darkshadows E-mails: Season 4

[that_lufis]

E-mail #40: This Thing I Started Writing Today At 12:30 in the Morning

(cut to the upstaiis hallway of Darkshadows' house. Darkshadows enters from the left, and walks past with a glass of milk. After exiting to the right, he comes back and faces the camera, peeved.)

DS: Geez, where have you been, my loyal fanbase? You missed all the excitement and action. That's what happens when you don't pay attention for three months. Well, I suppose I'd better recap from where you all stapped paying attention with a crappy recap sequence.

(Cut to a black screen.)

Voice: (as words saing the same appear on the screen) Previously, on Darkshadows E-mails...

(cut to badly drawn stick figures vagulely resembling what they're supposed to be appearing and disappearing, spouting lines.)

S.F. Lucia: I'm dead!

S.F. Jeff: NO!

S.F. Lorna: Oh no! The love of my like is dead! Time to brood!

S.F. Risenal: Hah hah hah! You will never defeat me!

S.F. Darkshadows: Yes we will!

S.F. Risenal: OH SNA-

S.F. PHM: I can touch my head!

S.F. Lufis: Let's stop Teatime!

S.F. Sha'hardin: Hi, I'm the rushed arch-villain.

S.F. Tog: Go away, jerk.

S.F. Sha'hardin: No.

S.F. Perfect Teatime: RAWR I'M A DRAGON

S.F. Darkshadows: dood hax

(a bunch of scribbles and high piched noises occur, then back to the badly drawn characters.)

S.F. Emperor Dragons Except For Dionysus: We're dead!

S.F: Dionysus: I'm still cool *pancake*!

S.F. Children of Sachmo Except Carol: We're not really Sachmo and Company at all, but an elaborately hidden doppleganger group!

S.F. Carol: Somehow, I did not know this!

S.F. Teatime: Join us, Dio!

S.F. Dionysus: Okay!

S.F.Darkshadows: Join us, Carol!

S.F. Carol: Sure, why not?

S.F. Jeff, Ameris, Lorna: Where's our money?

(Jeff, Ameris, and Lorna are scribbled out.)

Darkshadows (v.o.): WRITTEN OUT!

S.F. Lufis: Hey, let's go bach to BHZ!

S.F. Shadow Squad and Force of Shadow: Okay.

(cut back to Darkshadows.)

DS: And that was the end of my trip to the library. Now, either watch me check my e-mail or get the hell out of my house, take your pick.

(The Camera follows Lufis to his computer.)

DS: Alright, endosition is tiring! Let's check some e-mail!

Hmm, 'endosition', is that even a word? It oughta be.





Dear Darkshadow,

How could I trick out my old ford? I hear all the pimped out old cars get the nervous glances!

Mr. Afraid To Use My Real Name,
Aus





C:\> Oh, well, listen to Mr. I-Have-An-Old-Ford-And-Am-Afraid-Of-The-Internets. What kinda car do you have anyway, an Edsel? I'm not one of these dump people who make these care that look like they're moving when they're not. And I don't do cars in general. Ponty, however, is the laziest guy I know, so I bet he has a car. Lemme check with him.

(Cut to the living room. Darkshadows is sitting on the couch, playing a game on his Xbox 360. Pointy Hair Man and Lufis walk past, and lean over Darkshadows.)

PHM: Sweet, Pac-Man! Ooh, save your dots! They'll get eaten by that yellow guy if you don't watch out.

DS: (not taking his eyes off the TV) One, shut up. Two, I'm not playing Pac-Man, I'm playing Metal Gear Solid 16: Snakes in the Garden. And three, shut up.

Lufis: Just what the world needs. Solid Snake eating snakes in a garden. And that's it, that's the game. Face it, Darkshadows, you wasted fifty bucks on crap.

(Darkshadows turns and angrily to Lufis.)

DS: Nobody asked for your opinion, phony.

Lufis: Oh, give me a break, Holden. Oh, and speaking of rye, weren't you going to go to Ponty's house?

DS: (engrossed in the game again) Why would I go see that lard-for-lard? What, have I not had my daily intake of lard today? Lard, lard, um, snake lard. Snake. Solid Snake Garden -

Lufis: (grabbing Darkshadows by the head and exiting) C'mon. If you don't get out of this house, we won't be able to get the B-plot of this e-mail. (The two have exited fully.)

PHM: Bee?! WHERE?! Don't let it plot me!

(cut to some Corridors of Creepiness in the Fortress of Tea. Dionysus is wandering around aimlessly.)

Dionysus: This isn't very *extreme laser action pants* creepy. In fact, this is downright dull.

(As Dionysus says this, he is walking past a suit of plate armor on display. The helmet begins to speak.)

Helmet: Hey, if you want dull, check out that sword over there. Lord Teatime hasn't sharpened that thing in years.

Dionysus: Oh, ha, ha, a sword gag in a Darkshadows E-mail, gee, how *super dee duper!* clichè can you get? Wait. Armor can't talk.

Helmet: Eep!

(The helmet rattles into silence on its stand. Cut to Ponty's yard, where Ponty, Darkshadows, Lufis, and Carol are admiring a Blue Ford Crown Victora.)

DS: I'm telling you, Ponty, this car sucks.

Ponty: Why?

DS: I mean, c'mon, a Crown Vic? That's one step away from a Lincoln Town Car. And those are STUPID.

Ponty: Hey, the police use Crown Vics. Or, at least, sensible police forces do.

DS: Are you saying that my choice to give the UWPD Volkswagon Bugs was a bad idea?

Lufis: Darkshadows, how are the feds supposed to cram criminals into those things.

DS: With cruel and unusual measures.

(silence.)

Ponty: Anyway, my car rocks.

DS: No it doesn't! It needs some... oh, I dunno, zing! Zow! Kablooie!

Carol: Onomatapoeia?

DS: No, it needs oomph! Zam! Vim!

Lufis: Really old onomatapoeia?

DS: NO! It needs... a hole in the roof!

(Darkshadows pulls out a large sledgehammer and smashes a large hole in the roof of the Crown Victoria. Ponty gapes at the car in shock.)

DS: (to Lufis and Carol) Oh, come on. You can't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing.

Carol: Eh, he's right. Only I would have done it through the windshield.

(Darkshadows swings the sledgehammer at the windshield, shattering it. Tears well up in Ponty's eyes.)

DS: Lufis, anything?

Lufis: Ooh! Ooh! Give Ponty one right to the chest!

DS: Can do.

(Darkshadows smacks Ponty in the chest with the sledgehammer, knocking the wind out of the fat man and causing him to tumble over onto the car, crushing it.)

DS: And now, for an encore, I give you, Sldgehammer flying into Ponty's window.

(Darkshadows winds up, but the scene cuts back to him typing at his computer before we can see the window breaking.)

C:\> And that's how I found the mystic jewel-encrusted pancake. Oh, wait, yeah, B-plot. Well, Teatime'll find that wacky whatevermabobber. Hey, you try writing an e-mail at 1:45 in the morning running on caffine and see how you do.







And so the laughs continue.

[Depressio]

It continues!

Good work, glad to see the emails are continuing. Hope to see some more soon.

[The Red Dragon]

E-mail #40: This Thing I Started Writing Today At 12:30 in the Morning
DS: (not taking his eyes off the TV) One, shut up. Two, I'm not playing Pac-Man, I'm playing Metal Gear Solid 17: Snakes on a Plane. And three, shut up.

This is the sequel.

Sacrificing a running plot for gag emails? After acrificing gag emails for a running plot? You jerk.

[that_lufis]

Sacrificing a running plot for gag emails? After acrificing gag emails for a running plot? You jerk.

Yeah, ain't I a stinker? You did, however, get the gist of the rest of the plot, though.

[Mr. Teatime]

Hmm. I have mixed feelings about this.

Previously I've been making half-happy half-upset comments about how you'd been sacrificing humor for action in this last plotline. And with the whole buttload of emperor dragons and emperor dragon hunters coming in for their own uinque fight scenes, my head was spinning and I was sort of dazed and confused.

Now you've basically scrapped all the characters that I feel were unnecessary, kept all the good ones, and are converting back to the old school style with those who proved to be crowd favorites. However, from the recap and what I'd heard of your plans from you before, I think I would've liked to see all this pan out as you had originally intended, if this was indeed your final destination.

