darkshadows E-mails: Season 4

[Strong_Lufis]

Heeey! It's Darkshadows E-mails! We've been supplying BHZ's with irreverent, "you-wouldn't-get-it"-style humor for about eleven months now. And there's no trans fat! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?

Darkshadows E-mails are the e-mailing adventures of a... thing named Darkshadows. He lives in this town named Underworld, which is the center of all conflict between power-hungry jerks, apparently. He's protected by a loose-knit group of well wishers he calls the Shadow Squad.

Ye olde caste:

For Picture, click here

PICTURE COURTESY OF LYRICAL WONDERMIND






THE SHADOW SQUAD:

Darkshadows: Your average American: Lazy, hungry, and indefitably evil.

Pointy Hair Man: A strange little man who usually can't tell if he should stay somewhere or run far away and never come back.

Fred: He's the life of the party... if your parties only involve rocks.

Ponty Hayfyr Ma En: A very, very fat man, Ponty is the king of gluttons and the resident fridge raider of Underworld.

Beaky: Darkshadow's personal giant flightless bird, Beaky gets Darkshadows out of lots of wierd situations.

Grim: Darkshadows' famous brother, Grim is a Shadow with a curse...

Spriggins: A red tabby cat with a curse...



THE RANDOM FORUMERS:

Homestarguy: A Homestar Runner lookalike, Homestarguy has the patented lisp, but a much bigger brain for thought. In fact, at times, it's pretty obvious that he's only faking the lisp.

Gir: A Gir lookalike. He stepped out for a while, but came back, eager to eat more waffles with Homestarguy. He has sent left again, and is probably finishing Beaky's hole to China.



THE EMPEROR DRAGON HUNTERS:

Lufis: A wierd, wise, crusty old(?) man, Lufis is a man of nature. He doesn't seem to come from this reality, but then again, neither does half the cast, so you can't really judge him on that.

Lucia: Lucia is, to put it in words, "a fool in love." She is infatuated with Lorna, who shares the feeling, but not to the zealous point of Lucia.

Lorna: A man of words and song, Lorna is always observing music's ever-present effect on the world.

Jeff: The required screwball of any group, Jeff is a rapper with no rhythm, no talent, and no self-respect.

Amy: The cynic of the group. She never fails to point out every flaw in any plan or statement.



THE EMPEROR DRAGONS: ALL CURRENTLY NOT REALLY CAST MEMBERS

Hyperion: An evil dragon from an alternate universe. Basically every cliché that has to do with RPG final bosses applies with this guy, including witty names for henchmen; an Ominous Tower that pies like it's 500 stories high, but is only hree stories high; and several forms.

Dionysus: Dio is a crazy dragon from an alternate universe. He has a speech problem that causes him to say random words in the middle of conversation.

Artemis: She's a bit off, but this Emperess Dragon is one of the best trackers and hunters in Underworld.

Hephaestus: Hephaestus likes things that are shiny. If there's nothing shiny in his sight, he'll go somewhere where there is something shiny.

Loki: The only Emperor Dragon that stays in dragon form all the time, Loki has a fiery personality, and a fiery exterior. Seriously. He's always on fire.

Hermes: The messenger of the Emperor Dragons, Hermes is laid back, but is among the quickest of the Emperor Dragons.



THE FORCES OF SHADOW (not to be confused with the Shadow Squad):

Teatime of Shadow: An evil version of BHZ's own Mr. Teatime, Teatime of Shadow wants to be the top dog in Underworld. He plans to gain the title by destroying the properties of Darkshadows and Hyperion. Starting with Boardwalk and Park Place. Currently spending time in Underworld Medium-Security Prison

Pride of the Peaches: Teatime's sister. She follows Teatime semi-unquestioningly, but she really prefers to do her own thing.

Lyrical Wondermind: A hired crony. She pilots heavy machinery, and the moments you find her OUTSIDE of a tank or other havily armored vehicle are slim to nil.

Most Mackiest: There's nobody like him. He's the circle in a sea of squares. And he works for Teatime... This can't be good...

[Strong_Lufis]

(This message intentionally left blank.)

[Strong_Lufis]

E-mail #1: Misunderstood

Oh-oh woah, woah, woah, oh-h e-mail!

run Microsoft_outlook_express.exe

Dear Darkshadows86,

You've been randomly selected to be notified of the best game ever! Come down an check out Sim Free Country U.S.A, a forum game In the SFGNS section of the BHZ Homestar Runner Fan-forum!!

You and about 25 other people have been randomly selected to play thisgame!

