Lufis McCormick & Mr. Teatime Present
War of the (under)Worlds
Beacuse there's nothing wrong with a little bit of healthy competition
Episode 1: Exposition
(Fade in to Darkshadows, Lufis, Teatime, and Dionysus at The Fence on Despot Drive in the town of Underworld, Indiana. The town is called this even though it is not technically in the United States. It is instead run by Darkshadows, ruler by fiat. Darkshadows and Teatime are arguing; Lufis and Dionysus, however, simply look bored.)
Darkshadows: I still say you're going to put needless holes in your wall, Teatime. Sticky tack is definitely the way to go.
Teatime: And I'm telling YOU, that thost sticky tacks leave icky goop on your wall that's just annoying to get off. Thumbtacks are just plain superior.
Lufis: I still think this is the stupidest thing in the world to be arguing about.
Darkshadows: Goshdarnit, Lufis, he insulted my
honor! I won't let this stand! I'm right!
Teatime: And any word spoken against thumbtacks is a word spoken against the name Teatime! I would sonner DIE then succumb to stickytacks! DIE, I say!
Darkshadows: Oh, I can arrange that, you spiky headed excuse for crap.
Teatime: Nobody...mistakes the composition of my body...for fecal matter. Nobody!
Dionysus: Uhm, Teatime, I think you've gotten *cookies and glue guns* sidetracked somewhere in this argument.
Darkshadows: Yeah, he sure did. Stupid face that he is.
Lufis: Er, Darkshadows, I think you're commiting the same error Teatime is.
Darkshadows: Who the heck asked
you?!Teatime: Yeah, I may be a stupid face, but at least I've always HAD a visible face, you hippy Druid-wannabe.
Lufis: Why are you insulting me?! I was
defending you!
Teatime: How dare you try to make peace between me and Darkshadows? Don't you realize that as mayor of Underworld, I have absolutely nothing better to do than get in petty arguments with him? Are you trying to make me bored out of my mind?
Darkshadows:
You're not mayor of Underworld, you ninny!
I am!
Lufis: Gods, you're
both stupid. I'll just keep myself entertained by sharpening my sword and counting how many sparks fly off, I suppose.
(Lufis shakes his head and facepalms as he walks off.)
Dionysus: I suppose I could go find a bathroom and *awkward coathangers* unravel the paper towel dispensers.
(Dionysus shrugs and walks off.)
Teatime: Fine! Go, both of you! I don't care! Darkshadows and I can have plenty of fun on our own!
(Teatime looks at Darkshadows, and whistles nonchalantly.)
Teatime: So...how's it...goin'?
Darkshadows: Well, since you're still here, it's going horribly.
Teatime: See, I like what we've got here. We've got good chemistry, like Seinfeld and Newman. You're the fat one. Fatty. Go hang out with Oprah Winfrey every other year.
Darkshadows: Well, um...
you're, um... uh... er...
Teatime: Hah! You can't even think of anything, can you? Crushing you in every way is all too easy.
Darkshadows: Excuse me? By my last count, I've foiled you about every time we've tangoed. Who's the fat one now, hmmn?
Teatime: The chocolate cake doesn't foil my plans! It likes me for who I am!
Darkshadows: It secretly hates you. It makes snide comments about you to the ice cream.
Teatime: No! You're lieing! I don't believe you!
Darkshadows: Search your refrigerator, you know it to be true!
Teatime: No! That's it! This is the last injustice! Mark my words, Darkshadows, by the end of this monologue, I will have destroyed everything you hold dear! I will make you wish for sweet death! Hahaha! Oh. I guess the monologue is over. Um...
(Teatime kicks dirt in Darkshadows eyes.)
Teatime: Hah hah hah!
(Darkshadows scrabbles at his eye-slits)
Darkshadows: My eyes! My damage resistance is useless! Ooh, this means
war, Teatime! I declare you to be an
enemy of the state! Yeah! I'm the mayor. I can do that.
Teatime: War? Hunh! What is it good for, Darkshadows? You know I'll win!
Darkshadows: Hah. Why don't you just wait for the hammer to fall, Teatime. The hammer, of couse, being my iron fist, smashing your velvet glove. Pansywaist.
Teatime: My waist is not made of flowers! And I only wear the velvet gloves because I have this skin irritation, and...er...wait a minute! I am the mayor! I declare war on you, not the other way around!
Darkshadows: Like hell you're the mayor!
I'm the mayor! See, I have the papers to prove it!
(Darkshadows pulls out a paper placemat from a restauraunt. On the back, written in crayon, is the following: "DARKSHADOWS = MAYOR 4 LYFE".)
Teatime: Papers? Nope, I'm afraid I'm the mayor, and I have the fire to prove it!
(Teatime pulls out a lighter and sets the placemat on fire.)
Darkshadows: You stupid man! You've defaced civil property! Oh, even if I hadn't already declared war on your hide, I certainly would have declared it for that! Run to your palatial mansion and cower in fear! I'll be over to accept your surrender and that that pretty red flag you have hanging your throne room that you like so much in the morning.
Teatime: Fine! Then war it is! We shall meet on the battlefield in glorious combat, our loyal comrades risking life and limb in our honor! The bloodshed shall be great, and -
(Suddenly, a cellphone goes off; it's playing a polyphonic version of what seems to be John Williams' "Duel of the Fates".)
Teatime: Er, that's mine..
(Teatime pulls out a cell phone.)
Teatime: Hello? Oh, Esther. What is it, I'm in the middle of some diplomatic exposition. Ugh. Yes, Esther, I'm wearing the special velvet gloves. Yes, I know I have to be careful with the skin irritation. Geez, yes, I've been drinking lots of cranberry juice! Don't worry, that problem is, uhm, fine. I'll see you at home in a bit. Okay, bye. *cough*Iloveyoutoo.
(He quickly hangs up, and coughs awkwardly.)
Teatime: ... anyhow, I think I'll be keeping my special red flag of mine, and I think I'll compliment it with your blue flag, which I admit does go quite nice in your room, really compliments the curtains, but I'll put it in my room as a matter of principle!
Darkshadows: You'll do it over
my dead body. And what are you doing going out with my aunt? That's
my aunt, you know. Not your girlfriend. She's frickin' fifty-four, man.
Teatime: Hey, I can't help it if I'm so irresistible to the ladies. And
she's going out with
me. As for your dead body, if it weren't for the odor, I would gladly stand over it while retrieving your precious flag in my moment of victory!
Darksahdows: You can gloat all you want.
I'm going back to my house to prepare my loyal legions for your arrival. Or lack thereof. Because you'll never be able to get into my house. Ever.
Teatime: Yeah, well, I'm gonna call some guys, and we're gonna get together and wreck the place, uh-huh.
Darkshadows: Let's see how you do that... WITHOUT A PHONE!
(Darkshadows reaches out and takes Teatime's cell phone, then runs off)
Darkshadows: And I'll be sure to rack up your minutes, tooooooooo!!
(Teatime watches him go, then shrugs, pockets Darkshadows' house key, and heads back to his fortress.)
Teatime: I'm so glad I put those levels into rogue.
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