darkshadows E-mails 2.0: Electric Boogaloo

[that_lufis]

darkshadows E-mails 2.0

The Plot in One Sentence: Living Shadow Darkshadows attempts to play video games and chill while his rival Johnathan Teatime plots to take over the city of Underworld.

Synopsis: Basically, Darkshadows E-mails 2.0 is a continuity reboot. Some characters will return, other's won't. This is basically a chance for me to start the whole thread over from the beginning without having to wrap up things with old characters nobody likes anymore/never liked in the first place or have to take into account things that never should have happened ever (E-mail #20, anyone?).

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

The Mayoral Guard

Darkshadows (DS): The protagonist. Darkshadows is a Living Shadow. It is basically a shadow that can, y'know, float around and do stuff. He has a very aloof personality, often ignoring the plight of other people if the alternative would interfere with him having mass quantities of fun. Despite this, he is (somehow) the mayor of the City of Underworld, which functions just fine without Darkshadows mucking it all up. His undisputed arch-rival is Johnathan Teatime.

Robert Harmen, the Pointy Hair Man (PHM): Robert Harmen was once a productive member of normal society. However, at some point, he became severely displeased with his lifestyle. He decided to begin acting like an idiot as a change of pace, not to mention starching his hair so it stuck up in a conical shape. His antics garnered him attention from Darkshadows, who sought to use Pointy Hair Man as a weapon against Teatime. He often succeeds at doing just that, but, sadly, also ends up annoying Darkshadows just as often.

Frederick Rockstone III (Fred): Fred is a rock, a piece of basalt, to be precise, that has, through some means or another, gained sapience. It is a point of contention as to whether Fred is Darkshadows' pet rock, or whether Darkshadows is Fred's pet Living Shadow. Nevertheless, Fred is capable of human speech, and, due to his incredibly advanced age, is extremely wise and intelligent. He is the voice of Reason within the Mayoral Guard.

Beaky (Beaky): Beaky is a mutated fowl, a chicken, to be precise. This mutation has cause Beaky to grow to a size of three feet, has given him sapience, and has imparted upon him the gift of speech. Beaky, however, unlike his counterpart, Fred, does not typically speak; he considers it a "very un-chicken-like thing to do".






Teatime and his Mercenaries

Johnathan Xavier Teatime XIII (Teatime): Teatime is a patient, devious man with power over shadows (but not over living shadows). He despises Darkshadows over an incident that occured when the two of them were attending college together. He has stated on more than one occasion that he wants the city of Underworld for his own dastardly reasons, and is thus Darkshadows' arch-rival.

Jordan Cash (Jordan): Jordan is a mercenary working for Teatime. He works primarily for money to fuel his addiction to World of Warcraft. His specialty lies with heavy assault weaponry,

Sallie Chase (Sallie): Sallie is a mercenary working for Teatine. She works primarily for money to fuel her addiction to World of Warcraft. Her preferred weapons of choice are close-combat weapons, typically those that went out of style centuries ago, such as swords and the like.

Carol Dyson (Carol): Carol is a mercenary working for Teatime. She works primarily for money to fuel her addiction to Gaia Online. She is a pilot.

Dionysus (Dionysus): Dionysus is a mercenary from an alternate universe, where Earth is known as Mathis. He is half-dragon, half-man, and has large wings that enable him to fly. He works not for money, but to provide himself with an excuse to investigate this new universe more thoroughly.






The Roselians

Lufis Asernon McCormick (Lufis): The author/the leader of the Roselian Advance Guard. Without his laptop, he is unable to access the script, and is therefore unable to affect the plot; as a plot character, he is a spellsword, one competent in both magic and swordplay, but not stellar at either. He is a firey defender of personal freedom, and is therefor a staunch supporter of Darkshadows, who never hardly ever does anything to interfere with other's personal freedom. Not that Darkshadows ever does anything worthwhile, mind you.

Ameris Corsain (Ameris): An elven magician specializing in air magic. She is deeply pessimistic, and usually never has a kind word to say to anyone, even her daughter, whom she considers to be too cheery. Her only friend seems to be Alouise, who is also the only person to whom she is not downright gloomy.

