ClockMails #31 & #32: "Catch that Cheat!" and "This is Halloween?!"

[RClock]

*Back to the couch*

RC: Oh, and there we are at Las Vegas. Do you think we fit in?

TC: I think there are Amish people out there who fit in at Vegas better than we did.

RC: Well, it didn't help that poor Choco had to stay in the hotel the whole time.

CM: Flashing neon makes me homicidal, okay? I'm starting to froth at the mouth just looking at these pictures...

RC: So it was the guys' night out, right, The Chort?

TC: And sure enough, here we are getting booted out of the Golden Nugget.

RC: I think that was pure discrimination on the manager's part.

TC: Well, it didn't help that you mistook the slot machines for "Love Grip" testers. You were banging on the machines and yelling "Tell me I'm Hot Stuff! Tell me, you lying piece of junk!"

RC: And Sigfried and Roy's tigers didn't react kindly to that glowstick either.

TC: Well, they should put warning labels on these things!

RC: Ah, the memories. So, where are we going to go on our next vacation?

CM: Preferably somewhere where the FBI doesn't have any active presence. What about Niagara Falls?

TC: I dunno. Seems like a big trip to just watch a whole lot of water falling.

RC: It's not about the water, The Chort! It's about the spectacle! I mean, do you realize how many years it took Auguste Niagara to build that thing?

*CM and TC stare*

RC: Oh, come on, you're not telling me that thing is natural, are you?

*There is a knock at the door*

RC: I'll get it!

*He jumps up and heads for the door*

TC: "Auguste Niagara?"

CM: He was never very good at geography, I'm afraid.

*Outside, Ivan and The Sneak stand at the door*

Ivan: I must make my amends to these people, The Sneak. I shall simply apologize for my actions, assuring them that it was just the result of my schizophrenic hysteria after that head trauma. Then we will be friends, and exchange trendy butter recipes!

*He knocks on the door*

Ivan: Open the door, good sir! I come in peace! I have come to sin no more!

*RClock violently opens the door, slamming Ivan against the wall*

RC: Did somebody knock? Oh, it's you. Hi, The Sneak. Sorry, but band practice has been suspended indefinitely. But maybe that rapper guy with the long name that was hanging around here could use a backup... guy. Whatever those are called. Sorry.

*He closes the door. Ivan slumps to the ground. His eyes are spirals again*

Ivan: WHAT?! Does Komrade Klock dare to strike Ivan the master spy with a door? Oh, I swear by Lenin's enbalming fluid that he will feel the pain of a HUNDRED doors!!!

*The Sneak holds up a sign that says "Well folks, it looks like we have a running gag on our hands*"

THE END

[skinny_blonde_girl]

Greak stuff RClock! I can't wait for the next one.

[ChocolateMetal]

HAA! Another great one!

Uh-oh...neon...RRRRRR!!

[The Chort]

I love the way your emails are never just about the emails. They always have other things going on, so we get a look at the bigger picture. I'm a big fan of the cameos, and I love the visual imagery I get when I read your stuff. I can just see a frothing CM with all those neon lights, or the bats attacking as a green glowstick scares them. You're aweXome at this, and I hope you keep it going for a long time!

[Faded]

Cool I got a lot of answered emails this thread........Great job...........................BOO!

[RClock]

Okay, first off, you may want to see this snapshot from our cherished photo album. This was our memorable trip to Hawaii. Check me out! Authentic grass skirt, shirt purchased at "Don Ho-rama", "hang loose" sign at the ready; who's the Big Kahuna? Although just after this picture was taken The Chort started screaming something about molten lava or something and he dropped that pineapple cup on my foot. That left a bruise, let me tell you. Oh, and I have no idea who that guy on the left is. I assume he was a local who wandered into the shot.

Okay, now on with the e-mail!

*RClock and ChocolateMetal are on the couch watching TV all lazy-like. RC is slumped against the cushions and CM is lying crisper drawer-style. An action movie can vaguely be heard in the background*

RC: There it is again.

CM: Yep. And... right there.

RC: And there...

CM: And there's another one there.

RC: Are you sure? I think that's just a continuation of the last one.

CM: No, it counts as different, because they changed the camera angle.

RC: Oh, right. The camera angle.

TC: What are you guys doing?

RC: Oh, hi, The Chort.

CM: We're counting how many times Keanu Reeves fails to make a facial expression.

RC: Like... see? Like that!

TC: Oh, I see what you mean.

CM: There's another one.

