BonkMails NEW SHORT

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails #5: Ultimazor

Bonkava: One small step for email, one giant leap for email. Or, something like that. (bonk_mail.exe)
Email:
catonfire_fallingfromanairplane.exe

I'm not gonna tell you what it is, but trust me you got to check it out. I was R.O.T.F. all over the place when I saw that. Anyways, I'm gonna go see what Gunderson thought of it.

Bonkava: This is spam. My mom always told me to never open an attatchment attatched to spam. Oh, well. (click) OK, so what's this? Two guys jumping from an airplane...
Jumper 2: Is that a falling cat on fire?
Cat: Mew.
Bonkava: That was it? That was all it was? THAT was the Rolling On The Floor Laughing attatchment? Oh wait, he just said ROTF. Hmmm... Rotten Overrated Tiny Films. YEAH! That's what that is. Wait, you didn't even sign your name. I'll call you... persononfire_fallingfroma1000000dollarprivatejet.exe.
IFS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! *kaboom*!
Bonkava: Mwahahaha. That'll teach you to use my private jet! He is so gullible. I was like "Put this match in your parachute. Skydive into that brown lake down there." (squeaky voice) "OK, oh supreme ruler!" (/squeaky voice)
IFS (now charred): That's not quite what happened... you put a match in my parachute while we were hovering back home. Then you pushed me out the door and into your pool of gasoline.
Bonkava: What do you know? WHO was the one who built the Ultimazor?
IFS: You are.
Bonkava: And WHO decided to use it against you?
IFS: You did.
Bonkava: And WHO knows how it works?
IFS: Nobody.
Bonkava: I know how it works! See, watch me Ultimaze this email.
(Bonkava holds up lasor sword, which is off.)
Bonkava: ULTIMAZE!
(Lasor sword extends and starts shooting beams)
Bonkava: ULTIMAZE!
(Lasor sword turns to the computer and fires a green beam)
(Computer turns green, including screen, and then comes back as an Ultimate Computer w/ built in spyware/virus blocker that works perfectly-- super fast and never gets slower, even when low on free space)
Bonkava: Cool! Now let's check out that email.
Email:
catonfire_fallingfromanairplane.exe

I'm not gonna tell you what it is, but trust me you got to check it out. I was R.O.T.F. all over the place when I saw that. Anyways, I'm gonna go see what Gunderson thought of it.

Bonkava: What... the... crap...
IFS: I told you that you didn't know how it worked.
Bonkava: Yeah, yeah. So anyway persononfire_fallingfroma1000000dollarprivatejet.exe...
IFS: Ahhhhh! (KABOOM!)
Bonkava: I never get tired of that. Anyway, It was very ROTF, if you know what I mean...

Easter Eggs:
Click on "persononfire_fallingfroma1000000dollarprivatejet.exe" the first time he types it to open up a photoshopped picture of a person on fire falling from a 1000000 dollar private jet.
Click on "ROTF" at the end to see Frostey say "I was only in an easter egg."
Click on the Green Computer to see a sign for Frostey's Green Computers
Click on charred IFS to see a message at the bottom saying "no Icee Fudge Sickle's were harmed in this email. If they were, they would've melted."

[Bonkava!]

Bonkmails #6: Credit Card

Bonkava: That's odd... why am I checking my email again?
Email:
Dear   bonkava 

We regret to inform you your credit card expired. And all that other crap. Look here for further notice.

Sencerely,

John Matt and some other people who aren't scam artists associated with the SUPRIFIED CREDIT UNION

www88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888000.getyourownsuprifiedcreditunioncreditcardaccountorrenewanoldonerighthere.x.gov

Bonkava: Oh! This seems serious! I know just what to do... A little of this (changes bonkava to Mr. Sickle)... and some of this... (changes John Matt and some other people who aren't scam artists associated with the SUPRIFIED CREDIT UNION to Doobigum) (types "fwd")

(5 hours later...)

