BonkMails NEW SHORT

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails Short 1: Uh-Oh

(preshow room)

Bonkava: (sleeping) Uh... don't... don't miss... orchestra... orchestra tonight....

Frostey: WAKE UP! (Booming)

Bonkava: (groggily) Why'd you wake me up?

Frostey: You missed the orechestra.

Bonkava: (suddenly wide awake) NO! DON'T TELL ME!! THEY PLAYED IT A DAY EARLY!

Frostey: You've been sleeping for about a week.

Bonkava: I have? (goes to the computer room) Well, at least I can look forward to checking my email.

Email: No New Messages.

Bonkava: Ohhhhh.... CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

: EMPTY INBOX'D!

Bonkava: I need... emails...

The End.

So, you can keep PM'ing me for Bonkmails.

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails New #18: Afterscience

Bonkava: It's been sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... long.

Email:
Subject: Email 16: Experiment
Whoa, I just read this...it might be the greatest thing EVER! I am in your debt...
Signed,
Goombazoid

Bonkava: Oh. Well. *clears throat* I'm glad you liked it. Although I can't really do much with this email except...

Frostey: Ah, to see you at your computer desk again. I thought I'd NEVER see that.

Bonkava: Well, I can't really do much with this email, if you can see.

Frostey: Err... then why are you doing this in the first place?

Bonkava: I need to catch up! Besides, it's not like I KNEW that I would get this email. I'm... I'm gonna go outside.

(Bonkava goes outside)

Press: Is it true that you wrote Experiment?

Bonkava: Errr... yes.

Press: OK! Now can I have a picture with you to put in the paper?

Little Girl: No! I want his autograph!

Little Boy: (pushes little girl) No! Me first!

(Everyone begins talking at the same time and walking toward Bonkava)

Bonkava: No... really... it wasn't me... I lied.

Everyone else: Who was it then?

Bonkava: It was... Frostey!

(Everyone goes inside)

Press: Is it true that you wrote Experiment?

Frostey: Errr... no. That was Bonkava.

(Everyone besides Frostey and Bonkava gasp)

Frostey: What?

Bonkava: Oh... hehe.

Frostey: What did you do?

Bonkava: All I did was _{telleveryonethatyouwroteExperimentandnotme}

Frostey: WHAT????? Why? Don't you WANT to become famous?

Bonkava: Not if it means being trampled by newpaper reporters.

Frostey: Then at least blame GOOMBAZOID!

(everybody besides Bonkava and Frostey turn around and go to Goombazoids house)

Goombazoid: I'm bored. There's nothing to do here... (looks out window) WHAT THE HECK!

(door bursts open)

Press: Is it true that you wrote Experiment?

(everyone tramples on Goombazoid)

(goombazoid pops out of the pile of people to say the last line but gets trampled every elipses)

Goombazoid: So... if you want to... email Bonkava... you can... and he will answer it... but hopefully... you won't end up... like me.

The End.

Fun Facts:
It had been a while since I had a bonkmail, so I used a PM that I thought I couldn't use. It was sitting in my inbox for almost three weeks before this idea struck me.

[Goombazoid]

...Ouch! Thats the third time I've been trampled this week! Anyway I also loved this email even though I was assaulted.
Too many/10

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails #19: Pozzaria

Bonkava: Hehe... I hope this one... is good... unlike the last one.

Email:
Hullo girl.
You think-pozza pie good?
Noyiet: My Enyglish is ralle bad.
Of Bigness, Steven Stefearnogleoniaoniarglesteinenstergioniargle- Fonio of NorthWestSouthChestire, Nonwhere

Bonkava: I am not a girl. And I don't know what pozza pie is. But, I see you're new to Enygieland, but let me tell you one thing: Your Enyglish is MUCH better than your English. And don't you mean "Of greatness"? Of Bigness just is... is...

Frostey: Well, I'm sure Steven Stefearnogleoniaoniarglesteinenstergioniargle lives in a very nice town, even though it's not on the map.

Bonkava: (holds up a map) Enygieland isn't on the map either.

Frostey: Well, Bonkava. he might not even live on Earth. And we've had pozza pie before. Remember, that one time...

(flashback)

Bonkava: Great. It's dinner time, and the restaurant you promised to take me to IS CLOSED FOREVER!

Frostey: Well SOR-REY! Let's go to that one. (points to a restaurant reading Pozzaria) It looks like a pizza place.

(they go inside)

Mario: Mama-mia. Welcome to the Pozzaria. We bake our pies with EXTRA POZZA!

Bonkava: What's pozza?

Mario: It's a hybrid banana-turnip.

Bonkava: That sounds gross.

Mario: MAMAMIA!

(he gives Bonkava and Frostey a pie each)

Bonkava: (hesitates) (chomp) M... MMMM!!!!

Frostey: Mmm-mmm!

Bonkava:Mmmrimomm.... mmmicmmmntmmmmk!

Mario: I know! That's the best part!

Frostey: MFFF! MMMFMMFMFMFM!

Mario: It's great isn't it?

(Bonkava and Frostey have angry looking faces on them)

Mario: It wears off! In a day!

(Icee Fudge Sickle walks in with Ran Cossack)

IFS: We were feeling lonely so... we came back here.

Ran: i no. it wuz borng w/o u. {}

IFS: Oh, and did you see the paper this morning? (holds up paper with headline reading "POZZA PRONOUNCED ILLEGAL!" and the rest of the article went as followed: "Pozza is sticky. So is peanut butter. Why isn't peanut butter outlawed? PEANUTS!" and the rest of the page was filled up with "PEANUTS!")

Bonkava&Frostey: (Now are really angry) (trample on Mario)

(end flashback)

Bonkava: Oh yeah... I liked that pie. So in conclusion, Pozza pie is good. EMAIL ME!

The End.

Easter Eggs:

Wait a while after the end to hear Bonkava say "Haven't been many of these in a while".

Click on Mario getting trampled to see a disclaimer reading "*Do NOT READ AFTERSCIENCE!"

