Crafton Mails -> Um.

[Mr. Teatime]

I’m deciding to get back into the email thread business. This time, however, I’m gunna do things a little differently. Instead of re-opening Awexome Mails, I’d like to start a new thread: Crafton Mails. The cast of my old series, The Crafton Files, returns, this time with computers. The catch: I’m willing to accept emails aimed towards ANY of the characters, and that character will answer it in his or her unique way. I’ve also thrown in some BHZ-related figures for good measure. I’m also toying around the idea of writing the emails in a novel-based way, with dialogue and narration, rather than a play-based way. I haven’t totally decided yet, though.

Acc Nyee: When Acc found out about this strange thing called an “email thread,” he realized he was the perfect candidate for one. Pale, skinny, and with a seething hatred for sunlight, Acc is a level 10 shadow sorcerer in Dungeons and Dragons…and not much else. Due to the powerful aura of sheer geek he emanates, he is often considered the leader of his friends.

Fro: A mysterious person, Fro is the lovable idiot. He rooms with Acc at Crafton Community College, stands at about 4 feet, 5 if you include his large, blue pointy hair-do. He’s apt to make mistakes; guaranteed, in fact, but no matter what he seems to do, no matter how much trouble he can get everyone else into, he’s still a crowd favorite. Come on, he’s like a puppy dog. Or one of those troll dolls. No, he does not have a last name.

Stefan McEvilPerson: Stefan is 300 pounds of pure, concentrated hatred. And pizza. When not scheming to take over the world or murder Jack, Stefan can be found hanging around Acc discussing any manner of pointless nerd banter. Or eating at Hot Buns, a sandwich shop that he alone has helped thrive for years.

Jack O’Conner: Another huge nerd, Jack is room mates with Stefan, his mortal enemy, and best friends with Fro. Although he is a nerd at heard, he would sooner die than admit it. He also has a very gruff exterior and acts tough towards his friends, but he’s really a sweetie at heart and can usually be trust to do the right thing when conflict arises.

C’pn Keenan No-Hand: Owner of the popular sandwich shop Hot Buns, Keenan was a happy-go-lucky kinda guy until an unfortunate mishap with the alternate reality version of himself left him without his right hand. He still tries to be as happy and optimistic as possible, which really annoys everyone else. And despite all he’s done for everybody, he’s by far the most taken-advantage-of person in Crafton. He doesn’t seem to mind, though. If he has a last name, no one’s ever cared enough to ask what it is.

“Virginia”: Spawned from the most evil pits of the earth, Virginia is a mysterious young girl with unimaginable power at her disposal. With the ability to level cities with a wave of her hand, it’s very unfortunate for Acc that she’s developed a dislike of him. He’s managed to survive her this long, however, with the help of his friends.

Sallie Peaches: Being one of the very rare Nerd Females, Acc, Stefan and Jack have all developed crushes on her. As it is, however, she shows no interest in any one of them. If anything, she seems to have a thing for Fro, who’s too oblivious of the world around him to notice.

Jordan Mackiest: A devout follower of Stefan, Jordan worships the ground he walks on. Stefan is very creeped out by this. Jordan has a good heart, though, and enjoys his video games to such a degree that Acc can’t help but admire him.

Lufis McCormick: A strange homeless man who seems to think he lives in an RPG, Lufis wanders the streets of Crafton giving advice to troubled people (for a modest fee, of course). Sometimes it’s terribly apparent he has no idea what he’s talking about, other times what he says seems to work, whether by complete coincidence or not. His staff and robes are cool.

Lord Jonathan Xavier Teatime XIII: Supposedly the devious force behind “Virginia”, not much is known about this figure, except that he has one particular hobby: mass destruction.

[Snakewater]

Yay! Teatime's emailing again! I can't wait. So, there'll be some emails with BHZ characters in them? coughSNAKEWATERcough. I could be, like a snake. Who people make fun of. That could be cool, right?

[Mr. Teatime]

   Fro sat at his desk studying, a very rare occasion indeed for him, until he slowly yet surely became aware that someone had been jabbing him between the shoulder blades with a letter opener for the past several hours.
   “What? WHAT? WHAAAAAT!?!?!?” he screamed, turning around, and slamming his large text book shut. He paused a moment, then realized he had slammed the book shut with his hand inside it, and let out a long “ooowwww.”
   “Ah, good, I’ve got your attention,” said Acc, hoisting a video camera onto his shoulder and focusing the lens on Fro.
   “What are you doing, kid?” snapped Fro. “I’ve been pretending to study all night, just to see if I accidentally learn something!”
   “This is Fro,” Acc said, more to himself than his roommate. “Tell us a little something about yourself. Be creative. Do something zany. Get into some generic Fro hijinks. Say a cah-razy catch phrase.”
   “…Get out of my room?”
   “No, no. The other catch phrase.”
   “Wait, I have a catch phrase? …And did you say ‘cah-razy?’”
   “Fro, I’m starting an email thread, and the peoples wanna know about you characters,” explained Acc.
   “The peoples?”
   “So in order to get my email thread rolling, I’m going to record a little something about everyone so the peoples can learn more about them and have an easier time understand this email thread,” continued Acc.
   “No, seriously. Peoples? What peoples?”
   “I think your sheer obliviousness is all they need,” muttered Acc. He shut off the video camera. “I’m gunna go find Stefan.”
   Acc walked out of the room. Fro looked around for a moment, his eyes darting from side to side. He slowly looked under his desk.
   “If there are any peoples down there, you better stop stalking me,” he snapped. “I’m on to you!”