[that_lufis]

E-mail #41: This E-mail Doesn't Have A Title

There's no greater joy that answering an e-mail when you have something better to do. And do you know what's an even greater joy? Playing Oblivion when you should be answering an e-mail! Hah!

run tes4_oblivion.exe

(Darkshadows begins to play Oblivion. Cut to Lufis, who is downstairs in the living room. He seems to have gotten his own computer hookup since the story arc. Pointy Hair Man is sitting on the couch, watching QVC.)

Lufis:Ahh, there's nothing like a good old fashioned e-mail.

run thunderbird.exe




Dear Lufis,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood?

Sincerely,
The Commitee of Natural Expenses of Greater Underworld




C:\> Sorry, guy, I just really don't do this sort of thing anymore. If you want help with woodchuck, I suggest taking your concerns up with the Internet Oracle. Although, I hear him and Lisa have been having problems recently, so he will probably not hesitate to zot you if you so much as say "wood" and "Chuck" in the same sentence. Next.




Dear Mr. McCormick,

I represent the Society for Naturally Affluent Fighters of Underworld, and sent you this e-mail in regards to your inqueries about our new Dueling Arena, which is scheduled to open next week. Yes, we are currently looking for duelists and gladiators for the new Arena, and we can assure you that your safety is guarenteed. You still, however, mush bring your own weapons.

As we have only done this once before, we hope that, with your induction into SNAFU on Opening Day, we can draw more competitiors to the New Arena.

Sincerely,
Jacques LaSalle
Director, Society for Naturally Affluent Fighters of Underworld




C:\> Yeah, I get it, LaSalle. How many times have you sent me this e-mail? Ten? Today? Don't worry about it! I got some of this lazy slugabouts ready to go, too. It'll be marvelous. Gladitorial combal will never be as hilarios as it will be when Pointy Hair Man enters the Arena.

PHM: Whoa. I've gotta have this.

TV: (in the voice of some 40-year-old woman) What we have here are finely crafted ebony shavings. Each shaving was shaved off of a bigger piece, and now you can own one of these useless shavings for just seventy payments of $59.99. We're practically giving these shavings away!

PHM: Must... buy...

(Lufis gets up from his computer, and walks out of the house, but not before ripping the phone cord out of the wall and wrapping it up in a tight coil.)


ONE WEEK LATER

(cut to the New Underworld Arena. Inside, Lufis and another man are gearing up for a fight.)

*******: You ready, McCormick?

Lufis: As ready as I'll ever be, Jacques.

LaSalle: That doesn't seem like you're very sure of the outcome of this fight.

Lufis: I'm really not. At all.

(cut to the Arena proper. LaSalle is already out on the field. He wears light clothing and wields a longsword.)

Announcer: And now, weighing in at 154 pounds, and wielding a stick he found on the ground, Robert Harmen!

(Pointy Hair Man comes out of a gate leading into the Arena, holding a stick. Pointy Hair Man and LaSalle bow, then begin to spar. The battle is over in two seconds. LaSalle slashed the stick in two, then punches Pointy Hair Man in the face.)

LaSalle: Simple.

(Pointy Hair Man stands back up.)

LaSalle: What? Didn't you get enough the first time?

PHM: Well, I want one of those brownies Lufis was telling me about. I dunno what that punch was for, but it was obviously a bonus of some sort! Anyhow, I still want my brownie.

LaSalle: I'm sorry, Mr. Harmen, but there are no brownies here.

(Pointy Hair Man's eyes flare red with anger.)

PHM: No... brownies? NO.... BROWNIES?!

(Pointy Hair man quickly transforms into a large, green monster with ragged, vaguely pointy hair, and begins to punch LaSalle.)

The Pulk: RRAGH! PULK SMASH! PULK SMAAAASH!!

(cut to Lufis in the stands, howling with laughter. Some other affluent fighters are sitting in very ornate chair, looking down at the action with distaste.)

Cultured Heroine: I say, that green fellow is quite a brute, isn't he? I mean, a transformation? Really, that's something I'd expect to see from a simple, uncultured fighter.

(Perfect Teatime can be seen wheeling in the air at this point, but this is rather unimpotant the the e-mail itself.)

Prissy Hero: I say, Your Grace McCormick, how can you stand him?

Lufis: Who, LaSalle?

Prissy Hero: No! That... Harmen fellow. Not to mention, of course, the mayor. Oh, I cannot fathom who would elect a mayor who has no idea of what politics are! It seems... undignified.

Prim Hero: Barbaric.

Cutured Heroine: Plebian.

Haughty Heroine: Asinine.

Prissy Hero: (with distinct distaste) Underworldian.

Lufis: You know, I think I remember why I never wanted to join SNAFU in the first place. You're all a bunch of freakin' bourguoise fluff.

(Lufis leaves the box. The members of SNAFU continue to watch the fight, but the battle is still ridiculously one-sided. LaSalle's screams of terror are only matched by the growls and snrls of The Pulk.)

The Pulk: PULK SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!

LaSalle: AIEEEE!

(cut back to Darkshadows' house. Lufis is lying on the couch, his armor off, watching House.

House: (on the TV) You know, I think I hate everything except the piano and making fun of people.

Wilson: (on the TV) I have issues.

House: (on the TV) Shut up, Wilson.

Cameron: (on the TV) House, I still find that you are capable of love, even though you have not ceased to be nothing but a total jerkwad since the series began.

Foreman: (on the TV) House, I still want your job.

House: (on the TV) Shut up, everyone, this new patient has something, it's gota be rare and interesting.

Chase: (on the TV) It's nothing.

Wilson: (on the TV) It's cancer!

Cameron: (on the TV) It's something common.

Cuddy: (on the TV) If you screw up, it'll be a lawsuit, because everyone hates doctors.

House: (on the TV)I want to play on my piano and pop some pills.

(Pointy Hair Man, still as The Pulk, enters the scene from the kitchen.)

The Pulk: Pulk want Loofus open peanuts. (holds out a bottle of peanuts)

Lufis: Get Darkshadows to do it.

The Pulk: He say no.

Lufis: (aggrivated) You're the Pulk, just smash the bootle, you weakling.

The Pulk: Hey, Loofus right! PULK SAMSH!

(The Pulk goes back into the kitchen. Smashing sounds can be heard.)

Lufis: Well, I guess this was just another day. As always, nothing really jaw-dropping happens anymore.

(Teatime bursts into the house.)

Teatime: Alright, Darkshadows, I am here to exact JUSTICE! I have been trampled over for too long, and I DEMAND my rightful title as mayor of Underworld! And what's more - wait, where's Darkshadows?

Lufis: Dunno.

Teatime: Oh. Well, I need to yell at you anyway! You've been stealing my allspice!

Lufis: (sigh) Oh, well. I guess I'm always proven wrong.

[that_lufis]

E-mail #42: Another Game Related Darkshadows E-mail

(We fade in to see that Darkshadows is not checking his e-mail, but rather typing something in Microsoft Word. The door into Darkshadows' room slowly opens. Teatime, holding a knife, is pushing the door slowly open. As soon as he can fit through the opening, Teatime begins to sneak up to Darkshadows. He slowly raises the dagger, ready to strike, but darkshadows knocks it away effortlessly.)

Teatime: Gah! What the hell, man? I totally make that Hide check.

DS: Yeah, but you botched the Move Silently check. I bet they could hear you in China.

Teatime: Rrrgh... hey, what are you doing?

DS: I'm writing the script for an adventure game.

Teatime: Adventure game? You can code those?

DS: Anyone can. Anyone except you, that is. You're stupid.

Teatime: (ignoring the previous comment) I thought adventure games died in the 90's, what with the invention of graphics and all.

DS: You're sadly mistaken, then. People have been writing them into the new milleneum.

Teatime: Oh?

DS: Sure, why not? Now, go make like a tree and fall in some woods or something.

Teatime: Fine. Your room is boring, anyway.

(Teatime leaves, and Lufis enters mere seconds later. Fierce clapping ensues as the spellsword enters.)

Lufis: Darkshadows, I need the bay leaves. I'm cookin' up a stew.

DS: What kind of stew?

Lufis: Bay leaf stew, you idiot. Where do you keep them?

DS: In the spice rack.

Lufis: That spice rack's been broken for three months.

DS: Well, then, it should be with the oregano.

Lufis: (angry) Well, where's the oregano?!

DS: Hell if I know. You're on your own, Swordy McSwordpants.

Lufis: You're no help at all.