[S&D Frosté]

Very good! 10/10. Good parts:

But, I see you're new to Enygieland, but let me tell you one thing: Your Enyglish is MUCH better than your English.

Mario: Mama-mia. Welcome to the Pozzaria. We bake our pies with EXTRA POZZA!

Bonkava: What's pozza?

Mario: It's a hybrid banana-turnip.

Bonkava: That sounds gross.

"Pozza is sticky. So is peanut butter. Why isn't peanut butter outlawed? PEANUTS!" and the rest of the page was filled up with "PEANUTS!"

Good! Hehe. Typoes are so sausesome. *

*Come on... don't you guys pay attention to the caption for the smilies?

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails #20: Smoke Rings

Bonkava: Hehe... guess it's been a while... since the last email... 4 MONTHS AGO! Anyways...

Email:
Dear Bonkava,

Have you ever disappeared through the smoke rings of your mind?
Do you know what it's like to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free silhouetted by the sea?    I'm not sure.

Bonkava: Oh... smoke rings of my mind, eh?  Well... there was that one time I dissapeared... and then my friends came and all turned into Coach Z. Then I was on a quest to save the Master Sword from Ganondorf using the Princess Zelda... oh wait, that was a dream.

Frostey: Bonkava, I just went down to the beach to dance randomly with one hand waving! And it's reflection was on the sea!

Bonkava: Yeah, yeah. Was it beneath a diamond sky?

(cuts to a sky with diamonds spinning in it for about, 5 seconds, then cuts back to the computer room)

Frostey: Y'know, I'm really not sure.

IFS: Holy gosh, Bonkava! I just watched 5 hours of some guy playing this MMORPG! It's totally awesome!

Bonkava: Oh, yeah, IFS, do you know what happens when you wave your hand underneath the diamond sky while it's reflection, err... sillhouette reflects off the water?

IFS: Yeah! In fact, I made a computer simulator of it!

(On computer screen it says "Icee Fudge Sickle's Diamond Sillhouette Simulator")

Bonkava: IFS, this is just the Legend of Zelda.

IFS: No it's not! I hacked it so moblins and octoroks are PURPLE! Oh, and if you jump in the water five times, smoke rings come out of your head and you disappear.

Bonkava: That's not going to help at all. That'll probably just make the problem worse!

Ran: OMG teh liek wun dae on bech liek diment ski a nd wavy hand suloute.

Bonkava: Really? Can you explain it? In like, English?

Ran: Oh, sure. I can speak English! I just thought you'd like me to be a noob.

Narrator: RETCON! We now go back to the beginning of this email. Or as Strong Bad would say, "DO O--"

Bonkava: OMG! TBC are sueing me AGAIN! I'm going to be rich! Rich! RICH!

(five hours later)

Bonkava: I lost the case.

IFS: But how did you pay them back?

Bonkava: By... selling... you.

IFS: Now we're just referencing Spongebob. In fact, if I can help it, I'll do over again!

(screen flashes white)

Bonkava: Hehe... guess it's been a while... since the last email... 4 MONTHS AGO! Anyways... I doubt this one will be funny. I'm-a go get some juice.

The End!

Easter Eggs:
Click on MONTHS to hear Bonkava say "I waited four freakin' months for a PM and I get THIS!?!"
Click on the "-a" in "I'm-a" to see Bonkava drinking a large juice box that reads, "Treetop juice. Perfect for kids AND mermen."

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails #21: Meringue

(Preshow Room)
Bonkava: Ah. The memories. The umm... disco... dances... The dreams of being a superhero... ah, what the heck. Gonna go check my email.

(Computer Room)

Bonkava: I'm going to ^check my _email^now

Email:
Dear Bonkava

Orange. Yeah, that's right.

Bonkava: Orange. Right. So... do you want me to like... paint myself orange? Because last time I tried that it didn't work out too well.

(cut to IFS and Bonkava and they are both wearing green hats and are painted orange)

Frostey: What are you supposed to be? The clash-man clashies of clashville?

Bonkava: NO! We're pumpkins.

Frostey: Pumpkins. Right. You're sure you aren't just dressed like that to blind people?

IFS: Did you know? One time a sloth jumped off a tall cliff. He died 50 years later.

Bonkava: Icee, sloths just crawl and climb slowly... they fall as fast as any other animal.

IFS: BIRDS DON'T FALL!

Bonkava: Err...

Frostey: Yeah... I commend you all to wash yourself this instant.

Bonkava: This is permanent paint.

Frostey: Permanent? You paint yourself orange PERMANENTLY! I'm going to have to sunbathe you!
Bonkava (simultaneously): Well, at least it will dry/evaporate eventually! It's not like I have to stay orange forever!

(Frostey and Bonkava continue arguing at the exact same time and no one can understand what they're saying.)

(cut to computer room)

Bonkava: I don't think Frostey will forgive me if I have to go through that again.

Ran: OMG teh leik orange!

ACP: Yeah, orange!

IFS: ORANGE! ORANGE! ORANGE! ORANGE!

(everyone starts fever-chanting)

Bonkava: What do I have to do with ORANGE?

(IFS gets that evil grin on his face)

(cut to a kitchen, Bonkava is wearing an apron and a chef hat)

Bonkava: (quietly) IFS, is the roll really necessary?

IFS: I painted it white. It looks like a chef's hat.

Bonkava: This isn't going to work.

IFS: Just ROLL with it. Get it? (IFS starts laughing starting from a chuckle, transforming into a rotfl.

Bonkava: (loudly again) OK, it is time for...

Random People: COOKING WITH BONKAVA!

Bonkava: First take 1,000,000 eggs. ("1,000,000 eggs" appears on the screen) Then, throw 999,999 of them at your neighbor's dog.

Male voice: What did you do to my puppy!

Female voice: (faintly) Our... puppy....

