BonkMails NEW SHORT

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails: Short 2: Bonkmails: The Movie: Press Conference: ATTACK OF THE COLONS!

(Bonkava is at the computer desk)

Bonkava: Oh yeah, I'm checkin' email, I'm not a female, I'm not a shemale, I'm just an email... dude...

Email:
ATTENTION! IMPORTANT NEWS!

Check out the following links:

Bonkava: (cutting off the email) Wait a minute, this is just porn. SOMEONE SPAMMED ME PORN! Ugh... Well, now I don't have an email to answer. *sigh*

Frostey: Bonkava! You're wanted outside!

Bonkava: Um... K, (goes outside) So what's all this abou-ou-ou-ou-out!?

(Bonkava gets carried to a press conference)

Reporter: Bonkava, what were you thinking when you made the movie?

Bonkava: Well, I...

Reporter: YOU COST HOLLYWOOD MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

Bonkava: I didn't even...

Reporter: You do know Bonkmails has what, 3 fans?

Bonkava: Yes, but...

Reporter: What was the inspiration for the name of the title?

Bonkava: There was n...

Reporter: Was it because of that girl from part 4?

Bonkava: Err, no, that's not...

Reporter: Is it because of the subtle baseball references?

Bonkava: No, but... wait, what?

Reporter: I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS!

Bonkava: O... K...

Reporter: What was your inspiration for the movie?

Bonkava: Why do you care? You hated it.

Reporter: I SAID I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS!

Bonkava: Yeah, about that...

Reporter: How do you feel about the line, "INFINITY OUCH PLUS TWO OUCH!"?

Bonkava: Umm... it was a...

Reporter: Can I have your autograph?

Bonkava: What use would... oh right, you're asking the questions...

Reporter: What's your favorite video game?

Bonkava: I really don...

Reporter: YOU DON'T PLAY VIDEO GAMES? WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO?

Bonkava: No, see, that's not what I meant...

Reporter: What is it like to be the only email thread ever?

Bonkava: That question doesn't even make any...

Reporter: ARE YOU SURE!

Bonkava: Yeah, I'm sure...

Reporter: R U SHUR?

Bonkava: Shut up.

Reporter: Would you like to go home?

Bonkava: Yes. Yes I would.

Reporter: WELL TOO BAD!

Bonkava: Yeah... you know I can make a hammer come out of my arm, right?

Reporter: Y... you can?

Bonkava: Of course, where'd you think I got my name? (bonk)

Reporter: OW!

Bonkava: Later... or rather... never...

(Bonkava goes home)

The End.

[Bonkava!]

Bonkmails #23: Overshadows (and awexomes and neos)

(preshow room)

Bonkava: OK, kids, today we have a very special guest. Say hello to Barney!

Barney: I love you, you love me, together we will always be...

Bonkava: Rubble!

(Fred Flinstone runs in, shaking his fist and running past the screen)

Fred: MY PEBBLES!

Bonkava: --'s wife...

(Betty Rubble comes in)

Betty: Do you actually have a special guest planned?

Bonkava: ... no.

(email checkinest room in the house)

Bonkava: The email, the email, ooh, ah, the email, 73h 3m4|1, 73h 3m4|1, 00h, 4h, 73h 3m4|1.

Email:

Dear Bonklavd,

If you were to rampage around other people's past emails and mess them up and get everyone angry at you to where they cancel your email thread for all eternity and you are forced to live in a cardboard packing box on the edge of a suburban alley with another homeless guy that drives you insane, what would it be like.

This is not an evil scheme,

Fredrich R. Dhystrowl VII

Bonkava: Err... OK, Flendrick. It just so happened I did that one time. And... then... I was banned.... from the forum... yep, that man, snickeldooder123098, the one that rampaged other email threads, messing them up, and getting his email thread deleted forever, was me.

Frostey: There wasn't ever a member named...