RC: Hey Chorty, take over for me, will ya? I'm gonna go check my e-mail.

CM: Aww. We were just getting cozy!

RC: Hey, no problem, sweets. I'll keep this one quick. Keep the couch warm for me, Chorty.

TC: Uh, sure thing.

*RClock leaves. The Chort tentatively sits on the couch*

CM: See? There's another one there.

TC: Ah, right. And there's one there.

CM: No, that doesn't count. See how he wrinkled his forehead just a little there? That means he's really, really angry.

TC: Oh. You're good at this! Ooh. Those bad guys just blew up all of his friends and family. I'll bet he'll have a facial expression now.

Keanu: Whoa.

TC: ...Or not.

*RClock walks up to the computer*

RC: Why do I answer these e-mails? Who knows? Maybe it's for my own enjoyment. Maybe I'm just trying out something new. And maybe I'm just trying to make my solitary voice heard in a cold, monolithic world... oh, no! I'm an Offspring song! Let's change the subject and see an e-mail, quick!

--
kcolCR
?yalp syug uoy od strops fo dnik tahW
boB
--

RC: Oh, brother. So much for keeping it short. All right, poor Bobby. I'm only doing this for you once. Nnnnggghhh.... hrnnnnggghhh...

*!ESREVER*

.naf cixelsyd tsrif sih morf liam-e na srewsna kcolCR ,sliaMkcolC laiceps yrev a no ,yadoT

.tuokrow ruomuh fo esnes degnared lanoisacco eht dnA .sdnim ruo gnizicrecxe referp eW .sdups hcuoc alpuoc a era I dna ocohC tub ,si trohC ehT ,naem I .ereh dnuora hcnub citelhta yllaer a ton er'eW ?boB huh ,stropS

*.sdnabtaews ni ocohC dna kcolCR ees eW*

...'niyd m'I :CR

!erom net tsuJ !no emoc ,hO :MC

"...yb em rebmemer ot gnihtemos s'ereH" syas dna nikpmup a htiw kcab semoc eh neht dna ...hU :CR

!gniyrt neve ton er'uoy ,wA :MC

!gninrom siht tsuj sekoj ytrid sllet taht esroh eht htiw pu emac I !kcals emos em tuC :CR

.tros lacisyhp eht fo sezicrecxe emos teg ot evah ew os ti sexif trohC ehT semitemos tuB :(.o.v) CR
 
*sredluohs s'CR no si MC .egdirf eht fo pot no raj eikooc a hcaer ot gniyrt nehctik eht ni era MC dna CR*

...hcaer ruo fo tuo seikooc eht stup eh nehw ekiL :(.o.v) CR

!hcaer t'nac I !rehgiH :MC

!meht barg dna pu revoh tsuj t'nac uoy yhw ees t'nod llits I :CR

!em seracs naf gniliec eht taht llew yrev wonk uoY :MC

*roolf eht no si lortnoc etomer ehT .hcuoc eht no depmuls MC dna CR ees eW*

...roolf eht no etomer eht stup eh nehw rO :(.o.v) CR

.etomer eht pu kcip uoy ...hhhhhU :CR

.etomer eht pu kcip uoy  ,oN :MC

.tsrif deksa I :CR

.dnoces deska I :MC

.resolc er'uoY :CR

.retuc m'I :MC

!tignaD :CR

*raeg toukrow lluf ni moor cer eht ni oirt eht ees eW*

!!!GNOP-GNIP EMERTXE fo emag denoihsaf-dlo na evah dna elttil a ni evig ew ,htnom a eciwt tuB :(.o.v)CR

*.seye eht neewteb thgir navI gnilian ,seoreh ruo ot decitonnu ,dna ,llaw eht ,elddap s'kcolCR hguorht naelc snrub taht tohs elbidercni na gnilian trohC ehT htiw sdne tI .ees did reve uoy gnop-gnip fo emag esnetni tsom eht gniyalp eerht eht fo ecneuqes gnillirht a ees eW*

.tseb eht ekil I taht sdrawretfa nwod gnidniw eht s'ti tuB :(.o.v.) CR

*evots eht no top gniliob yltneg a ni gnittis MC ees eW*

.doog sleef taht ...hhhhaaaaA :MC

*sredluohs sih no lewot a htiw ni semoc kcolCR*

!ereht ni tif nac ohw eno ylno eht er'ouY !riaf on ,yeH :CR

.melborp a eb t'ndluow siht but toh a rof gnirps d'uoy fi ,lleW :MC

!eno droffa ot boj laer a ,ekil ,teg ot evah d'I !evisnepxe ylsuolucidir era sgniht esohT ?gniddik uoY :CR

