It's Flash mails! Biggest Bruiser, Pt. 1

[Flash_Powah]

ULTIMATE EDIT TIMES SWIFFER DUSTER: NEW CHARACTERS SOON-TO-BE INTRODUCED!

Characters:
Me: "F_P"Flash Like Icon thing with small round spheres for hands. Hyper, Nerdy, sarcastic.  Acts like Strong Bad.

Skinny Blonde Girl: Likes to eat hug fluffy animals. Will from now one be refurred to as SBG. Too confusing. 

COMPY-CTX: My slightly evil computer, determined on geting on my nerves.

We start off at my crud covered desk.  An art statue poses under a silver lamp, while a broken printer sits to the right.  A large calendar  covered with demented doodles and sketches sits under a stack of school papers, and a U-C logic pad covers some of the clutter.  We see FP fumbling under her desk.   

FP: Where the heck is that UC Pen?  I wish it didn't look so much like a normal pen...

She gets up, slamming her head on the edge of the desk.  The lamp rattles loudly. 

FP: Crap!

Looking around, she sees an unfamilliar figure sitting in her chair.

FP: Bah! (jumping back) Who in Biscut Gravies are you?

Figure: I will eat your soul! You have disturbed the great spirits of the-

The figure trips over a cord on the floor.

Figure: EEK!

FP: Oh. Skinny_Blonde_Girl. It's just you. You had me going with that "Figure" Alias.

SBG: Mmmfh. Hrry Rrr mmfh Srfthing Nnmm MMMLe Errfce?

Fp: Well, an E-mail service sounds kind-of..well I don't know... Un-original.

SBG: CMMNNN, TTl'L BBBFF UUMMNN!

FP: Typing all day doesn't seem "FUN" to me.

SBG Looks up.

SBG: Why not? Everyone has one!

FP: You dont have one!

SBG: Actually..

Having her excuse foiled, FP Resorts to 5 minutes of pondering.
And 10 minutes of eating slim jims.

FP: (Returning) Okay! I've made my decision!

SBG looks up from Playing with one of FP's "Dancing Hamsters".

SBG: Well?

FP: I'll do it! I mean, my grade performance in school will slowly decrease, and I'll develop a new form of carpel tunnel at the same time! Death  sure sounds great!

SBG: Yeah!

FP: Yeah!

Eh! Steve: Motel Coffee shope Brue!

Grim Reaper: Yeah!

FP Sits at the computer.  Turning it on, it makes a dramtic "start-up noise" .

SBG: Oooh.

Suddenly, the system abruptly stops. 

FP: What the-

Deep Voice: Hold on there, crackpots.
 
The two look around the room. A deformed voice is heard from the monitor. 

COMPY-CTX:I've been through some crazy crud before, but my dearest companions; OF ALL THINGS, Why an E-mail service? Are you trying to kill me?

FB:(murmering)yes.

SBG: Why no- we're just having some fun!

COMPY-CTX: Okay, okay. But NO CORNY PUNCHLINES. Got that?

There's a mixed reply.
The compy finishes the startup. 

FP types in t3h secre7 passw0rd. 

SBG: ooh. Secure. 

As soon at the main screen loads, FP's Computer is filled with IM boxes.


Mahadeo771: Hi!
EZILYconfuzed66: Moo! uh, Buh!
tape to the leg: who the heck are you? -__-;
Pimptress6306: lol hey nicole wats up

COMPY-CTX: AH! IT BURNS!! MAKE IT STOP!

FP closes AIM.

FP: Now let's see... hey, what should these mails be called?

SBG: How about, Stupid mails!
COMPY-CTX: Loser mails!
SBG: Bunny mails!
COMPY-CTX: too much Spare time mails!
SBG: Fart mails!

FP: I think all those are taken.  I got it!

SBG: Really?
COMPY-CTX: It's a Miracle!

FP: How about Flash Mails?

SBG: That's retarded. Why would they be called that? Do they give us Seizures?

COMPY-CTX: Will there be hot mother boards? 

FP: Hence, the name, peoples.

Both: Ooooh.

FP: Well, I better get friggin started.  Send Me a PM with your mail and..

COMPY-CTX: REBOOTED!
*screen goes black*

[skinny_blonde_girl]

Awesome! Sorry I didn't comment sooner. These are really original and, above all, really good! I can't wait for your first official email, uh, answering thing!

[Flash_Powah]

Flash Mail #1- "Pow-ah"

We see FP drooling all over her homework paper,  as usual. CTX has his screensaver on. Suddenly, a message pops up the computer screen. 

CTX:Well what do ya' know.   The stoopid has mail already. 

FP Twitches.