Bonkava: Then take the last one, and drop it into a boiling pot of water. Then leave for 10 years and go on a trip to Hawaii. (Bonkava leaves, "10 years later" appears, and Bonkava comes back) OK, that wasn't ten years, that was 5 seconds, but I already prepared an egg. Now you will see that there is now only one molecule of egg yolk left. Now mix it in with an orange. (an orange appears, and the egg yolk is put inside it. The orange appears unchanged)

IFS: (offscreen) Do you really know how to cook?

Bonkava: I'm just WINGing it. Get it?

IFS: (onscreen, looking confused) No, what do wings have to do with cooking?

Bonkava: You obviously aren't a pro! (turning to the viewer) Now take a precooked cherry pie from your local bakery.

Frostey: Isn't that cheating?

Bonkava: No. It's called FAIR USE!

Frostey: Doesn't that just refer to copyrights?

Bonkava: I don't care. (turning to the viewer once again) Now, insert the orange into the cherry pie (struggle as he might, Bonkava is unable to jam the orange into the tiny hole in the center) I mean, INSERT THE ORANGE! (He jams the orange in as hard as he can, and the camera is smothered with cherry)

IFS: (as the cherry clears you see his big pink tounge) MMMM! That's good cherry.

Bonkava: No licking the camera. Anyway, now we have our very own "Orange Meringue Pie". (He holds it up to camera, and it is just a pie tin with areas of brown or red inside, and an unsliced orange sitting in the middle) Now I can return to my life.

(cut to computer room)

Bonkava: You know what BAD COMMAND OR FILENAME? You're totally right. Orange.

The End.

Easter Egg:
Click on Filename to see GRAPE MERINGUE PIE: Now with more cherry and crust! HALF AS MUCH EGG!

[Bonkava!]

Bonkmails #22: Super Nintendo

Bonkava: Bonka's back in business... in black... not Bonkavlavd.

Email:
Der Bakalava,
I have your game Super Bonk for snes!

                 From Name

Bonkava: German* (*maybe greek i forget) dessert? With an "a"? Bockuhlovvuh? Err.. Bonkavlavd? Eh... snes... sneeze? Super Negative Etiquette Show? Game? For Super Nintendo? Frostey, a little help here?

Frostey: Name just wants a name so he sends you an unproofread email so you can give another name.

Bonkava: OK... How about "Iseizduhmm"? Nah, too much of an understatement.

IFS: Too much of a... HEY!

Bonkava: I need to get clobbered by IFS now. See you LAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!

Frostey: Well, I guess it's time for me to do another one. Well, Albethcamerondan, I remember that game. Quite fondly.
(flashback)

Bonkava: Well, that was easy. What do you want to do now?

IFS: Well, I'm going to go have a rest so in my dreams... er... what was my line?

Bonkava: Let's stop ripping off Bonus Stage now.

(screen comes up that says "Happy Bonus Stage Ripoff Hour" on it)

Bonkava: That was... random.

Frostey: I made a game! Want to play it?

Bonkava: Sure. (bad MIDI version of Minority by Green Day plays) Is that theme supposed to symbolize anything? Any way to start... This is the title screen... Super Bonk??? Not... Jibbersmickland?

Frostey: Who would want to play a game like that?

Bonkava: So... I fly around... this vast universe... killing miniature emails?

Frostey: They are from MBD123! 

Bonkava: Oh, I see. Now... this looks like some sort of bonus stage... thing... I have 30 seconds to... kill... err... is that a potato?

Frostey: No, that's a rat.

Bonkava: It looks like a piece of crap.

Frostey: This is the boss.

Bonkava: OH GOSH! I didn't notice I just wasted 25 seconds questioning the game!

Super Bonk: 5!

Bonkava: Fly!

Super Bonk: 4! (begin slow zooming sequence moving a large interval every number) 3! 2! 1! (Bonkava begins to hit the boss, and land the final blow. Replay. Slow motion replay. Slanted replay. Other various replays.) 0!

Bonkava: Yes! I killed him just in time!

Super Bonk: Game over.

Bonkava: What? I killed the boss!

Frostey: I guess you have to see the boss's dying animation before time runs out.

Bonkava: Crap. Where's the level select?

Frostey: Up Up Down Down Left Left Right Right B A Start.

Bonkava: O... K...

Super Bonk: Level select! (power off noise is heard) Game over!

Bonkava: What the? What the heck just happened?

(end flashback)

Bonkava: FROSTEY! THE FUDGE IS STAINING MY FISH TAIL!

Frostey: Well, I gotta go get Bonkavlavd out of a headlock. Bye!

Bonkava: I AM NOT NAMED BONKAVLAVD!

Easter Eggs: At the end click on head lock to see a scene involving Bonkava and IFS:

Bonkava: Get off of me!

IFS: NO!

Bonkava: (lick) Hey, that fudge is pretty good. (lick) (lick) (lick) OHNOESMYTOUNGUEISFROZEN!

IFS: HELP! I'm half a fudgesickle now!

[Bonkava!]

Bonktoon #2: Bonkmails: The Movie: Ace in the Hole Prolouge

PROLOUGE

(potthole and Bonkava are walking down the streets. Bonkava is making confused expressions on his face)

potthole: So, you haven't updated the email thread in a while...

Bonkava: Well, I don't have any emails.

ph: And you have 4 main characters, one of which hasn't been in an email since the ninth one.

Bonkava: NOT TRUE! . . . He was a cameo in the 21st one.

ph: Yes, but you also don't seem to have a lot of updating, this is the third gap of production.

Bonkava: Well, you see, I think all 5 of my fans are either on vacation, forgot about this thread, or abandoned the forum.

ph: FIVE?!? What, are you kidding me? Last time I checked you only had 2 fans!

Bonkava: Not true! I have one... two... four fans at least, Icee, Frostey, MBD, and... err... umm...

ph: OK, three friends. That's not equal to five.

Bonkava: Oh, and there's AC! ACBirdwhatever is a fan!

ph: I doubt it. He claimed to liking one email. He sent in two. That does not mean he's a fan.

Bonkava: You want me to go into mass production? Other times I've done that, my emails had like, three lines of dialogue.