?ereh ni aococ gnikam ydobemos sI *ffins ,ffins*: (gniretne) CT

*retupmoc eht ot kcaB*

hhhhggggnnnn ...woh rebmemer llits I fi ...niaga drawrof gniklat ot kcab og ll'I kniht I .raeb-oR ,su fo tuo gnitteg er'uoy troffe lacisyhp eht lla tuoba s'taht ,lleW :CR

*REVERSE!*

Whoa. That was quite a trip. I hope I haven't done any damage messing with the flow of time like that. Let's see.

*He heads back to the couch. TC and CM are watching a different movie*

RC: What's on, guys?

CM: Oh, it's this new movie called "The Breakfast Club".

RC: Hm... I didn't know it was... OH NO! I HAVE messed with the timestream and pulled the world back into the past... and that means... I HAVE TO GO THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN! AUUUUGGGGHHHHH!

*He passes out.*

CM (jumping down and shaking him): RClock! I was joking! Joking! It's something I tend to do from time to time!

RC (mumbling): Don't make me go through the cornfield, Aunt Ethel... Wicked things lurk there in the midnight hour...

*He slumps down*

CM: Ah, crap. Now how will I... hmm... (grinning wickedly). I guess the only option I have is mouth-to-mouth resusitation.

*RClock smiles through his alleged coma*

CM: But I'm not very good at that. Maybe I could call Mr. Teatime and he could...

*RClock leaps straight up and clings to a light fixture*

RC: I'm up I'm up I'm up I'm up I'm up I'm up already!

CM (smiling): Works every time!

TC: Hey, could you lovebirds keep it down? I'm trying to hear this authentic John Hughes dialogue!

*We now cut to Ivan's hideout. Ivan, in a body cast, is watching the same movie*

Ivan: Nobody in the world speaks as these people speak! The Sneak! I told you to change the channel!

*The Sneak snuffles in with a platter of chicken fillets*

Ivan: No, no! I distinctly asked for parmesan! This is gouda!

TS: *snort*

Ivan: Ivan does not want excuses! Ivan wants results! And parmesan! Ivan's body and soul clamour for sweet, sweet parmesan!

*The Sneak snorts and hits the remote, switching the channel to the 24-hour Charlie Sheen Network. He spitefully leaves*

Ivan: No! No, The Sneak! Come back! I apologize! Gouda will be fine! The Sneak! THE SNEAK!!!! Oh, I would not subject a dog to such torment. Why me?

THE END

[potthole]

Wow, these are very good!  All that backward typing from the newest one was a bit too much for my head to handle, but these things rock!  Very funny stuff!  Keep it up!  I shall be keeping current with this thread!

[The Chort]

Oh, the horrors I unleashed... I'd like to apologize to the entire Clock Mail reading world for sending that in. I've got a huge head-ache now...

But, it still rocked! Grood job!

[ChocolateMetal]

!daer ot truh adnik ti hguoht nevE !kcolcR boj taerG

Okay, I'll stop.

I loved HSRT's cameo in the egg. And the mouth-to-mouth bit was gold. And me in my little spa...

[RClock]

If you thought reading it was hard, typing it was even worse. Oh, my achin' left hand.

I hereby swear that I will NEVER do a backwards e-mail again, no matter what. Really. Once is more than enough.

Whoa. At this rate this could very well be my first Hot Topic!

[RClock]

This ClockMail was made possible by a grant from the BHZ ("He isn't vertical!"), as well as funding from the Laptop My Uncle Made. And also by the support of Viewers Like You. Whoever stole... er... purchased the ClockMail totebag has added 28 cents to our budget.

RC: We're on? All right! To the e-mail cave, old chum!

*He sits down at the computer*

It's like that seaweed in your hair when we go swimming over there... yeah, the green really brings out your eyes, baby...

--
Guten Tag Herr Clock,

Tag!  Wie geht's?  Ich bin gut.  Sprechen Sie Deutsch?  Ich gelearnt Deutsch von 3 jahre ins High School.

What is your personal clock brand preference?  For me, I'm a Timex man.

Auf Wiedersehen, Bis bald, und Tschuess!