Jeffrey Winston MacLeod (Jeff): Jeff is a martial artist, specializing in unarmed combat. He is an amateur rapper (amateur being the key word) and a deep believer in law and order. This often brings him to odds with Lufis, who he rightly considers to be an enemy of law.

Lorna Piannimo (Lorna): Despite his name, Lorna is actually a man (if you ask him why he has a woman's name, he blames his father, who apparently named him while drunk). He is a professional musician and a crossbowman without parallel in the town of Underworld. Not that anyone else uses such outdated weaponry, of course...

Lucia Corsain (Lucia): A half-elven archer. She is undeniably the cheeriest person in Underworld, which is odd, when you stop to consider the identity of her mother. She is in love with Lorna, a feeling he shares. Together, they are one of the strongest power-couples in Underworld.






The Others

Alouise McLain (Alouise): Alouise is a priest of Tog, the deity of choice in the town of Underworld. In his spare time, he is the proprietor of Alouise's Book Curio (A's BC). He is friends with almost everyone in Underworld, and certainly everyone in Underworld at least knows his name. The only person he shows any particular ire towards is Teatime.

Ponty Haifyr Ma En (Ponty): Ponty is easily distinguished by his signature cylindrical hair, yellow sweatshirt and pants, and his considerable girth. He is often the butt of ridicule and derision for not only his weight, but his inclination towards writing poetry.







List of E-mails and Other Suchities

Introduction: We Didn't Start the Reboot - Pointy Hair Man visits Burger Crown while Lufis and Jeff discuss civil disobedience. A plot to egg Darkshadows' house is foiled.

E-mail #1: Fun with Cameras - Darkshadows begins installing surveillance cameras all across Underworld. Lufis and Alouise work to get to the bottom of Darkshadows' sudden obsession with the devices.

E-mail #2: Antique Politik - It’s election time in Underworld, and Teatime is once again running against Darkshadows for control over Underworld. But Teatime has a few tricks up his sleeve… it’s up to Darkshadows’ campaign team to counter Teatime’s weasely dealings! Coming soon!

[that_lufis]

Introduction: "We Didn't Start the Reboot"

(cut to Darkshadows and Ponty playing Gears of War in Darkshadows' living room. Both appear to be rather intent on the game. While the two play, Pointy Hair Man slowly peeks over Darkshadows' head.)

DS: (without turning away from the game) What?

PHM: I'm hungry.

DS: Get something to eat, then.

PHM: I dunno what to get.

DS: There's stuff in the fridge.

PHM: But I don't want the stuff in the fridge.

(Something explodes in the game; Ponty snickers.)

DS: (looking back at Pointy Hair Man) Look at what you made me do, stupid!

PHM: Can I go get something from Burger Crown?

DS: Oh, you want me to give you money so you can go to Burger Crown, eh?

PHM: (while giving Darkshadows puppy-dog eyes) Pweeeeeeeease?

DS: (turning back to his game) No. Scram.

(Ponty pulls out his wallet and holds out a twenty dollar bill.)

Ponty: Here, PHM. Get me a Big Crown Burger while you're there, will you?

(Pointy Hair Man gleefully skips past Ponty, taking the bill, and makes his way out of the house, slamming the door behind him.)

DS: Yeah, like you need any more food.

Ponty: Don't push it, Shadows, I'm whipping your tail.

DS: Like hell.

Ponty: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that eleven was a lower number than two.

DS: (eyetwitch) Shut up.

(cut ouside, where Pointy Hair Man is skipping down Despot Drive, whistling merrily. He skips past Lufis and Jeff, who are walking the opposite way. Instead of following PHM, we follow Lufis and Jeff.)

Jeff: ...but I can't see how a protest is lawful. Law must be fair, I agree, but one cannot fight an unjust law by breaking it.

Lufis: And how exactly are you supposed to show people how stupid a law is if you don't break it?

Jeff: By appealing to authority, of course. By explaining to those above you that the law is unjust.

Lufis: Oh, so the Powers that Be are magically going to care about what the common folk think? Hah. That's rich, MacLeod. That's richer than a German chocolate cake.