(Lufis leaves. Mere seconds later, Pointy Hair Man enters comically.)

PHM: Hey, Darkshadows -

DS: (not looking up from his work) Leave.

PHM: Okie-doke!

(Pointy Hair Man exits comically. Cut downstairs, where Grim is playing The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion on Darkshaodws' Xbox 360. Lufis is watching.)

Lufis: Don't let him cast!

Grim: I'm trying, I'm trying!

Lufis: Cast Silence!

Grim: Silence? Cast? I'm a pure combat character! The only spells I know are "Flash Bolt" and "Heal Minor Wounds".

Lufis: You idiot, he's going to cream you.

Grim: DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?!

(A large explosing eminates from the game, and some game over music plays.)

Lufis: See? He nuked you.

Grim: What the hell kind of spell was that?!

Lufis: A good one. Unlike all the spells you can cast. Pure fighter, indeed.

(Fred rolls down the stairs, translator belt on. He rolls over to Darkshadows' chair and flumps into it.)

Lufis: Hey, Fred.

Fred: Hey, Lufis. Hey, Grim.

Grim: Hey.

Fred: So, what do you guys think about Darkshadows' text adventure game?

Lufis: Darkshadows is making a text adventure game? I thought they stopped making those in the 90's.

Fred: No, apparently, people still make them.

Grim: I remember trying to play one of those. I couldn't even 'look door' without getting a three page description of the thing. I mean, how detailed can you get about a door?

Lufis: I like those MUDs. Y'know, the ones where you play with and against other people.

Fred: Those aren't really 'adventures', though. Those are just level treadmills. I don't see how people can play those things.

Lufis: (irritated) I wonder how aerodynamic you are.

Fred: Shutting up, sir.

(cut to Teatime's Fortress of Shadow, specifically, the Foyer of Fear. Teatime, Jordan, and Dionysus are sitting around, reading. Dionysus suddenly closes his book, which is entitled, "How to Cope With Loss You Don't Care About".)

Teatime: (not looking up) What is it, Dio?

Dionysus: I felt a disturbance in the force. As if millions of people suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

Teatime: Hmm. Uwe Boll must be making another movie.

Dionysus: Yeah, that's *cookie explosion* probably it.

(Dionysus opens his book again.)

Teatime:  hear Darkshadows is making a text adventure game.

Jordan: (looking up) They still make those?

Teatime: I know, I was shocked too.

Dionysus: I tried to play one of those once. I tried to open a door, and as much as I tried, I couldn't figure out how. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I had to 'pull lever'.

Teatime: Yeah.

(The three go back to reading. Cut to Ponty sitting in his house, watching TV.)

TV: (in the voice Sean Connery) You're the man now, dog!

Ponty: Y'know, now that I watch it, this movie really isn't all that great.

(Silence from Ponty as Finding Forrester continues. The pause continues for about ten seconds before Ponty looks at the camera.)

Ponty: What? I already know Darkshadows is writing a text adventure game. Why do I need to say it?

(cut to Darkshadows again, still at work in Microsoft Word. He looks over his shoulder to the camera.)

DS: What, I suppose you want me to answer an e-mail? Well, how's this for an e-mail: Dear readers, leave me alone and get the hell out of my house, yours truly, Darkshadows. Now, get out of my house, you leeches. I'm not here for your entertainment.

(Pointy Hair Man walks back into the room with a tire.)

PHM: Hes, Darkshadows, I got you a delicious slice of pie.

DS: OUT!

PHM: Okay, but I'm leaving the pie here.

(Pointy Hair Man throws the tire onto Darkshadows' bed, which creaks a bit from the weight, and then he leaves.)

DS: (angrily pointing at the camera) You too, OUT!

(The camera rushes out of the house and goes static.)

[that_lufis]

This is a toon that Lufis wrote

It's called

The Eternal

It's the Season Four Finale

There Might Also Be A Game, Too

I Wouldn't Hold My Breath, Though






(cut to Despot Drive. The camera, positioned in the middle of the street, has clear view of Darkshadows' House and the Abandoned House directly across from Darkshadows' House. It zooms into a second-story window of Darkshadows' house, and we eventually see inside, where Darkshadows is sitting in the second-story hallway, looking out the window. He has a water gun in his lap, and about fifty waterballoons sitting on the floor next to him. Lufis walks up behind the Shadow.)

DS: Report.

Lufis: (bored) They haven't done anything.

DS: They will.

Lufis: What do you care if Teatime took that old house?

DS: What do I care, what do I CARE?! If he's there (points to abandoned house), and I'm here (points to the chair), then he's not over there (points over his shoulder, a bit off to the left), and I'm still right HERE (points to self)! That mean's he's GAINED GROUND! I have go to make sure that doesn't work to his advantage. There is going to be a guard here, and a guard downstairs at all times! ...that is, as soon as I can afford them, until then, you and I will have to do.

Lufis: I still don't understand how you roped me into this.

DS: Look, do you want your lilacs back?

Lufis: (now slightly fearful) Yes...

DS: Then you'll go along with this.

Lufis: (nastily) Of course.

DS: Good. That it?

Lufis: Yeah.

DS: Then get back downstairs and look out for Jordan. He left the house an hour ago, and I want to make sure he's not trafficking arms over there.

Lufis: Right.

(Lufis leaves. Darkshadows takes out some binoculars and looks out the window with them. Cut to the abandoned house, where Teatime is pacing by the front door. Dionysus enters.)

Dionysus: Sir!

Teatime: What, Dio?

Dionysus: Nothing to report, sir!

Teatime: What is the deal?! He knows we're here! Why isn't he going all... Darkshadows on us?

Dionysus: I don't *it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood* know, sir.

Teatime: Well, you better get back upstairs. You never know what might happen.

(cut to outside Darkshadows' house, where Grim and Carol are partrolling. Grim spots something off in the distance, and stops Carol.)

Grim: Look.

(Zoom forward to see Jordan, carrying a bag of groceries, whistling down the street, on the abandoned house side of the road. Carol pulls out a walkie-talkie.)

Carol: Big Ben, come in, Big Ben, this is Azure Watchtower. The turkey is approaching to dinner table, repeat, turkey approaching dinner table, over.

DS: (on walkie-talkie) This is Big Ben, Azure Watchtower, I have visual confirmation. Fall back immediately. Over.

(Carol and Grim go back into the house. Jordan approaches the abandoned house, still whistling merrily. On the second floor, Darkshadows is aiming a high-pressure water gun shaped like a sniper rifle at Jordan.)

DS: Steady...

(Jordan whistles some more.)

DS: Steady...

(Jordan prepares to turn down the walk of the abandoned house. Darkshadows fires his water gun, hitting Jordan in the back and causing him to drop his groceries.)

Jordan: Oooh!

(Jordan turns and pulls out a water gun of his own, a handgun, and spots Darkshadows, laughing.)

Jordan: You're gonna pay for that, Darkshadows!

(Jordan fires his water gun at Darkshadows, but the water arc doesn't reach the shadow's sniper's nest. Jordan growls, then grabs the groceries, holsters his water gun, and moves to go into the abandoned house. As he enters, we cut to see Teatime greet Jordan.)

Teatime: Did you get the goods?

Jordan: Yeah, no thanks to Darkshadows.

(Jordan reaches into the grocery bag, pulling out each item he says as he says it.)

Jordan: Lettuce... onions... potatoes... lunches and dinners for the next two weeks... granola bars for Sallie... raw hamburger for Dio... chocolate pudding cups for you... cherry soda for me... Yep, that's it.

(Teatime looks from Jordan to the bag, then slap Jordan in the face.)

Teatime: WHERE ARE THE GUNS?!

Jordan: Goods Unlimited was out of guns.

Teatime: You're telling me that they didn't have UZIs?

Jordan: Nope, none.

Teatime: Springfields?

Jordan: No.

Teatime: AK-47s?

Jordan: Fresh out.

Teatime: They didn't have any handguns? No Colts, no Desert Eagles, no Smith and Wessons, no... anything?!

Jordan: Cleared. Completely.

Teatime: Did they even have BB guns?

Jordan: Not a one.

Teatime: Did they have ANYTHING that could be made to even RESEMBLE a real weapon?

Jordan: Besides the large number of water guns? No.

Teatime: ...I hate... this... town.

Jordan: I know, sir.

Teatime: (really angry) STOP AGREEING WITH ME AND GET BACK TO YOUR POST!