Bonkava: Hehe... more... emails... today

Email:
Dear Doobigum,
I know who you are. I know where you live. I know exactly what you are doing. Stop it!
IFS

Bonkava: Whoa. Who. Knew. That. Lawsuits. Weren't. Beautiful.
Frostey: Bonkava... you realize that you'll be taken to court again, now, don't you?
Bonkava: So, I'm gonna win.
Frostey: Err... no. You just pulled a 369 email message.
Bonkava: Wasn't it something like... 511?
Frostey: No. 369. Copying of a cartoon to get money.
Bonkava: Oh. Well, this email was short.

Easter Eggs:
At the end, press "1" to hear Homestar say "Dear SPF50, get off my suntan lotion. Your buddy, Homestar."

[MBD123]

Boy! i do this for amusement and just think yours has exactly twice as many emails as mine and mine's been around ever since way before yroc came around! Well i gotta keep sending you to court.

[Bonkava!]

If it makes you feel any better, I'll PM you, and you can stop for now. (1 made up, then 2 Frostey, now 3 MBD123! That's a new record!)

[MBD123]

If it makes you feel any better, I'll PM you, and you can stop for now. (1 made up, then 2 Frostey, now 3 MBD123! That's a new record!)

WOW! Thanks! (3)

[Bonkava!]

Bonkmails #7: Edgaware

Bonkava: Who is sending me emails!!!!!?
Email:
dear bonkava,

You have a severe virus on your computer and theres no way to get it off !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111!!!!!1

-STRONG BAD

Bonkava: You seriously need to download the newest version of Edgarware. It was programmed in his mom's garage! How cool is that! My virus... edgar_ware.exe

Edgar: Beedledeedlebeedee! [robot voice] Hel-lo, Bon-Kave-Uh. Vi-Russ Scan? [/robot voce]
Bonkava: Yeah! Delete, clean, and quarantine!
Edgar: [robot voice] What-i-verr you say! [beep-beep-beep-beep-DOODLEDINGDANGDING!] DCQ com-plete-ED! [/robot voice]
Bonkava: All right! Talk about short emailings... is it just me, or am I getting more spam nowadays... anyways, bye!

No easter eggs.

And MBD123, give other people a chance! This is like... Email 4 in a row!

[MBD123]

i know but its fun! okay i'll give someone else a chance.

[Bonkava!]

#8: Awexome Crap

(screen shows Bonkava at a grocery store)
Bonkava: Do your worst!
Voice: Make me!
Bonkava: Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-YA! (kicks screen)
Voice: You have done well, but I shall return!
Bonkava: I bet you will.
(camera pans out to show he's fighting a bag of spinach with a walkie-talkie on it.)
Voice: Now hurry up and get me my groceries!
Bonkava: What do you need, oh evil one?
Voice: I need... Email
Bonkava: Is this some kind of subliminal message? Telling me I should stop vandalizing this grocery store?
Voice: Let's see, you trashed the fish aisle, broke all the bottles of wine, hacked into the water system so that the fruits and veggies wouldn't get washed, you broke all bread in half and every piece of cheese has a BITE TAKEN OUT OF IT!
Bonkava: I see where this is going. You want the cheese all to yourself.
Voice: Bonkava, it's time for your email show!
Bonkava: No it's not!
Voice: Yes it is! Check your laptop!
Bonkava: OK. "bonk_mail.exe". There no new messages.
Voice: THAT SAYS ONE NEW MESSAGES!
Bonkava: Well, I guess it does. Time to answer the email I guess.
Email:
Dear Mr. Bonkava,

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!?!?


Sincerely,
Mom Jr.

Bonkava: Well, missy, the madness all started when I was three years old... (cuts to flashback) Oh! A toy! Yay! Yum! (pop) Waaaaaaaaah! (cuts back to real world) That was the beginning of my madness. Next, it was when I destroyed Pompei with my super-size volcano toy. Now, I'm mad for one sole purpose. My second childhood. A lot of people have it when they're 40 or 50. That's too old for me. I started having my second childhood when I was just eight years old... (cut to flashback)

(Bonkava is watching TV)
Ash: PIKACHU! I CHOOSE YOU!
Bonkava: YAY!
Blaine: Charizard, flamethrower!
Pikachu: Pi... ka...
Ash: PIKACHU!
Bonkava (in baby voice): noo...
(end flashback)

Bonkava: That is what this madness is all about. Now I'd better get home before the police catch up with me. *zing*!
Shop Owner: Clean up on Aisle 12! Clean up on Aisle 12!
Police: We heard there was trouble concerning some blue haired merman!
Shop Owner: Yeah! He went that away!
(Police get hoverboards and guns and start chasing Bonkava who is on a skateboard)
Bonkava: So everybody... (jumps) email Bonkava... (ducks) and never (jumps) ever (jumps) vandalize a store (ducks).