(cut to Bonkava at his computer)

Bonkava: I am going to do something now.

Email:

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Bonkava: EMAIL ME! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(cut back to potthole and Bonkava)

potthole: That was only like, one or two lines of dialogue.

Bonkava: Exactly my point. And you're calling me lazy? Progress reports have been on homework break for eight months now, homework is weakening, and I think it's time for that to be updated.

potthole: Yeah, well... your mom!

Bonkava: OK, so what's the back-plot to this episode?

potthole: How am I supposed to know? You're the author!

Bonkava: Just tell me what it is you wanted to tell me.

potthole: I'm afraid I'm going to have to shut your thread down if you don't keep up production.

Bonkava: But doing these emails is my day job! Look, I get paid for it!

Icee: Here's five dollars, write a Bonkmail.

Frostey: Here's ten dollars, write a Bonkmail.

MBD123: Here's one million dollars, write a Bonkmail.

Bonkava: Oh, look, I'm Microsoft Word, and although all of you gave me one bill, it should be are because it's a plural. MBD123 gave me a check but same difference!

potthole: This is not a joking matter. Your thread needs to get active... or else.

Bonkava: OK, how about if I make a movie, a movie that will blow the socks off of anyone who reads it?

potthole: How?

Bonkava: By making it an action-thriller and actually spending time on it!

potthole: Well, why did you say read?

Bonkava: Err... I meant watch.

potthole: Suuuure, you did.

Bonkava: I have emails! I HAVE EMAILS!

Email:

This is spam. Delete this. Oh, and buy a pill. Your...

Bonkava: OK, no more of this. I can see how the ending turns out. Ick. I don't have any usable emails.

potthole: If you're serious about this movie thing, you'd better get started on it right away.

Bonkava: OK!

(cut to Bonkava at his computer)

Bonkava: Logging on... to BHZ... Place to be... NEW CGN THREAD?

(Bonkava clicks on "That CGN thread from the Bonkmails movie")

Bonkava: Poll... hmm...

Poll: What is the most infamous email thread?

O Sadmails for ending at 200 when the fans wanted more.
O MBDmails for never updating... ever...
O Bonkmails for causing MBD123 to change his username to persononfire_fallingfroma$1000000privatejet.exe.

(Bonkava votes for Sadmails)

An Error Has Occurred:

I can't believe your so ungrateful to Depressio. He made more emails than Strong Bad!

(Bonkava votes for MBDmails)

An Error Has Occurred:

Hey, MBD123 never borked the forum.

Bonkava: YES HE DID! HE CHANGED HIS USERNAME HIMSELF, UNDER NO INFLUENCE!

(Bonkava votes for Bonkmails)

Message: CORRECT ANSWER!

Bonkava: That's just cheap. I need to find a way to not only become the most popular email thread, but to make everyone forget about that, even me. Right now, however, I'm only at the very bottom.

Icee: No, that's Name Mails.

To be continued...

[Bonkava!]

Bonktoon #2: Bonkmails: The Movie: Ace in the Hole Part One

CHAPTER 1: THE GOD OF SUCCESS

Bonkava: Let’s see, if I’m going to make a movie, I’d better make sure it gets a higher rating than one half stars.

Icee: How do you suppose we do that?

Bonkava: We talk to D-man.

(cut to an alter, labeled “Email Alter”, Depressio, in 50% opacity, appears above the alter)

Bonkava: Hey, D! How do we go about being popular?

Depressio: You need to have jokes.

Bonkava: (making notes) Jokes… jokes… ok… what else?

Depressio: You need a master’s degree in film-making.

Bonkava: You didn’t have one.

Depressio: YES I DID! Oh, and you need a female character.

Bonkava: A fe-… You didn’t have a female character, either!

Depressio: Yes, but I won the challenge and gained immunity!

Bonkava: What?

Depressio: I was the first email thread to reach 100.

Bonkava: What about before then?

Depressio: Socks.

Bonkava: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and I thought I did have a female character. FLASH_POWAH!

Depressio: She was a cameo character in 4 emails. She isn’t a main character.

Bonkava: What about that little girl from email 18?

Depressio: SHE HAD ONE LINE OF DIALOUGE!

Bonkava: What about the woman from email 21?

Depressio: SHE HAD ONE INCOMPLETE LINE OF DIALOUGE!!!

Bonkava: What about potthole?

Depressio: He’s not a main character, and he’s not female.

Bonkava: But dB said he was!

Depressio: Don’t always listen to him.

Bonkava: Why not? He says he’s the coolest!

Depressio: *slaps face* If daBurninator told you to jump off a cliff, would you?

Bonkava: Heck yes!

Depressio: *slaps face* *slaps face again 10 times in succession* Why would you?

Bonkava: Because he says that I should listen to him.

Depressio: OK, whatever, let’s stop talking about daBurninator.

Bonkava: OK. What else do I need to know about film-making?

Depressio: Don’t rip anything else off.

Bonkava: I… I was… I wasn’t going… I mean, I wasn’t planning to…

(cut to office building)

Bonkava: OK, Icee, I want you to deliver all of these boxes of POOP candy.

Icee: But won’t the patrons choke on the sawdust?

Bonkava: If you sell them, I’ll give you <adhesive medical strips>.

Icee: OH, BOY! COOL! I COULD SURE USE SOME <adhesive medical strips>.

Ran: OMG i get teh scert prizz!

(cut back to alter)

Bonkava: So, now I see what I must do. I must get a female character!

Depressio: Go have fun!

(cut to Bonkava looking at various places)

(Bonkava is scanning various female members of BHZ)

Bonkava: OK, ChocolateMetal, you’re up first. (analyzes) Nope.

CM: !

Bonkava: OK, Flash_Powah… Nope.

FP: Why are you doing this?!?

Bonkava: bethskye…

bs: Bonkava, what are you doing?

Bonkava: Analyzing females.

bs: I have right to ban you if…

Bonkava: Alright, alright, I’ll stop. I’ll just select randomly. Time to spin the wheel of females! (spins wheel) (Counter appears: 1:30:00 left!) Well, that’s convenient. I’ll go start making a movie.