Jeff: Richer than a what?

Lufis: (rolling his eyes) It's a colloquialism around here, MacLeod. German chocolate cakes are a very rich food. By comparing your statement to a German chocolate cake, I'm saying it's bloody malarkey.

Jeff: I see. Well, I hope you understand that my statement is not rich, but is a necessary point of contention in a world where law and order reign supreme. You cannot simply ignore the law. The law is the law.

Lufis: Yeah, yeah. It's all the law to you. I suppose if legitimate authority told you to jump off a bridge, you'd do it, wouldn't you?

Jeff: I would feel obligated.

Lufis: (facepalms) WHY?!

Jeff: They are the manifestation of law. I cannot simply say that they are wrong.

Lufis: Jeff, I've said it before, and I'll say it again... you are the poster boy for the mindless drone all authority loves.

Jeff: I have absolutely no idea what you mean.

Lufis: (sighs) I figured as much.

(Lufis and Jeff stop walking. Jeff looks at Lufis, confused, while Lufis looks straight ahead. A camera pan out reveals that Lufis is looking at Teatime, Sallie, and Jordan, who are standing directly in front of the two.)

Teatime: Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.

Lufis: I could say the same.

Teatime: Oh ho ho, very clever, McCormick.

Lufis: If you'll excuse us...? You're kinda in our way.

Teatime: Oh, are we?

(Teatime looks to Jordan, then to Sallie, then back to Lufis; he smirks.)

Teatime: Why, I had no idea.

Jeff: Isn't this against the law in some fashion? Barring passage on a public path?

Sallie: Laws? Hah!

Jordan: Laws ain't our concern, MacLeod. As far as you need to be concerned, we are the law in this town. You got that?

Jeff: No, I don't believe I... have that, exactly. I was under the impression that the mayor of this city was Mr. Shadows of 573 Despot Drive?

Teatime: (with a glint of anger in his eye) Oh, did you? Well, you thought wrong, didn't you, MacLeod. I'm the mayor of this town. If not in writing, than in practice.

Jeff: Nevermind practice. You are not the legal ruler of this city, nor do you have legal authority in this town. You are required to follow the law. You are not, yourself, the law.

Teatime: (he chuckles) So be it.

(Teatime motions for Sallie and Jordan to step to one side, and he follows. He gestures for Lufis and Jeff to continue on)

Teatime: Enjoy your stroll, boys.

(Lufis and Jeff walk past the three, who snicker derisively as the two depart)

Sallie: Hehehe, what a toady.

Jordan: What a loser.

Teatime: Such a lawhead. Now, then, onto more pressing issues.

(The three of them, as luck would have it, are standing outisde of Darkshadows' house.)

Sallie: What's the plan, boss?

Teatime: We're going to egg his house. Jordan, get the eggs from the hidden cache.

Jordan: Yes, sir.

(Jordan runs off.)

Sallie: But, um... forgive me for asking, sir, but how is egging Darkshadows' house going to make you Mayor of Underworld?

Teatime: (he thinks for a moment, then replies) It won't... but at least it'll make me feel better.

????: Ahem.

(Teatime and Sallie look around, puzzled)

Teatime: Who said that?

????: Hey, dipsticks. Down here.

(Teatime and Sallie look down, and spot Fred.)

Teatime: Oh, what is it that you want?

Fred: I heard you were planning on egging Darkshadows' house?

Teatime: Why, yes. You heard correctly.

Fred: I see.

(Fred promptly rolls over Teatime's foot. Teatime clutches at his foot in pain.)

Teatime: OW!

Fred: Don't make me do something worse. Just move along, alright? Nothing to see here.

(Teatime growls and shakes his fist at the house)

Teatime: I'll be back, Darkshadows! And next time, you'll feel the full fury of Johnathan Xavier Teatime XIII! Mark my words, Darkshadows! Underworld will be mine!

(Teatime hobbles off, Sallie following closely behind. After a few seconds, Jordan comes back with three cartons of eggs)

Jordan: Alright, let's egg this joint! (realizing Teatime isn't there) Hey, wait... where'd he go?

Fred: He went home.