Jordan: (shaky salute) Yes, SIR!

(Jordan runs upstairs. Teatime's hair seems to crackle with shadow energy.)

Teatime: Pitiful... rrrgh... stupid... agh!

(cut to Darkshadows' perch. Darkshadows is peering out the window, training his rifle on a butterfly in his yard. Carol walks up behind him.)

DS: Report, Dyson.

Carol: Sir, we captured an enemy operative. We have him in the basement now.

DS: Excellent. Have Lufis interrogate him.

Carol: Who will take his post, sir?

DS: Get Beaky to do it.

Carol: Yes sir.

(Carol walks away. Cut to the basement, although we can't see it very well. There are no lights on. After a few seconds, we can hear footsteps, and then a light turns on. Ponty is bound and gagged in a chair. Lufis is walking down the basement stairs, wearing civilian clothing instead of armor. He carries a riot club. Lufis descends the stairs leisurely, walking up to the helpless Ponty. He then ungags Ponty.)

Lufis: Hello, Ponty.

(Ponty spits in Lufis' face. Amused, Lufis wipes off the spit with a gloved hand.)

Lufis: I see you've still got some fight in you. Grim must not have taken it all out of you.

(Silence.)

Lufis: What is Teatime's plot?

(Ponty keeps silent.)

Lufis: Oh, I see. What did he offer you, Ponty? A ham? A turkey? A cow?

Ponty: Cow.

Lufis: A cow, I see.

Ponty: And a cut.

Lufis: A cut out of what?

Ponty: His scheme.

Lufis: Which is...?

(Ponty clams up again.)

Lufis: Hmm...

(Lufis begins to circle Ponty.)

Lufis: Let's count the charges... Let's see, there's littering, that's a fine... assault and battery, there's three or four years... conspiracy to depose a leader, there's ten years... treason there's 100 years... Hmm...

(Lufis stops in front of Ponty.)

Lufis: (quietly) I am authorized to make it all go away if you just tell me what Teatime is going to do.

Ponty: Yeah, right.

Lufis: You think I'm bluffing. I have the edict with me.

(Lufis pulls out a piece of paper from his pants pocket and shows it to Ponty. Ponty reads it.)

Lufis: Tell me when you're done.

(A few minutes pass. Ponty nods, grim.)

Lufis: You see, Ponty, despite your gross incompetence, tenuous loyalty and questionable intellegence, we are not going to destroy your life. We are not the heartless monsters Teatime makes us out to be. All you have to do is tell me what he plans to accomplish.

(Ponty keeps silent. Lufis, irritated, smashes Ponty's head with the club.)

Lufis: I sick of these games, Ma En! You are going to tell me what I want to know one way or the other.

Ponty: Go to hell.

(Lufis hits Ponty again.)

Lufis: Tell me what I want to know, Ponty!

Ponty: Get out of my face!

Lufis: (each word punctuated with a strike to Ponty's head) Tell! Me! What! He! Wants!

Ponty: Fine!

(silence)

Ponty: He wants... he wants... the Zharahal Fragment.

Lufis: The... the what?

Ponty: The Zharahal Fragment! It's a Sha'hardiadic artifact. It's said that when Sha'hardin fought the Grey Knight of Aragon, Sir Zharahal, he shattered a jewel on Sir Zharahal's helm. This killed the knight, as the jewel held the knight's soul.

Lufis: I know my share of Shadonic scripture, get to the part where Teatime wants the Fragment.

Ponty: He found the tomb of a High Priest of Sha'hardin name Kulasha in that house. He thinks that the Fragment lies in the depths of that tomb.

Lufis: No wonder...

(Lufis proceeds to walk away, then stops and comes back, smacking Ponty with the club again.)

Lufis: Do you think I'm Pointy Hair Man, you fat idiot?! Do you have ANY idea of who your dealing with?! The Fragment was found by a Spainish conquistador in 1476 and thrown into the Atlantic! If Teatime wanted the thing, he'd go on an undersea expedition! Now, TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!

Ponty: Okay! He's not looking for the Fragment. He wants the bodies of the interred in that tomb.

Lufis: Better. Much better. WHY?

Ponty: He wants... undead minions.

Lufis: There, now, isn't it good when you tell me the truth?

(Lufis pulls out a dagger and cuts Ponty loose, handing him the edict.)

Lufis: There, now, get out of my sight.

(Ponty runs off. Cut to the Forces of Shadow, inside the house, by a very conspicuous stone slab acting as some sort of door.)

Teatime: Alright, Dio, you're with me.

Sallie: Hey, how come HE always gets to go.

Jordan: He's the newbie. Only the newbie gets taken to a secure location.

Dionysus: I kinda figured I was being *zip zop zoobity bop* singled out.

Teatime: Okay, stand back.

(Dionysus, Jordan, and Sallie stand back. Teatime drops to one knee and begins to pray in Shadonic.)

Teatime: Gozolaz Sha'hardia zoafu re'at sotaha be'ar tenaza tulthta. Me'aza furzanhi jut'ha Kulasha ne'au, re'at tenaza kuul. Merca furix gemhi be'ar zoafu hurati re'o! SHA'HARDIA RE'AT TENAZA! SHA'HARDIA FURTANI ZOAFU!

(With a low rumble, the stone slab slowly lowers into a slat in the floor. Teatime rises, and nod to Dionysus, and the two descend into the tomb. Cut outside the abandoned house, where Darkshadows, Lufis (armored again), Pointy Hair Man, and Carol have readied themselves for battle. They are on either side of the front door ready to ambush anything that enters. Darkshadows signals, and Carol moves into position to pick the lock. The door opens after a few seconds of picking.)

DS: (mouthing) One.

(Lufis reaches back for Jake. Carol unholsters a handgun.)

DS: (mouthing) Two.

(Pointy Hair Man quietly panics for a second, then grabs a solid tree branch from the ground.)

DS: (mouthing) Three!

(Darkshadows creates a shadow energy blade and rushes inside, screaming, as the others follow. Darkshadows stops screaming when he realizes that no-one is in the room he just entered, the living room. An overturned couch catches his eye, and his eye slits widen.)

DS: Duck!

(The four duck just as Jordan pops out from behind the sofa with an assault rifle, spraying bullets everywhere. He runs out of bullets after a few seconds, and ducks under the sofa to reload. Sallie then jumps from behind the couch with her sword, preparing to engage Darkshadows. Sallie lifts her sword over her head, and then Pointy Hair Man whacks her in the head with his branch, knocking her unconscious. Lufis quickly dives over the couch and puts Jake to Jordan's neck.)

Lufis and Jake: Surrender!

Jordan: Okay, okay, fine. It's not like I'm getting paid, anyhow.

(Lufis picks up Sallie and leads Jordan out of the house by swordpoint. Pointy Hair Man follows, leaving Darkshadows and Carol in the house. Cut to a central chamber of the Tomb of Kulasha, where Teatime and Dio have stopped next to an altar. Teatime is praying again, once again, in Shadonic.)

Teatime: Gozolaz Sha'hardia zoafu re'at sotaha be'ar tenaza tulthta. Re'let zuris Kulasha ne'edri fao'lo kunai. Retre go'zza hialti makla turerta. Noretha hialti stoaha tulthta be'ar juarni. Hlari huari hernira!  SHA'HARDIA FURIX GE'ELSI! SHA'HARDIA FURTANI ZOAFU!

(The altar begins to glow, and a scepter forms out from the altar, levitating above the slab. Teatime catches it.)

Teatime: Ahhh... the Cudgel of Kulasha... I never thought I would hold this in my hand...

Dionysus: What does it *C-C-C-C-Combo breaker!* do, Lord Teatime?

Teatime: This.

(Teatime flourishes, pointing the scepter at a body at rest. Dark energy surrounds the scepter and the body, vaporizing the coprse's skin, leving only the skeleton behind. The skeleton rises, and walks precariousy towards Teatime.)

Skeleton: ...ria... ria klath'ii tumar?

Teatime: Sha'hardia furtani zoafu.

Skeleton: ...Sha'hardia furtani zoafu.

(Teatime smirks.)

Teatime: They're mine. My own private army of the living dead! The Cudgel will help me destroy Darkshadows once and for all!

Carol: (from a distance) Not quite!

Teatime: Huh?

(swivel and zoom to see Carol holding a RPG launcher in one hand, ready to fire.)