Bonkava: I'm just telling a story. Anyway, what happened then went something like this:

(flashback)

Depressio: ... get your friend a birthday fish--

SD123098: BRITHDKJSAY FSIKLEYS! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! BIRHTKDASY FIKSL!

(scene cut)

Darkshadows: ... Oh well, let's just go to Pointy Hair Man Weather for now. Pointy Hair man?

SD123098: OH NOES PIOTY HAIR MAN HAVE TEH POITNY HAIR OMG WHATEVER SLAJL WI DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!?1//11

(Scene cut)

Mackiest: This hospital is actually a BOMB!

SD123098: Teh bomb lololololol liek cake?

Mackiest: No.

(scene cut)

Neo: Well that email didn't break any humor barriers so...

SD123098: YEAH IT DID OMGOMGOMGOMGGOMGOMGOMGOMG! That was teh 1337! LOL LEGS!

(scene cut)

MBD123: I made a flash simulator...

SD123098: LOL FLASH U SEW DURTY!

MBD123: Huh?

(scene cut)

PokeHomsar: The 'P' in PokeHomsar is capitalized...

SD123098: you mean like this, Pokehomsar. its fun to tyPe like this. thanks mr Pokehomsar!

(scene cut)

(end flashback)

Bonkava: So yeah, I was in almost every early email after I brainwashed Fhqwhgads so that I could get Super Mod powers. Then I could edit posts and put in my lines and...

Frostey: How did you brainwash Fhq? Wouldn't Yello_Dello have banned you? In your flashback, you used only emails from current threads, including renewed threads like MBDMails and AweXomemails. Those appeared after you signed up with the Bonkava screen name! In fact, the AweXome mails thread renewed AFTER BRETT AND Y_D LEFT! If you were there to mess their emails up, then how did Fhq give you super mod powers that lasted that long? AND WHY HASN'T ANYONE SIGNED UP AS SNICKLEDOODER123098 IF YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH?

Bonkava: Umm... well, onto the next part of the story.

(flashback)

Homeless guy: You got any corn?

Bonkava: Can't afford it.

Homeless guy: The'e's corn ova there in that field.

Bonkava: Yeah, thanks for the tip.

HG: I need a home...

Bonkava: Me too, I had one until I got fired from my job and they confiscated my house.

HG: Life is rough sometimes (cough)

Bonkava: Yeah... shouldn't we be like, begging, or something?

HG: Maybe. Do ya wanna peanut?

Bonkava: Wait, we have peanuts?

HG: Sure do. Packin' peanuts.

(the homeless guy hands Bonkava a handful of styrofoam)

Bonkava: Great. Just dandy.

HG: I can write my name in the dirt...

Bonkava: Yeah, please don't.

HG: ...

Bonkava: ...

HG: You got a jug'o'beer?

Bonkava: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

(end flashback)

Bonkava: So yeah, then I made this account!

Frostey: That was flawed in so many ways...

Bonkava: Oh, you're just nitpicking. Email me!

THE END!

[Bonkava!]

Bonkmails #24: Haikusical

(preshow room)

Bonkava: Uh... I was just doing... nothing... I gotta go!

(pan around room to show that Ran was tied up, and it looks like he is being untied)

(email room)

Bonkava: Maybe mass production isn't so bad.

Email:

Dear Bonkava:

What's the best thing you've
Ever spent ten dollars on?
Answer in haiku.

Bonkava:
I don't need to say
What I have to say right now
I don't have answer...

OK, cut the crap, it's hard to say everything talking in haiku. I'll try again, though.

(slowly zoom out)

Bonkava:
The best thing about
ten dollars, in my 'pinion
is Wave Race: Blue Storm

Which is like... for the Gamecube. Yeah I said 'pinion... no, I'm not... I didn't... I DID NOT CHEAT THE FORMULA!

(keep zooming)

Bonkava:
For just ten dollars
and fifty cents, to be fair,
I ate some crab cakes.

See, I didn't cheat the formula that time!

