darkshadows E-mails 2.0: Electric Boogaloo

[Ground Man]

darkshadows E-mails 2.0

The Plot in One Sentence: Living Shadow Darkshadows attempts to play video games and chill while his rival Lirrian Dralas plots to take over the city of Underworld.

Synopsis: Basically, Darkshadows E-mails 2.0 is a continuity reboot. Some characters will return, other's won't. This is basically a chance for me to start the whole thread over from the beginning without having to wrap up things with old characters nobody likes anymore/never liked in the first place or have to take into account things that never should have happened ever (E-mail #20, anyone?).

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

The Mayoral Guard

Darkshadows (DS): The protagonist. Darkshadows is a Living Shadow. It is basically a shadow that can, y'know, float around and do stuff. He has a very aloof personality, often ignoring the plight of other people if the alternative would interfere with him having mass quantities of fun. Despite this, he is (somehow) the mayor of the City of Underworld, which functions just fine without Darkshadows mucking it all up. His undisputed arch-rival is Lirrian Dralas.

Robert Harmen, the Pointy Hair Man (PHM): Robert Harmen was once a productive member of normal society. However, at some point, he became severely displeased with his lifestyle. He decided to begin acting like an idiot as a change of pace, not to mention starching his hair so it stuck up in a conical shape. His antics garnered him attention from Darkshadows, who sought to use Pointy Hair Man as a weapon against Lirrian. He often succeeds at doing just that, but, sadly amusingly, also ends up annoying Darkshadows just as often.

Frederick Rockstone III (Fred): Fred is a rock, a piece of basalt, to be precise, that has, through some means or another, gained sapience. It is a point of contention as to whether Fred is Darkshadows' pet rock, or whether Darkshadows is Fred's pet Living Shadow. Nevertheless, Fred is capable of human speech, and, due to his incredibly advanced age, is extremely wise and intelligent. He is the voice of Reason within the Mayoral Guard.

Beaky (Beaky): Beaky is a mutated fowl, a chicken, to be precise. This mutation has cause Beaky to grow to a size of three feet, has given him sapience, and has imparted upon him the gift of speech. Beaky, however, unlike his counterpart, Fred, does not typically speak; he considers it a "very un-chicken-like thing to do".






Lirrian and his Mercenaries

Johnathan Xavier Teatime XIII Lirrian Dralas (Teatime Lirrian): Teatime Lirrian is a devious man with power over shadows (but not over living shadows). He despises Darkshadows over an incident that occured when the two of them were attending college together. He has stated on more than one occasion that he wants the city of Underworld for his own dastardly reasons, and is thus Darkshadows' arch-rival. No matter how many times he's thwarted or captured by the police, he always comes back. He has a nasty habit of not paying his bodyguards.

Jordan Cash (Jordan): Jordan is a mercenary working for Lirrian. He works primarily for money, used to expand his collection of vintage firearms. His specialty lies with heavy assault weaponry. The career mercenary, he enjoys the job for the job's sake. He doesn't care much when the paycheck comes, so long as he gets the chance to utilize factory-new hardware while waiting for it.

Sallie Chase (Sallie): Sallie is a mercenary working for Lirrian. She works primarily for money to fuel her addiction to World of Warcraft. Her preferred weapons of choice are close-combat weapons from most eras and areas of influence. Easygoing when it comes to her job, but not to her money. She gets particularly irate when her employer shortchanges her for services rendered.

Carol Dyson (Carol): Carol is a mercenary working for Lirrian. She is a pilot, and easily the most serious of Lirrian's mercenaries. Her motivation is loyalty to Lirrian, gained sometime before for some reason unclear to anyone besides those two parties (can you say plot hook?).

Dionysus (Dionysus): Dionysus is a mercenary from an alternate universe, where Earth is known as Mathis. He is half-dragon, half-man, and has large wings that enable him to fly. He works not for money, but to provide himself with an excuse to investigate this new universe more thoroughly. He has an unfortunate verbal tic that compels him to speak the surface thoughts of random people in a one mile radius.






The Roselians

Lufis Asernon McCormick (Lufis): The leader of the Roselian Advance Guard. He is a spellsword, one competent in both magic and swordplay, but not stellar at either. He is a fiery defender of personal freedom, and is therefore a staunch supporter of Darkshadows, who never hardly ever does anything to interfere with others' personal freedom. Not that Darkshadows ever does anything worthwhile, mind you. Along with Fred, he acts as a voice of reason, within reason. He has a laptop than has unprecedented control over the world around him, but also seems to have an intelligence and an agenda all its own.

Ameris Corsain (Ameris): An elven magician specializing in air magic. She is deeply pessimistic, and usually never has a kind word to say to anyone, even her daughter, whom she considers to be too cheery. Her only friend seems to be Alouise, who is also the only person to whom she is not downright gloomy.

Jeffrey Winston MacLeod (Jeff): Jeff is a martial artist, specializing in unarmed combat. He is an amateur rapper (amateur being the key word) and a deep believer in law and order. This often brings him to odds with Lufis, who he rightly considers to be an enemy of law.

Lorna Piannimo (Lorna): Despite his name, Lorna is actually a man (if you ask him why he has a woman's name, he blames his father, who apparently named him while drunk). He is a professional musician and a crossbowman without parallel in the town of Underworld. Not that anyone else uses such outdated weaponry, of course...

Lucia Corsain (Lucia): A half-elven archer. She is undeniably the cheeriest person in Underworld, which is odd, when you stop to consider the identity of her mother. She is in love with Lorna, a feeling he shares. Together, they are one of the strongest power-couples in Underworld.





The Normsville People

Adam Adderly (Adam): An incredibly boring man, Adam works in an Underworldian sock factory, and writes a dull webcomic called The Rock and Sock Connection. Tied for "Saddest Sack" with Ponty. He has absolutely no timing, and humor is completely lost on him.

Patricia Adderly (Patricia): Adam's brother, an overall better-than-average person. Every day, she picks something different to hate above all other things.

Dr. Robert P. McGee, M.D., Ph.D, MSG (Robert): A greasy-haired con artist who tries peddling sub-grade goods on anyone he comes into contact with. While skilled in swindling Normsvillians, he has little luck conning anyone from Underworld into much of anything at all. Is never seen without his signature Cart 'O Junk, a Buy-Mart shopping cart filled with useless bric-a-brac.