CTX: Oi, you retard, wake up!

FP: Creamed Potatoes...Pass the Rubber Bands Please...

CTX: Hmph. Figures.

The CTX switches his screensavers to "Fake Blue screen"

CTX: Warning! All Files in the C//: Drive have been Deleted.  All Programs are lost. 

FP: (Jerks awake) HOLY CRAP!

CTX:  (turning off screan saver) Whoops, False alarm.

FP: Pull another one like that, and you'll have to conversate with Mr. Chainsaw.  What do you want?

CTX: Looks like you have an E-Mail. Constentabulations, Elizagerth. 

FP: (Large eyes) REALLY?

Flash_Powah Begins to Click and type insanley. 

CTX: Ow, hew watch my-OW! You almost broke my QWERTYUIOP!

Dear FP,

Why is the "Powah" in your name spelt with "ah" instead of "er"? Is there some ka-razy stroy behind it?

-DaBurn


CTX: That's an easy one. She can't spell worth sh-

FP Lifts up a Large Chainsaw from under the desk.

CTX: 

FP: Well, the One-Who-Burns, It all started a while back....

The screen begins to get all cloudy..

CTX: Don't tell me your starting a cheezy flashback.  Can't you spare us of the "clouds" and Swerves? 

FP: What? You get to have a cool echo-ey voice like...this this this

We are now in the flashback. 

Narrator FP: Well, me, SBG, and CTX were bored, in the, uh..normal bored situation. This was back when I used to be called "Flash_Power" ...

Flashback FP: Wow, we sure are bored.

Flashback SBG: Very bored.

Flashback CTX:Computers dont get bored, but in this case, I'll make an excepton. 

NFP: Suddenly, I got a brilliant Idea.

FFP: Hey Guys, let's go to the 10th dimension!

FSBG: Sounds cool!

FCTX: Wait one friggin' minute.  How will you travel to another freaking Dimension? You dont have an inter dimentional hyperspace-enabling rocketship! (with HP pentium4 processor)

FFP: Crap! He's right! Hey wait..

The Flashback Flash Powah held up a cardboard large box.

FFP: We can use this!

FSBG: It's Perfect!

FCTX: I'm surrounded by idiots...what will all the other monitors say about me..

Narrarator FP: So, we all packed in the marvelous giant Box. 

FFP: How do you start this thing?

FCTX: You can't start it! It's a freaking CARDBOARD BOX!

FSBG: Try pushing that flap down there. 

FCTX: IDIOTS!  THERE'S NO WAY START A FREAKING CARD BOARD-

Suddenly, there was a shift of movment from outside the box.  The sound of a crash throught the ceiling was heard, and the 3 were propelled into space. 

FCTX(finishing): -Box....

FFP: Looks like watching those kid shows really comes in handy! Boxes really do make good spaceships!

NFP: Our box Swiftly Made it to "Trans-Port 20xV6". 

FCTX: Ugh...I hope the Lord doesn't EVER put your hide in a car.  You can barely drive a box..

StinkoMan stands behind the counter of the Port entrance.

StinkoMan: Do you guys need (dramatic pose) help?

FFP: Hey, do you work here?

StinkoMan: I'm really here for the ladies, and so I can, (poses again) share my good looks! Ha ha ha ha ha!

FFP: So, you don't work her-

Stinkoman: (interrupts) You guys don't look like you're from around here, so I, (poses again) STINKOMAN, will, (poses yet again) HELP!

FCTX: Great...

FSBG: You guys smell bacon?

NFP: After a qute disturbing encounter with Stinkoman, he showed us the entire building for no reason.   After almost an hour of wasted time, we finally started to crack.

Stinkoman: And THIS is the 20xV6 corridor, and THIS is the 20xV6 Stairs, and 20XV6! 20XV6! 20XV6!

FCTX: I hope he has an off button. 

FSBG: (munching on Bacon Bowl Chalupa) Anyone want some?

FFP: (outraged) LOOK! STINKOMAN, FOR THE 12th TIME, WE NEED TO GET TO THE PORT!

Stinkoman: Why? I'm not done with the (poses) Tour!

FCTX: Perhaps I can communicate with the creature. 

FFP: Give it your best shot.

NFFP: The CTX had a long conversation with Stinko.  They used some strange language...

FCTX: LOLS! AFT3R TH@T i PWND HM!!111

Stinkoman: OMG Lyke RE@11y??/  Tahts S0 coul!!! LOLS!!!!11

FFP: so, has he agreed to take us to the port, CTX?

FCTX: That's "Flashback CTX" to you. Yes, he has agreed to help us. 

Stinkoman: F011ews M3h!