(keep zooming)

Bonkava:
Rare steak is... 20 dollars... no... (fade out)

(cut to Icee Fudge Sickle and Ran)

Ran: hikoo tn dollers?

IFS: Hiccups and goo turn into dog hollers? What?

Ran: hikoo tn dollers!

IFS: Oh, OK.

(cut back to Bonkava)

Bonkava:

... here's 5 syllables.
Now here's 7 syllables.
Now, 5 syllables.

OK, I can't even answer this question. MOVING ON!

(Moving on appears on the computer)

Bonkava: Email checkin, checkin' the inbox, Email checking, checking the outbox, email checkin', checkin' the sent box, email checking, checking the inbox...

(no new messages)

Bonkava: Ah, crap! Now I have to answer this one.

I don't very much
like this form of poetry
it's hard to contain

the correct amount
of syllables in a line
is it five or six?

Nobody knows, no
body knows, nobody knows,
nobody knows, right?

Well, at least I know
what a haiku is, unlike
some people I know

(cut to Icee)

Icee:
This is the uber-great haiku.
It totally is.
I'm seriously, not lying.

(cut back to Bonkava)

Bonkava:
I can't do this an
ymore, I'm too confused, why
do I have to ans

wer in haiku form?
That just makes it all harder
and I don't like hard.

Well, Air Conditioner, I guess...

The result was a
tie between crab cakes and Wave
Race: Blue Storm for Gamecube

Email me!

The end

(five seconds later)

Bonkava:Whew... that was hard... I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to put line breaks in the middle of words...

[MBD123]

I loved this email
It was a very good one
I think it was great

I will rate it now
Its rated 9 out of 10
I now rest my case

[Bonkava!]

Bonkmails #25: Ding Dong

(1 new messages)

Bonkava: Frostey, I'm having that hallucination again!

Frostey: No, that's real.

Bonkava: No way! I'd better get to checking!

(computer room)

Bonkava: This is so frickin' awesome.

Dear Bonklavd,

Please do something funny, yet filled with action on an old timey camera with a doorbell. Also, do the classic destroying a fruit/cabbage stand during that. It must also have something to do with a computer and... throw a haiku or 2 in there like you did in "haikusical."

Censorly,
Giant amoeba playing a saxophone while chasing a man through a chocolate pond (It was hard to write this)

P.S. I like putting P.S. at the end of a(n) (e-)mail

Bonkava: Well, first off, "a mail" isn't the term you would use for a snail-mail message; you would call it "a letter". Thus, the entire thing of “an” should have been in parentheses. However, to answer your question, I would first take... wait a second... (rereads email) you didn't even ask me a question! Oh well, let's get to work.

(Cut to a title card in fancy font in black and white that reads "Baklava's Gratiest Edgy Moments")

Bonkava: That's supposed to say "Bonkava's Greatest Moments"!

IFS: Well, sorry, the transcriber was hard of hearing!

(Cut to a black and white scene)

(ding-dong)

Bonkava: I'll go answer the doorbell.

(ding-dong)
(ding-dong)
(ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-dong)

Bonkava: Let's see who it is... GASP!

(Bonkava opens the door to find that no one is there)

Bonkava: DING DONG DITCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!!!!!!!!!! I will get you!

(Bonkava runs up to a man with a cart filled with apples)

Bonkava: Are you a ding dong ditcher?

Apple guy: Um... yes?

Bonkava: DIE!

(Bonkava punches the cart and all the apples fall on the apple guy)

Bonkava: OK, time to go home.

(Ding-dong)
(Ding-dong)
(Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-dong)

Bonkava: What is dinging my doorbell?

(Bonkava runs up to a man with a cart filled with apples)

Bonkava: Can I buy a computer?

Macintosh guy: No.

Bonkava: DING-DONG-DITCHER!

(Bonkava throws the iMac onto the Apple guy's head and cracks the guy's skull)

Bonkava: Well, now that's taken care of...