Carol: Sha'hardia furtani zoafu THIS, god boy!

(Carol fires, sending a rocket propelled grenade screaming toward Teatime. Suddenly, mere millimeters from the man's face, it stops. It falls to the ground, harmlessly, then turns to dust.)

Teatime: Pitiful. Even without the Cudgel of Kulasha, I could destroy you easily. But now that I have it...

(Teatime begins to spin in place, holding the scepter out in front on him. Both he and the Cudgel begin to glow, as do other interred bodies, which promptly turn into skeletons.)

Skeleton #2: Ruafo ni'aa?

Skeleton #3: Hlafo rubuxi.

Skeleton #4: Furix zoafu.

Teatime: SHA'HARDIA FURTANI ZOAFU!

All skeletons: SHA'HARDIA FURTANI ZOAFU!

Teatime: SHA'HARDIN SHALL REIGN ETERNAL!

All skeletons: SHA'HARDIA FURTANI ZOAFU!

(Carol is backing away, frightened.)

Teatime: ALL GLORY TO THE UNHOLY FATHER!

All skeletons: SHA'HARDIA FURTANI ZOAFU!

(Carol tries to run back the way she came, but the way is blocked by a skeleton. She leaps back, but bumps into another skeleton.)

Skeleton Closest to Carol: Sha'hardia infeni.

Skeleton Second Closest to Carol: Ruafo infeni.

Carol: Get away from me!

(Carol drops her RPG launcher, and pulls out her sidearm, shooting the skeleton closest to her in its skull. It drops for a second, then stands back up.)

Skeleton Closest to Carol: Curmafo ghaol re'el turmai!

Darkshadows' Voice: What the hell is going on here?

(pan to the side a bit to see Darkshadows looking at the skeletons, then at Carol, then at Teatime and Dionysus.)

DS: I should have figured.

Teatime: (confuesd) Should have? I thought you already did.

DS: Nevermind! What's with the skeletons?

Teatime: Allow me to explain. Let's say Antagonist X hates Hero Y. Now, X has knowledge and access to Artifact A, while Y has no knowledge of A or X's plans for A. X gains A, then Y finds X preparing to use A to kill off Supporting Cast Member B. X lets B go to get to Y, and uses A to get Y, killing off B, Y, and maybe Supporting Characters C through I as well.

DS: (confused) Ugh... too many letters.

Teatime: Alright, then. Let me explain it in one phrase. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!

DS: Whoa, I'm totally getting déjà vu here.

Teatime: Shut up! Sepsari!

(The skeletons clatter to attention. Teatime points at Darkshadows.)

Teatime: Exucur'il fexis shiada! SHA'HARDIA FURTANI ZOAFU!

(The skeletons move to attack Darkshadows. Carol bolts for the door;the skeletons ignore her. As Darkshadows begins to fight the skeletons, vainly, Teatime opens a gate, allowing him and Dionysus to escape.)

Darkshadows: Hey, what's the matter, Teatime? Too afraid to do your own dirty work?

(Teatime stops for a second.)

Teatime: Don't underestimate the power of the Cudgel of Kulasha.

(Teatime enters the gate after Dionysus, and it closes. Darkshadows takes a few more swipes at the skeletons, then withdraws. The skeletons clatter off after him. Darkshadows floats out of the tomb and out of the house to be greeted by Lufis and Pointy Hair Man.)

Lufis: Darkshadows, what-

DS: PHM, go get Alouise, and don't act stupid about it! Lufis, help me keep these skeletons at bay!

Lufis: Why can't you - wait, skeletons?

DS: Teatime got an undead-raising stick or something, no time to explain! (to PHM) What are you waiting for, MOVE!

(Pointy Hair Man runs off. We follow him running down crowded Downtown Underworld streets to the outskirts of town, and into Alouise's Book Curio. Alouise is sitting at the counter, sleeping. Pointy Hair Man rushes to wake him.)

PHM: Alouise, wake up! Alouise! C'mon, wake up!

(Alouise wakes up.)

Alouise: Wrr... wha... Oh, it's you, Robbie. What do you need?

PHM: There's trouble?

Alouise: Trouble? Toruble? There's always trouble. I'm tired of trouble. (excited) ...what kind of trouble?

PHM: Darkshadows found some skeletons that Teatime made with a stick!

Alouise: Hmm... Take me there.

(Cut to Lufis and Darkshadows vainly trying to fight the skeletons. No matter how many times they try to destroy the abominations, the skeletons recreate themselves and keep on fighting. Alouise, with his priest hat on, and Pointy Hair Man, with a new stick, come to the scene.)

Alouise: Oh, my. These... these are the Spawn of Kulasha... That must mean... the Cudgel!

DS: (straining in a lock with a skeleton) Yeah, he said something about a cudgel, alright.

Alouise: It's a good thing you called me. I know how to weaken these creatures.

(Alouise claps his hands twice, then touches the sun necklace around his neck. A bright flash of light penetrates the skeletons, causing them to cry in agony.)

Alouise: That should weaken them!

(Alouise raises his hand, and a golden mace descends from the sky into his hand. Then, he joins Lufis and Darkshadows in dispatching the skeletons.)

DS: Whew... what... what were those things?

Alouise: Those were not your average, run-of-the-mill skeletons. Those creatures are the Spawn of Kulasha the First, the first Grand Arch-Canon of the Church of Shadow. He died around 1820, and his followers built this house to hold his body. He had his five unholy items strewn across the world at different times so that one day, his legacy could be repeated. The Cudgel was interred with him; his Cauldron was lost during the Battle of Berlin in World War II; his Robes, stolen from the Smithsonian a week after it was built; his Cap, held by Custer during the Last Stand, was thrown into the woods by the victorious indians; and finally, his Phylactery, which is said to house Kulasha's soul, was thrown into the air by Kulasha himself, seconds before he was stoned to death. It was never recovered.

Lufis: Gods, you sound like me on one of my tirades.

Alouise: This is serious, Lufis! Teatime is already exponetially more dangerous with the Cudgel in tow: if he had all the artifacts, there would be no stopping him!

DS: How do we find them?

Alouise: We'd need to have access to the Bibliotheka Sha'hardia, the Library of Sha'hardin, the greatest repository of forgotten unholy lore in the world. We'd need to peruse its vast stores of knowledge for weeks, researching day in and day out for any sort of clue. That is, if we could even get in.

DS: Sounds like we're beat.

Alouise: Not quite. I know one way to get the information we seek...

(End Part One)

[Conner]

Exciting. Can't wait to read part 2.

[that_lufis]

The Eternal: Part II

(cut to the Non-Denominational Church of Tog. Alouise, flanked by Darkshadows and Lufis, is at a podium, giving a sermon to other members of the clergy.)

Alouise: The Adversary grows stronger with every passing moment. If the Adversary's champion gathers the Relics of Kulasha, no one is safe. Not Underworld, not Burning Horizon, not even the real Earth. We must stop the Adversary here! May Tog give us strength.

Clergy: May Tog give us strength.

Alouise: Tonight, we will raid the Fortress of Tea for any sort of clues as to the whereabouts of Teatime or the Relics. Tonight, we strike a blow for righteousness!

Clergy: We shall strike with the fury of Elysium.

Alouise: We shall smite the Adversary!

Clergy: Tog give us strength.

DS: (whispering to Lufis) Is it just me, or do these guys remind you of the Church of Shadow?

Lufis: (whispering to Darkshadows) It's a dualist religion, Darkshadows. The two sides, even if they are polar opposites, are pretty much the same.

DS: (whispering to Lufis) That doesn't make sense.

Lufis: (whispering to Darkshadows) Does anything in this e-mail thread ever make sense?

DS: (whispering to Lufis) ...Touché.

(cut to Teatime in a dark room. The only source of light are some dark red candles burning on an altar. Teatime is praying in front of the altar.)

Teatime: Sha'hardia interi falex giltoxa litos. Sha'hardia fe'lar tumacha. Sha'hardia furtani zoafu.

(A door opens, apparently opened by Sallie.)

Sallie: John?

Teatime: (slightly irked) What is it, Sal?

Sallie: We have a clue.

Teatime: Later.

Sallie: I'm just following your orders, John.

Teatime: (warming slightly) I know, Sal. Is that it?

Sallie: That's all.

Teatime: Alright. I'll be in my chambers after I'm done here. Oh, wait.

Sallie: Yes, John?