   Acc entered dorm room Stefan lived in, the video camera taking in everything on the way, including a man falling down a flight of stairs and landing on an ill-placed cactus, which Acc heartily intended to post on every Internet forum he could find. Stefan was eating pasta straight out of a deep-dish pan. Several other large pans lay scattered across the floor.
   “Acc, my com…hold on a moment…” Stefan reared back his head and belched with such ferocity the building shook around them, “…rade,” he finished. “What’s up?”
   “I’m filming the antics of all you people for my up-and-coming email thread,” explained Acc once again. “Lemme try to get all of you onto the screen…can you back up a bit?”
   Stefan complied by standing up and moving back. “Little more,” motioned Acc. Stefan stepped back further. “Liiiitle more. Just a tad bit more. Keep going. Keep going…wait for it…wait for it…almost…ok, I’ve got most of you on there. Good enough.” By this point, Stefan’s face could hardly be seen.
   “Now what?” asked Stefan.
   “Do that thing where you slap your stomach and your whole body ripples!” asked Acc excitedly.
   “…I don’t wanna.”
   “Come on, it’ll be fun!”
   Stefan sighed and lifted up part of his shirt, about to grudgingly do the trick. At this moment the door to the room opened again, and in walked Jack, Stefan’s much-hated roommate. He looked from Acc with the video camera, to Stefan with lifted shirt, back to Acc.
   “Oh…dear…God…”
   “Oh, um, hi, Jack…” stuttered Acc.
   “Hijack?” asked Stefan.
   “Yeah…um, if you’re gunna do that, lock the door.” Jack turned tail and walked back out.

   Out in the hallway, Fro ran up to Jack, panting and looking around nervously.
   “Yo, my little hair-ed friend,” greeted Jack, stopping.
   “Look out!” hissed Fro. “The ‘peoples’ are everywhere. They’re out to find out as much about us as they possibly can! Trust no one!” Fro ran off, pausing only to scream, “I’M ON TO YOU!” in Keenan’s face as he went by. Keenan looked around oddly, and then walked over to Jack.
   “What’s his deal?” he asked.
   “I’ve no idea.” There was a strange moment of silence, then Jack screamed, “TELL YOUR PEOPLES THEY WON’T LEARN A BLOODY THING ABOUT US!” and he ran past Keenan, knocking him over.

   “Ok…anyways,” coughed Acc, looking back at Stefan. Stefan was now wearing a hat with a spinney red and white circle attached to it. “Er…what’s that thing on your head?”
   “What thing?” asked Stefan innocently. He spun the circle and lunged forwards. “Now then, America…I am Stefan McEvilPerson! You are unable to resist my amazing powers of hypnosis! When I snap my fingers, you will all bow down and worship ME as your supreme lord and master! AHAHAHA!” Stefan snapped his fingers.
   “Ok, first of all this isn’t live,” commented Acc, “and second of all I ran out of battery power right after you said ‘America.’ Good thing too. You really shouldn’t say your last name on the internet.”
   Stefan’s eye began to twitch.
   “Well then, peoples, looks like that’s all we’ve got for today,” Acc said. “Feel free to start emailing any of the characters by sending Mr. Teatime a Private Message. Until then-”
   “Ok, if this isn’t live, who are you talking to?” snapped Stefan.
   There was a pause as Acc contemplated this.
   Suddenly the door burst open and Fro and Jack ran in wielding baseball bats.
   “He’s talking to the peoples! I heard him!” shouted Fro.
   “GET THEM!” screamed Jack.
   Acc tried to run, but seeing as how Stefan took up most of the room, there was nowhere to go. “Aah! Ow! Stop! There are no peoples! Just the viewers! THAT DOESN’T BEND THAT WAY…”

[that_lufis]

Hah. Those cah-razy Crafton Kids.

[The Red Dragon]

YAY!