Horace Nexus (Horace): A cracked war vet who is convinced that lawn ornaments are enemy soldiers. Most of the time, he's not sure of which war he's a veteran.

Tod "The Toad" Warner (Tod): The putt-putt champion of Normsville. He likes frogs, and keeps one on his head during his waking hours "to keep him balanced".

Bother (Bother): A large, bald man who enjoys punching people in the arm fairly hard and says "Bother". Why is uncertain.







The Others

Alouise McLain (Alouise): Alouise is a priest of Tog, the deity of choice in the town of Underworld. In his spare time, he is the proprietor of Alouise's Book Curio (A's BC). He is friends with almost everyone in Underworld, and certainly everyone in Underworld at least knows his name. The only person he shows any particular ire towards is Lirrian.

Ponty Haifyr Ma En (Ponty): Ponty is easily distinguished by his signature cylindrical hair, yellow sweatshirt and pants, and his considerable girth. He is often the butt of ridicule and derision for not only his weight, but his inclination towards writing poetry.





One Shot Characters

Ray, the Guy Who Runs the Record Store (Ray): Ray is the guy who runs the record store, and one of Lufis' friends. (introduced in E-mail #1)

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros and Skinny guy wearing a red shirt: Two guys with a less-than-reputable sno-cone business. (introduced in E-mail #1)

Delia and Gloria Mongrove (Delia, Gloria): Identical twin political advisors. Delia wears a yellow pantsuit, while Gloria wears a purple pantsuit. (introduced in E-mail #2)

Lou the Mechanic (Lou the Mechanic): Middle-class mechanic turned politico for Lirrian Dralas. Definitely not based on anyone in real life. (introduced in E-mail #2)

Clara Cicero (Clara Cicero): Eight-year-old girl. Writes horrible fanfiction about Darkshadows, presumably just to get under Darkshadows' skin. (introduced in E-mail #3)







List of E-mails and Other Suchities

Introduction: We Didn't Start the Reboot - Pointy Hair Man visits Burger Crown while Lufis and Jeff discuss civil disobedience. A plot to egg Darkshadows' house is foiled.

E-mail #1: Fun with Cameras - Darkshadows begins installing surveillance cameras all across Underworld. Lufis and Alouise work to get to the bottom of Darkshadows' sudden obsession with the devices.

E-mail #2: Antique Politik - The 2008 election special. Darkshadows and Teatime Lirrian campaign for Mayor, while Lufis enters as a third candidate.

E-mail #3: The Best of Fiends - Darkshadows and Lirrian bury the hatchet. The rest of the community suspects Lirrian of being up to no good.

E-mail #4: Oh Bother, Where Art Thou - Lufis, Jordan, and Carol travel mysteriously to Normville, whose citizens are anything but.

E-mail #5: Risking it All - In an show of goodwill between Underworld and its finally-noticed sister city of Normsville, Darkshadows and company play a board game with some of the usual Normsville suspects. Things get out of hand. (Coming sometime, get off my back)

E-mail #6: The Video Game, the Indie Scene, and Other Unfortunately Not So Relevant Material - Darkshadows tries to cash in on the indie gaming craze. (Coming later)

E-mail #7: How to Succeed at E-mails Without Really Trying - Washed-up e-mailers descent on Underworld. (Keep dreaming, suckers)

[Ground Man]

Introduction: "We Didn't Start the Reboot"

(cut to Darkshadows and Ponty playing Gears of War in Darkshadows' living room. Both appear to be rather intent on the game. While the two play, Pointy Hair Man slowly peeks over Darkshadows' head.)

DS: (without turning away from the game) What?

PHM: I'm hungry.

DS: Get something to eat, then.

PHM: I dunno what to get.

DS: There's stuff in the fridge.

PHM: But I don't want the stuff in the fridge.

(Something explodes in the game; Ponty snickers.)

DS: (looking back at Pointy Hair Man) Look at what you made me do, stupid!

PHM: Can I go get something from Burger Crown?

DS: Oh, you want me to give you money so you can go to Burger Crown, eh?

PHM: (while giving Darkshadows puppy-dog eyes) Pweeeeeeeease?

DS: (turning back to his game) No. Scram.

(Ponty pulls out his wallet and holds out a twenty dollar bill.)

Ponty: Here, PHM. Get me a Big Crown Burger while you're there, will you?

(Pointy Hair Man gleefully skips past Ponty, taking the bill, and makes his way out of the house, slamming the door behind him.)

DS: Yeah, like you need any more food.

Ponty: Don't push it, Shadows, I'm whipping your tail.

DS: Like hell.

Ponty: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that eleven was a lower number than two.

DS: (eyetwitch) Shut up.

(cut ouside, where Pointy Hair Man is skipping down Despot Drive, whistling merrily. He skips past Lufis and Jeff, who are walking the opposite way. Instead of following PHM, we follow Lufis and Jeff.)

Jeff: ...but I can't see how a protest is lawful. Law must be fair, I agree, but one cannot fight an unjust law by breaking it.

Lufis: And how exactly are you supposed to show people how stupid a law is if you don't break it?

Jeff: By appealing to authority, of course. By explaining to those above you that the law is unjust.

Lufis: Oh, so the Powers that Be are magically going to care about what the common folk think? Hah. That's rich, MacLeod. That's richer than a German chocolate cake.

Jeff: Richer than a what?

Lufis: (rolling his eyes) It's a colloquialism around here, MacLeod. German chocolate cakes are a very rich food. By comparing your statement to a German chocolate cake, I'm saying it's bloody malarkey.

Jeff: I see. Well, I hope you understand that my statement is not rich, but is a necessary point of contention in a world where law and order reign supreme. You cannot simply ignore the law. The law is the law.

Lufis: Yeah, yeah. It's all the law to you. I suppose if legitimate authority told you to jump off a bridge, you'd do it, wouldn't you?

Jeff: I would feel obligated.

Lufis: (facepalms) WHY?!

Jeff: They are the manifestation of law. I cannot simply say that they are wrong.

Lufis: Jeff, I've said it before, and I'll say it again... you are the poster boy for the mindless drone all authority loves.