Teatime: I want you to get the Blackguard over here immediately. Now that we have one of the Relics, I don't want to risk it being stolen by Darkshadows.

Sallie: Of course.

Teatime: Oh, and Sal?

Sallie: Mmm?

Teatime: Sha'hardia furtani zoafu.

Sallie: Sha'hardia infeni.

(Sallie leaves. Cut to an exterior shot of the Fortress of Tea, at night. Security has been increased substancially, as guards clad in black police gear survey the grounds. They carry brand new assault rifles, and wear necklaces adorned with the holy symbol of Sha'hardin, a black cloud emcompassing the world. However, we can see Darkshadows, Grim, and five figures in black jumpsuits sneak in the grounds from the right side. Zoom in to see that three of the figures in black are Lufis, Carol, and Pointy Hair Man.)

DS: Alright, stick to the plan: if you get caught, go ape on everyone. If you don't, don't. I want some sort of report on his progress in getting the Relics, got me? Now, does anyone have any questions?

PHM: I have a question.

DS: (sigh) What?

PHM: Why don't the blue and red M&Ms taste different?

DS: ...does anyone have any relevant questions?

Lufis: No.

Spy #1: No.

Spy #2: Nope.

Carol: Not really.

PHM: My shoulder itches.

DS: Good. Grim, you're with me. Lufis, take PHM and make sure he doesn't... you know... act like PHM.

Lufis: Rightio.

DS: (pointing to the unnamed spies) You two are with Carol.

Spy #1: Right, sir.

DS: Alright, fellows, let's get those plans!

(The infiltrating bands begin to break, then everyone except Darkshadows stops. Darkshadows realizes that no-one is following him, so he stops, as well, and turns back to the others.)

DS: What?

Lufis: We just realized that sending seven people into the Fortress is about the stupidest idea ever. You do it.

DS: Well, I'm not doing it alone.

Lufis: All in favor of Darkshadows going alone?

Everyone except Darkshadows: Aye.

Lufis: All opposed?

DS: Nay!

Lufis: You lose. Get going.

(Darkshadows grumbles away towards the Fortress. Cut to the Killing Kitchen of the Fortress of Tea, where a chef is preparing a meal. We see Darkshadows rise up from behind him, punch him in the back of the head, and take his uniform.)

DS: Dinner is served.

(Cut to the door out of the kitchen. A blackguard [one of the guards from before] is guarding the door. Darkshadows opens the door, holding a plate of food.)

Blackguard: Hey, Gestald.

DS: Oh, er, hey... you.

Blackguard: What is Lord Teatime having tonight?

DS: He's, er, having some, er, chicken. Strudel. Cakes.

Blackguard: Mmm, delicious. Well, I shouldn't keep you.

DS: Yeah, that's right. You'd better not keep me.

(Darkshadows glides away. Cut to Darkshadows gliding down a hall, discarding the tray and removing the chef's outfit.)

DS: (grumble, grumble) stupid Teatime and his stupid religion (grumble, grumble) oughta tax churches double (grumble, grumble)

(Darkshadows notices a door marked "Cash".)

DS: (quietly) Alright, here's Cash's room.

(Darkshadows opens to door. It is indeed Jordan's room, and he is sleeping on a cot in the corner. On a table, a manila folder sits, conspicuously out-of-place. Darkshadows nabs the folder, then exits the room. He scans the contents of the folder quickly, and a grin creeps onto his face.)

DS: (mothing) Jackpot.

(Darkshadows glides back the way he came. The Blackguard from before is still guarding the door, however, and Darkshadows stops before the guard can see him. The guard yawns. Darkshadows edges to the corner of the hallway he occupies and fires a shadow energy bolt some distance away from the guard. The guard notices the impact.)

Blackguard: What the shadow?

(The blackguard abandons his post to investigate, and Darkshadows successfully exfiltrates. Outside, he and the others go back to Darkshadows' house. Cut to a war room, seemingly installed into Darkshadows' basement. Darkshadows, Grim, Alouise, Lufis, Carol, [Fred sans belt], and Spriggians sit at the table, perusing the notes.)

Lufis: So, we know he has the location of the second relic, the Cauldron. Alouise, what do we know about the Cauldron.

Alouise: It is a pot of shadonic energies, primarily used to enhance Spawn created with the Cudgel of Kulasha. The Spawn so placed in the cauldron are called Cauldron Born.

DS: And this would help Teatime how?

Alouise: Yes, well, you see, Cauldron Born are stronger and faster than Spawn, can think and reason, and can give orders to Spawn. They are also somewhat resistant to our anti-undead energies. It would take much more holy firepower to render a Cauldron Born vulnerable than a Spawn.

Grim: So, in other terms, the Cauldron is serious business.

Alouise: Yes. Now, have we gathered the location?

Fred: Granite.

Spriggians: Yes, he has. (pointing a claw to a map of the world pinned to the table) The folder contained directions leading to an old Shadonic temple in Cologne, Germany. It was abandoned during the Cold War and converted into tenement housing. A tomb, similar to the one we found in the abandoned house here, will lead us to the altar that holds the Cauldron.

Alouise: The altar will only give up the Cauldron to a member of the Shadonic preisthood, and a high-ranking member, at that. Only three people would qualify: Teatime, Grand High Canon Gemel Shiron, and the enigmatic Zoafuah.

DS: The Zoafuah?

Alouise: Think the Pope, and you've got the right idea.

DS: Oh, I see.

Lufis: We can be sure that the theft of the folder has already been reported, so we have to move fast. We need to set up permanent operations here, and get the Church of Tog to help guard. It may be the only way we can keep our operations safe.

Alouise: The vanguards are already here, Lufis.

Lufis: Ah, one step ahead as always. That's what I like about you, Mr. McLain, we work on the same wavelength.

Alouise: I aim to please.

Carol: Permission to speak freely?

DS: It's a free country. For now.

Carol: No offense, Deacon McLain, but we're going to need a bit more than preists with guns to protect our HQ. We need heavy weaponry. And lots of it.

Grim: She's right. I've seen the vanguards in action, and they're good, Alouise, but we've seen the blackguards do incredible acts of destrucion all over the globe.

Alouise: You're right, of course, but to get heavy armaments, we need connections with a military group, and that's something we don't have.

Pointy Hair Man: Ask the Swiss!

DS: You idiot! The Swiss won't help us! They're neutral!

Lufis: He's right, Rob. Despite the Swiss Army's strong military and useful knives, they just won't go to war.

DS: What about Teatime?

Alouise: He has connections in Russia, North Korea, Iran, Egypt, Germany, France, and Spain, not to mention here in the States and in Canada and Mexico. He'll have no problem gathering a superior force.

DS: So what are you saying, Alouise? Are we done for?

Alouise: I can assure you that half of his contacts will back out as soon as they figure out he's using undead in his army. Not all Shadonic followers like the undead.

Carol: We still need to secure additional forces! WE HAVE NO ARMY. I've seen the Shadonic army. It's well-trained, well-funded, and brutally efficient. And it's hidden. I have no way of knowing, really, whether all of those vanguards upstairs are actually sleeper blackguards or whether they're loyal to the Church of Tog. You don't either.

Lufis: I do.

Carol: Well, there is that, but you can't possibly ask every single person if he's really who he says he is!

Lufis: That is true.

Spriggians: People, pseudo-people, rocks! We can't start doing this!

Grim: Shut up, Spriggians, you're a minor character.

Spriggians: So are you.

Grim: No, I'm a supporting character. You are a bit character. You are only funny because you are a novely. I am funny because I've got a really big scythe and can do a killer Johnny Carson impression.

Fred: Better granite homes, better.

Spriggians: See? Fred backs me up.

Grim: No-one can understand what he's SAYING!

DS: I can.

Lufis: I can.

Pointy Hair Man: My armpit smells like fetid peas, is that normal?

Alouise: SILENCE!

(Everyone immediately stops arguing.)

Alouise: The cat is right. We can't start with this infighting! We need to learn to live with each other, and to respect one another's opinion.

Lufis: ...but where are we going to get an army?

DS: We don't need one.

Everyone except Darkshadows and Alouise: WHAT?!

DS: All we have to do is get those relics.

Lufis: Darkshadows, be reasonable. That theft was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The Fortress will be on total lockdown from now onward. We can't pull off another mission there.

Grim: Not to mention that Teatime will most likely move his base of operations and leave either Sallie or Dionysus in charge.