(Ding-dong)
(Ding-dong)
(Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-dong)

Bonkava: Who is that who is
Making all the ding-dong sounds
It's annoying, geez

IFS: That would be me, sir
This old camera has a
doorbell on it. DING!

Bonkava: Ooooo... K..... Aahh! A GIANT AMOEBA! Run awaaaaaaaaaaay!

(A giant amoeba with a saxophone chases Bonkava into a chocolate pond)

Bonkava: Oh my gosh! It's like a whole new world down here! A whole new woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorld, a whole new place I never knew...

Giant Amoeba: Shut up, I hate that song.

Bonkava: Geez, you're pretty angry for a one-celled organism.

Giant Amoeba: I know a song I do like.

Bonkava: Which song?

Giant Amoeba: Sing along with me as I play it, and maybe you'll recognize it.

Bonkava: OK... Uh... in the laaaaand, where I was born, lived a germ, which infected me. And this geeeerm, soon it died, antibacterial, soap killed he. We all live in an unused cold vaccine, unused cold vaccine, unused cold vaccine... wait, what is this? The tune sounds familiar, but these lyrics don't look right to me...

Giant Amoeba: Well, the thing is, this chocolate pond is actually only here because you've become mentally ill.

Bonkava: What?

Giant Amoeba: I'm not really a Giant Amoeba, I'm MBD123, but they've taken us away, and hypnotized us into thinking this evil experiment was actually a happy outing. This saxophone is really a syringe that we're supposed to be using to extract the vaccine from this vat of liquid, which isn't actually chocolate.

Bonkava: So you’re saying...

Giant Amoeba: Yes, we've unwillingly become lab rats!

Bonkava: Noooooo!

Giant Amoeba: There's no way out, as far as I can tell. I've examined everything, every single speck of this "pond".

Bonkava: I can just use this coral to climb out, can't I? It's not like this is anything dangerouzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt! (Bonkava gets electrocuted)

Giant Amoeba: That's the fusion device they're using on us to extract part of our DNA and mix it with the cold virus.

Bonkava: Cold... Fusion? Hahahahahahahaha... sorry, I just couldn't resist.

Giant Amoeba: Yes, well since I've been here, I've learned a lot and I can safely say that these people are on a wild goose chase. Nothing anyone could find anywhere in the world could cure the cold, cancer, diabetes, and the like.

Bonkava: Time can cure the cold.

Giant Amoeba: Effectively, yes, but there is no way to capture time and put it in a medicinal capsule.

Bonkava: Dang, you're right... Well, what if we found a way? Then they'd let us go, wouldn't they?

Giant Amoeba: There is a problem with your theory. How are we going to get out of this vaccine tub if we're trapped in here?

Bonkava: I've read about traveling through dimensions at the drop of a hat. Father Time lives in another dimension, so if we could get to him, maybe he could give us some time!

Giant Amoeba: Where would you read something about traveling through dimensions?

Bonkava: At the best library in the world, yes, the (high-pitched and squealy voice) MYSTICAL LI-IBRARY-Y!

To be continued...

(my first 2-part EMAIL yay)

[Bonkava!]

Bonkmails #25.5: Ding Dong Finale

MBD123: Like I said, the reserchers are on a futile wild goose chase... thing... as far as I know, the only way to get out is to comply to their standards

Bonkava: Then we shall comply!

MBD123: They're going to chop off our ears, and take blood samples!

Bonkava: Is this because of my cold, because I lost my cold a while ago.

MBD123: But just 5 minutes ago you...

Bonkava: 5 minutes? It felt like 5 days!

MBD123: What? No! If it had been five days you would have run out of oxygen life support and would have drowned!

Bonkava: Huh...

MBD123: Hey, does your PDA work under here?

Bonkava: I have a PDA? Uh... OK, I have a PDA. AND IT'S WATER-PROOF. Wait a second... I've got an email.

