Chocomails: #11 - The Full Choco

[HomeStarRunnerTron]

Oh... man... I've just read all this. My fav things have to be, through the whole thread:

(Meanwhile, HSRT is showing a story he's written to PotP.)

PotP: This is awesome! Can't wait till it's finished!

HSRT: Well, if you kill me, I can't finish it, now can I?

PotP: Oh...well, I guess not...


My Waldo Costume, that matches COMPLETELY!


The Crackotage Email... I love the rhymes, and how you gave him an unrhymable fruit! :-D


The Last Toon, I loved it! Man, now two people in the emails have a girl/boyfriend! like2jig and DB... you and RClock... and me and my laptop! *hugs it* You're one of the most awexome writers I know! I want to make a fantoon, if possible. Or even, sometime in December or what not, make these into Flash. They are SO awexome! 11,111/10

I hope someday you make more Chocomails, or if not, Chocotoons.

Rock rock on! ... but not with Crackotage!

-HSRT

[Mr. Teatime]

Hmm...it's gunna be hard expressing how awesome I thought these were after HSRT. I'll just say...I'm sad they're going away so quickly, but I'm sure you have your reasons...I'll be looking forward to the next thing(s) you write.

[ChocolateMetal]

I'm glad you guys liked all these so much. Who knows, they might come back someday, but for now they're done.

And HSRT, you're more than welcome to make a fantoon or put these into Flash.

[skinny_blonde_girl]

I just read all of these, and they're awesome! Too bad I found this after you decided to stop. These in flash would be aweXome with a capital x.

[ChocolateMetal]

You are in a desolate corner of the email thread. The light of the full moon casts a sickly pallor on the many graves in this dusty plot of land, some elaborate and adorned with wreaths and bouquets, others very simple, some even unmarked. Your eye falls on a headstone that reads simply, "Chocomails". In front of it lies a single bouquet of pink roses, once fresh and fragrant, now withered and brittle. A shadow falls across the grave, and you look up to see a figure in a black hooded robe...

RClock: Oh, hey there. Would you help me wake the dead?

Without waiting for your response, he begins shouting at the grave.

RClock: Choco! CHOCO!

A fuzzy yellow figure peeks out from behind the headstone.

CM: Whaddya want?!

RClock: Oh, there you are. Didn't you say that Chocomails would return in 2005?

CM: Might. I said they might.

RClock: Aw, c'mon! It'll be so much fun!

CM: Fine.

RClock: Well, that was easy.

CM: I've been lying in the ground for months, I don't have the strength to argue. Now let's go get the others.

You watch as like2jig is freed from a bronze statue in Chinatown, Mr. Teatime is rescued from a deli in Seattle, HSRT is pulled out of a volcano (surprisingly unscathed), and Neo was stowing away in the hood of RClock's robe all along.

RClock: Well, that's everyone.

CM: Umm...not quite.

CM walks toward the grave you're standing next to. The tombstone reads "SBG-mails". She begins to dig with her paws but gives up soon.

CM: These aren't exactly equipped for digging. A little help?

You start to dig with your hands, but the earth is like stone.

RClock: Not you. She was talking to me.

Being a Poopsmith, RClock is quite proficient with the shovel he carries in his robe in all times and thus has SBG exhumed in a matter of seconds.

RClock: Whew! That was quite a run-on sentence!

Why, thank you.

RClock: No problem. Welcome to the cast, SBG!

SBG: RRRRAAAARRRGGHH!

RClock: Come again?

SBG: I said, thanks! Is this the part where we answer an email now?

CM: At the moment, we don't have any emails.

CM looks directly at you.

CM: That's where YOU come in!

Do you...

a) Send ChocolateMetal a PM

b) Send ChocolateMetal a PM

c) Send ChocolateMetal a PM

The choice is yours!

[RClock]

Hey, now! What's this, then? What an unexpected treat!

Okay, guys. This is your cue! Kindle the comedy flames with big ol' sticks of PMs! Tout suite!

[Mr. Teatime]

Yayz! In only 7 emails, this had become one of my favorite threads back in the day! If you continue on some more, you can totally being all...making hilarity on into the night. (I liked that deli...)

[skinny_blonde_girl]

Woah! Was I dead?

Anyways, that was hilarious! I'm so glad these are coming back, one of my favorite threads. I'm totally sending you a PM. Like, right now.

[Faded]

lol! Great job CM! Love to see these come back!

[ChocolateMetal]

Chocomails: #8 - Shocking

SBG: Canweansweranemailcanweansweranemailcanweansweranemailcanweansweranemail?

Mr. Teatime: It's not like you've never been in any other email threads. Surely you must know how it works by now.