~potthole
--

Oh, great. First the backwards mail, and now this. Someday the only people who will be able to read ClockMails will be, like... space aliens. With bad eyesight. Wetten das, Hole-y man? And did you just tell me to be bald and sneeze? I'll have plenty of time for that when I'm old and immobile, methinks.

And you're asking what kind of clock I prefer? That's like asking me which of my thumbs I love the best. I refuse to decide! But if you must know, on my 16th birthday my obscure uncle gave me a shiny new Chronolex 4800 TixTox with pulsating chromium dial, real zircon casing, and hyperatomic split-second accuracy. That thing could crank out at least 60 minutes every hour, guarenteed. Of course, I was a reckless kid, so it eventually wound down. It would have fetched a pretty penny from any dealer or collector if I kept in mint condition, but you're only young once. Ah, where did those days go?

So I guess this answers your question. The coherent one, at least. Well, at least this gives me a chance to showcase my new Trendy Delete Noise. No e-mail thread should be without one! Mach schnell!

*ka-floosh-shush*

Get it? It sounds like a toilet? Cause I resemble a Poopsmith and all? Uh... next e-mail, please. I betcha this one's in, like, Esperanto or something.

--
Clocky McClockerson,
How'd you and Chocolate Metal meet up?
The Killer B's
--

Whoa ho ho ho ho hooooo! Gettin' all personal-like on me now, are ya? But I do suppose that my life should be an open book for all and sundry. Especially sundry. She's nice. And I am a big fan of you guys after all. You're from back when Saturday Night Live was... what's that thing called... you know... funny.

So, how did I meet the light of my life? Well, I remember it like it was last April. Which it was, I guess. It was like... something out of... Grease! Yeah, that's the ticket!

*"Grease is the Word" starts playing on the soundtrack*

Yeah, it was just like Grease, because it involved hot rods, leather, and... uh... John Travolta... okay, it was nothing like Grease. Forget I said that.

*The music stops with the sound of a needle being torn off a record*

What's say I just give it to you straight? Sound good? Okay! Here we go!

*We see RClock heading down an isolated road to a massive building. The building's plaque reads "HERE BE BHZ". He's holding a portfolio under his arm.*

RC: SumnerSam said this was the address... hmm... I've never been to a forum that isn't eggshell blue before...

*He steps up to the front door. A security camera pops out of the wall*

Robot Voice: Neena tuta Jabba da Hutt?

RC: What?

Robot Voice: Oh, sorry. I mean, welcome guest. Kindly register to enter.

RC: Aw, man. Oh, well, fine.

*He registers. The door opens with the sound of an airlock being open. Which doesn't make sense, but never mind. RClock walks down a dark hallway lit by security lights, heading towards large double doors*

RC (v.o.): It was scary and exciting at the same. I had no idea what to expect from this place, and the last thing I expected was to fall in love.

RC: Whoa! I'm gonna fall in love? Sweet!

RC (v.o.): Shut up and keep walking. I approached the doors and pushed them open, stepping inside. My entrance wasn't met with much fanfare...

RC: Hi everybody! What's shakin'?

*We pull back to see nobody was listening, on account of a boisterous party in the main hall*

RC (v.o.): Likely because I showed up right in the middle of Fhqwhgads' going-away party.

*It's a massive mingling of practically everybody from the forum. They're lifting Fhqwhgads on a chair. "Hava Nagila" is blasting in the background for some insane reason. RClock awkwardly makes his way through the crowd, nearly getting bowled over by members with flowers, catered goods and Flash thingys.*

RC: Oh, hi! Um, whoops. 'Scuze me, there. Nice place you guys got... whoa! Sorry! Under new management, I see...

RC (v.o.): Back then, there was no Thnikkaman board. If you were new, you had to do things the hard way.

*RClock awkwardly finds a seat and sits down in the totally wrong section.*

RC: Um, hi. I'm new and I write stuff.

*Nobody notices*

RC (v.o.): It was right about then that I saw... her.

*RClock looks up in awe and sees... Tape-Leg.*

TL: What are you lookin' at?

RC (v.o.): No, you idiot! Look behind him! Behind him!

RC: Okay, okay. What's with... whoa!

*CM floats about in all her fluffy glory. The choir from the Southwark Cathedral sings something Gregorian*

RC (v.o.): A vision in pink. Or... yellow... it doesn't matter. I figured I had to be dreaming, so I asked the fellow next to me to pinch me.

*RClock whispers to the person sitting next to him, who happens to be Depressio. Depressio slowly backs away with a disturbed look on his face.*

RC (looking downwards): Ah, like she'd ever be interested in...