(Jordan looks around, puzzled)

Jordan: Who said that?

Fred: Hey, dipstick. Down here.

(Jordan looks down, and sees Fred just as the rock rolls over his foot. Jordan drops all three cartons of eggs and clutches at his foot in pain.)

Jordan: OW!

Fred: (chuckles) Still got it.

(Fred promptly rolls away. Pointy Hair Man skips back up the lane, with a Burger Crown bag in his left hand and a soft drink in his right. He inadvertantly tramples Jordan as he skips back into Darkshadows' House, causing Jordan to yell out in continued agony. Cut inside to Darkshadows' living room, where Darkshadows and Ponty are still playing Gears of War. Pointy Hair Man skips in, walking blithely past Ponty. Ponty turns to look at Pointy Hair Man.)

Ponty: Did you get my burger?

PHM: (still skipping, preparing to go up the stairs with his bag and drink) No!

Ponty: (irked) Why not?!

PHM: Used the money to buy a combo meal.

Ponty: But... but a combo costs only seven dollars and eighty-nine cents at the most... what happened to the other twelve bucks?

PHM: Gave it to a hobo.

(Ponty stands up, enraged.)

Ponty: You did WHAT?!

(something explodes on the game; Darkshadows snickers)

Ponty: Oh, now, look what you made me do, stupid!

PHM: (titters; points at Ponty) You're funny. Bye!

(Pointy Hair Man skips up the stairs with his food. Ponty flops down on the chair, grumbling.)

Ponty: Bloody stupid sack of crap.

DS: Yes, but he's our bloody stupid sack of crap. And Teatime hates him.

Ponty: Don't you hate him, too?

DS: That's beside the point.

(There's a loud poof and a burst of black-colored smoke; Teatime appears behind Darkshadows.)

Teatime: Haha! I have you now!

(Darkshadows reaches back and punches Teatime in the face; Teatime falls to the ground, knocked out.)

DS: Now, to continue beating you to oblivion, Ponty.

Ponty: (chuckles) Okay, whatever you say.

(The two continue to play as the screen fades to black.)

[stinkoman k]

Crisis on infinite whats?

[Homestarguy]

Man, I haven't followed these in like, three years, but I haven't forgotten how good of quality they are!

I loved Lufis and Jeff's conversation-German chocalate cake...

I also enjoyed how darkshadows' eyes on the back of his head.

Keep making these!

[that_lufis]

Email #1: Fun with Cameras


(Fade in. Lufis is working diligently at his laptop at Darkshadows’ basement table, while Lorna and Lucia are playing Battleship on the other end.)

Lufis: (typing) “…it is a sad fact, Mr. Justiciar, that these Terrans have been taken to extreme acts of violence against their fellow man…”

Lorna: B-4.

Lucia: Miss, honey bear.

Lufis: (typing) “…murderers and vandals roam the streets of many cities freely…”

Lucia: I-7.

Lorna: (he laughs) Aww, you sunk my carrier!

Lucia: Haha, victory shall be mine!

Lufis: (typing) “…not even the city of Underworld is safe from these brigands, despite our best actions to deter them…”

Lorna: B-1.

(Lucia’s face falls.)

Lucia: …you… you sunk my battleship…

Lorna: Good game, snookum.

Lucia: (chipper once again) Wanna play again?

Lufis: (typing) “…of these, the most insidious is Johnathan Xavier Teatime, magister divinitatis and leader of a dissident group of Underworldians bent on making him ruler of the city…”

(A loud thumping can be heard from upstairs; Lufis looks up, irritated. Lorna and Lucia begin to prepare the boards for another round of Battleship.)

Lufis: What in blazes is going on up there?

Lorna: Why are you asking us?

Lufis: First, it was a rhetorical question. Second, you’re a esper.

Lorna: I am a diviner, not an esper. An esper can look into the future. I can only see the past.

Lucia: And espers don’t need outside tools.

Lorna: And they’re weasels.

Lufis: (he stands, clapping his hands over his ears) Shut up, shut up, shut up! By Garm, it never ends with you people!
(Lufis angrily tromps upstairs. Lorna and Lucia shrug and continue to prepare for their next game. Cut to Darkshadows’ living room, where Darkshadows is noisily installing a camera into the wall behind the television. Lufis enters from the north hallway, irked.)