(cuts to Hollywood)

Thug: I can help you make a movie, if you pay me one million dollars!

Bonkava: No. (walks to Universal Studios) Here I am! Now just to get inside.

(cuts to front entrance)

Bonkava: What do you mean I can’t get inside?!?

Gate Operator: Are you a professional film-maker?

Bonkava: No, but…

Gate Operator: Do you have a doctorate in film-making?

Bonkava: Depressio said I needed a master’s… filthy liar. I have… a paperclip!

Gate Operator: Not… gonna… cut it…

Bonkava: Please, let me in! I need to start making a movie!

Gate Operator: Do you have a script and or effect machine?

Bonkava: No, but… I have a paperclip!

Gate Operator: How could a paperclip help you?

Bonkava: LIKE THIS! (jabs paperclip into gate operator)

Gate Operator: OW! OWOWOWOWOW! (accidentally presses gate open button)

Bonkava: Now I can get in.

(cuts to the set)

Bonkava: How do I work this kind of thing? Umm… I’ll just press this button and…

(stage sets on fire)

Bonkava: OH MY GOSH!

(a boot kicks Bonkava out of the studio)

Bonkava: Back to the drawing board. Or rather, the Depressio board.

(cut to Bonkava at the email alter)

Bonkava: The people in Hollywood are mean… I know, I’ll put a scene about that in my movie! Because… Hollywood… is not…

Depressio: Got mental block, eh? Don’t do Hollywood. They’ll just…

Bonkava: Yeah, I know. I’m just cheesed off that I lost my paperclip for nothing.

Depressio: Can’t you get more paperclips at Office Max?

Bonkava: No. That was the last paperclip in their last box.

Depressio: Office Depot?

Bonkava: I don’t feel like going there.

Depressio: Doesn’t Office Max restock?

Bonkava: Not on paperclips.

Depressio: What can you do with a paperclip, anyway?

Bonkava: Lots of things.

To Be Continued...

[Goombazoid]

Haha, this is high-larious. I can't wait to read the next installment. Keep up the good work!

[Bonkava!]

Bonktoon #2: Bonkmails: The Movie: Ace in the Hole Part Two

CHAPTER 2: THE ART OF FILM-MAKING

Disclaimer: Part one may have seemed to be a filler space, that just looped back to the beginning, but if you keep reading (err... "watching") you'll understand eventually.

Bonkava: Let’s check in on our wheel. No? Still going? OK.

(cut to streets)

Bonkava: Do you know how to make a movie?

Icee: No.

Frostey: No.

Spielberg: Yes!

(everyone stares)

Spielberg: Well he ASKED!

Icee: Maybe you should just stop making a movie?

Bonkava: What good would that do? I’d still be world-renowned for turning MBD-man into persononfirefallingfroma$1000000privatejet.exe.

Icee: You forgot the underscore.

Bonkava: What?

Icee: It goes persononfire&fallingfroma$1000000privatejet.exe.

Bonkava: That ampersand was very unnecessary.

Icee: What ampersand?

Bonkava: The one in between fire and falling.

Icee: Oh, you mean the underscore?

Bonkava: Err… that wasn’t an underscore. Or a parenthesis. Or an asterisk. It was an ampersand. Get your grammatical terms correctly.

Icee: I believe you mean correct, Mr. I-<3-Grammar!

Bonkava: Yeah, well… you shut up! Besides, I need to make a movie to keep my thread active. I’m not going to go pleading to potthole to keep my thread up.

(cut to potthole)

Bonkava: PLEASE keep my thread up! This is what I do for a living.

potthole: Sorry, but you just don’t seem to want to…

Bonkava: It’s not my fault! No one ever emails me! That’s why I’m trying to make a movie!

potthole: OK. I’ll give you one more chance.

Bonkava: Yesah!

(cut to low-budget set)

Bonkava: Places, everyone, we’re ready to start filming the 192nd scene!

Icee: What places? What 192nd scene? Why aren’t we starting at the first scene?

Bonkava: This is my movie, and I’m going to produce how I want to produce it.

Frostey: We don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing. We don’t know the story so far.

Bonkava: OK, fine, I’ll start with the 191st scene.

Frostey ampersand Icee: (slaps face).

MBD123: Hey, are we making a Bonkmails movie? WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Bonkava: YOU! You can play the leading female, we don’t have one yet.

MBD123: But I’m a guy! I don’t…

Bonkava: Pretend we’re in the 16th and 17th centuries. Act female!

MBD123: OK! Wait while I get into my costume.

Bonkava: Which costume would that be?

persononfire_fallingfroma$1000000privatejet.exe: This costume!

Bonkava: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Icee: Shut up, Darth Vader.

MBD: Fine, I’ll change back into my old costume… grumble grumble… There.

Ran: can i b n ur moove?

Bonkava: My moov? Don’t you mean my movie?

Ran: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sayed teh rino.

Bonkava: Oh, yeah, sure… and I’ll need all the cameos. PokeHomsar, Strong Bad, Homestar, HOL, Flash_Powah, Depressio…

MBD: Listen to my girly scream! LOALOALOALOAWHEOLOALOALOAWHEO!

Bonkava: Ugh… I’m going to check up on the wheel of girls again.

(cut to wheel of females)

Bonkava: Huh. The timer is still at 1:30:00? Hmm… the battery is jammed. If only I had a small metal object that I could use to connect the wire to the battery once again… Ah, well, I’ll just stop the wheel my SE-EL-EL-EL-EL-ELF! (As he says self, he gets stuck to the wheel and begins to spin around like the females on the wheel)

Icee: Want to go help him?

Frostey: Nope.

Icee: What kind of friends would we be if we didn’t help him?

Frostey: Oh, I think he likes being there.

Icee: He likes being pointlessly flung around?

Frostey: No, he likes being with hundreds of girls.

Icee: I doubt it.

