darkshadows E-mails: Season 4

[The Red Dragon]

Russian Priest: Threaten their life?

Next time their life will threaten him.

You do what you're comfortable with. I hadn't been keeping up with this as late, but this is a very good read. Yours has always been one of the very few E-mail threads I read, and I hope to read the things you do in the future.

[that_lufis]

So, as a little closure here, I've sifted through the thread's 17-page history, and pulled a few of my personal favorites in several categories. Now that it's all over, do you agree with the creator's favorites, or do you have you own?



Favorite E-mail: E-mail 37: The No E-mail Blues. Best. E-mail. Ever. Current forum happenings tie-in for the win.


Favorite Cast Member, Season One: Zero sure got the short end of the stick. Getting written out at the end of Season Three certainly added to the end-of-stickness. But in his debut appearence in E-mail 14: Video Rock Opera Game, Zero gets thrown under the bus by his old pal X, sending the Sockman Homestarguy into a raging fit. Poor Zero.


Favorite Cast Member, Season Two: Teatime nabs Best of Season Two for his preformance in E-mail 24: Sandwich Hut When your selling Glass shard soup and mustand sandwiches, and need to turn a profit FAST, just call Teatime. He can make it happen.

Favorite Cast Member, Season Three: I know that some people (read: Teatime) love Dionysus, and I'm no different. The wacky, funny-talking Emperor Dragon was fun to write and had a well-established character, which helped him survive my character write-outs until the very end. As he was introduced in this season, Dio carries the rest as Best of season Three.


Favorite Cast Member, Season Four: I added a lot of dead weight into the thread in this one, but it was a lot of dead weight that I WANTED in the thread, and that was the beginning of the end of the thread right there. Still, one character managed not only to help aid the funny, but also was fleshed out a considerable bit in this Season as well, and that is none other than the titular character himself, Darkshadows.


Favorite Cast Member, Overall: Of course, no other character has been as consistantly funny and true to my original nature of the thread that Pointy Hair Man. The physical manifestation of the inner child within us all, as told by a fellow who just wants to make the world better. Robert Harmen, the Pointy Hair Man, is, in my opinion, the Best Character in Darkshadows E-mails.


Favorite Recurring Gag: There weren't very many, but I loved coming up with new iterations of "Shut up" for Darkshadows to say.


Favorite Season: Well, I say Four was the best, as it made me the happiest. I feel that a lot of you are going to disagree and say either two or three, though, as that seems to be what most people consider the Golden Age of Darkshadows E-mails, but from my perspective, Season Four showed what I can do as a writer very well, better than the rest of the series as a whole.


Favorite Pointless Random Action Movie: Pointless Random Action Movie IV: Revenge of the Shadow, although I'm planning to do ONE MORE featuring a lot of cast members from the past seasons. PRAM V is looking like the absolute last thing I ever do for Darkshadows E-mails. SO ENJOY IT!

Thank you all for you suppot these past few years. It's all coming to a close, guys. I hope you guys enjoy PRAM V.

[that_lufis]

I wrote a lot of stuff here. If you don't want to read it all, that's fine. Part of it was venting, anyway. Just know, that rumors of my retirement are greatly exaggerated, and that Darkshadows E-mails Season Five will start in a few days, along with a series of retcon e-mails to fix what's wrong with the thread.

So, here I go.










I'm sure you're all just waiting to hear why I folded and started up the thread again. "Why," you may be asking, "is he starting up this thread again? What is this, like, the third time?"

Well, actually, it's the fourth, but that's not the point.

The truth of the matter is, I've been trying to do my more serious stuff, trying to make all that high drama, all those witty, poignant, philosphical essays that you're supposed to read while drinking tea and eating scones.

See, that's not working. Why? Because I just like writing Darkshadows E-mails too much.

I miss it. It makes me happy. It's a bright part of my otherwise drab and dull life. If I can make just one person laugh when they read an e-mail, then my week is set. I like making others laugh. I like making others think, but I'm getting writer's block from trying to get others to think.

Why? Because, lately, I haven't wanted to think.

I think on a daily basis. I have to think. I have to think in school. I have to think in Latin, which has turned out to have the most convulted grammer I have ever seen in a language. I have to think in Critical Thinking, and I don't think I have to tell you why, because it's right there in the name. I have to think in Physics, where a true physicist expects high school seniors to think with the precision of a hardened scientist, even with every other class on their plate. I have to think in Statistics, a class I don't even want to take.

I have to think at home. I have to think about how to keep my sister out of my room. I have to think about homework. I have to think about any upcoming tests I may have. I have to think of ways to keep myself from being overcome with crippling boredom.