Sincerely,
Your Humble Servant, Hammer_of_God

c\> Well, Anvil of sod, You game sounds interesting and all, but I don't really have any incentive to play. I mean, you have groups of people playing Counter-Strike for money, so why should I sit here and play a forum game when I can practice for that? Of course, that would require a copy of Half-Life... which... I don't have... and a heaping handful of skill, which... I don't have that either.

c\> Really, man. I may have misunderstood you, and you may have been trying to send this to someone else, but REALLY. I mean, come ON. Well, now that I'm done with that, I think it's time for SkyFred Traffic! Um, Beaky?

(cut to Beaky the the Wonder Chicken holding Fred the Rock)

Beaky: Wark! Wark! *throws Fred in the air*

Fred: Better homes granite granite homes through better better homes. *falls, is thrown up into the air again* Better homes homes better better homes homes. *falls, and traffic time is over*

(we cut back to Darkshadows)

DS: Er... um... pie. Oh well, let's just go to Pointy Hair Man Weather for now. Pointy Hair man?

(the camera is moved a bit to the right, so DS is still visible, but we now also see PHM and a sign)

PHM: Mr. Pieman.... Bake me a dream!

DS: Stop singing and get to the weather, you dunderhead.

PHM: Oh! Right, right. Well, it looks like we have clear skies through 'till next Wednesday, will a 60% chance of rain on Thursday of this week -

DS: Wait. It's clear, but there's a chance it's going to rain? Where do you GET this crap?

PHM: Well, I got this forecast off MSNBC.

DS: Alrighty, then...

run wordpad.exe

(Darkshadows types something into the wordpad window, then saves the document and goes back to Outlook Express.)

c\> Well, I think I've sufficiently said 'no' enough times for you to finally get the picture, Mr. Sod, so... Sincerely, darkshadows86, Lord of the Underworld.


To e-mail Darkshadows, just hop into your inbox and type in darkshadows86@msn.com

[Strong_Lufis]

E-mail #2 – Simple Pleasures

Follow the golden trail, and grab that brass E-mail!

run Microsoft_Outlook_express.exe

Dear Darkwhatever,
 
You seem evil and intent on world domination. I find this interesting, as I too plan to take over Earth one day. Perhaps I could help you out, and get a position of high power, only to stab you in the back one day and take over.
 
Wait, did I say that last bit out loud? Oh well.
 
Best Regards,
Your humble servant, Teatime of Shadow

c:\> Whoa, hold on, Teatimey Shadow. No one said a THING about world domination. I control the UNDERWORLD. I already HAVE control of that. Keeping chaos over the entire WORLD would take too long, and I already have a lot on my plate. Besides, the suffering of billions doesn't amuse me. Ha ha. MUCH! I prefer the simple pleasures. Y'know, like...

(cut to Beaky the Wonder Chicken throwing Fred in the air)

DS: (background) ...SkyFred Traffic...

(cut to DS beating PHM with a mallet)

DS: ...pursuing more lofty, intellectual interests...

(cut to DS typing run Starcraft_Brood_War.exe into his computer)

DS: ...and writing 5-page term papers for little children.

(cut back to DS in the present, typing and speaking)

c:\> Y'see? Sometime's it's nice to do something other than reach for world domination. Well, we're trying to cut back budget, so what budget we had is going to my new pet project: making my dreams come true. So then.

c:\> Sincerely, darkshadows86, Lord of the Underworld.

[Mr. Teatime]

Heh, those were both very interesting! The main character has got to be the most interesting yet of any of these email threads. A deluded fool who thinks he's lord of the underworld, and also seems to be host of some news show. Reminds me of...me, back when I was a wee lad of 37, living in my mothers basement...

Anywhoo, good emails, keep up the...emails.

[Big_Ol_Eyebrowz]

I have to admit, those were pretty funny! especially the darkshadow + hammer = ^_^ And nice Starcraft reference there!

[Strong_Lufis]

Actually, that's supposed to be PHM. But thanks for the comments!

[Strong_Lufis]

E-mail #3 – Underworld Idol

(DS is eating some potato chips. He starts paying attention to the camera.) Oh! Oh. (DS turns to the computer.) E-mail? Sure!

run Microsoft_outlook_express.exe

Alright, let's see what we've got on tap here...


Dear darkshadows86,

Have you evar watcheded that show, American Idol on FOX If so, what didyou think of it.

Mike
Kansas

c:\> Alright, Mr. Kansas, before I answer your question, I have a few wonderful innovations for you. First, behold the SPACE BAR! No, it's not some intergalactic tavern, it's actually that long, rectangular bar-like key on those old qwertyuiop keyboards. The other one? Why, it's a little beauty I like to call a dot. You tend to put them on the end of sentences to form coherent thought, like me. Grammatical wizards call these dots “periods.”

c:\> Now that we have that taken care of, I'll answer your question.... American Idol, mm? Well, I could say I like it... that would be a LIE, but... , I tried out for American Idol, and I did awesome. Hey, let me show you this nonsense! Fred!