Easter Eggs:
Click on Policeman 1's gun to see Bonkava say "Vandalizing a shop is a great to get active" and then have IFS pop in and both of them say "LET'S GO!"

Fun Facts:
The easter egg is a parody of a dumb lunchables commercial.
This email was sent in by ACP. YAY!

[S&D Frosté]

Frostey: No. 369. Copying of a cartoon to get money.

Of course, I don't know what a 369 is. Quite good, though!
9.99929993294399459 / 10

[Bonkava!]

Of course, I don't know what a 369 is. Quite good, though!
9.99929993294399459 / 10

I'm glad you think so. In my opinion, Emails 5, 6, and 7 were... lacking...
5 was pretty good. I'm glad you like 6. I only made 7 because I was PMed and I wanted to continue. But Frostey, did you read no 8? That one was funny.

"Walking like you're on the moon is a great way to get active!" "LET'S GO!"

[Bonkava!]

#9:Acceptance Speech

(shows computer. No one is there)
Frostey: Hello. My name is Frostey. Bonkava had another appointment
(screen shows Bonkava bound and gagged in a closet)
Bonkava: Frstey lt me oot!
(screen cuts back to computer room)
Frostey: So I will be filling in for him. Let's see... what command did he enter? Oh yeah... "bonk_nails.exe"...
(nails appear on the computer screen, then the words "BonkNails 2006" appears on the nails)
(table shows menu that says "Operater A B C"
Frostey: How does he check Email with this? Let's look at the help file... Ah, here it is... "to configure BonkNails to check email, open up Operater B and type 'activate_POP3.COM'" Sounds easy enough.
(Frostey closes the help file, clicks on B and types "activate_POP3.COM")
Computer: You have thirteen new messages!
Frostey: Whoa! Thirteen! Let's see... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... that's not new... AHA! A new one. (each time he says "that's not new" he deletes an email)
Email:
Dear bankava,

Congratulations! you graduated from CGNU.
However we failed to buy enough deplomas
and gratuate caps. We'll give you one in the
next few weeks.

Sencerely
- STRONG BAD

PS: That'll be $7.50

Frostey: Well, I know Bonkava did that yesterday... Oh, let's see... AH! A fee for the diplomas and graduation caps. I'm gonna let Bonkava pay THAT while I go and take my performance speech.
(Frostey leaves and you hear a door slam... twice...)
Ran Cossack: hay bonkeva were r u ??? (finds the closet) tere u r! (unties Bonkava)
Bonkava: Thanks, gotta check email. (runs to computer) Let's see-- WAIT! Who opened my BonkNails? I'm the only person who knows how to run it! Oh, no... Frostey!
(screen pans outside and inside CGNU)
Frostey: ...I accept this star, as for only a matter of 100 posts...
Bonkava (distant): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
Frostey: (nervous) One moment please. (runs off to bathroom and paces) Bonkava must somehow've gotten loose. I need to postpone the speech until I get back and tie him up again. But how do I do that? AHA! I got it! I'll call Ran on his cell phone and get HIM to tie Bonkava back up! It's genious! (ring ring ring) Hello? Ran?
Ran: yea its me
Frostey: Could you tie Bonkava up while I finish HIS acceptance speech?
Ran: no i dont think hed lik that. hes prety mad at u now.
Frostey: Did you untie him?
Ran: yea 'cuz a hsotage mus b llt lose.
Frostey: Crap. Tell him that If I get the star, then I will pay the fees.
Ran: u cant do dat u r a hier rank then heis.
Frostey: Awww... OK, put Bonkava on the line.
Bonkava: Hello?
Frostey: This is Frostey. I just wanted to be a five star forumer.
Bonkava: Yeah, well it's a little late for that. How am I gonna pay these fees? Oh, well. I better go make my acceptance speech.
(camera goes to CGNU stadium)
Bonkava: I accept this star, and I would like to give thanks to MBD123, ACPigeon, and everyone else who made this possible. EXCEPT FROSTEY! (mutters) 7.50... who does he think I am?
The End.