(Bonkava gets flung off the wheel, with a black eye, a sling, and he’s missing about 10 teeth)

Bonkava: Those girls… can pack… Hawaiian punch…

Icee: What?

Bonkava: Don’t… movie day… without… cheese steaks… (falls unconscious)

Icee: No, we’ve lost him!

Frostey: Let’s perform CPR!

(Icee and Frostey are at a hospital, they have those chargy thingies that are used to test life, that say clear, and you like, zap the people with them, or something. The point is, they have that equipment)

Frostey: This isn’t CPR!

Icee: CLEAR! (zap)

Frostey: Stop doing this, this is unnecessary!

Icee: CLEAR! (zap)

Frostey: He could die if you keep unnecessarily zapping him!

Icee: CLEAR! (zap)

Frostey: Ugh… let’s take him out of the hospital.

Icee: Darn… I almost had him awake…

Frostey: This is how you perform CPR. (pushes down on stomach to get the ‘bad air’ out.)

Icee: Isn’t that the Heimlich maneuver?

Frostey: Whatever. I’m doing it anyway.

Icee: It doesn’t appear to be working.

Frostey: I have to do mouth-to-mouth!

Innocent Bystander: Eww… sick.

Frostey: You’re the sick one.

IB: I take offense from that statement.

Bonkava: The winner is… MBD plays the leading lady.

Frostey: He’s up. HE’S UP!

Bonkava: What? Where are we anyway?

Frostey: We need to get home.

To Be Continued...

[Bonkava!]

Bonktoon #2: Bonkmails: The Movie: Ace in the Hole Part Three

CHAPTER 3: THE OBJECTIVE

Bonkava: So… let’s see, how do I know the basis of making a movie? Well, first I look over the RULES OF MOVIE-MAKING!

1.   You must have some potty humor in the film.

Bonkava: What if I don’t want potty humor? What if I want Burnburn humor?

potthole: I thought I was your friend.

Bonkava: OK, fine, I’ll have potty humor.

2.   You must have set the characters and basic plot before production.

Bonkava: OK, characters… characters… I know, let’s check up on the wheel of females!

(cut to wheel of females)

Bonkava: Still, spinning, huh? Oh, well… plot… plot… plot… plot…

Frostey: You don’t have to repeat yourself.

Bonkava: I’m thinking!

Icee: That’s some loud thinking.

Bonkava: SHUT UP!

Frostey: I’ve got an idea for a plot! The story could revolve around the Ultimazuter, your computer, and one day, as he boots up, he notices he is in an unfamiliar environment, and realizes that Bonkava, his trusty owner, that would be you, has abandoned him. So then he goes on an adventure to find his lost owner, gaining companions of me, Icee, MBD, Ran, Flashy, HOL, potthole, ACPigeon, PokeHomsar, and Richard Simmons.

Bonkava: That plot sucks.

Frostey: If you were to write the plot, what would you do differently?

Bonkava: I wouldn’t have Richard Simmons in it.

(cut to forest)

Ultimazuter: Hey! I think I see a secret passage!

AC: Whoa, how do you know?

U: Because it’s labeled ‘Secret Passage’.

MBD: I think I see the codepad that we need to enter the password into!

potthole: But what’s the password?

PokeHomsar: I, being the smartest person in the world, know that the password is…

Richard Simmons: And back, and forward, and lift those muscles! WOOHOO what a workout! And back, and front, now side to side to side to side to side to side to side!

(cut back to wherever Frostey, Bonkava, and Icee were. We’ll call it the “Rule-Reading-Room”)

Frostey: Yeah, I can see how that wouldn’t work.

3.   You must film scenes at different times, not the whole movie as one consecutive reel, otherwise you’d have to film the whole thing 15+ times.

Bonkava: I already have one scene so… I guess I already followed that rule.

Frostey: Which scene would that be?

(cut to office building)

Bonkava: OK, Icee, I want you to deliver all of these boxes of POOP candy.

Icee: But won’t the patrons choke on the sawdust?

Bonkava: If you sell them, I’ll give you <adhesive medical strips>.

Icee: OH COOL! I SURE COULD USE SOME…

(cut back to rule-reading-room)

Icee: I thought that Depressio said not to record that scene.

Bonkava: So?

4.   You must have a script. Adlibbing is for miniature sections, not movies.

Bonkava: OK… I’ll write a script. (scribbles something down on a sheet of paper)

Script:

Bonkava
Hey, you know what I just realized? This is just a movie. Movie magic can make anything happen. You dummy.


INTERIOR: CASTLE

MBD123 is tied up. He is screaming at the top of his lungs.

MBD123
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

EXTERIOR: CASTLE

Bonkava is standing around

Bonkava
I won’t help you. I barely know who you are. But… hey… wait a minute…

(at the bottom of the script there was a message reading “repeat 180 times”)

Icee: OK… that was an anticlimactic movie… MBD never gets rescued? It’s just the same scene repeated 180 times over?

Bonkava: OK, we can do a different plot. How about… a movie with a boat?

Frostey: We don’t have the material to make a boat, and we don’t have a budget to buy one!

Bonkava: Well, we could have you all standing far behind a silver object that looks like a boat.

Frostey: Right…

Bonkava: But I don’t have a metal object that can be manipulated or bended in any way possible.
Frostey: OK… what should the plot of the movie be, then?

Bonkava: I don’t know.

Icee: How about a movie about how snails eventually grow out of their shell and then explode and become extremely sensitive to salt, and sneeze when you throw cayenne at them, and how they’re considered delicacies in France, Prance, Plance, Plande, Plonde, Plodge, and Plodgy?

Bonkava: Half that information was false, and 6 of those 7 countries don’t exist.

Icee: How do you know? Enygieland wasn’t on the map either!

Bonkava: And neither was Nonwhere or NorthWestSouthChestire. I think that Steven Stefearnogleoniaoniarglesteinenstergioniargle was just making up where he lived.

Frostey: Maybe Steven Stefearnogleoniaoniarglesteinenstergioniargle was just making up who he was!