Alouise: I have it.

Lufis: What?

Alouise: Gemel Shiron.

Lufis: And to think I though we worked on the same wavelength.

Alouise: I knew Gemel Shiron before he converted and after. In both instances, he was staunchly anti-undead.

Carol: It's not that long of a shot, actually. Teatime hates Shiron, he's always plotting some way to overthrow him.

DS: We're wasting time. We need to get to Cologne, now, before Teatime gets the Cauldron. If he can augment his troops with these Cauldron Born, we need to cut him off at the pass. We'll need some holy support.

Lufis: I can mimic the resonations of the holy energy that disable the Spawn.

DS: Oh, really?

Lufis: Yeah.

DS: Then WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THEM BEFORE?!

Lufis: I didn't know what they were, first off. I thought they were regular skeletons. Secondly, I didn't have it prepared that day. I do now. I can easily weaken a company of Spawn.

DS: Fair enough, but there may be more.

Lufis: (sigh) You're right, of course.

Alouise: A team of Elite Vanguards will accompany you.

Lufis: I suppose, but we can't draw attention. We'll have to go civilian.

Jake: (from Lufis' scabbard) Hey, what about me?

Lufis: Alouise will need you with him. He can't hold off the Adversary like he used to.

Alouise: Agreed. Jake will come with me. Carol, you try to get in contact with Teatime's allies. Let's see if we can get them to turn against him. Grim, you and Spriggians stay here and advise the Vanguard.

Grim: Of course.

Spriggians: Like I have a choice.

Alouise: I will get Gemel Shiron. And Robert... well...

(Pointy Hair Man is drawing flowers on his arm.)

Alouise: Robert can just be Robert.

DS: Alright! Let's go!

(cut to the German city of Cologne, where Darkshadows, Lufis [unarmored and without Jake] and four brightly dressed civilians [the vanguards, two male, two female] are consulting a map.)

DS: I can't make heads or tails of this. I mean, is this even the right map? It says "Köln" at the top.

Lufis: "Köln" is the German name for Cologne.

Vanguard #1: What does that mean, Street or Avenue?

Lufis: They don't have separate words for things like streets and avenues and boulevards and parkways and crap. They just use street.

Vanguard #1: Funky.

Female Vanguard #1: May Tog have mercy on our souls.

DS: And what the hell is a "Hamburger?"

(Lufis and the vanguards look at Darkshadows with severe frustration.)

DS: What?

Lufis: Well, we're on Handbrenner Straße now, and we need to get to Holmeiner Straße.

Female Vanguard #2: I'm sorry, this map is too confusing.

Lufis: Look, do you want to stop the Adversary or don't you?

Female Vanguard #2: Well... yes...

Lufis: Then stop whining and ask for help.

Female Vanguard #2: I can't speak German.

Lufis: There's nothing to it. All you have to do is put -en at the end of words and throw in some 'und's and some 'aber's, and you're set.

Female Vanguard #2: Alright.

(The second Female Vanguard stops a pedestrian.)

Female Vanguard #2: Um, excusen und meen, wheren isen theen Hausenbärger apartmentsen?

Civilian: (confused) Entschuldigung? [Excuse me?]

Female Vanguard #2: Um... canen youen understanden meen?

Civilian: I habe keine Idee was Sie haben gesagt. (I have no clue what you're saying.)

Lufis: (shoving the vanguard out of the way) Oh, let me! (clears throat) Enschuldigung, wir sind Touristen aus Amerika, und wir suchen für die Wohnungen Hausenbärger. Unsere Freund wohnt da. (Pardon me, we're tourist from America, and we're looking for the Hausenbärger Apartment complex. Our friend lives there.)

Civilian: Nach links, dann nach rechts an die Holmeiner Straße. (Go left, then right on Holmeiner Straße.)

Lufis: Danke schön. (Thank you very much.)

(The civilian walks off.)

Lufis: Left, then right on the street we want.

DS: Jeez, what, do you, like know every language?

Lufis: You kinda get used to having the gift of tongues. Let's go.

(cut to the apartments. The group enters, but they find the foyer of the apartment complex in shambles.)

Lufis: They're here.

(Gunshots peal, and the six duck behind fallem debris. Two blackguards are firing from a balcony on the right-hand side of the foyer. Lufis chants, and his hand glows bright red. Aiming for a blackguard, he releases a ball of fire from his hand, which blasts the targeted blackguard into ash. The other blackfguard gets caught by shrapnel and goes down.)

Vanguard #2: We're too late!

Female Vanguard #1: We noticed.

DS: C'mon! We have to keep Teatime from getting the Cauldron!

(Breaking to the left, Darkshadows darts to the opposite end of the Foyer. More gunfire peals from the right side balcony of the foyer. Darkshadows fires a shadow blast at the gunmen, and the rifles fall silent. A clattering catches Darkshadows' attention. A couple of Spawn have appeared from behind two half-ruined pillars, and move to attack Darkshadows. Darkshadows creates his sword while Lufis fires off a bolt of blindingly white energy at one of the Spawn, causing it to recoil from the blast of holy enrgy. Darkshadows dispatches this weakened spawn. He then raises his sword to defend from the other Spawn as Lufis throws another bolt at it. Darkshadows quickly dispatches this one as well. Scanning the area, Darkshadows notices a stone door, recently opened.)

DS: C'mon!

(The six hurry down the passage and into a tomb, similar to the one in the abandoned house. There, Teatime, Jordan, and about fifteen Spawn stand near an altar. Teatime is praying.

Teatime: ...furtani zoafu.

(The altar begins to glow, and a cauldron, black as night, emerges from the sheer marble surface. It come to rest with not so much as a thud. Teatime notices Darkshadows.)

Teatime: Well, if it isn't Dumb Shadows.

(Jordan raises his rifle.)

Teatime: (amused) Hold.

(Jordan lowers the gun. Teatime smirks.)

Teatime: It is rather fortunate that you all arrived when you did. I would have hated it if you had missed the party.

(Teatime snaps his fingers, and a Spawn come forward. Teatime motions toward the cauldron, and the Spawn climbs in. Immediately, the cauldron glows with Shadonic energy. After a few second, the golwing subsides, and a creature much more intimidating emerges from the cauldron. It seems to have toughened bones, with spikes jutting out of its shoulders and kneecaps. It's eye sockets, instead of being empty, now have two flawless rubies stuck in them. They begin to sparkle brilliantly, with a keen, intellegent quality. It flanks Teatime and faces Darkshadows and the others.)

Teatime: (regarding the creature) The Cauldron Born. A creature of unholy power and intelligence. Nowhere smart as me or McCormick, mind, but definitely smarter than you, Deficient Smarts. And now, I bid you all... adieu. Until we meet again, my friends... at Sha'jarahal. At the Reckoning. (To Jordan and the Cauldron Born) Kill them.

(Jordan takes a defensive position behind the altar, as does the Cauldron Born. Teatime motions to the remaining Spawn to grab the Cauldron, and they obey. Darksahdows moves to stop Teatime, but Jordan opens fire, forcing Darkshadows and the others to take cover. Teatime opens a gate, and he and the Spawn leave. The gate closes.)

Lufis: Hey, he abandoned you, Jordan!

Jordan: Hey, here's a tip. Shut up.

(Jordan fires at a Vanguard, dropping him. The Caudron Born moves to attack Darkshadows, and Darkshadows defends himself.)

Vanguard #2: You're oing to pay for this, Cash!

(The second Vanguard pulls out a pistol and fires twice at Jordan before being shot himself by the mercenary. Lufis fires a holy bolt at the Cauldron Born, but while it hits, it does not seem affected.)

Cauldron Born: Your pitiful attempts at destroying that which cannot be undone amuse me.

(The Cauldron Born shoves Darkshadows down and lumbers toward Lufis. Lufis fires off several more holy bolts, but they have no noticable effect.)

Cauldron Born: Prepare to be judged by the Unholy Father, unbeliever!

(The Cauldron Born raises a claw to attack, but is hit by two rays of holy energy, coming from the remaining female vanguards. The Cauldron Born recoils.)

Cauldron Born: (pained) EUARGH! This cannot be!

(Jordan pulls the pin off a grenade and throws the explosive at the two remaining vanguards, eliminating them. Darkshadows fires a shadow bolt, hitting Jordan in the chest and bringing him to his knees. Lufis kicks the Cauldron Born square in the ribcage, sending it clattering to the floor, then rips its skull from the shadow energy holding it in place and throws it against the tomb wall.)