Easter Eggs: Click on the third star on Bonkava's CGNU badge at the end to see a short with HomestarOfLight and Flash_Powah.

Flash_Powah: What are we doing in an easter egg of a Bonkmail anyway?
HomestarOfLight: Because I'm shiny, and you're purple.
Flash_Powah: Let me rephrase that. What are two good reasons we are in an easter egg of a Bonkmail.

Fun Facts:
MBD123 sent this one in... I'm glad he gave other people a chance, though.

[S&D Frosté]

But Frostey, did you read no 8? That one was funny.

"Walking like you're on the moon is a great way to get active!" "LET'S GO!"

Oh, I thought that one deserved an 11/10 (incorrect fraction)!
The acceptance speech I liked... but... er... nevermind, I'm indecisive. 8/10. Hehe. I am not very excited aboot becoming a five-star memeber. Oh well.

[Bonkava!]

Thanks, but now my favorite is Acceptance Speech... But I dont' think you'd like that one very much.

[S&D Frosté]

Thanks, but now my favorite is Acceptance Speech... But I dont' think you'd like that one very much.

I didn't, not to be smug. I'm not so excited aboot becoming a 5-starer, anyway. I don't care if he has 173 posts, or if she has 289 posts, or if he-she (hese?) has only 5 posts, and so on. I also don't like killing people, being competitive, or locking people up with not much reason.
I just hope you are not actually mad at me.
Also, I hope you answer my new one. Now, I'll go advertise this email thread.

[Bonkava!]

#10: Factory

Bonkava: This is a disclaimer. No Bonkavas were harmed in the making of the previous email. No Frosteys were meant to be offended. No ACPigeons were involved. (bonk_mail.exe)
Email:
Dear Bonkava,
THIS IS NOT SPAM:
If you would make your own flavour of whatever, what would it be?
-Eben "Frostey", from Massachsizzle

Bonkava: Oh, this is not spam. Well, I know just what to do with this! Not deleted! I'm still mad at you Frostey. But I shall answer your question. My grudge will be over in 15 seconds. Unless you come in to tell me something. Then my grudge end will be postponed. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10... 11... 12... 13... 14... 15...
Frostey: Hey, Bonkava!
Bonkava: You're just lucky my grudge ended. Now let me answer this email from Frostey, Frostey. Anyway... a new flavour of whatever? Probably a new flavor of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. 20 flavors is certainly not every flavor. Anyway, if I worked at the Bertie Bott factory and made my own flavor, it would be... shrimp tail flavor.
(cuts to a factory saying "Bonkava Bott's Every Flavor Massachusizzles")]
Bonkava: Yeah, we need 50 more flavors today. Chop chop.
MBD123: I can't do that! I can't think of 50 new flavors! How many more flavors are there in the world?
Bonkava: (calm voice) 20. (boss voice) NOW KEEP WORKING!
AC_Pigeon: I need to make more animated avatars and banners!
Bonkava: (calm voice) Who (boss voice) CARES!!?
Frostey: I need to make more bilingual cartoons for our foreign fanbase!
Bonkava: (calm voice) Yes. And I'm American. (boss voice) SO KEEP WORKING!
(cuts back to the computer room)
Frostey: You wouldn't really do that, would you?
Bonkava: I might. But that is why I won't become head of a huge company. Now, would you kindly leave while I finish answering this email? Frostey is waiting!
Frostey: (perplexed) OK, Bonkava.
Bonkava: So, Frostey, that is what my new flavor with a u wold with a u be.
The End.

Easter Eggs:
Click on MBD123 when he asks the question to see a math problem saying "20 minus 50 equals NAN"

Fun Facts:
Flavour is the canadian way of spelling flavor. Wold is not the American way of spelling would.
We do eat BBEFB's here. If anybody in a foreign place that they don't eat them, they're good. Even vomit flavored ones. Just not dirt flavored ones.