Bonkava: And furthermore, that plot had absolutely nothing to do with Bonkmails.

Icee: How do you know?

Bonkava: None of us were even mentioned in it!

Icee: It had to do with Sadmails!

Bonkava: BARELY!

5.   Ripoffs usually get bad scores.

Bonkava: Well, that’s good to know. I mean… It’s not like we’re going to do…

(cut to an beach)

Bonkava: Let’s go swimming!

Icee: YAY!

Frostey: OK, we need a magical bag of winds!

Bonkava: YAY WE RETRIEVED THE CROWN!

Icee: Whoops, the magical bag of winds flew away!

Bonkava: Let’s ride David Hasselhoff!

Ran: im davd hasufhuuhff.

Baby Lisa: Dava Hassuhhof!

(cut to rule reading room)

Icee: Yeah, wouldn’t that be a nightmare?

To be continued...

[Bonkava!]

Bonktoon #2: Bonkmails: The Movie: Ace in the Hole Part Four

CHAPTER 4: THE LAST RESORT

potthole: So… you say the wheel of females is broken?

Bonkava: That’s what I said, it won’t stop.

potthole: Tried stopping it?

Bonkava: Yeah. Ended up in the hospital.

potthole: Ouch.

Bonkava: Double ouch.

potthole: Triple ouch.

Bonkava: INFINITY OUCH PLUS ONE OUCH!

potthole: INFINITY OUCH PLUS TWO OUCH!

Bonkava: Right.

potthole: Just name the first person that comes to mind.

Bonkava: Richard… Simmons…

potthole: OK… first girl.

Bonkava: Richard… Simmons…

potthole: That guy’s male. I need you to name a FEMALE!

Bonkava: Well, there’s always Ace, but…

potthole: But what?

Bonkava: I was getting to that, and then you interrupted.

potthole: Oh, sorry.

Bonkava: …but Ace probably wouldn’t want to be in the series, and she’s not even into Homestar!

potthole: Well… make her like Homestar, and you’re set.

Bonkava: There’s no way I could convince her into anything.

potthole: OK, well use subliminal messages.

Bonkava: Subliminal messages…

(cut to dark house. There is a computer. Ace is tied up in front of the computer.)

Bonkava: I’ll just run this macro… click the link, and there!

The Cheat: Meh, MEH! Meh, MEH! Meh, MEH, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh…

Ace: (after watching “500 The Cheats” for 3 hours) I don’t think I can take much more of this! Let me out of this chair!

Bonkava: Not until you like the cartoon. I’ll be back in the morning.

(The sun sets and the moon rises)

Bonkava: So, how did you like the cartoon?

Ace: Meh, MEH! Meh, MEH!

Bonkava: Ack… can you say “I hated it”?

Ace: Meh.

Bonkava: Can you say “I loved it”?

Ace: Meh, mweh.

Bonkava: … What’s your name?

Ace: Meh meat!

Bonkava: ACK! SHE’S BEEN HYPNOTIZED! NOW I’LL NEVER GET A FEMALE CHARACTER!

Tiny The Cheat Virus: MEHEHEHEHE!

Bonkava: Hey, there’s tiny Cheats inside her ear. I could remove them and save her… but I don’t have longish piece of metal that I could bend to push down her ear…

(cut back to wheel of females. potthole is there.)

Bonkava & potthole: What’re you doing here?

potthole: I was just making sure the wheel really was broken.

Bonkava: I failed making her like Homestar.

potthole: She still doesn’t like it?

Bonkava: No. I hypnotized her, made her deranged. I still don’t know what’s going on with the wheel…

potthole: We could try to stop the wheel.

Bonkava: Yeah.

(The both try to stop the wheel. It starts spinning the other way)

Bonkava: Hey, the counter is changing!

(It was indeed changing. It now went from 1:30:00 to 1:30:01 and so forth.)

potthole: Yeah, in the wrong direction!

Bonkava: Maybe we’ll get lucky and it will stop at 3 hours.

potthole: I doubt it.

Bonkava: Yeah… let’s get out of here. It appears C_M is about to puke.

potthole: Ugh, you’re right.

(They rush back to the email altar)

Bonkava: DEPRESSIO, I CAN’T GET A FEMALE CHARACTER, WHAT DO I DO?

Depressio: Why are you shouting?

Bonkava: Oh, sorry, Caps Lock.

Depressio: Well, get MBD123 to play the female character.

Bonkava: Tried that. Have you heard his girlish scream?

Depressio: No, and I’m glad I haven’t.

Bonkava: Well, the wheel of female broke.

Depressio: Dag. You might want to try playing the female yourself?

Bonkava: That wouldn’t make any sense.

(cut to jungle. Two Bonkava’s are in lion costumes)

Bonkava: Bonkava, you must come back!

Bonkava: Bonkavette, I was banished, remember?

Bonkava: But we miss you. It wasn’t you, it was Scar.

Bonkava: I know no one in that village.

Bonkava: Yes you do. Please come back.

Bonkava: Only if I can bring Icimon and Frostumbah.

Bonkava: I’m sure they will be excepted.

(cut back to email altar)

Bonkava: See, that didn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Depressio: We can make you look female. We have the technology.

Bonkava: Yeah, but I’ll be talking to no one!

Depressio: There, there, on the screen you’ll have someone to talk to. No one will think you’re crazy.

Bonkava: Yeah, but think about it… during filming…

(cut to stage)

Bonkava: Oh, Bonkavette, I… can’t… see… you… you aren’t there. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT LOOK REALISTIC IF NOBODY IS THERE?

(cut back to altar)

Depressio: If you practice your lines…

Bonkava: And that’s another thing! If I play the leading female, I’ll have twice as many lines to memorize!

Depressio: Then say things you’ve already memorized.

(cut to stage)

Bonkava: (French accent) I fart in your general direction! (like a bird) NEVERMORE! (in a low voice) YOU SOLD OUR HOUSE? (in a chewing gum voice) Keep the beat and don’t stop, don’t stop, keep the beat and don’t stop (singing) Have you ever felt like breaking down? Have you ever felt out of place?