Jeff: I have absolutely no idea what you mean.

Lufis: (sighs) I figured as much.

(Lufis and Jeff stop walking. Jeff looks at Lufis, confused, while Lufis looks straight ahead. A camera pan out reveals that Lufis is looking at Teatime, Sallie, and Jordan, who are standing directly in front of the two.)

Teatime: Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.

Lufis: I could say the same.

Teatime: Oh ho ho, very clever, McCormick.

Lufis: If you'll excuse us...? You're kinda in our way.

Teatime: Oh, are we?

(Teatime looks to Jordan, then to Sallie, then back to Lufis; he smirks.)

Teatime: Why, I had no idea.

Jeff: Isn't this against the law in some fashion? Barring passage on a public path?

Sallie: Laws? Hah!

Jordan: Laws ain't our concern, MacLeod. As far as you need to be concerned, we are the law in this town. You got that?

Jeff: No, I don't believe I... have that, exactly. I was under the impression that the mayor of this city was Mr. Shadows of 573 Despot Drive?

Teatime: (with a glint of anger in his eye) Oh, did you? Well, you thought wrong, didn't you, MacLeod. I'm the mayor of this town. If not in writing, than in practice.

Jeff: Nevermind practice. You are not the legal ruler of this city, nor do you have legal authority in this town. You are required to follow the law. You are not, yourself, the law.

Teatime: (he chuckles) So be it.

(Teatime motions for Sallie and Jordan to step to one side, and he follows. He gestures for Lufis and Jeff to continue on)

Teatime: Enjoy your stroll, boys.

(Lufis and Jeff walk past the three, who snicker derisively as the two depart)

Sallie: Hehehe, what a toady.

Jordan: What a loser.

Teatime: Such a lawhead. Now, then, onto more pressing issues.

(The three of them, as luck would have it, are standing outisde of Darkshadows' house.)

Sallie: What's the plan, boss?

Teatime: We're going to egg his house. Jordan, get the eggs from the hidden cache.

Jordan: Yes, sir.

(Jordan runs off.)

Sallie: But, um... forgive me for asking, sir, but how is egging Darkshadows' house going to make you Mayor of Underworld?

Teatime: (he thinks for a moment, then replies) It won't... but at least it'll make me feel better.

????: Ahem.

(Teatime and Sallie look around, puzzled)

Teatime: Who said that?

????: Hey, dipsticks. Down here.

(Teatime and Sallie look down, and spot Fred.)

Teatime: Oh, what is it that you want?

Fred: I heard you were planning on egging Darkshadows' house?

Teatime: Why, yes. You heard correctly.

Fred: I see.

(Fred promptly rolls over Teatime's foot. Teatime clutches at his foot in pain.)

Teatime: OW!

Fred: Don't make me do something worse. Just move along, alright? Nothing to see here.

(Teatime growls and shakes his fist at the house)

Teatime: I'll be back, Darkshadows! And next time, you'll feel the full fury of Johnathan Xavier Teatime XIII! Mark my words, Darkshadows! Underworld will be mine!

(Teatime hobbles off, Sallie following closely behind. After a few seconds, Jordan comes back with three cartons of eggs)

Jordan: Alright, let's egg this joint! (realizing Teatime isn't there) Hey, wait... where'd he go?

Fred: He went home.

(Jordan looks around, puzzled)

Jordan: Who said that?

Fred: Hey, dipstick. Down here.

(Jordan looks down, and sees Fred just as the rock rolls over his foot. Jordan drops all three cartons of eggs and clutches at his foot in pain.)

Jordan: OW!

Fred: (chuckles) Still got it.

(Fred promptly rolls away. Pointy Hair Man skips back up the lane, with a Burger Crown bag in his left hand and a soft drink in his right. He inadvertantly tramples Jordan as he skips back into Darkshadows' House, causing Jordan to yell out in continued agony. Cut inside to Darkshadows' living room, where Darkshadows and Ponty are still playing Gears of War. Pointy Hair Man skips in, walking blithely past Ponty. Ponty turns to look at Pointy Hair Man.)

Ponty: Did you get my burger?

PHM: (still skipping, preparing to go up the stairs with his bag and drink) No!

Ponty: (irked) Why not?!

PHM: Used the money to buy a combo meal.

Ponty: But... but a combo costs only seven dollars and eighty-nine cents at the most... what happened to the other twelve bucks?

PHM: Gave it to a hobo.

(Ponty stands up, enraged.)

Ponty: You did WHAT?!

(something explodes on the game; Darkshadows snickers)

Ponty: Oh, now, look what you made me do, stupid!

PHM: (titters; points at Ponty) You're funny. Bye!

(Pointy Hair Man skips up the stairs with his food. Ponty flops down on the chair, grumbling.)

Ponty: Bloody stupid sack of crap.

DS: Yes, but he's our bloody stupid sack of crap. And Teatime hates him.

Ponty: Don't you hate him, too?

DS: That's beside the point.

(There's a loud poof and a burst of black-colored smoke; Teatime appears behind Darkshadows.)

Teatime: Haha! I have you now!

(Darkshadows reaches back and punches Teatime in the face; Teatime falls to the ground, knocked out.)

DS: Now, to continue beating you to oblivion, Ponty.

Ponty: (chuckles) Okay, whatever you say.

(The two continue to play as the screen fades to black.)

[PWNr_o_NUBS]

Crisis on infinite whats?

[Homestarguy]

Man, I haven't followed these in like, three years, but I haven't forgotten how good of quality they are!

I loved Lufis and Jeff's conversation-German chocalate cake...

I also enjoyed how darkshadows' eyes on the back of his head.

Keep making these!

[Ground Man]

Email #1: Fun with Cameras


(Fade in. Lufis is working diligently at his laptop at Darkshadows’ basement table, while Lorna and Lucia are playing Battleship on the other end.)

Lufis: (typing) “…it is a sad fact, Mr. Justiciar, that these Terrans have been taken to extreme acts of violence against their fellow man…”

Lorna: B-4.

Lucia: Miss, honey bear.

Lufis: (typing) “…murderers and vandals roam the streets of many cities freely…”

Lucia: I-7.

Lorna: (he laughs) Aww, you sunk my carrier!