SBG: But those are my alter egos in those threads! I mean, think of how many you have! I'm the Chocomails SBG and I want to answer a Chocomail!

Mr. Teatime: (calmly) You can't. That's CM's job.

SBG: (eye twitches) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

Mr. Teatime: (still calmly) Actually, no I don't. Would you care to clarify?

(We cut to the kitchen where SBG is wearing an apron and referencing a cookbook)

SBG: So, that's 2 hours at 360 degrees...

(A loud thumping is heard from inside the oven.)

SBG: Oh, shaddup. Nobody likes a moving dinner.

CM: Hey, SBG, we're going to answer an email.

SBG: Yaaaaay!

Dear Choco,

So I see you decided to make your return to the email community and partake in the bounty that are email threads which I find cool.

HAHA! Beat you weird voice over guy!

-Harp

Umm...what? Uh...yeah. It's good to be back. Yyyyyup.

CM's Recycle Bin: *kadunk-a-digga-pukka-chi-pow!*

SBG: ............... Canwedoanotheronecanwedoanotheronecanwedoanotherone?

CM: NO. Not right now. Me and the others are going to go watch Neo try to get struck by lightning. You can stay here and continue to get acquainted with Mr. Teatime. By the way, what smells so good?

SBG: Um...dinner. Yes. OK, bye now! Have fun!

(As they head out the door, SBG snickers as CM leaves. We cut to an open field where it's dark and stormy out. Neo is all wrapped up in tin foil.)

HSRT: (calling over the wind) Now why exactly do you want to do this?

(Neo's reply is lost in the wind.)

RClock: If I remember, he wanted to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.

like2jig: For what? The dumbest idea ever?

RClock: No, for the most number of times being struck by lightning and surviving.

CM: Except the other guys achieved their records by separate occurences.

RClock: Neo doesn't have that kind of patience. Choco, is that...?

CM: What?

RClock: (snickers) Turn around.

(CM does so, revealing a sock stuck on her back.)

RClock: You have a sock stuck to you. Lemme get it.

(RClock peels the sock off, and it crackles, rife with static electricity.)

RClock: There. You really should...what the?

(RClock notices CM is clinging to his arm by the fur on top of her head.)

RClock: (laughs) Choco! You staticky little stinker! Here...

(He peels her off, only to find she is now clinging to his other arm.)

RClock: Good grief! This is getting ridiculous!

(He tries pulling CM off yet again, only this time it's more of a struggle.)

CM: Ow! Quit shocking me!

RClock: Sorry, sorry.

(RClock licks his glove (GROSS!) and tries to slick down CM's fur, but it's no use.)

CM: Eew! Stoppit! *shock* OUCH! Stop THAT, too!

(RClock finally gets her free, but she is very staticky and her fur is sticking out everywhere. Neo is suddenly struck by a bolt of lightning, and another.)

HSRT: That's two, Neo! Keep up the pace!

(A third jolt, and Neo is severely fried. CM rushes out to rescue him from another zap.)

CM: Neo, cut it out! Nobody likes the smell of burnt goblin!

(She yanks the tinfoil off him just in time, for the lightning strikes again, only this time CM is the victim.)

CM: ...

HSRT: I think the shock must have affected her nervous system!

(CM is trembling and making small, strange hiccuping noises.)

CM: ...pee-KUH!...pee-KUH!...pee-KUH!...

(Ash from her singed fur irritates CM's snout and she sneezes, sending sparks evrywhere.)

CM: Ka-CHOOOOOO!

(Lightning bolts electrocute everyone else, including poor Neo.)

like2jig: RClock! Use Bounce attack!

(RClock whips out a box of Bounce and starts scrubbing CM all over. It takes every sheet in the box, but she's finally de-staticked.)

CM: Let's go home.

Neo: *Wait! How many more strikes do I need?*

CM: I'm sure you've broken the goblin record, at least. C'mon.

(The gang returns home to find SBG pulling a stuffed, roasted chicken with all the trimmings out of the oven.)

SBG: Canweansweranotheremailhuhpleasepleaseplease?

CM: Sure, what's the harm?

Dear Coco Chanel,

Do you have problems with static cling?

-Dorjie

CM: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Send me a PM and I will not send you a dead chicken. Maybe.

[Mr. Teatime]

Speaking of Aaaah: Aaaaahh! You keeeled me!

Man, I am so glad these are back! That was amazingly awesome!

[RClock]

Whoa, you used it! And utterly brilliantly, too! That static cling slapstick was one of the funniest things I've read all month! Nice use of the new character dynamic, too. Old and new are both great. And a little bit of Pokemon didn't hurt, neither.

Funny stuff, Choco. Hope this goes on for some time to come yet, especially at this level of quality.