Teatime's email threads + The Crafton Files + BHZ members = BETTER THAN ME! I am so glad to see the return of both Teatime brand e-mails and TCF. I will so send some emails... but to WHO?! ...Or whom. I forget. Also, Snakewater, he already mentioned the members that would be in it. Although "Stinkoman K" must have slipped his mind.

[Faded]

Great to have Teatime emailin' it up again!

Rock rock on.

[Mr. Teatime]

   AUTHOR’S NOTE: I tried writing in the official narrative style. I couldn’t get very far. I find that for email threads, the more common play style is just easier and more fun to work with. So sorry for confusing you with the opening toon, but this thread shall be written in the style of all the others.

Email #1: Competition

(Acc sits at the computer. He is sweating nervously.)

ACC: Alright…my first ever email in my email-thread…lessee here…lucky underwear?

(He looks behind himself, and snaps up his underwear. He nods his head in contentment.)

ACC: Check. Computer?

(He stares ahead at the computer for a few moments.)

ACC: Check. Hand for typing?

(He thoroughly inspects his right hand.)

ACC: Check. Hand for scratching self under armpit?

(He does the same to his left hand.)

ACC: Seems everything is in order…Now then…


Yo Acc,

A while ago a read how these people played a live-action game of Pac-Man in New York. They ran around the on the sidewalks, and one guy would get points as he reached certain corners and stuff. You guys should totally do that. Only, pick a cooler game. Who wants to run around as Pac-Man.

All your base our belong to me,
Stinkoman K.


ACC: Ok, whoa. Did you just dis Pac-Man? We were, like…the tightest of homies back in elementary school. Yes. We referred to ourselves as homies at age 6.

(Cut to a toddler Acc and a Pac-Boy sitting in a sand box. Acc is gleefully hitting the sand with a shovel repeatedly.)

TODDLER ACC: Hitting things is fun!

(Pac-Boy smiles for a moment, with a ‘^.^’ like look on it’s face. Then it lunges forwards and begins gnawing on Acc’s head.)

ACC: Ahh…good days. Good days…

(He looks around. Utilizing his left hand, he scratches under his armpit.)

ACC: Now what? Is that it?

(Acc looks around. He checks his watch, and whistles nonchalantly.)

ACC: Well, good first email if I do say so myself…

(He turns back to the computer. There’s a message on the screen that reads, ‘do you enjoy irony? YES/NO.’ Acc shrugs and clicks yes. Suddenly Stefan bursts down the door wearing a large yellow shirt.)

ACC: Was breaking the door down truly necessary?

STEFAN: Yes.

ACC: What’s with the shirt? That is SO not your color.

STEFAN: SILENCE, WOMAN. I’m getting to that! You and me are gunna join up the Annual Crafton Real Life Pac-Man Tournament, aka the ACRLPMT.

ACC: Wait, annual? How come I’ve never heard of this before?

STEFAN: It’s a once in a lifetime event!

ACC: How can something annual be a-

STEFAN: DO NOT QUESTION MY ALMIGHTY KNOWLEDGE! The tournament is this afternoon. The yellow shirt is my INGENIOUS PLAN to imitate Pac-Man. You’ll be wearing one too. The objective is for the two of us to have a tag-team run around Crafton eating yellow circles Keenan made for the event. The team that devours the most dots wins.

ACC: Sounds dumb and stupid. COUNT ME IN! Lemme just fix this door…

(Acc goes to place the door back in its hinges, when it’s knocked down again, and this time Jordan rushes in.)

JORDAN: Guys! You’re signing up for the Pac-Man competition? Let me help! I can help! I’m good at helping!

STEFAN: …Who are you?

JORDAN: I’m Jordan! I’m your biggest fan! I’ve read all your books on destroying all forms of government and rising as an all-powerful monarch of the world!

STEFAN: You mean those notes I wrote on the backs of those napkins?

JORDAN: Yes. I had to break into your house and rummage through your garbage, but I think it was well worth it, don’t you?

(Stefan takes a step backwards.)

ACC: Sorry, but I think it’s only teams of 2 in the competition. We really don’t need your help.

JORDAN: Fine. Fine. I can see when I’m not wanted.

(He stands there for a few moments longer, Acc and Stefan staring at him.)

STEFAN: You do realize you’re not wanted right now, right?

JORDAN: What? …OH NO I’M BLIND!

(Jordan runs out of the room clutching his eyes.)


LATER THAT EVENING.


ACC: What the…that was weird! We were just standing in my room, then all of a sudden it’s later on and we’re out here?

STEFAN: Ah yes, the segue. I’ve read about those. Very common in email threads.

ACC: So where’s this other team?

(Virginia runs up. Acc and Stefan gasp.)

ACC & STEFAN: VIRGINIA!

VIRGINIA: No! I’m not here yet! Look over there!