(cut to Fred, sleeping, then jumping up as his name is spoken)

Fred: Granite? Homes?

DS: Roll that beautiful bean footage! Er... I mean, roll that clip from American Idol.

(static, then cut to DS standing in front of Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell.)

DS: (sung really badly)

You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the creature creepin' up behind
You're out of time

'Cause this is Pointy hair man, hair man night
There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty feet of hair
You know it's Pointy hair man, hair man night
You're fighting for your life inside a stupid, hair man tonight!-

Randy: Whoa, hold up, STOP!

(silence, then...)

Simon: Oh, good lord.

DS: I know! I am the cat's pajamas!

Paula: Um... Randy?

Randy: Dawg, I'm gonna tell it to ya straight up, yo... it was no good.

(DS's mouth is hanging open.)

Randy: Paula?

Paula: This type of singing is definitely not your strong suit.

Simon: You sounded like the personification of true crap.

DS: Alrighty then.

(A sign comes up that says “four hours later.” DS is at his computer.)

run wordpad.exe
load usurp.doc

c:\> Simon Fuller

(cut back to the present)

c:\> Yeah, well, Randy, Simon, and Theodore may have ruined my chance at a $1,000,000 contract, but I'll show them. I've already started a NEW reality singing show! Only seen on UTV: Underworld Television, it's....

(cut to a very low budget cardboard sign saying “Underworld Idol”

DS: (background) Underworld Idol!

(cut back to the present)

c:\> Only the best even have a chance at getting into the facility we do the auditions in! Cause'...

(cut to about 50 people jumping around, trying to get into a building, stepping on something hot)

DS: (background) ...I lined the walkway with Brimstone Brand(c) Charcoal! Lit, of course.

(cut to a bland, peach-colored room, which only features a man chained to a chair, a window, and DS brandishing a card with a pentagram on it at the bound man)

DS: (background) Those who got in would have to pass rigorous exams to prove their ability to string coherent thought together.

DS: (in flash forward thing) Now, what is this?!

Man: I DON'T KNOW! Is it a Power Ranger? The Blue one?

DS: Ehhh! WRONG!

(DS throws the chair with the man into it out the window.)

Man: Hey, I'm only going to land in some Cheetos!

(DS runs to the window and shouts to the man)

DS: Those are those nasty tongue coloring ones!

Man: Crap!

(cut to the California American Idol Audition room, except two of the chairs have been sliced in two, and the words “American Idol” have been spray-painted to say “Underworld Idol” wherever there is one visible. Crushed Coke cans and rancid Coke is everywhere. DS is sitting at the only non-sliced chair, drinking a Pepsi Vanilla. There is a man standing where the auditioners stand.)

DS: (background) ...then, you get to sing.

Man: (beautifully)
Oh beautiful for spacious skies
for amber waves of grain...

DS: You'd better be singing about me!

Man:

For purple mountains majesties
Above the fruited plain...

DS: Okay, just stop. Now. NO. You're singing that one song about that one country that isn't the underworld. You're disqualified. Get the crap out.

(cut to the present)

c:\> So, I guess that answers your question, Mikey. I am super cool.

PHM: (off camera) Oh, get a life.

DS: Shut up.

c:\> So.. I guess i should just say one last thing to sum this thing up.

c:\> Sincerely, Darkshadows86, Lord of the Underworld.

[Strong_Lufis]

E-mail #4: Raising the Dead

(droning) E-mails.... E-MAILS!!!!

run Microsoft_Outlook_Express.exe


lol deear drakshaedowws97
haha u cannt? mak funn ov this email.  cuz eye yused prooper! gramar and spelig,
 
yoo ar stoopid
ur unedeeade hooumbel slurvlant Hammer_Of_God

c:\> Sweet merciful crap! Someone is making the dead e-mail me! This means unholy WAR! Fred!

(Fred rolls into view)

Fred : Homes? Better? Better granite homes homes.

DS: Let's get some undead servants! To the cemetery!

(Fred's head swirls in and out, a la Batman, and we cut to see Darkshadows, Fred, and PHM standing on a hill in the cemetery.)

PHM: Agh! I'm cold, warm, and bored all at the same time!

DS: Stop complaining! The time to raise the dead for my unholy flame war is nigh! Fred!

Fred: (sigh) Granite?

DS: Stand back! (Darkshadows walks up to a grave and pulls out a toy car.)

PHM: What are you doing?

DS: What the crap does it look like? I'm summoning the undead!

PHM: ...with a Hot Wheels car?

DS: Shut up!

(Darkshadows begins the 'ritual')

DS: (chanting) Wendy's, Jeopardy, Richard Simmons!

(The sky starts to get dark.)