[skinny_blonde_girl]

That was hilarious! I hope Teatime doesn't hold grudges. 

[Bane of the forum]

It's nice to see these back! I liked how you used the word "rife"; that's almost as good as ubiquitous. Now to come up with an email idea... hmmmmm.

[ChocolateMetal]

#9 - Lost Tribe

SBG: OK, it has been like forever and a day! Why are you STILL not answering emails?

CM: Why do you have no life outside of watching me answer emails? And why are you still wearing that apron from the last email?

SBG: It gives me super powers! WHOOOOSH!

CM: OK, what about the first question?

SBG: ...It gives me super powers! WHOOOOSH!

CM: If I answer an email, will you stop being so weird?

SBG: No! Never! Not ever! And a WHOO-

Mr. Teatime: Have a pie!

(SBG gets splutted with a pie, which she licks off ravenously.)

CM: Email.

Dear Artificial-Flavored-Mineral,
If you were to destroy any town that had a "q" in there name, how would you use only a toothpick, a picture of RClock holding a pinnapple, and your first dirty diper type thing to blow up their main central government?
Your adjective noun,
PT2FM

Whoa, whoa, whoa. My adjective noun? No adverbs? Better go see Lolly, sir. Anyhoo...

CM: WHO WANTS TO GO TO TRYFOGLE?

(Utter silence, and maybe crickets.)

CM: NO CRYOGENICS INVOLVED THIS TIME!

(Everyone rushes to the door.)

CM: Wait, wait, wait. (grabs pineapple from wax fruit bowl) RClock, hold this! (whips out Polaroid) And smile!

(RClock smiles just a tiny bit.)

CM: NO! More, more! BIGGER! BIGGER!

(When CM finally takes the picture, RClock's mouth is so enormously stretched out you can barely call it a smile.)

CM: Alright, what's next?...What the?! Why would I still have my first dirty diaper? I don't even wanna know how they do things at Casa de Faded.

(RClock produce the not-quite-desired item from his cloak.)

RC: Right here!

CM: O_o ...you KEPT that?!

RC: (snuggling it like a blankie) Why, of course!

CM: *sigh* Remember that little talk we had about what borders on stalker-ish?

RC: Oh, I hardly think this is crossing the line.

CM: But doesn't the smell bother...Oh. Right. Poopsmith. Stupid question. Now...toothpick. I only have one tooth, so I don't have any of those. Meh, we can get one when we get there.

Neo: *No need! I collect those little toothpicks in wrappers you get at restaurants! Here's one!*

CM: Thank you. Now, off to Tryfogle!

(On Tryfogle)

CM: Now, to destroy a town with a "Q"...AHA! The lost tribe of Quandoomnifluncusmoritati!

Mr. Teatime: How did you find out about them?

CM: Oh, everybody knows about them.

like2jig: Then why are they a lost tribe?

CM: That's just a legal status they claim for historical preservation. But secretly, EVERYONE wants to get rid of them. They're the only Cheats on the planet who are purple.

HSRT: (sadly) Hmm. I was hoping Tryfogle would be a little more enlightened than that.

CM: It's not just mindless prejudice, Skye. These guys are evil. They sneak into your house and rearrange your furniture while you sleep.

HSRT: ... And?

CM: And it's time for us to get going.

(Our dubious heroes arrive at the village of Quandoomnifluncusmoritati)

CM: Now, according to legend, that volcano is very unstable and will erupt if so much as a pebble is dropped into it. How about if I dropped these three things into it? THAT'S how I'll blow up their central government.

RC: Choco, stop! Are you really going to obliterate an indigenous tribe for the sake of answering an email?

CM: RClock, they're cannibals.

RC: Ah. Carry on.

(CM hovers to the top of the volcano, drops the three items in, and a loud rumbling is heard.)

SBG: Can we run away now?

(Fuschia smoke rises out of the volcano, forming an orb, and then two smaller orbs on either side, and then eyes and a mouth form on the middle orb)

F_P: FEEL THE POWAH!

(RClock runs away screaming like a schoolgirl)

F_P: Ugh...I don't feel so good...that diaper was really spicy...

(The volcano suddenly erupts violently)

CM: Yes, SBG, we can definitely run now!

(Back home)

HSRT: I'm surprised none of the locals were hurt!

Neo: *Good thing the toothpick and the photo grew to 100 times their normal size so they all could have a raft to ride the lava on!*

CM: Yeah, because wood and film don't burn. ... Man, this is the worst deus ex machina ever.

Mr. Teatime: Neo, you ended your sentence with a proposition.

Neo: *Bite me.*

(Keep the PMs coming and I'll keep these things coming also maybe.)