(She waves her arms frantically. Then she claps her hands, and a large explosion of smoke appears next to her. A jazz band pops into existence. She claps her hands again, and disappears in a puff of fire. She then walks back through the fire, the jazz band playing madly.)

VIRGINIA: Sorry, a good entrance is important. You may now gasp in horror.

ACC & STEFAN: VIRGINIA!

VIRGINIA: Yes, it is I! I am here to slaughter you in this tournament!

STEFAN: Yeah, well, we’ve got yellow shirts! We’re like real versions of Pac-Man!

(Virginia claps her hands. Another blaze of fire shoots up next to her. Nothing else happens.)

VIRGINIA: FRO!

FRO: What?

VIRGINIA: Jump through the fire!

FRO: I dun’ wanna.

VIRGINIA: Come on, it’ll be fun!

FRO: No. It’ll hurt. I actually paid attention the first day of chemistry once, when we were going over safety stuff. That and I’ve been set on fire before. Multiple times.

VIRGINIA: I’ve made you fire-proof. It won’t hurt at all.

FRO: Really?

VIRGINIA: Yeah, sure. Whatever. Now jump through!

(Fro jumps through the fire, and lands in a triumphant pose on the other side, completely ablaze. A few moments pass before he collapses to the ground and begins rolling around in pain.)

FRO: AAAHHH! AHHHHHAHAHHHH!!! OH DEAR LORD THE PAIN! THE PAAAAIIIIN!!!!!

ACC: Should someone help him?

VIRGINIA: Give it a few more moments.

FRO: OOOOW! OOOWWWW!!!! WHY DOES IT HURT! I’M FIRE PROOF! SOMEONE MUST NOT HAVE SENT THE MEMO TO THE FIRE!

(Virginia waves her hand and the fire goes out. Fro stands up, panting. Virginia snickers and waves her hand again, re-igniting Fro. He falls to the ground screaming some more, until Virginia releases him again due to some disapproving looks from Acc and Stefan.)

VIRGINIA: Eesh. You guys don’t know how to have any fun.

(Now that he is no longer on fire, it is easy to see what he is wearing.)

STEFAN: AAHH! Acc! He…he…he’s wearing a yellow shirt! HE STOLE OUR REAL LIVE PAC-MAN IDEA!

(Keenan walks up. Due to his right hand having been detached, in its place he carried a plastic vise into which many different handy tools could be placed. Currently he had a white flag fixed into it.)

KEENAN: Are these the 2 teams? Alright, glad you could make it. I’ve placed edible yellow dots all over the city at certain checkpoints. You must run around, find the dots, and eat as many as you can. Whoever eats the most, wins.

VIRGINIA: Alright, Fro. It’s an eating game. We’re gunna have a lot on our hands with Stefan to contend with. Leave him to me. You follow Acc and beat him to all the points.

FRO: What’s the reward for all this?

KEENAN: Personal fulfillment?

FRO: Big words. Hmm. Just say money.

KEENAN: Money?

FRO: Hurrah! I’ll do my best, scary lady!

KEENAN: Ready…

(Keenan lifts the white flag attached to his arm. He drops it swiftly.)

KEENAN: GO!

(Jazz music plays. Stefan runs off. At the prospect of eating, a fat man can amaze anyone with his speed. Virginia frowns, and waves her arms. She instantly re-appears right by the first yellow dot.)

VIRGINIA: They forget that I contain infinite power!

(Stefan lunges forwards with his head extended. He grabs the yellow ball with his teeth in mid-lunge and swallows it before he this the ground.)

VIRGINIA: RAAAH!

STEFAN: Mmm…lemony. Like some sort of detergent.

KEENAN: Crap, who told him the secret ingredient?

(Jazz music is still playing. Meanwhile, Acc is searching for a dot of his own. He comes across Lufis, standing at the side of the street. He’s holding one of the dots.)

ACC: Lufis! I need that!

LUFIS: But it smells wonderful…like some sort of detergent.

(Fro runs up.)

FRO: Hey, you. Guy. Person. Gimme yellow thing.

LUFIS: No, it’s mine. I found it first. Unless you’re, uh, willing to trade some green for this yellow…

(Acc sighs, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a wallet. He hands over $20 to Lufis. Lufis pockets it. Fro searches around in his pockets.)

FRO: All I have is this little green plant…

LUFIS: Really? That’s the type of green I meant! I am a hippy, after all. Here you go.

(Lufis hands Fro the yellow dot.)

LUFIS: Oh, and thanks for the money, Acc. Eeheehee!

(Lufis runs off. Fro, apparently losing interest, drops the yellow dot on the ground and walks off.)

ACC: Oh. Well. That was easy.

(Acc bends over to pick up the dot, when his hand is stepped on. He looks up to see Jack smirking down at him.)

JACK: Whatcha doin’?

ACC: Eating…dots?