Lufis: Darkshadows!

Darkshadows: What? Can’t you see that I’m busy?

Lufis: …uh, you are aware that’s a load-bearing wall, right?

Darkshadows: You’re bearing a load. A load of shut up.

Lufis: What in the gods’ names are you putting over the television?

Darkshadows: (turning; brightly) It’s a closed circuit camera!

Lufis: (dumbfounded) …surveillance equipment?

Darkshadows: Darn skippy. There’s people trying to steal my precious Xbox 360 afoot.

Lufis: (disapproving) You mean the one that got the red ring of death over a week ago?

Darkshadows: (insecure) Um, er, um, shut up!

Lufis: (sigh) Whatever. I suppose you have a right to keep tabs on your property. I’m going to Ray’s to get that new Adventure album.

(Lufis leaves the house, throwing one more curious look at Darkshadows as he goes. Cut to Despot Drive. Lufis is walking on the sidewalk, humming softly to himself. As he turns to go north on Donald Trump Street, however, he literally walks into another surveillance camera, this one standing on a tripod. This causes it to wobble dangerously, but it rights itself.)

Lufis: Ow, what the?

(Lufis proceeds to examine the camera carefully; the red power light is on.)

Lufis: Another camera? Curious…

(Lufis walks past it and continues north. The surveillance camera swivels to follow Lufis’ movements and zooms in as he walks away. Cut to a shot of Lufis walking down Downtown Underworld.  More mysterious surveillance cameras have been set up downtown, and there are members of the Underworld Police Department patrolling the street. Through the shot, Lufis appears to be growing more and more curious and concerned. Eventually, he enters Ray’s Music Shop, a reasonably well-kept record store. A young man in his early twenties with long brown hair and a slightly worried smile stands behind the counter. Several patrons are perusing the wares; all of them are worried to some degree.)

Man behind the counter: Hey, Lufis.

Lufis: (nods) Ray. What’s the news?

Man behind the counter/Ray: Oh, nothing much, nothing much… (worried chuckle) nothing much at all, really.

(Lufis considers Ray for a moment.)

Lufis: You shouldn’t lie, Ray, it’s not good for you.

Ray: (evasively) I don’t particularly want to talk about it.

 (Lufis’ eyes glimmer a moment as he picks up on Ray’s worry; he nods at a camera installed in the record stare’s wall and taps his nose. Ray then taps his nose.)

Lufis: Alright, if you don’t want to talk about it, then… say, did the new Adventure album get here yet?

Ray: No, no, not yet, I’m afraid.

Lufis: (sighs a bit) Oh, well. I’ll come back again tomorrow, then. Take it easy, Ray.

Ray: (with a quick glance at the camera) I’ll try, Luf. I’ll try.

(Lufis exits Ray’s and proceeds back towards Darkshadows’ house. Not two minutes in, however, Lufis notices a disturbance taking place between several members of the UPD and two people running a sno-cone stand.)

Skinny guy wearing a red shirt: Look, officers, I’m telling you, we didn’t start the fire.

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros: Yeah, it was always burning since the world’s been turning.

UPD Officer #1: Save your lame, overused pop rock references for someone who cares. We have proof in the form of video surveillance tape.

UPD Officer #2: Yeah, it clearly shows you two making a mustard cone, which is considered a felony in this state.

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros: You have to be kidding. I swore it was only a misdemeanor.

UPD Officer #1: Not according to this edict from the Boss.

(The first UPD officer pulls out a placemat from a restaurant. Someone has apparently written on the other side of it with red crayon. The officer hands the paper over to the skinny guy with the red shirt.)

Skinny guy wearing a red shirt: (reading) “I, Darkshadows,” blah blah blah blah blah, “being of sound mind and” hum-diddily-dee, “do issue this edict, in the name of the City of” hum-te-tum-te-tum, “that all officers are hereby allowed to arrest all suspicious personages engaging in acts of questionable intent.”

(The skinny guy looks up from the paper.)