(The flashback is interrupted by CTX)

CTX: Are we almost done? I have a date with a "Lappy486" tonight.

FP: Just a little longer. We still have to get to the 10th dimension. 

CTX: Well hurry up! I swear, this Lappy could be the one!!11

(Flashback continues)

Flashback Stinkoman, Flash Power, Skinny_blonde_girl, and CTX are standing at the edge of the port, a large box with a humming engine attatched to it hovered below them. 

Stinkoman: We latched on a Hyperdrive set for dimension 10. 

All: Thanks!

FFP: before we go, Stinkoman, what happened to all the other Trans-Port station operators?

Stinkoman: Not sure.  They all said they were going on a "Vacation from me".  They went to dimension 10, and they haven't been back ever since. 

FCTX: Gulp. I think I lost some of my disk space.

FSBG: Let's hurry it up, this e-mail's getting long. 

NFP: I'd like to tell you about our horrible, painful, un-easy journey through the gates of Dimension 10, but instead, I'll skip the details. 

FFP: We made it to Dimension 10!

FCTX: (Looking down) Are you guys seeing what I'm seeing?

FSBG: Holy Crack Crackers! It's...

FFP: it's..

FCTX: CUBELAND!

FCTX hops up and down excitedly. The box/ship knocks upsidedown, and skids onto the hard, metal ground.

Everyone: AAAAAAH!

The Box crashes into a large gate.  A humongous estate made out of hardrives and sugarcubes stands behind the barred doors.

FSBG: Woh..there's cubes all over the place!   

A large square man steps towards them.  His beady eyes and large eyebrows stare at them as if scanning their very shape. 

Stong Mad: ONLY ONE IS SQUARE! TAKE THE 2 AWAY!

NFP: The gaurds grabbed me and SBG. CTX looked very happy, but we knew he had a plan. 

FCTX: Now to go have some RE@L fun!11(hops away)

NFP: We were thrown into a large hole.  Within the ground was a cold, underground cell. 

FFP: Those guards sure aren't kidding..(looks at cell paralell to theirs)

FSBG: The Trans-Port operators?

Sure enough, there was Homestar Hitter, PokeHomsar,Ivan, and Eh! Steve.

FFP: Eh! Steve? What are you doing here?

Ivan: Long story, even longer than this one. 

FSBG: I see. So, I'm guessing you all are here because you aren't square enough...wait, Eh! Steve's Square!

HH: on the contrary; he's more of a trapazoid...

PHS: No, I think he's more of a rectangle...

NFP: While the Operators argue, we tried to think up a plan.

FFP: We needs a plan..

FSBG: A good one..

Something catches her eye. 

FSBG: Hey, look! A hardrive computer chip!

FFP: (Nerdy voice) Still seems operational. Look, circit B is...

Suddenly, FSBG smacks the chip into FP's face.  It lands in her mouth, and she swallows by accident. 

FFP: Oweeert! (twitches) What was that for? Now I have a computer chip in my stomach!

 FSBG: Actually, it's in your brain now. Your windpipe pushed the large object away from the throat, and now, it's lodged in your brain. 

FFP: that's ridiculous! There's no way-

FSBG gives a light tap on FP's forehead.  She stops talking. 

FP: E=MCsubdividenD//:HARDNOXhe4868/97&78/x-lol(8-(-34)]-o+H2o 111 BF/==--errorrr

The operators stop arguing. 

Suddenly, Flash Power Smashes through the cell. Turning to the Operator's cell, she shoots the lock hinges with random lazer beams shooting from her eyes.  With out a scratch on her, she runs through the stone wall without saying a word. 

Ivan: Uuuh...did I just see...did she..um..what?

HHH: Don't hurt yourself. Let's just get out of here. 

Everyone scrambles to their feet, and run though the lovley logo-shaped series of holes FP left for them. 

(Flashback is interrupted again)
CTX: This story is getting weirder and weirder. 

FP: So? What do you want me to do? *holds up script* I can't just cut out the fight scene!
CTX: I can!


BALEETED

FP: My fight scene....ToT omgnoes!1

CTX: Get over yourself.

(flashback continues)

Gaurds lie all over the place. Some seem to have been burned, some seem to have been smashed.  All we can see is a twitching, Glaring Flash_Power standing in the middle of all the rubble. 

The crew comes up from the tunnel. 

FSBG: Holy Fish paste! She kicked the Guards' tooshies!

Ivan: Remind me to NEVER piss her off. 

Eh!Steve: evetS!hE   

FCTX is cowarding from behing a beated up guard.

HHH: This is all speshul and everything, but how the heck are we going to get home?

Ivan: Yeah, the Box is Broke'd. 