(Jack bends down and picks up the dot. He eats it.)

ACC: Ahh! I needed that to win!

JACK: Tastes pretty weird. I feel like my stomach is clean, though. So clean that some loud annoying guy would base an infomercial off of it. I think I want more of these dots.

ACC: You’re not in the game! You’ll ruin everything!

JACK: Eh? I don’t care!

(Jack runs off. Acc sighs and goes a different direction.)


(Fro is absentmindedly walking along. There is an explosion of fire, and Virginia appears before him, seething with anger.)

VIRGINIA: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

FRO: Eh?

VIRGINIA: You’ve obviously forgotten the game plan, because I can assure you, the game plan does NOT involve DROPPING THE DOTS AND WALKING AWAY!

FRO: Who?

VIRGINIA: GAH! Well, you know what they say…if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!

(Virginia kicks down Fro and pulls off his yellow shirt. She puts it on, and looks down. Fro is still wearing a yellow shirt.)

VIRGINIA: Were you wearing 2 of the exact same shirt?

FRO: Yes.

(Virginia sighs, and summons up her scythe.)

VIRGINIA: I really hate losing.

(She disappears.)


(Acc runs into Stefan, with jazz music in the background.)

ACC: Bad news. Jack is after yellow dots, too. I haven’t gotten any. How about you?

STEFAN: I found 3. I dunno how many there are, though.

ACC: Look! There’s another!

(Acc and Stefan rush forward. Stefan gulps down the dot.)

STEFAN: That’s 4…oh…my stomach…

(Stefan suddenly slouches forwards.)

ACC: Stefan? What’s wrong?

VIRGINIA: AHAHAHAHA!

(Virginia appears. Stefan looks up.)

STEFAN: ANOTHER yellow shirt? That was my idea! Why can’t anyone respect that?

VIRGINIA: That was a fake dot! I forged it with my magic abilities. It is designed to make the eater so full, he could not possibly force himself to swallow another bite!

STEFAN: Impossible! Nothing can fill me up!

(Virginia takes out a small box.)

VIRGINIA: Tic-tac?

STEFAN: Sure…uhh…

(Stefan grabs the tiny little tic-tac Virginia hands up. He stares at it for a moment, and passes out.)

VIRGINIA: AHAHAHA! Looks like I am winning, Acc! There is, by my calculations, one more dot. Due to the dot Jack ate, the count is even, and the only way you can possibly hope to not lose is by getting that last dot and tying with me!

(Virginia leans forwards and grins evilly.)

VIRGINIA: Good luck…

(She runs off.)

ACC: Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. My first email and I’m already making a fool out of myself. No! Can’t give the readers a bad impression of us! Must find some way to beat Virginia!

(Acc looks over to see Jordan looking at Stefan.)

JORDAN: No! If he gets sick and dies, who will lead our generation to prosperity by ruling this land with an iron fist?

ACC: Jordan! That’s it!

JORDAN: Huh?

(Acc pulls off Stefan’s shirt [for some reason he, too, is wearing a second identical shirt under it] and hands it to Jordan.)

ACC: Put that on. I need you to help me beat Virginia!

JORDAN: Anything for a friend of Stefan!

(Jordan climbs into the XXXXL shirt. It drapes over him, making him completely unseen.)

ACC: Um…that works. Come on!

(They run off, Jordan tripping occasionally on the shirt.  They see Virginia, almost at the final dot. She turns around to look at them.)

VIRGINIA: Aha! You can never make it to me first! If you try, I’ll split you open with my scythe! The prize is mine! Give it up!

ACC: Never mind, Jordan…thanks for trying, but looks like we just can’t win. Jordan?

(Due to the thick shirt, Jordan completely can’t see or hear anything, and keeps running forwards. Virginia scowls and grips her scythe. Getting into fighting position, she swings into the shirt – and completely misses Jordan. She swings again, and misses again. Consistently swinging and constantly missing, Virginia works herself into a rage, unable to find Jordan under the massive jumble of shirt. Jordan lunges forwards, grabs the dot, and eats it.)

VIRGINIA: NOOOOOO!!!!!!

(She shrieks in rage and disappears in an explosion of fire.)

ACC: You did it, Jordan! You won! Well…got a tie…but still, better than losing!

JORDAN: Anything to avenge the death of Stefan.

(Stefan walks over.)

STEFAN: You know, I’m not dead. Just a tad bit full.

(Keenan approaches them all.)

KEENAN: Good job, guys!

ACC: What do we win?

KEENAN: Er…I already told you. Personal fulfillment. What? You thought I was kidding?

(Acc sighs. He looks around.)

ACC: Well, I guess that concludes my first ever email. …Hopefully next time less people will be wearing yellow. Seriously, you guys, you look terrible.