Lucia: Haha, victory shall be mine!

Lufis: (typing) “…not even the city of Underworld is safe from these brigands, despite our best actions to deter them…”

Lorna: B-1.

(Lucia’s face falls.)

Lucia: …you… you sunk my battleship…

Lorna: Good game, snookum.

Lucia: (chipper once again) Wanna play again?

Lufis: (typing) “…of these, the most insidious is Johnathan Xavier Teatime, magister divinitatis and leader of a dissident group of Underworldians bent on making him ruler of the city…”

(A loud thumping can be heard from upstairs; Lufis looks up, irritated. Lorna and Lucia begin to prepare the boards for another round of Battleship.)

Lufis: What in blazes is going on up there?

Lorna: Why are you asking us?

Lufis: First, it was a rhetorical question. Second, you’re a esper.

Lorna: I am a diviner, not an esper. An esper can look into the future. I can only see the past.

Lucia: And espers don’t need outside tools.

Lorna: And they’re weasels.

Lufis: (he stands, clapping his hands over his ears) Shut up, shut up, shut up! By Garm, it never ends with you people!
(Lufis angrily tromps upstairs. Lorna and Lucia shrug and continue to prepare for their next game. Cut to Darkshadows’ living room, where Darkshadows is noisily installing a camera into the wall behind the television. Lufis enters from the north hallway, irked.)

Lufis: Darkshadows!

Darkshadows: What? Can’t you see that I’m busy?

Lufis: …uh, you are aware that’s a load-bearing wall, right?

Darkshadows: You’re bearing a load. A load of shut up.

Lufis: What in the gods’ names are you putting over the television?

Darkshadows: (turning; brightly) It’s a closed circuit camera!

Lufis: (dumbfounded) …surveillance equipment?

Darkshadows: Darn skippy. There’s people trying to steal my precious Xbox 360 afoot.

Lufis: (disapproving) You mean the one that got the red ring of death over a week ago?

Darkshadows: (insecure) Um, er, um, shut up!

Lufis: (sigh) Whatever. I suppose you have a right to keep tabs on your property. I’m going to Ray’s to get that new Adventure album.

(Lufis leaves the house, throwing one more curious look at Darkshadows as he goes. Cut to Despot Drive. Lufis is walking on the sidewalk, humming softly to himself. As he turns to go north on Donald Trump Street, however, he literally walks into another surveillance camera, this one standing on a tripod. This causes it to wobble dangerously, but it rights itself.)

Lufis: Ow, what the?

(Lufis proceeds to examine the camera carefully; the red power light is on.)

Lufis: Another camera? Curious…

(Lufis walks past it and continues north. The surveillance camera swivels to follow Lufis’ movements and zooms in as he walks away. Cut to a shot of Lufis walking down Downtown Underworld.  More mysterious surveillance cameras have been set up downtown, and there are members of the Underworld Police Department patrolling the street. Through the shot, Lufis appears to be growing more and more curious and concerned. Eventually, he enters Ray’s Music Shop, a reasonably well-kept record store. A young man in his early twenties with long brown hair and a slightly worried smile stands behind the counter. Several patrons are perusing the wares; all of them are worried to some degree.)

Man behind the counter: Hey, Lufis.

Lufis: (nods) Ray. What’s the news?

Man behind the counter/Ray: Oh, nothing much, nothing much… (worried chuckle) nothing much at all, really.

(Lufis considers Ray for a moment.)

Lufis: You shouldn’t lie, Ray, it’s not good for you.

Ray: (evasively) I don’t particularly want to talk about it.

 (Lufis’ eyes glimmer a moment as he picks up on Ray’s worry; he nods at a camera installed in the record stare’s wall and taps his nose. Ray then taps his nose.)

Lufis: Alright, if you don’t want to talk about it, then… say, did the new Adventure album get here yet?

Ray: No, no, not yet, I’m afraid.

Lufis: (sighs a bit) Oh, well. I’ll come back again tomorrow, then. Take it easy, Ray.

Ray: (with a quick glance at the camera) I’ll try, Luf. I’ll try.

(Lufis exits Ray’s and proceeds back towards Darkshadows’ house. Not two minutes in, however, Lufis notices a disturbance taking place between several members of the UPD and two people running a sno-cone stand.)

Skinny guy wearing a red shirt: Look, officers, I’m telling you, we didn’t start the fire.

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros: Yeah, it was always burning since the world’s been turning.

UPD Officer #1: Save your lame, overused pop rock references for someone who cares. We have proof in the form of video surveillance tape.

UPD Officer #2: Yeah, it clearly shows you two making a mustard cone, which is considered a felony in this state.

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros: You have to be kidding. I swore it was only a misdemeanor.

UPD Officer #1: Not according to this edict from the Boss.

(The first UPD officer pulls out a placemat from a restaurant. Someone has apparently written on the other side of it with red crayon. The officer hands the paper over to the skinny guy with the red shirt.)

Skinny guy wearing a red shirt: (reading) “I, Darkshadows,” blah blah blah blah blah, “being of sound mind and” hum-diddily-dee, “do issue this edict, in the name of the City of” hum-te-tum-te-tum, “that all officers are hereby allowed to arrest all suspicious personages engaging in acts of questionable intent.”

(The skinny guy looks up from the paper.)

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros: (deadpan) Wow. That’s not vague at all.

UPD Officer #2: You bet your sweet blue raspberry behind, tubbo.

Fat guy resembling a rhinoceros: Oh. Verbal abuse. That takes me back.

(The skinny guy and the fat guy are led away by the UPD officers in a fairly rough fashion. Lufis strokes his chin, trying to keep his rage in check. He strides away, continuing his walk back to Darkshadows’ house, but he is stopped by a UPD officer.)

UPD Officer #3: Stop!

Lufis: (wryly) Hammertime?

UPD Officer #3: Save your early rap references for someone who gives two shakes. I have reason to believe that you’re up to no good.

Lufis: Up to no good?

UPD Officer #3: That’s right, wise guy, up to no good. Look at you, with your anachronistic tunic and your red hair and your green eyes and your two legs and your -

Lufis: (interrupting) Right, right, I get the gist.