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros: (deadpan) Wow. That’s not vague at all.

UPD Officer #2: You bet your sweet blue raspberry behind, tubbo.

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros: Oh. Verbal abuse. That takes me back.

(The skinny guy and the fat guy are led away by the UPD officers in a fairly rough fashion. Lufis strokes his chin, trying to keep his rage in check. He strides away, continuing his walk back to Darkshadows’ house, but he is stopped by a UPD officer.)

UPD Officer #3: Stop!

Lufis: (wryly) Hammertime?

UPD Officer #3: Save your early rap references for someone who gives two shakes. I have reason to believe that you’re up to no good.

Lufis: Up to no good?

UPD Officer #3: That’s right, wise guy, up to no good. Look at you, with your anachronistic tunic and your red hair and your green eyes and your two legs and your -

Lufis: (interrupting) Right, right, I get the gist.

UPD Officer #3: (ignoring the interruption) – cheap boots and your libertarian tendencies and your gardening and your diet –

Lufis: (interrupting, irked) What in Uris’ name is wrong with my diet?!

UPD Officer #3: (ignoring the interruption) – and your green pants, I mean, what’s with the green pants?

Lufis: (patting down his forest green-colored pants) I happen to like my pants, lawhead.

UPD Officer #3: (indignant) What? How dare you make fun of me?! I’m an officer of the law! I can put you away… in, in a home. Your home.

Lufis: I live in the mayor’s basement.

UPD Officer #3: (victoriously) And that’s where I’ll take you!

(The UPD officer grabs Lufis’ arm and tries to pull him off towards Darkshadows’ house, vainly.)

Lufis: …are you trying to pull me home?

UPD Officer #3: (struggling) Agh… stop… resisting… makes it… so much… harder to enforce… nonsensical edict!

Lufis: (defiantly) You want me to stop resisting?

UPD Officer #3: (still struggling to pull Lufis away) Please!

(Lufis suddenly stops resisting, causing him to topple over the UPD officer, causing both of them to tumble to the ground. Lufis gets up and brushes off his clothes. The UPD officer is dazed.)

Lufis: (shrugging) Well, since you said “please”…

(smugly, McCormick walks away, leaving the UPD officer to writhe on the ground pitifully. Cut to Lufis outside Darkshadows’ house. Surveillance cameras have been put in every place imaginable, on every house on Despot Drive. Lufis sighs, and goes up the walk. He prepares to knock on the door, but stops when he realizes that there’s several small cameras drilled into the wood. He then proceeds to ring the doorbell, but it has been replaced by a camera lens. Frustrated, Lufis kicks the side of the house, breaking a camera in the process.)

Lufis: (yelling) DARKSHADOWS!!

(the door opens to reveal Darkshadows on the other side)

Darkshadows: …we don’t want any.

(Darkshadows tries to close the door, but Lufis wedges his foot behind the door)

Lufis: Well, you’re getting it anyhow. What’s with the cameras?

Darkshadows: What?

Lufis: The… the cameras. All over the city? The cameras that just seemed to pop out of thin air just an hour ago?

Darkshadows: What?

Lufis: The cameras. I saw you install one earlier.

Darkshadows: What?

Lufis: (slightly irked; picking up the remains of the camera he inadvertently destroyed) Camera.

Darkshadows: …what?

Lufis: (exasperated) Oh, come on, you bloody well know what!

Darkshadows: …do I know you?

(Lufis cries out in frustration.)

Lufis: (very annoyed) You’re worse than Pointy Hair Man sometimes! I know you know about the cameras, because I heard that edict you issued, and I saw two guys get arrested for selling sno-cones because of the police’s loose interpretation of it! It’s got the whole city going crazy!

Darkshadows: (pushing the door open and regaining his lucidity) And how do you think I feel? There’s Xbox thieves on the loose!

Lufis: (rolls his eyes) It can’t really be just about the Xbox.

Darkshadows: (folds his arm-tendrils) Well, it is. Sorry if you can’t accept the truth, Red, but that’s the whole game.

Lufis: I don’t believe that.

Darkshadows: (gasps, points behind Lufis) Oh my Tog, what the heck is that?!