(The leader of the jazz band Virginia had summoned walks over.)

JAZZ GUY: Um, hey…we’ve been playing our music the whole time for you guys.

ACC: And?

JAZZ GUY: Our bill.

(He hands Acc a slip of paper. Acc looks at it for a moment. Then he clutches his heart and falls over.)



To “email” any of the characters, send Mr. Teatime a PM!

[Peaches]

Good job, Teh-ah-tim-eh.  I like the complete lack of me. 

[Faded]

Great job. Can't wait to read more!

[that_lufis]

Hah. Greenery. Verdant greenery.

And the whole Pac-Man thing was awesome. That actually exists, if you didn't know (I'm assuming you did).

[Mr. Teatime]

(Fro is sitting on his couch, watching TV. An irritatingly high voice squeaks “where do we go next? Bridge, field, mountain? Bridge, field, mountain?” Fro stands up and screams.)

FRO: Mountain, you fool! MOUNTAIN! YOU’VE ONLY TOLD US A BAJILLION TIMES! Idiot little girl! You should throw yourself off the bridge! Do the world some good!

(Lufis walks in, his robes billowing about him dramatically.)

LUFIS: MORTALS ON THIS PLANE OF EXISTANCE LOOK UPON ME!

(He strikes a pose for several moments, then frowns when he realizes no one is paying any attention to him. He walks over to Fro, who’s hitting the TV with a teddy bear.)

FRO: Stupid Spaniard, I bet you’re not even in this country legally!

LUFIS: Are you watching…Dora the Explorer?

FRO: The correct terminology is “explora” and yes. Acc got me the DVD box set to help me better grasp conceptsHOLYCRAP!

LUFIS: What!?

(Lufis looks around in a panic, trying to see what’s wrong, while Fro fixes his horrified stare at Lufis for a few more moments.)

LUFIS: …What?

FRO: You’re wearing green!

LUFIS: …Where is Acc, anyway?

FRO: Computer room.

(Lufis walks over to the other room and opens the door. Acc is sitting close to the computer, drooling.)

ACC: Oh yes…so hot…so very hot…

LUFIS: Um, Acc?

ACC: AAH!

(Lufis walks over and looks at the computer screen.)

LUFIS: Ugh, why are YOU watching Dora the Explora?

(Acc punches his arm through the computer screen.)

ACC: I’m not!

LUFIS: Oh…okay then. Here, I need you to take a look at this rather disturbing email I received.

(Lufis hands Acc a piece of bark.)

ACC: What the…?

LUFIS: My computer is a tree.

ACC: I’m gunna pretend that’s possible to avoid further stupid dialogue.


To Mr. McCormick:

Since you have not gone to a druidic gathering in the past - well, ever - we are pulling your membership as a member of the Order of the Druid. Either attend the Druidic Conclave meeting this Saturday in your hometown of Crafton or stop calling yourself a druid.

Sincerely,
The Druidic Society of New England (or wherever Crafton is)


LUFIS: The letter, I’m afraid, does not lie.

(Acc is looking at his arm that’s still inside the computer screen.)

ACC: That…was a remarkably bad idea…loss of blood…eek…

(Lufis sighs and reaches out with his staff, tapping Acc’s arm. A wave of green light pulsates, and all the injuries disappear.)

ACC: Whoa…that was…that was amazing!

LUFIS: Now that I’ve saved your arm, you owe me. I want you and some of your friends to accompany me to this Druid convention. You know, cover for me if anything goes wrong.

ACC: We can do that! You can count on us, whoever you are!

(Acc and Lufis leave the room. Fro rushes up to them and pulls them into the hallway.)

ACC: Fro, what are you doing?

FRO: She owns the house now. We’ve lost the battle. We must regroup elsewhere!

ACC: Um…how would you like to take part in a crazy adventure?

FRO: Will there be shenanigans?

LUFIS: By the buttload.

(Stefan walks up, pulling along side him an IV stand.)

STEFAN: Did I hear correctly? 63 gallons of Shenanigan?

ACC: Whoa, Stefan, you ok? What’s with the IV stand?

STEFAN: Oh, I’m just injecting food into me. That way I can be eating while going about the other eventful activities in my day.

LUFIS: Where are you having the food injected?

STEFAN: Right into my veins!

(There is a pause as they all consider this. Sallie Peaches walks up.)

SALLIE: Hey there.

(Stefan promptly bows.)

STEFAN: Greetings, fair lady, how are you this fine da-AAAAAAARGH!

(Acc rips the IV out of Stefan’s arm.)

ACC: Hey Sallie.

SALLIE: Hey Fro.

ACC: I’m Acc.

SALLIE: I’m not talking to you.

FRO: Hey there…you?

ACC: Hey Lufis, when does this convention start?