UPD Officer #3: (ignoring the interruption) – cheap boots and your libertarian tendencies and your gardening and your diet –

Lufis: (interrupting, irked) What in Uris’ name is wrong with my diet?!

UPD Officer #3: (ignoring the interruption) – and your green pants, I mean, what’s with the green pants?

Lufis: (patting down his forest green-colored pants) I happen to like my pants, lawhead.

UPD Officer #3: (indignant) What? How dare you make fun of me?! I’m an officer of the law! I can put you away… in, in a home. Your home.

Lufis: I live in the mayor’s basement.

UPD Officer #3: (victoriously) And that’s where I’ll take you!

(The UPD officer grabs Lufis’ arm and tries to pull him off towards Darkshadows’ house, vainly.)

Lufis: …are you trying to pull me home?

UPD Officer #3: (struggling) Agh… stop… resisting… makes it… so much… harder to enforce… nonsensical edict!

Lufis: (defiantly) You want me to stop resisting?

UPD Officer #3: (still struggling to pull Lufis away) Please!

(Lufis suddenly stops resisting, causing him to topple over the UPD officer, causing both of them to tumble to the ground. Lufis gets up and brushes off his clothes. The UPD officer is dazed.)

Lufis: (shrugging) Well, since you said “please”…

(smugly, McCormick walks away, leaving the UPD officer to writhe on the ground pitifully. Cut to Lufis outside Darkshadows’ house. Surveillance cameras have been put in every place imaginable, on every house on Despot Drive. Lufis sighs, and goes up the walk. He prepares to knock on the door, but stops when he realizes that there’s several small cameras drilled into the wood. He then proceeds to ring the doorbell, but it has been replaced by a camera lens. Frustrated, Lufis kicks the side of the house, breaking a camera in the process.)

Lufis: (yelling) DARKSHADOWS!!

(the door opens to reveal Darkshadows on the other side)

Darkshadows: …we don’t want any.

(Darkshadows tries to close the door, but Lufis wedges his foot behind the door)

Lufis: Well, you’re getting it anyhow. What’s with the cameras?

Darkshadows: What?

Lufis: The… the cameras. All over the city? The cameras that just seemed to pop out of thin air just an hour ago?

Darkshadows: What?

Lufis: The cameras. I saw you install one earlier.

Darkshadows: What?

Lufis: (slightly irked; picking up the remains of the camera he inadvertently destroyed) Camera.

Darkshadows: …what?

Lufis: (exasperated) Oh, come on, you bloody well know what!

Darkshadows: …do I know you?

(Lufis cries out in frustration.)

Lufis: (very annoyed) You’re worse than Pointy Hair Man sometimes! I know you know about the cameras, because I heard that edict you issued, and I saw two guys get arrested for selling sno-cones because of the police’s loose interpretation of it! It’s got the whole city going crazy!

Darkshadows: (pushing the door open and regaining his lucidity) And how do you think I feel? There’s Xbox thieves on the loose!

Lufis: (rolls his eyes) It can’t really be just about the Xbox.

Darkshadows: (folds his arm-tendrils) Well, it is. Sorry if you can’t accept the truth, Red, but that’s the whole game.

Lufis: I don’t believe that.

Darkshadows: (gasps, points behind Lufis) Oh my Tog, what the heck is that?!

Lufis: (turns) Where?!

(Darkshadows doesn’t move; he just keeps pointing. Lufis looks back at Darkshadows)

Lufis: …you know, usually, when you make a diversion like that, it’s because you want to run away.

Darkshadows: …crap, I knew I forgot to do something. Can we try again?

Lufis: Alright, I suppose.

(Darkshadows puts down his finger, then points again, this time half-heartedly; without feeling) Oh my Tog, what the heck is that.

Lufis: (without feeling; turns) Where.

(Lufis moves his foot away from the door, and Darkshadows slams the door shut. Lufis stands still, looking around.)

Lufis: (murmuring) …three… two… one –  (without feeling) Oh, that wily Darkshadows. He tricked me. Confound that Shadow and his roguish good looks. I guess I should go see Alouise. Maybe he has some insight for me.

(Lufis plods away, and we cut to the interior of A’s BC. Ameris and Alouise are playing go fish, while Lufis sits, talking.)

Lufis: …and then he distracted me and closed the door. I’m still no closer to figuring out what these cameras are doing everywhere.

Alouise: (to Ameris) Got any threes?

Ameris: Go fish.

(Alouise draws.)

Alouise: (to Lufis) That certainly sounds like a dilemma. And you’re sure he’s up to something?

Lufis: Positive. I can’t see how he couldn’t be up to something. There’s no way he’s looking for any Xbox thieves.

Alouise: Who did you say they arrested, again?

Ameris: Got any jacks?

(Alouise hands Ameris two cards; she sets these cards down, along with two cards that were in her hand.)

Lufis: They arrested two sno-cone vendors. Something about a mustard cone.

Alouise: (incredulous) A mustard cone?

Ameris: (slightly curious) A mustard cone?

Lufis: Not that I saw any such cones, mind, but they kinda looked like the sort of guys who would do something like that.
Alouise: Hmmn… got any aces?

Ameris: Go fish.

(Alouise draws from the deck.)

Alouise: Well, let me finish this, and then we’ll both go confront Darkshadows.

Lufis: As you say, then.

(Lufis sighs, and begins to twiddle his thumbs as Alouise and Ameris continue playing. Cut to an exterior shot of the Fortress of Tea, then to an interior shot of the Rec Room of Retribution. Teatime, decked out in an expensive suit, is lounging in a red velvet chair, while Dionysus and Jordan flank him in their secret service uniforms. Suddenly, several UPD officers enter the room and begin partaking of the activities within. Teatime stands and walks over to the nearest officer with a swagger, Dio and Jordan falling in line on either side.)

Teatime: Hello, officer, what seems to be the trouble here?

UPD Officer #4: No trouble at all, sir. Just enjoying the use of your home.

Teatime: Aha, I see. That would make you the trouble. Who gave you the authority to enter my house without a warrant?

UPD Officer #4: Orders of the mayor.

(The officer hands Teatime another placemat, with something written on the other side in blue crayon.)