Email:
Dear Bonkavlad the Impaler,

Have you ever had your own band? I was just wondering, because I was thinking of starting up my own band, and I was wondering if you had any tips for me. Money or otherwise.

Sincerely,
Lufis McCormick

Bonkava: The impaler? Like, I stick things into people and people onto things to seriously harm them? Uh... let's go with something milder, like how about "English Failer"? That sounds good. Well, as a matter of fact, I did start a rap group one time...

(Massachusizzle house of rap)

Bonkava: If ever I go insane, dey gonna take away my brain, I gonna die in a choco-choco (die in a choco-choco) die in a choco-choco yeah, moth--

(Pool of chocolate)

Bonkava: And an alternative rock band...

(Massachusizzle house of rock)

Bonkava: When insanity comes around, inevitable, I'm probably gonna drown, inevitable, in a pool of chocolate sauce, inevita(falsetto)BILITY!

(Pool of chocolate)

MBD123: That didn't sound like alternative rock to me...

Bonkava: Well, you don't sound like alternative rock. Basically, the only tips I can give our don't overprice and don't... eat... moldy... cheese... before a show, or the... audience... will... hate you...

MBD123: Wait, that gives me a brilliant idea!

Bonkava: What?

MBD123: We will sing, and ride the sonic nuggets out of this tub!

Bonkava: Dude, that only works in Spongebob or Mario DDR.

MBD123: Hey, we're insane, and we're in a fake reality environment, so why not try it?

Bonkava: Better idea, I turn into Jibbersmickle, and fly us out of here.

MBD123: They've blocked off the top of the tank, it wouldn't work.

Bonkava: What about super strength?

MBD123: The material is indestructible, so even you couldn't destroy it.

Bonkava: Then how would riding on sound waves help?

MBD123: I don't know, let's try your way then!

Bonkava: OK. By combining the powers of insanity and reality, Superman and the milkman, I transform into JIBBERSMICKLE! (one of those snazzy transformation sequences from anime)

Jibbersmickle: HIYA! (flies into the wall of the tank)

Wall of the Tank: Do you have a song?

Jibbersmickle: Yeah, I can sing, sing a song, sing it loud, sing it strong, lalalalala.

Wall of the Tank: Fine, you can pass.

Jibbersmickle: See, MBD, what did I tell you?

(alarm goes off)

Alarm: WHOO-WOO! WHOO-WOO! TANK EXPLOSION IN SECTOR 12! COLD VACCINE DESTROYED!

MBD123: Yeah, what exactly did you tell me?

Jibbersmickle: JUST RUN!

(MBD123 and Jibbersmickle jump out of the tank and land on a random flying surfboard which they use to escape the vicinity)

Jibbersmickle: I can see the exit! Just a little further!

Alarm: LOCK ALL DOORS! SEARCH ALL CORRIDORS FOR THE PERPETRATOR!

Jibbersmickle: No!

MBD123: Let's sing a song and hope the door opens!

Jibbersmickle: We don't have much time before they come... uh... Do re mi fa so la ti do?

MBD123: Sing a better song!

Jibbersmickle: You think of a good song that's only five seconds long!

MBD123: Uh... uh... What's that?

(distant loud, hard rock music comes blasting into the door, and is succeeding in knocking it down. The music comes closer before quieting and slowing to a soft song, and before the know it hot beatz are coming jamming through the door, causing the entire building to shake around.)

MBD123: That would be Lufis and his band, you must have sent the email already! We're saved!

(The door busts open to reveal all of the moderators and admins with angry looks on their faces)

Teatime: Don't you know the forum rules?

Depressio: Seriously!

Bonkava: What did we do wrong?

potthole: You hinted at swear words!

Bonkava: When? When I called the audience a moth?

potthole: A moth? What kind of a nickname is that?

Bonkava: When they sway back and forth and look like they're flapping their wings.

potthole: To a rap song?

Bonkava: Oh, yes, pretending like rap songs are fundraising charities is the new in thing.