LUFIS: Thanks to the magic of narration, any moment now…


AT THE CONCLAVE MEETING

LUFIS: See?

ACC: Wow. I’ve got a lot to learn.

(Lufis, Acc, Stefan, Fro and Sallie are now standing in the middle of a verdantly green field. There are large, lush trees all around them, and various people in various colored robes similar to Lufis’ wandering around. There’s a buffet table, sing-song circles, and people mingling about.)

STEFAN: It’s hideous.

FRO: I want some food!

SALLIE: Ooh, me too!

ACC: Then I do too!

STEFAN: Do I even have to voice my opinion on food?

LUFIS: Wait! Guys! I need you to…

(Lufis sighs. All the others have already run off. A Druid in flowing, elaborate, jewel encrusted green robes approaches Lufis.)

DRUID: Greetings…Lufis McCormick? Is that you?

LUFIS: Ugh…hey, Llyswald.

(Llyswald smacks Lufis over the head.)

LLYSWALD: That’s Llyswald the Supreme Grand High Druid Most Excellent, Sir!

LUFIS: Er…can’t I just call you Llyswald?

(Llyswald smacks Lufis again.)

LLYSWALD: Say it!

(Lufis sighs.)

LUFIS: Llyswald the Supreme Grand High Druid Most Excellent, Sir…

LLYSWALD: Why, Lufis! I haven’t seen you in years! Why…not since your initiation, in fact! We had all just assumed you had died!

LUFIS: I’m alive and kicking, Llyswald the blah-blah-blah.

(Llyswald growls.)

LLYSWALD: Not very good Druid behavior, Lufis. I always knew you didn’t have it in you to last in our order.

LUFIS: Why you-

LLYSWALD: And who are these others with you? Not very good protocol to bring others into one of our conclave meetings…not very good protocol at all.

(Lufis seethes angrily as Llyswald walks off grinning.)


(Meanwhile, at the buffet table, Stefan and Fro are staring oddly at the Druid’s choices of food.)

STEFAN: What the crap is this stuff?

(A Druid walks up.)

DRUID: Ah, greetings, friends. All of our foods are completely abiotic. Everything here has never lived.

FRO: Wait…what?

DRUID: We’re not quite vegetarian or vegan because we don’t eat plants, either. Only things like soil, or…sunlight.

(The Druid tilts his head back and opens his mouth towards the sky.)

DRUID: Mmm. That’s some good air, right there.

STEFAN: That’s…that’s blasphemy! Eating a baby cow or deer is one of life’s greatest pleasures!

(The Druid gasps in horror.)

DRUID: You dare ingest one of nature’s creatures?

FRO: Yep. Pig, frog, alligator, squid, shrimp, lobster, chicken, turkey-

(After each animal name, the Druid flinches.)

DRUID: People like you will ruin this earth! It is my duty as a Druid to end your pain-causing life!

(The Druid lifts his staff and casts a spell. A piano falls out of the sky and lands on Fro.)

STEFAN: Oh my God! You…you killed him!

(Fro pops up from under the lid of the piano.)

FRO: I’m ok…

DRUID: What? How is that possible? That’s like…an act right out of a cartoon!

FRO: As the idiotic comic relief, I have a Masters Degree in cartoon zaniness.

(Fro holds up a diploma that says “Cartoon Zaniness.”)

STEFAN: If we’re only in our second year of college, how do you have a Masters Degree?

(Fro holds up another diploma that reads “Diploma Forging.”)

FRO: It’s what I minored in.

(The Druid storms off, enraged. Acc and Sallie walk up.)

SALLIE: Hey, Fro, I like your piano.

FRO: Uh, thanks.

(Fro steps out of the wrecked instrument. The four stand around.)

STEFAN: This sucks. They don’t even have real food. I say we ditch.

ACC: We can’t ditch Lufis! He’s always been there for us when we needed him!

(There is a pause.)

SALLIE: Isn’t that where you’re supposed to cut away to several flashbacks of him helping us?

ACC: Well, I can’t think of anything specific at the moment. But he has helped us, trust me.

STEFAN: I don’t care, I’m ditching. And If I’m not eating within 5 minutes, I’m taking a bite out of Fro.

(There is a large explosion. The entire buffet table filled with strange Druid food goes up in flames.)

SALLIE: In a small yet significant way, the world is now a better place.

(Virginia walks out of the smoke.)

VIRGINIA: Greetings, mortals! Long have I awaited a chance to attack the greatest Druids in the world! You stupid hippies are a disgrace to magical cults!

A DRUID TOO UNIMPORTANT FOR ME TO TAKE THE TIME TO CONJURE UP A NAME FOR HIM: She called us stupid hippies!

(He begins crying. Another Druid pats him on the shoulder.)

DRUID 2: There there, it’s ok. She didn’t mean it.