DS: (chanting) BP, Invader Zim, HYAKUGOJYUUICHI!!

(Lightning strikes the grave. Nothing else happens.)

DS: Crap, that was supposed to work! (sigh) C'mon guys, let's go home.

(cut back to Darkshadows on his computer.)

c:\> Well, I guess this proves one thing, you undead brain-person-thing: Civilization is a half-fun game.

(door opens and closes off-screen)

c:\> Sincerely, Darkshadows86, Lord -

???: BRAINS!

PHM: Oh, crap! It's Ronald Reagan, back from the dead!

DS: (Turns) That's not Ronald Reagan, and she's not dead. It's my Aunt Esther!

(Aunt Esther grins)

DS ...oh, CRAP! It's Aunt Esther! RUN!

(Everybody runs every which way, until darkshadows is being pinned to the ground but Aunt Esther, and PHM is being held up in the air by the stronger-than-she-looks Aunt Esther.)

DS: Er... well, this'll be sorted out by the next e-mail. So... keep sending in those e-mails!

Aunt Esther: Give Auntie a kiss!

DS: AGH!

Wanna get your e-mail answered? PM Lufis McCormick today!

[Faded]

Nice job! I loved the chant that didn't work!

[Big_Ol_Eyebrowz]

Umm, that wasn't what I was expecting. . .

I was expecting you to be all freaked out o fmy crappy spelling and grammar, and possibly make your computer explde!

Oh well.  Ill try to destroy your computer later I guess.

[Strong_Lufis]

Umm, that wasn't what I was expecting. . .

You never know WHAT to expect!

[Strong_Lufis]

E-mail #5: Final Fantasy: Freakish Maneuver

E-mail: Now with only negative 6 net carbs! Yep. It steals carbs.

run Microsoft_Outlook_Express.exe


Dear Darkshadows86,

Have you ever played a Final Fantasy gaem? Final Fantasy is awesome!

From,
Your Humble Servant, sephiroth7243

c:\> Oh yes, Sephiroth Clone #7243. I have played a whole bunch of Final Fantasy. It's super cool. Like...

(cut to Squall Leonhart holding a gunblade)

DS: (background) ...there's this one Final Fantasy where this guy named Squall -

Squall: - ...whatever... -

DS: (background) Is trying to stop this person named Ultimecia...

(Ultimecia pops in)

Ultimecia: Hello.

DS: (background) ...from using 'time compression' to take control of the world.

(Squall starts shaking with pent-up rage. The words “Get ready for the Renzokuken!” flash in and out on the top of the screen. The scene cuts out and is replaced with white.)

DS: (background) Or, there was this one that had this guy named Cloud...

(Cloud Strife pops into existance and hold up the buster sword)

Cloud: This thing is huge!

DS: (background) ...who had a lot of friends...

(Tifa, Aeris, Barret, Cid, Red XIII, Yuffie, Vincent, and Cait Sith all kinda flash in and out of existance, but they don't 'materialize')

Cloud: Wha?

DS: (background) Sorry, it's a low-budget show, I could hardly afford Squall.

Cloud: What about me?

DS: (background) Oh, Sephiroth just kinda lent you to me.

Cloud: WHAT?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?

(Sephiroth skips acroiss the screen.)

Sephiroth: (singing) Cloud is my puppet, Cloud is my puppet...

Cloud: I'll puppet YOU!

(cut back to a white screen)

DS: (background) And of course, we couldn't forget the story of Terra,

(Terra pops in.)

Terra: Hey.

DS: (background) ...and Locke,

(Locke pops in)

Locke: Yo.

DS: (background) ...and some other people...

(cut to a short montage of sprites of every other major Final Fanatsy III character. It lasts about 6 seconds.

DS: (background) ...as they try and save the world... wait for it... and FAIL!

(Kefka pops in and does his trademark laugh, and the scene immediately cuts back to DS at the computer.)

c:\> Yeah... after that, I kinda lost funding for that mini-project. So... I wasn't all that funny. Somebody send me funnier e-mails.

C:\> Sincerely, darkshadows86, Lord of the Underworld.

[Strong_Lufis]

darkshadows wants YOU

for his e-mail show


You heard me. I want some of you fair forumgoers to be a part of this wonderful show. As if we didn't have enough trouble.

You've seen what I can do. Now you can be immortilized in typeface just like those chaps in the Sadmails or the Neomails, and be a part of the aection!

I have only two requirements.

Send in a Darkshadows E-mail.

be able to identify this song. PM this info to me.

Complete these simple things, and you'll be able to DS E-mail like the man himself!

Well, maybe not EXACTLY like me.

[Big_Ol_Eyebrowz]

This is either from ff7 or ff8.  I think it's the final battle song from ff7 though.