Lufis: (turns) Where?!

(Darkshadows doesn’t move; he just keeps pointing. Lufis looks back at Darkshadows)

Lufis: …you know, usually, when you make a diversion like that, it’s because you want to run away.

Darkshadows: …crap, I knew I forgot to do something. Can we try again?

Lufis: Alright, I suppose.

(Darkshadows puts down his finger, then points again, this time half-heartedly; without feeling) Oh my Tog, what the heck is that.

Lufis: (without feeling; turns) Where.

(Lufis moves his foot away from the door, and Darkshadows slams the door shut. Lufis stands still, looking around.)

Lufis: (murmuring) …three… two… one –  (without feeling) Oh, that wily Darkshadows. He tricked me. Confound that Shadow and his roguish good looks. I guess I should go see Alouise. Maybe he has some insight for me.

(Lufis plods away, and we cut to the interior of A’s BC. Ameris and Alouise are playing go fish, while Lufis sits, talking.)

Lufis: …and then he distracted me and closed the door. I’m still no closer to figuring out what these cameras are doing everywhere.

Alouise: (to Ameris) Got any threes?

Ameris: Go fish.

(Alouise draws.)

Alouise: (to Lufis) That certainly sounds like a dilemma. And you’re sure he’s up to something?

Lufis: Positive. I can’t see how he couldn’t be up to something. There’s no way he’s looking for any Xbox thieves.

Alouise: Who did you say they arrested, again?

Ameris: Got any jacks?

(Alouise hands Ameris two cards; she sets these cards down, along with two cards that were in her hand.)

Lufis: They arrested two sno-cone vendors. Something about a mustard cone.

Alouise: (incredulous) A mustard cone?

Ameris: (slightly curious) A mustard cone?

Lufis: Not that I saw any such cones, mind, but they kinda looked like the sort of guys who would do something like that.
Alouise: Hmmn… got any aces?

Ameris: Go fish.

(Alouise draws from the deck.)

Alouise: Well, let me finish this, and then we’ll both go confront Darkshadows.

Lufis: As you say, then.

(Lufis sighs, and begins to twiddle his thumbs as Alouise and Ameris continue playing. Cut to an exterior shot of the Fortress of Tea, then to an interior shot of the Rec Room of Retribution. Teatime, decked out in an expensive suit, is lounging in a red velvet chair, while Dionysus and Jordan flank him in their secret service uniforms. Suddenly, several UPD officers enter the room and begin partaking of the activities within. Teatime stands and walks over to the nearest officer with a swagger, Dio and Jordan falling in line on either side.)

Teatime: Hello, officer, what seems to be the trouble here?

UPD Officer #4: No trouble at all, sir. Just enjoying the use of your home.

Teatime: Aha, I see. That would make you the trouble. Who gave you the authority to enter my house without a warrant?

UPD Officer #4: Orders of the mayor.

(The officer hands Teatime another placemat, with something written on the other side in blue crayon.)

Teatime: (takes it; reading) “I, Darkshadows, lawful Mayor of the sovereign city-state of Underworld, being of sound mind and judgment, do issue this edict, in the name of the City of Underworld and her citizens, that all officers are hereby allowed to occupy the home of any civilian with sufficient utilities of entertainment that those officers may enjoy rest and relaxation when not on duty.”

(Teatime looks up at the officer, and slowly and deliberately tears up the placemat.)

Teatime: Get out.

UPD Officer #4: Make us.

(There are five other officers in the room; they flank the speaking officer dangerously. Teatime pulls out a small remote control and presses a large red button, opening a hole in the floor underneath the officers’ feet, sending all of them plummeting. The trap door then swings shut.)

Teatime: Hmmn… that reminds me, one of you needs to clean the Pit of Despair.

Dionysus: Yeah, Jordan, it’s your *twenty-three skidoo* turn.

Jordan: No way, man, it’s your turn!

Teatime: Egh, stop, both of you. You’re making my head hurt.

(Teatime walks out of the room. Cut to Lufis and Alouise outside Darkshadows’ house. Lufis is banging on the door, while Alouise is watching.)