CM (right in front of him): Hi there!

RC (jumping up): DAHHHH!

CM: Whoa, whoa! Take it easy! I don't bite. Usually.

RC: (pant, pant) Oh, uh, sorry. You just startled me pretty girl... I mean, pretty good back there.

CM: Hey, it's alright. Um, I've read your stuff and I really like it!

RC: You have?

CM: Yep.

RC: Whoa. Cool. Small world after all, isn't it? I just came to thank these kind people for pink... uh, linking my site to theirs.

CM: So, think you might stick around?

RC: Oh, I love y... I mean, I'd love to. Seems very nice around here. Yeah. Nice... facilities.

CM: Great! (she holds out a paw) ChocolateMetal.

RC (dazed): Uh... yeah, I'm very sure it is...

CM (whispering): That's my name.

RC (shaking her hand a little too rapidly): Oh, right! I mean of course it is! Yeah.

CM (smiling): Nice to meet you in person, RClock!

RC: Why, uh... yeah. It sure is.

CM: Well, see you around!

RC: Yeah, I'll definitely see you around...

*She floats away*

RC (v.o.): I think I handled it quite well.

*RClock faints*

TC: Hey, are you one of the caterers? This lettuce is criminally wilted!

RC (v.o.): So, yeah. That was the infamous first contact. It was definitely a first for me.

*We see RClock talking on a telephone*

RC: And guess what? I held a conversation with a female without her using me as a coatrack!

Voice: Oh, sure. And I just got back from a trip to Jupiter.

RC: Really? Cool! Did you buy any postcards?

*Back to the computer*

RC: After that we became the best of friends, and things just progressed from there. There's a certain bond that develops between two people such as us. I'd show you some more footage, but it mostly consists of us eating ice cream and stuff while songs by the Turtles and Herman's Hermits play in the background. I'm sure you can fill in the blanks on your own.

So, I guess that's all there is to it. Heh heh. I really hope you don't use this information to steal her away from... OH NO! What have I done?!

*BACKSPACE x 1000*

Better make a few changes here:

Well, Mr. B, I'm not gonna tell you. Get your own girlfriend! HA!

Ah, that's better. Whew. Dodged a bullet on that one. Anyhoo, I need to go pick my sweetie up from Choctoberfest. Maybe she picked out a chocolate caribou for me like last year! The antlers are still the best part!

*He runs off, as the Monkees' "I'm a Believer" plays on the soundtrack*

THE END

[ChocolateMetal]

OK guys, here's how it REALLY went down:

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
by
CHOCOLATEMETAL

CM: Wow! That H*R compendium was beyond impressive! I'd love to meet whoever wrote that...

(doorbell rings)

CM: I'll get it!

(It's RClock. Who else?)

RC: (deep booming voice) Greetings, citizens of the BHZ! I am RClock, who hath penned the unsurpassable H*R Compendium, and hath been informed of this forum honoring said writing!

CM: Oh, uhh...hi, um, sir! I'm ChocolateMetal! Uh, welcome to the forum! I, well, I read your shadingy and I liked it so much I faved it! (thinking) Man, that sounded stupid...

RC: I thank thee for thy kind words, O daughter of the mortals. Perhaps thou wouldst care to read some of mine other writings?

CM: I'd love to! Wait..."Paint Too Proud to Beg"? You're Rabid Wookiee Yankovich from fanfiction.net! Over there, I'm seahorse17!

RC: Is this true? I have read thine works and found them quite impressive!

CM: (blushing) Aw, go on!

And the rest, as they say, is history. Eventually he dropped the whole "thees" and "thous" act and just was himself. And you know what? I liked him a whole lot more that way. 

[The Chort]

Very nice there Clockster. I'm impressed with your lady-type know-how. Your story was better than any of my attempts to find a girl, believe you me!

Keep up the great work!

[potthole]

Woah, you used my e-mail, cool!  I really liked it... it was very funny!

I will be honest, the second e-mail you answered, sort of hurt a bit.  My girlfriend of the past 13 months just broke up with me, so reading that second e-mail sort of brought back some memories that are a little painful to think about at the moment... but what you wrote was still really good and entertaining, albeit slightly painful for me. 

But hey, that doesn't detract from the great writing skills you've got, or the awesomeness of this e-mail thread... and I know that I'll still be back here reading all the newest e-mails!

[skinny_blonde_girl]

Awwww...Well anyways, that was a great email! They keep getting better and better, its outta control!