Teatime: (takes it; reading) “I, Darkshadows, lawful Mayor of the sovereign city-state of Underworld, being of sound mind and judgment, do issue this edict, in the name of the City of Underworld and her citizens, that all officers are hereby allowed to occupy the home of any civilian with sufficient utilities of entertainment that those officers may enjoy rest and relaxation when not on duty.”

(Teatime looks up at the officer, and slowly and deliberately tears up the placemat.)

Teatime: Get out.

UPD Officer #4: Make us.

(There are five other officers in the room; they flank the speaking officer dangerously. Teatime pulls out a small remote control and presses a large red button, opening a hole in the floor underneath the officers’ feet, sending all of them plummeting. The trap door then swings shut.)

Teatime: Hmmn… that reminds me, one of you needs to clean the Pit of Despair.

Dionysus: Yeah, Jordan, it’s your *twenty-three skidoo* turn.

Jordan: No way, man, it’s your turn!

Teatime: Egh, stop, both of you. You’re making my head hurt.

(Teatime walks out of the room. Cut to Lufis and Alouise outside Darkshadows’ house. Lufis is banging on the door, while Alouise is watching.)

Lufis: (bang, bang, bang) Open up, Darkshadows, I know you’re in there! (bang, bang, bang) Don’t make me blast this door down! (bang, bang, bang, bang, bang-)

(Pointy Hair Man opens the door suddenly, and Lufis inadvertently punches him in the face. PHM doesn’t seem to notice, even though he now has a bloody nose.)

PHM: What is all this ruckus? I’m trying to watch my stories!

(Lufis peeks inside and looks at the television: on the screen is a CCTV feed of Lorna and Lucia playing Battleship.)

Lorna: (on TV) A-10.

Lucia: (on TV) Miss.

(Alouise peeks in as well.)

Alouise: Ridiculous. Simply ridiculous.

Lufis: I aim to end this.

(Lufis pushes Pointy Hair Man out of the way and begins going upstairs.)

PHM: Hey, hey, what are you doing? You can’t go up there!

Lufis: (stops) And why not?

PHM: Because that where the… um… the, um… the, the monster! Yeah, the monster, that’s where the monster lives!

Lufis: (continues going upstairs) I eat monsters for breakfast.

PHM: (panicked) I-i-i-it doesn’t taste good!

(The camera follows Lufis up the stairs. Lufis barges into Darkshadows’ room, where Darkshadows is checking his e-mail.)

Darkshadows: (oblivious to the intrusion; typing) “So, as you can see, Mr. Mouse, the addition of cameras everywhere wouldn’t really do all that much to affect the town, nor would denying the people of Underworld their Third Amendment rights. Thus, I have proved you to be completely and undeniably-"

Lufis: -stupid!

Darkshadows: (turning to look at Lufis) Hey, how’d you get here? How’d you get past the monster?

Lufis: The only monster here is you, Big Brother. What’s the deal with all the cameras?

Darkshadows: What’s the deal with your fa-

Lufis: NO! No face jokes, no your mom jokes, none of that dredge! Just give me the information I so desperately crave! Why are you becoming Teatime?!

Darkshadows: (cringing; points to the computer) The internet told me to?

(Lufis shoves Darkshadows out of the way and reads the e-mail to which Darkshadows was replying…)





Dear Darkshadows,
I was wondering, as a government buff, if Underworld had any sort of surveillance systems in place. If so, how do they affect Underworldians in their daily lives?
Sincerely Yours,
Richard Maus





(Lufis ponders the e-mail for a moment, then turns to Darkshadows.)

Lufis: I wish to make you a proposition, Mr. Mayor.

Darkshadows: (dumbfounded) Huh?

Lufis: I wish to join your staff as an e-mail filter. I’d pre-check your e-mail for you… y’know, clutter out any sort of annoying riff-raff e-mails that might get by. In return for offering this service free of charge, you let the guy in the red shirt and the rhinoceros-looking guy out of jail, repeal the edicts you instated today, and get rid of the cameras. Sound good?

Darkshadows: Do I still have to feed you?

Lufis: You’ve never had to feed me.

Darkshadows: (bubbly) Well then, you’re hired! Now, get out of my way. It’s time for a bit of Portal action.

(Lufis gets up and Darkshadows moves to sit down. Cut to the basement, where Lufis is typing on his computer. Alouise, Ameris, and Ponty are watching him. Ponty is eating a sandwich, as well.)

Lufis (typing): “…and then Darkshadows threw away his computer and never got another one ever again, and they lived happily ever after.”

(Lufis cracks his knuckles and leans back.)

Lufis: There. That ought to solve the problem.

Alouise: (shocked) Er… I wouldn’t celebrate just yet, Lufis…

Lufis: Duh?

(Cut to an over-the-shoulder view of Lufis’ laptop. In a Microsoft Word window, the words “and then Darkshadows threw away his computer and never got another one ever again, and they lived happily ever after” morph into “nice try, Lufis”.)

Lufis: Hmmn… something tells me there’s more to this than meets the eye…



In the next installment Darkshadows E-mails…

It’s election time in Underworld, and Teatime is once again running against Darkshadows for control over Underworld. But Teatime has a few tricks up his sleeve… it’s up to Darkshadows’ campaign team to counter Teatime’s weasely dealings!

[Ground Man]

Email #2: Antique Politik

(cut to an exterior shot of Darkshadows' house. There are a large number of cars, bikes, and motorcycles in the yard. As we cut inside, the reason for the crowd is apparent: nearly everything and everyone inside is plastered with the words "Dark Shadows for Mayor: Six More Years". Pointy Hair Man, Fred, Beaky, Jeff, Ponty, and various Underworldian citizens are moving boxes, answering calls, and preparing flyers.)

Underworldian Woman #1: We need fifty more buttons in this box!

Jeff: Robbie?

PHM: I'm on it!

Ponty: This batch of flyers is ready to go out!

Underworldian Man #1: Gotcha here, Ponty.

Underworldian Man #2: (on the phone) No, no, we need three hundred boxes of instant clam chowder, for the victory banquet. ...yes, we're fairly sure victory is certain... well,maybe we don't want to do business with a Dralas supporter anyway! No, you're the smelly one! (he hangs up, irritated)

Jeff: Fred, how's it coming on Darkshadows' speech for Buymart?

Fred: Got two pages so far.