Lufis: (bang, bang, bang) Open up, Darkshadows, I know you’re in there! (bang, bang, bang) Don’t make me blast this door down! (bang, bang, bang, bang, bang-)

(Pointy Hair Man opens the door suddenly, and Lufis inadvertently punches him in the face. PHM doesn’t seem to notice, even though he now has a bloody nose.)

PHM: What is all this ruckus? I’m trying to watch my stories!

(Lufis peeks inside and looks at the television: on the screen is a CCTV feed of Lorna and Lucia playing Battleship.)

Lorna: (on TV) A-10.

Lucia: (on TV) Miss.

(Alouise peeks in as well.)

Alouise: Ridiculous. Simply ridiculous.

Lufis: I aim to end this.

(Lufis pushes Pointy Hair Man out of the way and begins going upstairs.)

PHM: Hey, hey, what are you doing? You can’t go up there!

Lufis: (stops) And why not?

PHM: Because that where the… um… the, um… the, the monster! Yeah, the monster, that’s where the monster lives!

Lufis: (continues going upstairs) I eat monsters for breakfast.

PHM: (panicked) I-i-i-it doesn’t taste good!

(The camera follows Lufis up the stairs. Lufis barges into Darkshadows’ room, where Darkshadows is checking his e-mail.)

Darkshadows: (oblivious to the intrusion; typing) “So, as you can see, Mr. Mouse, the addition of cameras everywhere wouldn’t really do all that much to affect the town, nor would denying the people of Underworld their Third Amendment rights. Thus, I have proved you to be completely and undeniably-"

Lufis: -stupid!

Darkshadows: (turning to look at Lufis) Hey, how’d you get here? How’d you get past the monster?

Lufis: The only monster here is you, Big Brother. What’s the deal with all the cameras?

Darkshadows: What’s the deal with your fa-

Lufis: NO! No face jokes, no your mom jokes, none of that dredge! Just give me the information I so desperately crave! Why are you becoming Teatime?!

Darkshadows: (cringing; points to the computer) The internet told me to?

(Lufis shoves Darkshadows out of the way and reads the e-mail to which Darkshadows was replying…)





Dear Darkshadows,
I was wondering, as a government buff, if Underworld had any sort of surveillance systems in place. If so, how do they affect Underworldians in their daily lives?
Sincerely Yours,
Richard Maus





(Lufis ponders the e-mail for a moment, then turns to Darkshadows.)

Lufis: I wish to make you a proposition, Mr. Mayor.

Darkshadows: (dumbfounded) Huh?

Lufis: I wish to join your staff as an e-mail filter. I’d pre-check your e-mail for you… y’know, clutter out any sort of annoying riff-raff e-mails that might get by. In return for offering this service free of charge, you let the guy in the red shirt and the rhinoceros-looking guy out of jail, repeal the edicts you instated today, and get rid of the cameras. Sound good?

Darkshadows: Do I still have to feed you?

Lufis: You’ve never had to feed me.

Darkshadows: (bubbly) Well then, you’re hired! Now, get out of my way. It’s time for a bit of Portal action.

(Lufis gets up and Darkshadows moves to sit down. Cut to the basement, where Lufis is typing on his computer. Alouise, Ameris, and Ponty are watching him. Ponty is eating a sandwich, as well.)

Lufis (typing): “…and then Darkshadows threw away his computer and never got another one ever again, and they lived happily ever after.”

(Lufis cracks his knuckles and leans back.)

Lufis: There. That ought to solve the problem.

Alouise: (shocked) Er… I wouldn’t celebrate just yet, Lufis…

Lufis: Duh?

(Cut to an over-the-shoulder view of Lufis’ laptop. In a Microsoft Word window, the words “and then Darkshadows threw away his computer and never got another one ever again, and they lived happily ever after” morph into “nice try, Lufis”.)

Lufis: Hmmn… something tells me there’s more to this than meets the eye…



In the next installment Darkshadows E-mails…

It’s election time in Underworld, and Teatime is once again running against Darkshadows for control over Underworld. But Teatime has a few tricks up his sleeve… it’s up to Darkshadows’ campaign team to counter Teatime’s weasely dealings!