-burnMails- #23-Super

[daBurninator]

BurnMail #23 – Super

-dB walks into his room, only to find Hammer on his computer.

DB: Hey, Threepsilon, what’re you doing on my computer?

Hammer: Making a yutmund.
 
DB: …

Hammer: You know, a Y-T-M-N-D?

DB: …

Hammer: Watch…

-Hammer puts in the info for his site, and uploads it. This loads up.

DB: That’s horrible.

Hammer: Shut up.

-Hammer gets up and leaves, stomping his feet. DB opens up his e-mail.

---
Greetings and Hello Commrade Burns,

I was wondering, what's so "super" about being a "Super Mod"?

Over and out!

~Curious Chaz
---

dB: Well, Basically, if you’re a super mod, you get an awesome custom title. Mine says “Super Mod.” Also, your forum rank stars turn into 10 blue ones.

-dB pauses for about 10 seconds

dB: Yeah, that’s basically it. 

-dB suspiciously looks from side to side

dB: And, now…I must….go…

-dB runs off screen. The camera chases him, hiding when dB looks back. DB walks to the FGBS Pit, looks around, and then opens a hidden door in the ground. He goes down into it, and the camera follows cautiously. It’s pitch black for a few minutes, but then all of the Moderators become visible. Food and drinks are on long tables. Music is blaring through huge speakers, and the mods are playing video games, dancing, talking, and watching huge TV’s.

dB: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late.

Teatime: Hey, that’s fine, we haven’t started anything yet.

-HSRT walks up

HSRT:  Yeah, why haven’t we started yet?

Teatime: I dunno.

-Potthole walks out of the bathroom, some toilet paper stuck on his shoe.

PH: We may begin.

-Everyone cheers.

Beth: Okay, what’s on today’s schedule?

-She takes out a small notepad and reads aloud:

Beth: Okay…last time, we decided that someone should be banned, but we had to leave before we decided who. You know what that means…

-Everyone cheers as a giant wheel is lowered to the floor. On the wheel are faces of many BHZ members.

Potthole: Okay, who wants to choose this time?

-Everyone starts yelling things like “Me! ME!!!” and “I do, I do.”

Potty: Hmm…okay, Depressio can pick this time, he hasn’t done it in a while.

Depressio: Woohoo!

-The mods blindfold Depressio and spin him around a few times. Potthole spins the wheel and Depressio is handed a dart. ‘Pressio throws the dart and everyone waits for the wheel to slow down. When it does, they see that the dart landed on Rclock’s space. Everyone cheers, and seconds later, Rclock is seen being dragged through the Mod Party by 2 huge guard-type guys. They throw him in a cell and the far end of the room. In the cells next to him are the members who’ve been banned in the past.

Potthole: Okay, on to the next issue: We’ve decided that we should let Edge out for a little while again.

-The screen quickly pans back to the cages, where Rclock was thrown. In the cage next to him is Edge, hyperventilating, with bulging eyes.

Potthole: After he causes a ruckus, we’ll throw him back in there. That way, the members stay paranoid.

-Everyone cheers again.

-Suddenly, on the TV’s, a reporter is shown.

Reporter: We interrupt the current show to bring you a breaking news story. 5 children between the ages of 6 and 11 were severely injured during a curling accident earlier today.

Potthole: Oh em gee! Sports?!

-Potty turns up the volume.

 Reporter: It seems that during the Olympics, these 5 children were playing tag when they darted across the ice. The curling stones smacked into the first couple kids, and the ones in back tripped over the front 2. Paramedics rushed to the scene and all children are in the hospital and are expected to recover.

Potty: Today is truly a sad day in the world of sports. This meeting is over.

-Potthole sadly walks away, and everyone starts leaving, slightly confused.

Homstar: Well, that meeting was lame.

ACP: I know, let’s go mess with people’s posts!

-Cheering commences, and the mods run off to edit some posts.

-On his way out, dB sees the camera. He blinks, and lets out a “Crap.” The camera stops, leaving static for a few minutes.

~Thend.

[potthole]

Ok, I literally have tears coming out of my eyes, because I'm laughing so hard.  This has got to be my favorite e-mail of all time, regardless of which thread it's from.

The whole "Mod Party" was just great, especially considering nothing of great importance ever does really happen in the mod section.  The method of choosing who to ban- I think we should pick that one up!     The whole Edge thing, about letting him out for a bit to keep people paranoid- great!

And then of course, my whole "sports" spiel at the end.  In a way, you nailed me right on, if I'm in a room, and I hear something about sports on the TV/radio, I'll immediately go and turn it up.

"This is truly a sad day in the world of sports.  This meeting is over."

[that_lufis]

Awesome, I'm on the wheel with all the other celebrities.

Deliscious.

[Depressio]

That email was between 99 and 100 percent accurate to what goes on in the mod section.

Awesome work as always, deeusBeeus.

[stix]

*emgerges from hole*

Well, your email skills are still top notch. I enjoyed this email like a delicious brownie.

*crawls back into hole*

[stix]

Alright folks, in order to liven up this dump to a degree I've decided to release the forgotten stixmail that I made years ago perhaps thinking I would start my own burnmails spinoff.  I resisted the urge to edit it and here it is for your enjoyment: the forgotten stix0rsmail. (Thanks to daburninator for most of the secrets.)


stixmail #0 - Eating Disorder


Some people check emails. Some people check females.   Well, I check emails. Whatchoogoin’ do?

