Homestar Invents the Spatula

[Gorblax]

A Report on an Extremely Stupid Event

By Professor Tor Coolguy

It was a dark and smarmy night. Homestar had been in his basement for the past onemonth. At least, that was what he called "The Foldings Of Pom Pom's Rubbery Exterior." There had been odd explosions coming from my blubbery, bouncy.... bacquaintance... for a while, and I merely dismissed it with the rationalization that Homestar was giving him bad gas. While Pom Pom was a-snoozin' in his "Da Fonz" pajamas, Homestar jumped out, much to Pom Pom's surprise, annoyance, and relief. Pommy was reported to have fallen back asleep as Baldylocks ran home, stupid grin and all. "This is my gweatest invention yet!" exclaimed Homeslice once he returned to the security of the madhouse he calls his home. "I'm gonna to show it to evewyone else tomowwow mowning befowe I mawket it, so evewyone has the chance to steal my idea. It's bwilliant!" Homestar put his latest contraption of dumbness on his night table, did a jumble, and promptly fell asleep.

("Dumbness? Is that even a word?" "I'll Dumbness you!" "Okay, okay, I was just getting my Care Bear Coffee Mug! I need it to paint my Piccasso-esques." "Yeah, yeah, good luck with that... endeavor. Stupid Stupid. Why can't he move out? I never invited him! Then again, he does pay 'da bills... oh, crap, I lost my train of thought. 'Till tomorrow young'ns, when I continue this tale of misery and woe. The one about Homestar, not He Who Must Not Be Swirlied. And by "not," I mean "not not.")

[Gorblax]

Buttkis awoke the next morining excitedly around 8:47 and 26 seconds-ish, running excitedly to Marzipan's home, excitedly carrying his invention, sans arms. Excitedly. "Nice to meetcha, Bwoomikens! Have I got a household appliance fow you!" Homestar exclaimed. Marzipan walked (or rather, glided) out of the kitchen, where she was preparing a gooey Angel Devil Food Gloppa Gelatin Cake Pie Surprise. Little did she know that a mere 4 hours later, it would be pilfered by a dashing masked man and shoved down the trousers of a certain whiny little brother. Homestar presented his creation with pride. "You could use it to flip stuff ovew! You know, seeing as you don't have any awms. I call it... the Dweam Supweme!" If Marzipan could cover her head in shame for associating with such an idiot, she would. "Homestar, that's a spatula. You gave me one for Boxing Day." Homestar, hearing such a blasphemous statement delivered to the impossible whole in time and space he calls his mind, turned sour. "Beans, Mawzipan! Beans! You just don't appweciate my... awtistic flaiw..." Homestar forgot his rage, his short attention span kicking in. I think it was downsized to make room for that gigantic jaw. "So, how many can I put you down fow? 5? 6? A-negative 20?" "Um... how about zero?" "That's good too! That'll be... 3 coupons!" Marzipan sighed, fished through her pockets, and presented Homestar with 3 "20% More!" coupons to be redeemed at Bubs's concession stand. "Awesome possum! My fiwst sale! I bettew head to Bubs's to wedeem these liddle powkews! And I could mawket my fine pwoduct while I'm thew..." Homestar ran off to my ex-employer without a second thought.

Speaking of which, I have a job interview to be Coach Z's new towel person. If the creepiness factor is below 7, I may consider. This may take a while, so I'll continue this tale tomorrow. Stay dumpy!

[Gorblax]

Homestar ran to Bubs's consession stand, tripped on a rock, and continued hopping to his destination. Bubs was crouching behind the counter, whispering to his Cellular Phone. "Okay, okay, I'll get you the stuff by Tuesday. Just make sure you got the mon- Oh, hey, Homestar! Here to buy somp'n? (I'll call ya back. *CLICK!*)" "Suwe am, Woundywed, with my new coupons, couwtesy of Mawzipan. I'll take a Cwap Box Aught Five, and then we can discuss... business..." Bubs gave Homestar a cardboard box full of '05 crap. He looked both ways, and rather than crossing the street, mumbled to Homestar in a hushed voice, "Well, that's diffr'nt. You workin' for Numba 32 Fo'?" "What?" "Nothing." Bubs quickly hid an overweight parrot he was about to hand our Underbite Man. "Anyways," Homestar continued, "I have a pwoduct you can use for... vawious situations." "Hmm... various? Sounds like a lot. Let me see about... 20 of 'em." Homestar, using his incredible psychic abilities, handed Bubs 20 "Dream Supremes" without using his nonexistant arms. Bubs stuffed them in a back shelf. "Can I have my stuff back now?" Homestar asked. "What stuff?" Bubs replied. Homestar stared blankly at Bubs for a while. "You win this wound. Hmph." Homestar picked up his remaining kitchen appliances and headed to the King of Town's castle. Bubs put up a sign reading, "NEW!! Grade 'A-' Spatulas! Only Four and Twenty Bucks a Pop!" and hit "Redial" on his cell phone.

Well, I gotta check my E-Mail. I haven't bothered opening it in the past 4 minutes, so this could take a while. I shall continue this extremely short chaptered epic in 24 hours or less. If not, wait longer.

[ChocolateMetal]

This is really good! Don't know why no one's replied yet. Love your writing style.

[Inf]

"Beans, Mawzipan! Beans! You just don't appweciate my... awtistic flaiw..." thought.