Jeff: What? Two pages? But the speech is on Tuesday!

Fred: Hey, try writing a speech when you've got no limbs, we'll see how well you do!

Underworldian Man #2: Mr. MacLeod, the mayor's one o'clock is at the door.

Jeff: He'll be right down! (he goes to the stairs and calls up) Mr. Mayor, your one o'clock is here!

Darkshadows: (from offscreen) Who is it?

Jeff: (over to Man #2) Need a name!

Underworldian Man #2: Gloria Mongrove!

Jeff: (calls up) It's Gloria, boss!

(Darkshadows floats down the stairs towards the front door, but is stopped by a third Underworldian man.)

Underworldian Man #3: Now, Mr. Mayor, let's go over proper outdoor etiquette...

Darkshadows: Jeez, c'mon, I know how to act outside, I'm not a frickin' kid, yeah? Just stow it, you dink.

Underworldian Man #3: (sternly) Sir, we've been over this.

Darkshadows: (rolls his eyes; exasperated) Please, just stow it, you dink.

Underworldian Man #3: Much better, sir. And try not to say anything negative about Mr. Teati- er, Mr. Dralas...

Darkshadows: I still don't get why he changed his name. Probably to get the unobservant loser vote, I betcha.

Underworldian Man #3: No doubt, sir... but perhaps you should...?

Darkshadows: Perhaps I should... what?

(Darkshadows looks from the man to the front door)

Darkshadows: (getting it) Ohhh, right, right, Gloria.

(Darkshadows floats over to the door when Gloria Mongrove, a middle-aged woman in a purple pantsuit, stands patiently.)

Gloria: Ah, Mr. Mayor!

Darkshadows: Ms. Mongrove, how nice to see you again. Let's take a walk, shall we?

(Darkshadows and Gloria leave the front stoop, closing the door behind them. Cut to an exterior shot of the Fortress of Tea Dralas Manor, where a similar gathering of vehicles, mostly cars, have parked along the main stretch. Cut inside to the Foyer of Fear where, much like Darkshadows' house, nearly everyone and everything is covered in merchandise that reads "Teatime for Mayor: Let's Make It Official". Jordan, Sallie, and Carol, along with generic Shadonic cultists, are making buttons, printing flyers, and answering calls.)

Jordan: (on the phone) No, no, I don't want to change my long distance service, I want to know if you want a change in Underworldian politics... uh-huh... no, I don't care how low your rates are!

Male Shadonic Cultist #1: (on the phone) Sir, sir, sir... no, sir - I assure you, sir - no, sir, I'm not a communist... no, sir, I'm not a secret communist, either... sir? Sir? I was just - sir?!

Carol: Someone get these flyers out!

Female Shadonic Cultist #1: At once!

Sallie: (on the phone) No, Mrs. MacPherson, I assure you Mr. Dralas does not enjoy strangling kittens with piano wire, that is a lie purported by the Shadows Campaign to defame our candidate. Now, puppies, on the other hand... hello? Hello? (she hangs up, nonplussed)

Female Shadonic Cultist #2: Yes, that's right, Mr. Shadows is a morally corrupt, godless miscreant who has no place in politics. So we can count on your vote, then? Alright, thank you!

(Teatime Lirrian descends from the balcony stairs.)

Lirrian: Alright, Opposition Party, tell me how we're doing!

Sallie: (picking up a newspaper) Uh, you're down three points, sir.

Lirrian: (sternly) You have five seconds to explain why before I knee you in the gut.

Sallie: Well, the media says it's because of your... well, your gut-kneeing policy towards failure, sir.

Lirrian: Fie on the media! I'll knee each one of those liberal jerks in the gut!

Sallie: See, it's stuff like that.

Carol: Also, we don't have nearly enough support among the lower-middle class...

Male Shadonic Cultist #2: Wouldn't hurt to emphasize the fact that the incumbent isn't human, whip up some anti-Living Shadow sentiment.

Jordan: And your stance on the park zoning issue is raising some eyebrows from your supporters as well as your detractors, you might want to, I dunno, change it or something.

Lirrian: Hmmm... I'm gonna go with the “Darkshadows isn't human” one. Seems the easiest to put out there.

Female Shadonic Cultist #1: Sir, your one o'clock appointment should be at the door...

(The doorbell rings.)

Female Shadonic Cultist #1: ...now.

Lirrian: Somebody get the door for me, I'm too illustrious to be bothered to get it myself!

(Another male Shadonic cultist opens the door, and a woman who looks exactly like Gloria Mongrove, but in a yellow pantsuit, enters. Lirrian stands.)

Lirrian: Ahh, Delia Mongrove, right on time!

Delia: Master Dralas, an honor as always. Shall we?

Lirrian: Yes, let's. (he snarls at those working the phones) One of you rats get Dio and tell him to meet us at Burger Crown!

(The second Shadonic Male Cultist stands up immediately and bows to Lirrian.)

Male Shadonic Cultist #2: At once, my lord! (he scurries off)

Lirrian: (guiding Delia towards the door) Let's be off.

(cut to the interior of Burger Crown, where Darkshadows and Gloria, among other Underworldian citizens, are sitting at a table with food, talking quitely. At another table are Lufis, Ameris, Lucia, Lorna, and Alouise, conversing over their own meal.)

Lucia: I think Darkshadows is going to win it.

Lorna: Yeah, I want him to win it, myself, but you can't forget that Lirrian has been concocting ways of stealing this election from Darkshadows for almost six years.

Ameris: Why are we even discussing it at all? It's useless. No matter which side wins, nothing important is going to change. If Darkshadows wins, it's six years of more of the same. If Dralas wins, then we just have another psycho running the city. Either way, we lose.

Lufis: I hate to admit it, but for once, Ammie's right.

Ameris: Have I mentioned lately that I hate it when you call me that?!

Lucia: Let him talk, mom!

Lufis: As I was saying, she has a point. No matter if Darkshadows or Lirrian Dralas wins, nothing's really going to change. What we need to do is introduce another candidate... one that's substantially different from the other candidates to draw the center out and start some real change.

Alouise: A third-party candidate? (he laughs) Oh, Lufis, how droll!

Lufis: What? What's so funny?