Mods: Ooooooooh, OK... wait... what?

Bonkava: JUST LET US OUT BEFORE THE SCIENTISTS CATCH US!

(Bonkava and MBD123 escape when they see Lufis and his band atop a music powered go-kart)

Bonkava: A music powered Go-Kart? That just sounds like a gimmick for time to tie back into the original email...

MBD123: You dare question the plot device?

(They go home)

Narrator: So Bonkava and MBD123 went home. They fought many monsters, had many an adventure, and grew fingernails on their backsides.

Bonkava: Wait, no we didn-

The End.

Moth: The new in thing.

Easter eggs: Click on MBD123 at the end to see a short scene with Bonkava and an angry fan
Fan: YOU DIDN'T EVEN GO TO THE MYSTICAL LIBRARY! OR GO INTO DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS! OR... ANYTHING!
Bonkava: Well, we went to the Mario DDR dimension of using music as a plot device.
Fan: BUt you... gaaaaaaaaaaah! This series is lame.

[MBD123]

Okay, when you use me as a guy who rarely appears you have to remember that im a midget with no neck or torso with red eyes, stick arms sprouting out of my head, and my tounge is always sticking out. MAN i gotta get that avatar back!

[Bonkava!]

Bonkmails #26: It's Not A Real Job (cookie to whoever gets the reference)

Bonkava: You must always have an adult supervising you if you are under 13 years of age, and do not swim for 30 years after email.

Email:
Dear Bonkava,
What does your name mean, how did you come up with it, and what's your favorite snack.

Censorly Yours,
MBD123

Bonkava: Oh, groan. It's him again. At least this email is legible. And may I ask why you care what my name means? Because you just got yourself into... I mean get to experience the wonderful joy of HISTORY TIME WITH BONKY!

Assorted soprano chorus: HISTORY TIME WITH BONKY!

Bass voice: He's here to tell you all about his-tooooooooor-eeeeeeeeeeey.

(cut to a cave wall)

Bonkava: (voiceover) For tens of tens of years, people have been studying the ways of Mesopotamians, Egyptians, scientologists, and Tom Kenny. However, deep inside an Aztec cave, an ancient drawing was made. (pan to drawing) The drawing showed three men. One was sitting in a throne. One was sitting in a tandem seat of the throne. The other was kneeling in front of the guy in the throne. Now, loosely translated by a first-year Ancient Aztec student, the inscription beneath went a little something like this:

(scene transition)

Throne guy: Foop, come here please!

Kneeling guy (Foop): What is it, your majesty?

Throne Guy: Bonkava is hungry and would like grapes!

Foop: But Barca, we don't have any grapes!

Barca: What? No grapes?

Foop: In fact, I'm not entirely sure I know what a grape is...

Barca: Why, they're used to make wine! Haven't you ever heard of Mexican wine?

Foop: No, sir.

Barca: Well, Fountains of Wayne even wrote a song about it.

Foop: I'm sorry sir, what was that? Who's Wayne and why does he have fountains? And how did the fountains write a song?

Barca: Foop, stop acting as if we're in the year 2,000,000 B.C.(E.)

Foop: Uh... B.C.?

Barca: It stands for Before C(ommon Era)hrist! Jesus, I thought everyone knew that.

Foop: What's Christ, and how come I've never heard the expletive "Jesus" before?

Barca: Do you even know what year it is?

Foop: No, but it's day 146000000000000.

Barca: Fine, well, anyway, get him some grapes.

Foop: I'll do my best.

Bonkava: Hey, Barca, uh... what's a grape?

Barca: I have no idea. I'm trying to be avant-garde.

Bonkava: So, essentially you sent Foop on a wild goose chase.

Barca: Yeah.

(meanwhile...)

Foop: Oh, row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream! Hmm, I wonder how long it will be until I get to Rome.... Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

(back at the throne place)

Bonkava: Another question, Barca, why am I a higher rank than Foop?

Barca: Because, young one, you've got the skillz to pay the billz.