FFP suddenly grabs FCTX.  She Piles all the others on her back. 

FFP: Toffee TEA!

FFP Jumps up with great force, as if some inhuman biogenetic mutant or something. She propells everyone into space, and they all sail safley home.

Back at earth:

FSBG: Glad to see you're not acting strangley random anymore, Flash_Power.

FFP:  Yeah, I tried melting my Brothah' with the lazah' beams. They didn't work. 

FSBG: Hey, why aren't you saying "broth-er" right?

FFP: I did say it right!  "broth-ah'" . See?

FSBG: Slowly.." Broooth-eeeer."

FFP: "Broooth-aaaah'. "

FSBG: No use. Looks like that chip destroyed your ability to say "ER" correctly.  We could try the "listen to recording" technique..

FFP: Too risky.  I'm going to have to change my name to...Flash Powah. 

OMG TEH END!

(Flashback is finally over)

CTX: Thank th Pie gods.

FP: So, -Da_BuRNiNAToR- that's your ka-razy (and long) story.  I hope you can join me next time for-

CTX: Hey, have you seen the motor oil? I need it for tonight....

FP: Uh, Bye.

[daBurninator]

Wow, that was a ka-razy (and long) story. And it was awesome. Great job, FP.

I like how your computer is an actual character. I'm not even gonna try to pick out a favortie part, because I don't think I could. The whole thing was great.

[skinny_blonde_girl]

Ack, sorry it took me so long to comment, again. That was freakin' awesome! I mean, really, that was awesome. Awesomer than anything I could ever come up with. As DB said, the computer being an active role is great. I can tell these are going to be a runaway hit!

[Shapepressio]

Yeah, I like it too.Me, PH, and SBG werre cameos!YAY!

[PokéHomsar]

Man, was that good!  And creative!  It was long, but it was worth it!  I give it a first e-mail/10!

EDIT:  Can I be in your e-mail thread?

[Darkest_Raven]

Awesome! I can definetly tell that you are an excellent writer. Can't wait for more EEEEeeeeemail!!!

[Flash_Powah]

Ooh-The next e-mail will be coming out in a couple of days..due to being grounded from flash. (a movie I was working on corresponds to the e-mail) 

[Flash_Powah]

Flash Mails is back! With some more crud an' characters and stuff.  Here's "Biggest Bruiser, Pt. 1"!

It’s a hot, humid, so-called Indian summer’s day, and Flash_Powah is lounging on the couch, quickly devouring chocolates.  She’s been sitting there for 3 days, and at the same time, has also gained 358 pounds. 

F_P(Munching): Num Num Num.. I crave entertainment. 

Flash_Powah reaches for the remote, but her stubbly arms won’t move more than two inches. 

F_P: Crud! There was a new episode of “Days of our Nuclear Warheads” on tonight.  Oh well, another 24 pounds gained. *claps*  SBG! Get me a glass of water!

There is silence.

F_P: What do I have to do to get some service around here?  I spend all day, slaving over a warm sofa, and this is how I am repaid?!

A piece of paper falls from the ceiling, and falls on Flash_Powah’s face.

F_P: Ah! My worst fears have come true! Samurai origami paper warriors have caused an international White-Out! I’m doome- oh wait, it’s a note.

“Dear F_P,
   I’ve gone to someplace, because I’m a big, scaredy whiny-tusked werewolf baby.  The alliance of big, scaredy whiny-tusked werewolf babies (SWTWB) have called me to an annual clan meeting, and I must attend in order to fill-in my constant absences.  I’ve also sold the house’s Personal Bar to a very lovely fellow, who will be crashing through the wall in about 2 seconds. 
- with haste,
    SBG.
PS: Remember the puppy I got at the pound 3 days ago?  Have you seen him anywhere? I remember he was sleeping on the couch.”

F_P:  So my butt wasn’t yelping after all?   Aww.  I wanted a yelping bottom. …Wait, 2 SECONDS?!

There entire house begins to tremble, and the ceiling suddenly explodes and crumbles to the ground.  Debris and concrete fall all over the room, smacking and breaking any electronic or furniture in it’s path.  The pieces that are too small literally bounce off of F_P’s rubbery beer belly.

F_P:  Haha! It’ll take more than that to squish me!

A 33 ton piece of drywall falls out of the sky and squishes Flash_Powah, who is instantly knocked unconscious.

[daBurninator]

Oooh...Nice start, FP.

A 33 ton piece of drywall falls out of the sky and squishes Flash_Powah, who is instantly knocked unconscious.

Out of the sky? Whoa, that's pretty crazy.

[Faded]

Great to see these back. *sits and waits*