Beginning with the

Dear Stix0rs:

Why are you so skinny? Do you have some eating disorder? Is it family genes that keep you skinny? 'Cause I've seen you inhale a whole 50-lb steak once, and you didn't gain any weight at all....

-Dubz

SM: First things first, Dubz. Though Stix0rs sounds freakin’ awesome, my name is, and has been since a recent legal dispute south of the border, El Senor Stickly Perez Frederico Chavez.  If you checked my highly controversial yet thrilling and captivating blog you’d know that.  I mean come on.  Some adoring fan you are, mister little “z”.

*dB walks by and notices SM checking an email on his computer

dB:  Hey stix, is it just me, or are you checking an email?  …ooon a computer that hasn’t existed since before the dawn of time?

SM:  (Shakes head) *ahem!*

dB: Oh yeah.. I mean… Mr. Chavez.

SM:  That’s much better.  And I’m no stranger to sarcasm.  For your information, this computer is only about … 30 years old.

dB:  …and in the computer world that translates to about 500 years. Hah.  And how do you even have internet on that thing? I don’t even think it existed back when that computer came out.

SM:  Well actually I turn it on and let it sit around, hoping that someone walks by and types something.  I got lucky this time.  I sure wonder who this Dubz is.

dB: Yeah… you keep workin on that.  I’m gonna go see whats freakin wrong with the little blue guy we sometimes call Jake.  He was ranting about some sort of government conspiracy that messes with sprinkler systems.

SM: Alright… have fun with that. Now where were we.  Oh yes… why I’m skinny.  Its quite a tale, mind you.  A tale as old as this box here I call a computer.  And I guess I’m gonna have to jump on the email thread bandwagon and do a cute lil’ flashback.

(oh yeah. It’s a flashback)

*Stickly Man, his brother Thickly Man and his parents are sitting at the dinner table eating, well, dinner*

SM: Woah mom, this steak is really good!  Probably the best dinner you’ve ever cooked!

StickMom: Well, I’m glad you like it honey, go ahead and have some more if you’d like.

SM: Will do! (SM begins voraciously devouring several steaks.  His mom and dad look on in horror)

SMom: Don’t eat too fast, junior your friend lil’ burninator is coming over to play later, and we still want you to be able to move your limbs!

SM: Don’t worry mom.  Somehow I’m able to eat large amounts of food, and nothing ever happens.  I don’t know why I stay so skinny.  Its definitely not the genes, if you know what I mean.  It probably isn’t the jeans either!

SMom: Then where does it all go honey? It has to go somewhere!

SM: Well, my theory is it’s magically transported to some alternate universe where people use it to provide for their alien families. 

SMom and SDad: …

TM:  Yeah, Mom, this has to be the third time I’ve asked this today. Is he adopted? I swear he’s not like any of us… normal, and at the same time, large people.

SMom: Be nice thickly! He’s still your brother.

SDad: (Interrupts) No… wait… he’s uh, got a point there.   

(Flash back--- to the present!)

SM: It went on and on like that for 9 straight years.  Then I decided to move out and not take no mish mash anymore! I was gonna strike it rich with sound financial planning and cornering the stock market.  Oh yes it was all set for me.  After one short meeting with the president I was off—

dB: And then you ended up running into me and begging you to give you a box to live in.  Which… by the way, you REALLY should think about cleaning.
SM: I thought you were out calming down spaz-tastic out there.

dB: Well I was, but you hit the button for the intercom SBG set up, and your story was just too unbearable, I had to stop it.

SM: So what happened to Jake th—
 
*Suddenly jake comes crashing through the ceiling, landing on stickly man’s box.  He’s wearing a red cape, an orange shirt, and a santa hat*

IJ: Vengance will be Rudolph! To the bat cave! *Jake runs off*

*A fuming, shirtless potthole scrambles through with his red eyes set on jake*

PH: Alright. This REALLY is the last straw.  You toucha the shirt, I breaka yo face, Mario.

dB: Uh oh… NO JAKE! Not mother’s china! * He runs after as well *

~CRASH!~

Stickly just sits there, aghast at the site of his broken home.

SM: And I only had ONE MORE mortgage payment.  And my insurance here doesn’t cover damaged box-homes.

Gir around the corner laughs, and suddenly explodes for no apparent reason.

SM: Well, there you have it, person.  If I had a memory that lasted longer than 5 minutes, I would have remembered your name, and your question.  So remember kids. Stay skinny.  Eat large steaks.  And seriously… never move in with a one-armed dragon, a no-armed santa-man, some tape guy, a blue blob thing, and a spontaneously combusting green-guy.  Yeah, that’s about enough to deter even the craziest spaz.  Or… is it….

Teh endz

[daBurninator]

That's pretty saucesome, Stix. Weird how you used Chavez for your name, because I've been using that as a joke screenname recently. And thanks for reminding me that this thread ia a dump.

[Gir]

This is incredibly late, but River Stix, that was great. 10/10

Oh and DB your flash characters thingy is broken.