VIRGINIA: What? Yes I did! Now prepare to-

(Virginia is blasted by a bolt of green light. She falls over with an ‘oof.’)

LUFIS: Take that…you.

VIRGINIA: Excellent fight banter.

LUFIS: Thanks.

VIRGINIA: And now…EAT THIS!

STEFAN: Ugh, please don’t mention eating…

(Virginia hurls a fire bolt at Lufis. Lufis bats it back with his staff, and it strikes Virginia.)

VIRGINIA: Grah! You’re powerful…but can you handle…

(Virginia looks around for a weapon. She picks up Fro and hurls him towards Lufis. The Druid is impaled on the spiky hair.)

LUFIS: No fair.

(He pulls Fro out of his chest, waves his staff, and heals himself. However, in his moment of distraction, she hurls another fireball at him and catches his robes on fire.)

VIRGINIA: Aha! Too easy! Now then, who else shall take me on?

(Llyswald steps up.)

LLYSWALD: Lufis, you are a fool. You cannot defeat your enemies this way.

(Lufis gets up from rolling around on the ground to put out the flames.)

LUFIS: Oh, what, now you’re gunna insult my fighting ability? Now you listen here-

LLYSWALD: It’s not all about fighting, Lufis. There’s much more to being a Druid. Everybody!

(All the Druids sans Lufis line up behind Llyswald. Lufis stumbles over confusedly to stand besides Acc, Stefan, Fro, and Sallie. The Druids all face Virginia.)

VIRGINIA: A full-frontal attack? Hah! I’ll take you all on!

LLYSWALD: Formation 362!

(All the Druids get into a circle and begin holding hands. Llyswald takes out a kazoo and whistles into it.)

DRUIDS: Ohhh…we are the Druids! We never drink fluids, unless they have never breathed a breath!

(Virginia begins backing away.)

VIRGINIA: What…the…

(The Druids have broken from the circle and are dancing around merrily. Some are waving their staffs and making flowers sprout from the ground.)

DRUIDS: We hug trees ‘cause they’re our friends! We help the forest and make amends, for all the things you other Humans doooo….we love our flowers and our sky and love our love for every life…

(Virginia is visibly shaking in horror. Llyswald approaches her.)

LLYSWALD: We believe there is no evil in this world, only misunderstanding. Please, join our group! We can hug and sing and enjoy nature every day forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and-

VIRGINIA: AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! THAT’S A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH! YOU FREAKS STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!

(Shrieking incoherently, she opens up a portal and runs through it, closing it after her. Llyswald walks over to a shocked Lufis and friends.)

LUFIS: Was…was all that crap about Druids…true?

(Llyswald laughs.)

LLYSWALD: Of course not! But it certainly worked better than your method, didn’t it? You’re not a terrible Druid, Lufis. Just not a good one.

(Grinning with that grin only truly self-centered, conceited jerks can grin, Llyswald walks off. Lufis throws his staff on the ground in rage and storms off.)

FRO: Hmm…

(Fro picks up the discarded staff. He taps Stefan with it, who turns into a tree.)

FRO: Cool.

SALLIE: So why’d it take you so long to finish this email, Acc?

ACC: Well, um…see, I HAD finished it, when suddenly a bunch of evil communist ninja aliens burst into my house. I fought off most of them, but then their leader arrived in a giant robotic death suit with rocket launchers and flame throwers, so I tried to defeat him and nearly won, but he deleted the file and escaped into his evil helicopter fortress that flew him back to Moon Russia.

SALLIE: …You spent the whole time, playing World of Warcraft, didn’t you.

ACC: Err…



(To Email any of the cast members, send Mr. Teatime a PM.)

[that_lufis]

Aw... nuts. Might as well just become a fighter, Llyswald'll never let me live this down.

Lufis/Llyswald

[The Red Dragon]

This whole thing went by like a blur of hilarity. I actually had to stop to laugh after Fro's first line. And his second. And maybe all of them. In fact, I think the only somewhat lacking part of this entire email was the very strange way Sallie was included in this email but didn't really do anything... seems like a missed opportunity to me. Still, you definetly get a 10 of 10. No matter what they're called, your emails always end up Awexome.

[Faded]

That email was great in so many ways! Keep on keeping on.

[Peaches]

This whole thing went by like a blur of hilarity. I actually had to stop to laugh after Fro's first line. And his second. And maybe all of them. In fact, I think the only somewhat lacking part of this entire email was the very strange way Sallie was included in this email but didn't really do anything... seems like a missed opportunity to me. Still, you definetly get a 10 of 10. No matter what they're called, your emails always end up Awexome.

(Psst!  Listen to him!)

Good job again.  Now, all you have to do is remember to write them more than once a month, and then I think you've got something going.