Bonkava: Excuse me?

Barca: Oh, I'm just being avant-garde again.

Bonkava (present voice over): When Foop got to Rome, the girls were all over him (cut to Rome).

Random Roman girl: Oh, Johnny.

Foop: Uh... my name's Foop.

Random Roman girl: Oh. What kind of a name is Foop? It sounds like the name of rat crap!

Bonkava (present voice over): And that's how crap became a term for excrement.

(back to present day)

Bonkava: All three people depicted in this picture became reincarnated many times. Foop became a character in the hot new video game, "Kid Speedy". I'm me, of course, and Barca became some kind of drug-dealing sports manager.

(cut back to my computer room)

Bonkava: Of course, Bonkava isn't my real name. It wasn't his either. It stood for "Barca's Officially Named Kid and Vague Assistant". I don't know why Barca called him vague, or why it became his "official name", but I guess it's the same reason Barca could see into the future. Well, that's it for today. Email me, or PM me, or IM me, or Snail-mail me, or...

Frostey: Wait! You didn't answer the rest of his question!

Bonkava: Pff, why do I care if some little kid doesn't know what my favorite snack is. I'm going to Starbucks to get an iced latte and a muffin. Seeya.

Frostey: Why an iced latte and a muffin?

Bonkava: Because that's my favorite snack!

Icee Fudge Sickle: And I am my own favorite snack.

Frostey (leaning in from left): You really don't need screen time.

The End

Easter Eggs:

Click on Frostey's head to make Frostey say, "Why are you clicking on stuff? Are you like, hoping for some more cartoon or something?"

[Homestarguy]

This is some great stuff! Keep it up, keep up the pace! 9/10

Oh and BTW, I'm not good at those referency-type deals, so no cookie for me...

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails #27: Hobbies

Bonkava: Crample o' style. My new album drops next sursdai, y'all biscuitheads!

Email:
Dear Baklava,

What hobbies do you like to partake in?

From,

Hamstrayguy

Bonkava: Well, normally I'd make fun of you for misspelling my name, then get hecka ticked the frick off. However, I won't, because you apparently don't know how to spell your own name. Anyway, my favorite hobby of all time is "pieces of obscure action figure collecting". Come with me.

(cut to a large shelf)

Bonkava: So, I've been working on this for a long time... and I did not just make it in the scene transition.

(Show a bare, plastic leg)

Bonkava: As you can see here, I got the only Spider Man figure in existence that the factory forgot to put pants on. So, I took off the leg and put it here.

Frostey: Bonkava, that's just a Barbie leg you stole from your sister's bedroom.

Bonkava: No... It's Peter Parker's pantsless leg! And here, you can see what G.I.Joe's head would look like if he were left in the kiln for too long.

Frostey: And right there where he's pointing, you can see a piece of charcoal from his dad's barbecue.

Bonkava: Please, Fresty, Mr. Hamstrayguy needs to see my hobboz.

Frostey: But... you don't have any hob-

Bonkava: I SAID SHUT UP!

Icee Fudge Sickle: No... no you didn't...

Bonkava: And why are you here?

IFS: I'm here to see your collection.

Bonkava: Very well then. Now here is what Barbie's boyfriend Ken's head would like if it was made a superman action figure company.

IFS: Oooooooooooh. Very intriguing. But why did the superman company make a Ken doll?

Frostey: Because. It's not the Superman action figure company.

Bonkava: I don't know what you're talking about. Moving on.

(cut to a Mr. Potato Head arm)

Bonkava: And here, you can see the smallest action figure in existence. Tada! A little white stick thing with a giant hand!

Frostey: Bonkava, you just... ah, forget it.

Bonkava (voiceover): I'm part of the swim team.

(cut to a swimming pool)

Coach: OK, Bonkava, you can do this. Just get in the water and BEAT THE ENEMY!

Bonkava: OK!

