMetal! What can save you from VanillaPlastic's dark energy blasts?

(Darkness is defeated by light, of course, and CM tries to reflect some off her tooth, but it's no use. The horrible purple rays begin to engulf CM and suffocate her.)

CM: (choking) Skye! You remember that one rhyme I told you on AIM...about me...and VP...

HSRT: No, not really. Wait! Kinda...how it'd go? Oh yeah!

"ChocolateMetal is strong and sweet,
VanillaPlastic is bland and cheap."

VP:

WHAT?! NOOOOO! MEEEEEHHHHHH....

(VP implodes into a black hole - well, okay, more of a purple hole - and takes the rest of the Evil Coalition, save Mr. Teatime, with her.)

like2jig: NOOOO! D_B!

D_B: What?

like2jig: Huh?

(Before the Chocomails crew stands D_B, Homestar of Light, PT2FM, Darkest Raven, and PotP, all redeemed. Tons of Cheats come out of hiding and throng around HSRT.)

CM: Skye, you're a hero!

HSRT: Sweet. First off, we'll reinstate all holidays, starting with today, Tryfoglian Heritage Day!

Crowd: WIR RIR! WIR RIR!

CM: So, how's this for a 120th birthday, Neo?

Neo: *...*

RClock: I've never seen him speechless before.

CM: As the cliche goes, this should end with us kissing.

RClock: Works for me.

(I hope you all enjoyed what I've decided will be my final Chocomail. Ciao fer now, keep your stick on the ice, and may you outlive all your creditors.)

[Shapepressio]

WHAT!?!That was final!!!Please make more!Make more!Make a sequel thread!It's too good to go!!!

[RClock]

Aww, mama? It's over! 

At least it went out at the top of its game. That was an utterly hilarious, fabulous ending (especially the very end ). Nice job poking fun at the battle threads and whatnot. The nonchalant way you handled that was refreshing, and the dialogue was nice and satirical.

Good job on keeping Chocomails fresh, fun, and not letting your standards dip. As always, I look forward to your next project.

Live the dream,

RClock