(cut to altar)

Bonkava: That movie would be terrible!

Depressio: What are the ratings of other random things?

Bonkava: Let’s see… Naruto is beating Bo-bo-bo Bo-bo-bo-bo in ratings, half the world says Bonus Stage sucks, and Bloo Toons has about 4 fans.

Depressio: Well, maybe this will be the greatest random thing ever.

Bonkava: I don’t think so. I’m not continuing this idea.

Depressio: OK, then, just try to turn the wheel around and see if the timer continues to count down.

(Bonkava does so, and it counts down to 1:30:00 when it slows down and beeps.)

Bonkava: Finally, the wheel stopped spinning! The female character is…

To be continued…


I'm still thinking about who the female character is going to be.

[Bonkava!]

Whoops... I guess I neglected this thread. Oh well, here's the last part. The THRILLING FINALE OF... Bonkmails: The Movie!

Bonktoon #2: Bonkmails: The Movie: Ace in the Hole Part Five

CHAPTER 5: REVEALED

Bonkava: …no one… Where’d everyone go?

(cut to all the female members of BHZ. They are fleeing for it.)

Bonkava: I could have sworn they were right here. And what’s that awful stench?

potthole: That’d be the puke.

Bonkava: The… puke… oh well, I’ll go consult Depressio. I hope he has more information to tell me.

{cut to email alter}

Bonkava: I couldn’t get a female character.

Depressio: Oh, yes you did.

Bonkava: WHAT!? I did not!

Depressio: Did so!

Bonkava: Did not!

Depressio: SO!

Bonkava: NOT!

Depressio: SO!

Bonkava: NOT!

(6 hours later)

Bonkava: DepressiO RLY?

Depressio: YA RLY!

Bonkava: Oh…

Depressio: BUUUUURN!

Bonkava: DepressiO RLY2 OH SNAP!

Depressio: *snaps his fingers* Now let’s see YOU SNAP!

Bonkava: OH! *snaps his fingers* NOW WHISTLE!

Depressio: *whistles Beethoven’s 5th* Now it’d be your turn to whistle.

Bonkava: Uh… fwoo… tweet… ur… fwootweet… tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet…

Depressio: Ah! You can’t whistle! I win this round!

Bonkava: Best 100 out of 199!

Depressio: You’re on!

(6 more hours later)

Bonkava: Nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety eight… nine hundred ninety nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine… one billion. See, I told you I could do it.

Depressio: Yes, but you skipped forty three million fifty six thousand four hundred ninety two. So I win.

Bonkava: OK, fine, you win. Now who is my female character?

Depressio: Y’know every female character you looked at or spun on the wheel?

Bonkava: Yeah?

Depressio: *hands Bonkava a tape reading ‘security tape #386B’ with a label slapped onto it that says ‘Bonkava movie’*

Bonkava: You made the movie by yourself?

Depressio: No, actually you made the movie.

Bonkava: What are you blabbering about now?

Depressio: *puts tape in VCR*

(tape)

(potthole and Bonkava are walking down the streets. Bonkava is making confused expressions on his face)

potthole: So, you haven't updated the email thread in a while...

Bonkava: Well, I don't have any emails.

ph: And you have 4 main characters, one of which…

(email altar)

Bonkava: Wait, wait, wait. You’ve been taping me? How far does this video go to?

(tape)

Bonkava: Now who’s my female character?

(email altar)

Bonkava: OK, I’m going to have to edit this to get it to movie length, but with a little tinkering…

(cut to the Massachusizzle House of Rap, with the rock sign on it, and still sloppier on top of that, it says ‘movies’)

Clerk: So, that’s 5 tickets to Ace in the Hole… two adults, one child, one toddler. Hey, wait, why do you need 5 tickets?

Violet: (appears) Hehe, gotcha.

Dash: Yeah, we really got you good. Now give us the tickets.

Clerk: That’ll be $19.99.

Dash: 20 DOLLARS!? (jumps up, grabs the tickets, and runs away, taking his family with him)

Clerk: HEY! We’ve got some criminal supers here!

Police: Criminal supers? What did they do?

Clerk: Well the little guy stole tickets!

Police: This little guy? (holds up Jack-Jack) How could he steal any… (Jack-Jack lights on fire) OW! HOT! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

Mr. Incredible: OK, here’s the check. (They go to the movie theatre).

(inside the movie theatre)

Announcer: And now, it’s time to put your hands together for the very premier of ACE IN THE HOLE!

(movie)

Bonkava: OK, Icee, I want you to deliver all of these boxes of POOP candy.

Icee: But won’t the patrons choke on the sawdust?

Bonkava: If you sell them, I’ll give you <adhesive medical strips>.

Icee: OH, BOY! COOL! I COULD SURE USE SOME <adhesive medical strips>.

Ran: OMG i get teh scert prizz!

(screen flashes the text “JUST KIDDING!”)

*previews start*

Statler: Woohoo, this is my second favorite part of any movie!

Waldorf: It hasn’t started yet!

Statler: Hello, that’s why I like these parts so much.

S&W: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Random movie-goer: Shush, the movie’s starting.

*movie starts*

*movie runs as normal*

*movie ends*

(flash newpapers on screen)

Headline: ACE IN THE HOLE: MORE LIKE, MOVIE DOWN THE HOLE!

Headline: ACE IN THE HOLE BOX OFFICE FLOP

Headline: EVERY YEAR HAS TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE BAD MOVIE!

Headline: AN ACE EQUALS ONE, WHICH IS HOW MANY STARS ACE IN THE HOLE GETS!

(pan out to Bonkava reading the last one)

Bonkava: Well… I don’t really care anymore. Guys, want to get some donuts?

IFS: Sure.

THE END!

Explanations: The 'just kidding' thing in the movie theatre was not part of the movie, as evidenced by the previews following. It was rather one of those pre-preview things before the start time of the movie. Such as Regal Theatre's "First Look" or their previous "The 20".