When I wrote Darkshadows E-mails, I didn't have to think. Sure, I don't really mean that literally, but in comparison to everything else. I knew what I wanted to parody, I parodied it.

Of course, somewhere in the history of the thread (and by somewhere, I mean November 26, 2005, at around midnight), something when terribly, terribly wrong. Being the young, naïve whippersnapper I was a little less than a year ago, I thought it would be awesome to add an action-filled story arc to entertain my readers. This was a bad move. I ruined everything by making things convulted, killing off characters, introducing too many new people and situations, and all of these things not only drove readership away... they made me get writer's block.

Naturally, as has been the norm, I tried to write out of it, but this was a tizzy I wasn't going to get out of very cleanly, not without messing with the thread's previously stellar record of not employing retroactive continuity to get out of a tight spot. So I rushed things together and kept everything canon. I learned my lesson (or so I thought), and swore never to write another story arc again.

Yeah. Here's a lesson: When Lufis swears he'll do something, NEVER BELIEVE HIM.

I got so frustrated with The Eternal, and I alienated so many of you one person, Teatime, you, that's right, I'm talking to you, Mr. #1-fan-by-default-God-this-joke-is-old-I-know-more-people-read-the-thread, the not one person wasn't really inclined to read anymore, and I wasn't inclined to write. I was so mad and disappointed in the way the thread was going that, thinking the thread unsalvagable, I shut it down for what I swore would be the last time. I swore that I would never, ever, EVER restart Darkshadows' E-mails again.

Did you remember that lesson? I sure hope you did, 'cause it's gonna be on the test.

I'm starting it up again. Where? How? That'll become more apparent as we go forward, but the next few e-mails are going to be retcon e-mails. If there's a question about continuity that you want answered, you PM that sucker to me, and it'll go in one of the retcon e-mails. No Darkshadows. No middleman. I'll answer it personally, as Lufis the Teenaged Writer, not Lufis the Spellsword. That's what you guys deserve. You guys are the best.

So, why again am I starting it up again? Really, it's just something a bit more productive than doing nothing at all. That's what it is.

I hove you all get a little laugh out of what keeps me sane.

Season five will begin in a few days with the beginning of the retcon e-mails.

[Depressio]

Glad to see the revival of one of the most interesting and valuable threads in our forum. Welcome back to emails, Lufis.

[The Red Dragon]

Glad to see the revival of one of the most interesting and valuable threads in our forum. Welcome back to emails, Lufis.

I've heard that if Depressio complements your e-mail thread, you become a Duke.

[that_lufis]

I've heard that if Depressio complements your e-mail thread, you become a Duke.

That dog who's always trying to steal the baked bean recipe? I become one of him?

That dog is my hero.

[Mr. Teatime]

Hey, if Lufis wants to lie about ending Darkshadows emails, then that's a lie I'm willing to deal with, and it sounds like you've got some good things planned here.

But I am still the #1 fan. Everyone else get the heck out of my thread.

[The Red Dragon]

Hey, if Lufis wants to lie about ending Darkshadows emails, then that's a lie I'm willing to deal with, and it sounds like you've got some good things planned here.

But I am still the #1 fan. Everyone else get the heck out of my thread.

*Jihad*

[that_lufis]

I think this is the most activity this thread has ever had between e-mails.

[that_lufis]

(cut to the basement. The RAG [with Jeff, Ameris, Lorna, and Lucia {wait, isn't she supposed to be dead?}] and Darkshadows are playing Dungeons and Dragons around the Round Table, with Lufis acting as Dungeon Master.)

Lufis: Alright, you pass through the castle walls. You are now entering a small, beautiful garden.

Darkshadows: Could you describe the setting?

Lufis: Well, the garden is filled with hundreds of exotic plants, a gorgeous babbling brook cutting through flowing hills, and in the center of it all is a gazebo.

Darkshadows: Does it spot us?

Lufis: (taken aback) ...I'm sorry, what?

Darkshadows: I say, does the gazebo spot us?

Lufis: Well, from your position, you're pretty obvious...

Darkshadows: I say we draw weapons and prepare to engage.

Jeff: Heck yeah.

Ameris: Let's show this gazebo who's boss.

Lorna: I'll inspire courage.

Lucia: I'll nock an arrow.

Darkshadows: What's the gazebo doing?

Lufis: (rolls a die behind his DM screen) Uh, nothing.

Darkshadows: Right. We'll sneak up on it.

Lufis: It... it doesn't appear to notice you.