(Bonkava goes into the other lane and physically pounds on the other team)

Other Team: HELP HELP WE'RE BEING HARASSED!

Bonkava (voiceover): And I work as a personal trainer.

(cut to a gym)

Bonkava: Uh-oh, I'm almost out of pound cake. Be right back.

Trainee: But where are you going?

Bonkava: The bakery!

Trainee: But you need to spot me!

Bonkava: Spot yourself!

Trainee: O... K... (gets crushed by weight)

Bonkava (voiceover): And in my spare time, I clean up at the park.

(cut to a park)

Bonkava: Ooooooooh, I'm so bored.

Male voice from off-screen: Maybe you should have thought about that before you wrote on the bathrooms.

Bonkava: I didn't write on the bathrooms!

Male voice: Yeah, that's what they all say. Get back to your community service.

Bonkava (voiceover): And when I'm not writing e-mails, I appear as guest characters in MBDmails.

MBD123: Let's go to mars!

Bonkava: No let's not go to mars!

MBD123: I said let's go to mars!

Bonkava: I don't want to go to mars.

MBD123: Come on, go to mars with me!

Bonkava: Why do you want to go to mars?

MBD123: The end. Email me!

Bonkava (voiceover): And once I co-starred in a movie called Go-Fish (or how I learned to stop worrying and love the hook).

Teatime: Let's go fishing!

Mackiest: Yeah, great idea!

Bonkava: Uh-oh, I'm cramping.

Bonkava (voiceover): But my favorite hobby of all is just answering emails. Lemme hear you say "Awwww..."

(cut to computer room)

Ran: y???

Bonkava: Well, because... because I was talking to the computer, that's why!

Ran: O.

Bonkava: So, email me, and I will probably respond with hilarity.

The End.

[Homestarguy]

Good stuff! I liked the personal trainer part. 9.5/10

Can't wait till the next one!




Gonna get me some baklava now...

[Bonkava!]

BonkMails Untitled Short: Part of the BHZ Forum Revival.

(a really dirty computer room is shown)

(Zelos walks in from the left side of the screen)

(Zelos looks around)

(Zelos sees Bonkava!)

(Bonkava! walks over to Zelos)

Bonkava: Who are you?

Zelos: I'm you... from the future.

Bonkava: And why are you here?

Zelos: Because if I don't talk to you right here right now...

Bonkava: Yes?

Zelos: SMELLS LIKE ... EMAIL! WILL EXPLODE!

Bonkava: What... the crap?

Zelos: No, I'm serious. When a section gets so inactive that no one goes there anymore... it just *poof* vanishes!

Bonkava: That's ludicrous. I mean, if that's true, than why hasn't Super Fun Games n Such gone yet?

Zelos: Oh. It will. It will in approximately... five minutes. Oh, and by the way, THIS is Ludicris.

Bonkava: OHMIGOSH! We need to do something to save this forum.

Rather on Fire: I agree.

Bonkava: S...super.... Super Sonic X? Where'd you come from?

RoF: Oh, I'm not... I'm not Super Sonic X.

Bonkava: You look... just like him.

RoF: Yeah, I was him. In a... past life.

Bonkava: OK, this is getting really creepy.

Zelos: We just have to warn you... if you don't do something and enlist help, then the forum will die completely!

Bonkava: Wait, what's going to happen?

Zelos: You'll see...

(Zelos slowly drifts away)

(Bonkava is shown jolting awake from his bed)

Bonkava: Um... I've got to lay off the marshmallows.

FUN FACT:

I was originally going to use Shake Your Money Maker, but the *CLEAN* version of that video seems to have disappeared from youtube, so I used the most PG-rated Ludacris song I knew.

[Rather On Fire]

Wait, do boards really disappear after too much inactivity?

Also, thanks for the little reference! 

[Bonkava!]

Um... no. If they did, Sightings would be long gone.

[Homestarguy]

Actually, Thing in a Bag would be the first to go.

Good little sigh of life in this forum. Well done!