I like you writing style too.  For some reason, this made me laugh, and let me tell you, I can read just about anything and not laugh.  You wrote that so well, that I could picture it as a flash toon perfectly and hear Homestar saying "Beans!" pewfectly.  Did he actually ever say that in a toon?

[Gorblax]

(Not to my knowledge, I.J. I just thought it sounded very Homestarry.)

Ahem. Fairly sorry I haven't written the last chapter in the past three days. I was on a... business trip to... um... Acapulco with 37 of my hottest skinny blonde supermodel girlfriends who are way hotter than yours. Yeah. Anyway, back to bweez-nass.

"More syrup! You can't have a Pancake Planet without syrup!" the King of Town shouted. Just as the Poopsmith was about to fill the Arctic ocean on his giant model of the planet earth made entirely out of various... varieties of pancakes for his Royal Crapness, Homestar barged in through the front door, carrying several cases of his latest creation. "How go the days, KoT?" Homestar asked. "Quite nicely, thank you." The King of Clown giggled liked a 6 years old schoolgirl. "No pun intended, of course." The Poopsmith sighed. If he hadn't taken a vow of silence, he would probably say something along the lines of, "You freakin' moron. As you have failed to learn over the past 16 days, just because you say 'no pun intended' doesn't mean you made a pun. You were never, are not, and will never be funny. Geez." He would probably say "no pun intended" in a mocking, whiny girly voice. Instead, he moved onto the Rocky Mountains on the Pancake Planet. Homestar ignored the King of Town's last comment, one of the smartest things he'll probably ever do. "I'm going doow to doow to waise money to buy back my Sega tapes fwom Stwong Bad. Can I intwest you in a Dweam Supweme?" "Sounds delicious! Is it a new type of superchocolate?" the King of Town asked quite predictably. "No, you mostly use it to flip stuff ovew. You can also use it as a pet wock. But a spatula instead of a wock. I mean a Dweam Supweme. Instead of a wock." "Why buy your crazy contraptions when I can flip my flippable food over with yon Poopsmith's shovel?" Homestar turned green for a minute, realizing what the King of Dorksylvania just said. "Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. ...Ew. Gag me with a spoon." "And waste a perfectly good spoon? Not on your life, buster." "Um... did you just call me Bustew?" "No pun intended." Not even Homestar could take much more of this, and ran to Coach Z's locker room to coninue pushing his product. The King of Town would die of food poisoning 23 years later, or so my dial-a-psychic has told me. But I digress.

That reminds me. I need to rehide those Sega tapes again. The Cheat keeps a-knockin' on my Genesis. Get your own hedgehog... Hedgehog! Oh yeah. I went there.

NOTE: Due to the end of my winter break, Chapter "Z" will not be up 'til Sunday. I have a life too, y'know. I gotta do stuff, like glue things to other things. Go find some other fanfic to hang around. Losers.

[Gorblax]

Homestar, after weeks of travelling, mostly due to the fact that he forgot how to use his left leg until a few minutes after he remembered where Coach Z lived, ran up to the locker room. A sign hung upon the doors, which Homestar read in his annoyingly speech impeeded voice: "Sowwy, the lockew woom is closed due to the authow's inability to accuwately powtway Coach Z's pewsonality in a humowous way, despite weeks of tooling and wetooling this chapter. Well, that's satisfyingly specific. And fouwth wall bweaking. Wait a minute. How can it be bweaking the fouwth wall... when I'm outside? Hummm..." Homestar sat on a rock and thought. And thought. And thought. He had some sort of epiphany involving the Yello Dello, but just sat back on the rock since that didn't apply to this particular situation. Suddenly, a familiar noise was heard as a freaky albino midget waddled up to Homestar. "Daaaa! I'm in every fanfiction!" "Oh, hey thewe, Homsaw." Homestar said. "Would you pewchance be intewested in puwchasing one of my fine products? I mean pwoducts?" Homestar showed Homsar a case of concentrated idiocy, here on in referred to as his "Box O' Dream Supremes." "Daaa! I'll buy every last one, shopkeep!" Homsar put an unspeakably high amount of cash on the table, took Homestar's Box O' Dream Supremes and waddled off into a nearby bottemless pit. "Bye, Homsaw! Say hi to So and So fow me! Best 50,000 bucks I evew eawned. Now, whew to get these babies patented... Homestar went home, his wallet full, to ponder his newest conundrum. Homsar was found to have obtained the money by using the bottomless pit to somehow go back in time, patenting the Dream Supremes as "spatulas," and making a fortune.

Meanwhile, a few blocks away, the On Point Kings, including myself, were spying on Homestar through my recently acquired Fluffy Puff Syglass, free with 6 proofs of purchase. The Cheat loves them marshmallows. "Hm... those Dream Supremes look like they could make a fourtune if sold to the 'idiot' demographic. You know what we gotsta do boys." "TEA PARTY!!!" Strong Mad smashed a table. "Maybe later," said I. "For now, we've got to patent Homestar's invention before he does. And due to an online search I did a while back, I know just where to get a patent..."

Will I be able to steal Homestar's invention and patent it in time to make big bucks? Will Homestar be able to find a patent office? If so, will it be the same one I pick, resulting in a hilarious IAMMMMW, or more recently, RR style race to get the gold? Stay tuned for partial excitement!

[Panzer Dragoon]

Yeah, why didn't anybody reply to this?  This is gold... or more like silver.  This is funny stuff, man.  Keep it up!

[Shapepressio]

I just started. And finsihed. It stays true to H*R.com, alothough with twists.