(Fred hops up on the table, translator belt on.)

Fred: Hey, Lufis. What are these guys getting ready to fight?

Lufis: (distastefully) A gazebo.

(Fred nods, then rolls off the table and hops up the stairs to the living room.)

Lufis: Well... roll for initiative.

(Cut to Pointy Hair Man playing World of Warcraft in Darkshadows' room. Alouise and Ponty are backseat gaming [similar to sideseat driving].)

Ponty: No, no, you dolt, what are you doing, your quest was back there!

PHM: I'm an elf!

Alouise: You're playing a Tauren.

PHM: I'm a druid!

Ponty: You're playing a rogue.

PHM: Wait, aren't I playing Runescape?

(Silence)

Ponty: Can I kill him, or do you want to?

Alouise: It's against my religion to allow any resonably innocent soul to come to harm within my sight! ...I'll leave.

(Alouise leaves, and Ponty looks menacingly at PHM. Cut back to the basement, where Jeff is currently rolling a twenty-sided die.)

Jeff: (rolls) 18! Do I hit?

Lufis: Roll for damage.

Jeff: (rolls) Alright, that's five... plus four is nine.

Lufis: You don't overcome its damage resistance.

Jeff: Aww...

Lufis: Also, make a reflex save.

Jeff: (rolls) That's an eleven...

Lufis: You feel a powerful slam against your back... it's as if a roof has fallen on top of you. And Ammie, make a Reflex save, too.

Ameris: Don't call me Ammie. (rolls) Oh, by all the hells, a natural one.

Lufis: You feel a sharp piercing pain in your side... a thick, tooth-like object is jabbing your abdomen.

Ameris: Crap.

(cut to the Fortress of Tea, specifically the Foyer of Fear, where Teatime seems to be holding a fancy dress party. Teatime is talking to Sallie.)

Sallie: So, bro, did you ever get those Relics of Kulasha?

Teatime: What? You mean the bottle cap and battered baseball cap I used to delude Darkshadows into believing that I was some sort of evil priest? What makes you bring that up?

Sallie: I... don't... know...

(Jordan seems to edge into the conversation)

Jordan: Hey, Sal, I was wondering -

Sallie: - I'm not dancing with you, and if you ask me again, I'll slice your misbegotten arm off.

Jordan: (angrily) Fine! I don't like you anyway!

(Jordan storms off, pushing past a wealthy Underworldian who is trying to talk with Teatime.)

Underworldian Noble: So, Teatime, will you give me the funds that I need to get my business up and running?

Teatime: I will give you funds... if the Colts win the Super Bowl this year.

Underworldian Noble: That'll never happen!

Teatime: Exactly. Get out of my face.

(The noble begins to sulk and walk away. Teatime and Sallie share in a high-five.)

Sallie: Well played, John.

Teatime: I know. I'm awesome.

(Cut back to the RAG and Darkshadows playing D&D. Several cans of soft drink litter the table now.)

Lufis: You finally succeed in destroying the gazebo, but now, you hear the town guard angrily approaching your location.

Darkshadows: Ah well, we'll have to loot it later. Let's go to the town square.

(Lucia, Ameris, Lorna, and Jeff nod in assent.)

Lufis: There appears to be some manner of carnival going on in the square. There are lots of people gathered here, dancing and partying. The mayor stands atop of  gazebo, calling to the crowd.

Darkshadows: Standing on a gazebo?

(Lorna facepalms.)

Lorna: Ohhhhh, I get it... gazebos are tamed! That's when the guards attacked us when we killed that one back there!

Ameris: Oh, hells!

Darkshadows: Tog, I feel stupid.

Lufis: (awestruck silence)

Darkshadows: So, what happens now?

Lufis: ...the mayor turns into the Tarrasque, you all die. I'm done. Done, you hear me?

(Lufis gets up, angrily, leaving all his gaming gear behind, and goes upstairs.)

Darkshadows: ...alrighty, I guess I'll have to DM, then.

(The remaining members of the RAG quickly excuse themselves and go upstairs.)

Darkshadows: Okay, I find myself in a dungeon. What do I do? Well, are there any doors? Yes, there's a door to the east and a door to the north. Is there anything in this room? The room is -

(cut to black.)

[The Red Dragon]

Since when do people stand on top of Gazebos?

Besides, those things are dangerous....

[Mr. Teatime]

Teatime: What? You mean the bottle cap and battered baseball cap I used to delude Darkshadows into believing that I was some sort of evil priest? What makes you bring that up?

Good save. And good return to the updated world.

[Mackiest]

Jordan never gets any lovin'.