Lufis: Sha'hardia furtani seldait, plebarix zoafu.

DS: Whoa, kickbutt, Lufis.

Lufis: I know. I rule.

(The two move to Jordan, who is groaning on the tomb floor. The pick him up and leave the tomb.)

(END PART TWO.)

[that_lufis]

Hey, youse guys. I've started a Darkshadows Wiki for your guys' editing pleasure (or not). I will edit the pages from time to time, but I'd really appreciate you guys adding some pages yourself.

If you want to just view the Wiki, check it at http://darkshadowsemails.pbwiki.com/. (Yeah, it's PBWiki, but that's the simplest to use, and I'm no Wiki expert. Besides, free rules.)

If, however, you'd like to EDIT the Wiki, then shoot me off a PM, and I'll give you the Wiki password. (Note, however, that you will not be considered admins: you'd need something else if you wanted to, say, delete the wiki or something, or ban me or whatnot.)

I hope you guys enjoy.

[that_lufis]

The Eternal: Part III

(Cut back to Darkshadows' basement. The lights are off. They turn on to reveal that the basement has been redesigned again to funtion as an interrogation room. Jordan is strapped to a chair in the middle of the room, not struggling. It seems he had already tried to do such, but failed. Lufis walks down the stairs, in civilian clothing: a Bloo Toons T-shirt and blue jeans. He walks over to Jordan. Lufis pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards. He then pulls out a mini-tape recorder and presses 'play'.)

Lufis: Please state your name.

Jordan: Jordan Cash.

Lufis: Occupation.

Jordam: Professional mercenary.

Lufis: Age.

Jordan: Twenty-three.

Lufis: Allegiance.

Jordan: Forces of Shadow.

Lufis: Where is the Cap of Kulasha?

Jordan: I don't know.

Lufis: Oh, dear, and we were doing so well, too. Then you just had to ruin it by lying.

Jordan: Jordan: You can tell me I'm lying 'till the cows come home, McCormick, but you can't make me talk.

Lufis: Want to bet?

(Silence.)

Lufis: Answer me, Cash.

Jordan: You can't make me talk, McCormick.

(Lufis pulls out a vial of clear substance. Jordan clams his mouth shut. Lufis pinches Jordan's nose, and eventually, Jordan opens his mouth for air. Lufis takes the opportunity and pours the vial down Jordan's throat, forcing him to swallow.)

Jordan: Urgh! What the hell is that?

Lufis: That, Mr. Cash, is Soulweeper poison. In fifteen minutes, if your body does not receive the antidote, you will eventually turn into a vegetable. I happen to have a vial of antidote with me, right here. (pulls out a vial of green liquid) If you tell me what I want to know, you'll be able to enjoy the rest of your days. If not, We put you in the hospital to rot in life until you finally expire.

Jordan: What do you want?

Lufis: The Cap, Jordan. Where is the Cap?

Jordan: I don't know!

(Lufis grabs Jordan by the scruff of his shirt.)

Lufis: Do you take me for a fool? I'm a human polygraph, you idiot! You're secreting juices like there's no tomorrow! I can feel your mind trying to concoct more lies already! Lies don't work with me, Cash! I want ANSWERS! WHERE IS THE CAP?!

Jordan: It's in New York!

(Lufis sets Jordan down.)

Lufis: Good BOY! I like it when people tell me what I want to know. Now, WHERE?

Jordan: I don't know.

Lufis: ...good enough. You don't know exactly where. Have some antidote.

(Lufis pours the contents of the second vial into Jordan's mouth.)

Lufis: For security resons, we can't let you go.

Jordan: I understand.

Lufis: I know.

(Lufis walks back upstairs. Cut to the streets of London, specifically, Islington. An elderly man, wearing a Sha'hardian pendant, walks down the street, trying to stay inconspicuous.)

Alouise's voice: Gemel.

(The man, Gemel Shiron, jumps and turns around. Alouise, in street clothes, was behind the man.)

Shiron: (nervous) McLain?

(Alouise moves closer to Shiron.)

Alouise: Come. Let's have a chat.

(Shiron breaks into a run.)

Alouise: Oh, hell.

(Alouise rushes after Shiron down the streets of Islington, and after a few minutes of chasing, catches up to him. He holds onto Shrion's shoulders, trying to calm him down.)

Alouise: Easy, easy! I'm not here to hurt you, Gemel.

Shrion: Hah, I've heard better than that.

Alouise: Gemel, I'm serious! The Church needs you.

Shiron: (jerking away) I don't follow the Church anymore. I follow the teachings of the Unholy Father.

Alouise: Are you really so lost? I don't think so. I think that, despite all your scheming to get to the top, you're not sure you made the right choice. I think you're starting to doubt the Adversary. And that's good! That's very good. But you have to listen to me. You know Johnathan Teatime, right?

Shiron: KNOW him? I've been ATTACKED by his undead thralls!

Alouise: The Spawn are here?

Shiron: Yes, the Spawn! That's right, the Relics of Kulasa, he had the Cudgel with him. He said he had the Cauldron, too. He's trying to secure his dominion over the church. Well, he can bloody well have it.

Alouise: Look, Gemel, I know your frightened, but we can defeat Teatime!

Random Englishman: What in blazes is THAT--AHHHHHHHH!!

(Pan quickly to the right to see some Spawn, led by two Cauldron Born, massacring pedestrians. Pan back.)

Alouise: Stay with me!

Shiron: No way!

(Shiron tries to make a break for it, but runs into a Spawn.)

Shiron: AHH!

(Shiron tries to run the other direction, but is stopped by another Spawn.)

Shiron: AHH!

(Shiron tries to run down an alley behind him, but a Spawn blocks this escape route as well.)

Shiron: AHH!

(Alouise raises his holy symbol, and a ring of holy energy eminates from him, destroying the Spawn around him. He then raises his hand to the sky and takes his mace from a ray shining down on him. He then jumps towards the invading Spawn and Caudron Born. Shiron watches as Alouise smashes the oncoming spawn with relative ease. The Cauldron Born, however, try a double team tactic, and work Alouise into a defensive stance.)

Alouise: Gemel, I need your help! They'll take you, next!

(Gemel seems torn. Alouise tries to aid his defense with some spells, and they seem to work to a degree.)

Alouise: GEMEL!

(Gemel seems to resolve himself. He reaches for his unholy symbol of Sha'hardin and rips it off, throwing it onto the sidewalk. He then reaches forward, pulling a sword from thin air. He closes his eyes and points, firing holy energy at one of the Cauldron Born, causing it to falter. Alouise smashes it into bits. The other Cauldron Born retreats down an alley. Alouise goes back to Gemel, and pats him on the back.)

Alouise: Welcome back, Gemel.

(Cut to a base in Siberia. The flag of the Church of Shadow flies boldly in the frigid, Siberian wind. Inside, we see Teatime, Sallie, some preists, and some elite Blackguards sitting around a table.)

Teatime: Gentlemen, Operation Sha'jarahal is going as well as I could have hoped. Where's the cap, Sal?

Sallie: We have tracked the Cap of Kulasha to an old Shadonic temple in New York City, New York, USA. It was abandoned late in the 19th century for reasons unknown.

German Blackguard: We can expect the Church of Tog to be there already. Cash was captured by the Shadow Squad.

Teatime: I know Cash was captured. I told him to squeal if he was.

(Shocked silence.)

English Preist: Um... Lord Teatime, with all due respect... what the devil were you thinking?

American Preist: Giving the Church of Tog vital information such as that will compromise the mission.

Teatime: They can't. It's a trap.

Russian Blackguard: Explain, Lord Teatime.

Teatime: I have sent a contingency of blackguard, Spawn, and Cauldron Born to sack New York. While the Church wastes their time fighting a land battle they cannot hope to win, Dionysus will sneak in through the carnage and take the Cap.

British Preist: Bloody good plan, Lord Teatime, but... um... the person who opens the seal and the altar has to be a high-ranking member of the Church.

Teatime: Wrong. Only a high-ranking member of the Church has ACCESS to the prayers that open the seal and the altar, indeed, but we can teach them to whomever the hell we want.

French Priest: Sacre bleu! You are a genius, Monsieur Teatime.

Teatime: I know. Thanks for noticing. You all have your orders. Find the Robes and the Phylactery im