Alouise: Sonny, independent candidates have no chance of actually winning an election. Ever heard of Ralph Nader?

Lufis: No...

Alouise: Exactly.

Lufis: Well, I'll show you! (he stands up) I'm going to announce my candidacy for Mayor of Underworld right now!

Male Diner #1: What?

Female Diner #1: The guy with the red hair's running for Mayor?

Female Diner #2: I think that's Lirrian Dralas!

Darkshadows: (standing up) Where's Dralas? I'll knee him in the gut!

Lufis: I'm not Lirrian-freakin'-Dralas! I'm Lufis McCormick, and I'm hereby entering the race for Mayor as a third party candidate!

Female Diner #1: What's a third party?

Male Diner #2: I think it's more like, “What's the Third Party?”

Female Diner #3: This new sense of change confuses and irritates me!

Male Diner #3: Would you people pipe down?! Some of us are trying to enjoy their meal!

(At this juncture, Dralas and Delia Mongrove, followed closely by a human-form Dionysus in a secret service suit, enter the restaurant. Dralas and Darkshaows spot each other, and all becomes silent. Lufis and those at his table look from one major candidate to the other with pointed interest. Gloria also stands up, smoothing out her pantsuit pointedly as she eyes Delia.)

Darkshadows: Dralas.

Lirrian: Darkshadows.

Gloria: Delia.

Delia: Gloria.

Darkshadows: Delia.

Delia: Darkshadows.

Gloria: Lirrian.

Lirrian: Gloria. Lufis.

Lufis: Teati- er, Dralas.

(Lirrian merely rolls his eyes.)

Darkshadows: What's your spiky-headed loserface doing here?

Lirrian: More like, what's your quasi-ethereal dumbbutt doing here?

Darkshadows: I hope you know you don't stand a chance in the election.

Lirrian: Likewise!

Lufis: (quietly to his table) Let's get out of here while we can...

(Lufis and Co. quietly withdraw from Burger Crown while Delia and Gloria try to talk down their respective candidates. Cut to Darkshadows' basement, three days later. Darkshadows'  core campaign staff [Pointy Hair Man, Fred, Beaky, Jeff, Ponty, and Gloria] are sitting with Darkshadows around the round table.)

Darkshadows: ...alright, so, how are we doing?

Jeff: (pulls out a newspaper and checks it) We're up two points from yesterday.

Darkshadows: Righteous, righteous. How about the big picture?

Gloria: Lirrian Dralas remains your greatest competition, but Lufis McCormick is polling high with well-adjusted folks downtown.

Darkshadows: (slamming a hand-tentacle on the table) Friggin' downtowners!

Jeff: Boss, we're still ahead. With the voters divided between the three of us, we should make out like bandits in the general election.

Darkshadows: No, don't you see? That jerk Lufis and his Third Party are going to be taking my votes, too! We can't bribe all the people we're going to lose to him and the people we need to bribe away from voting for Dralas at the same time, it's not in the budget!

Fred: He's got you there, Jeff. Maybe we should do some fundraising.

Darkshadows: No, how about you lot get Lufis out of the race? Offer him flowers, break his legs, I don't care, but by this time tomorrow, I want his campaign crippled!

(the scene wipes to the campaign staff looking more harried that before. A subtitle reads, “The Next Day”.)

Darkshadows: How the hell can we be down seven points?

Beaky: *bawk*

Fred: Yeah, maybe we should have actually hid when we put that flaming bag of snails in front of Third Party HQ instead of standing right next to it, giggling.

Darkshadows: (he sweeps his arm-tentacle across the table, scattering papers everywhere) Incompetent losers, every one of you! This was supposed to be a clear-cut thing! (he moans helplessly) Oh, I bet Dralas is laughing at us from his campaign headquarters right now...

(Quickly cut to Lirrian's political HQ, where Dralas' campaign staff [Jordan, Sallie, Carol, Dionysus, and Delia] and the candidate himself are sitting around a table, harried.)

Lirrian: (irritably) Nngh, I bet Darkshadows is laughing at us from his campaign headquarters right now. How the hell do we lose five points in the polls to a guy with fashion sense right out of the 14th century? How, I ask you?!

Sallie: Well, sir, he does have a more moderate platform. People have been sick of all or nothing politics in Underworld for years now. They're ready for a more balanced candidate.

Jordan: And he's got natural charisma. Have you looked at his hair? I mean, really looked at it?

Lirrian: (he balls up his fist and shakes it menacingly at his campaign staff) I didn't come all this way to be one-upped by a Ren Faire reject and his LARP buddies! Now, you lot get out there and tear his rhetoric a new one!

Delia, Jordan, et al.: Yes, sir!

(Everyone except Lirrian stands, salutes, and scurries away. Cut to the Underworld BuyMart store, where Lufis is holding a rally. He has managed to draw a very impressive crowd. Behind him, Lufis' campaign staff [Ameris, Lorna, Lucia, and Alouise] stand by, enjoying Lufis' speech.)

Lufis: We need to take control of our government. For too long, we've been bullied into accepting one of two radical views. A vote for me is a vote for choice!

Someone in the crowd: Yeah, a bad choice

Lufis: Heh?

(The crowd disperses a bit to reveal the speaker, a middle-aged man with a handlebar mustache.)

Man with a handlebar mustache: My name's Lou, and I've got a bone to pick with you.

Lufis: ...okay? Do I know you?

Lou: What, you don't remember me? I'm the mechanic you stiffed on repairs for your motorcycle a couple months ago.

Lufis: ...oh yeah, I thought I recognized you! Hey, listen, jerk, I paid you $250 just like you asked me to the first time. It's not my fault you kept jacking up the price.

Lou the Mechanic: I jacked up the price because I care about capitalism! What are you, a communist?

(Concerned murmuring from the crowd)

Lufis: You're nuts.

Lou the Mechanic: Oh, I'm nuts, huh? Maybe you'd care to fork over that extra $50 you owe me?

Lufis: I'm not giving you any more money, you money-grubbing dorkarm!

Lou the Mechanic: ...dorkarm?

Lufis: (he shakes his head) I don't know, either.

Crowd: Commie! Commie! Commie!

Ameris: (shaking her head) I knew this was a bad idea.

Alouise: I tried to warn him.

(Cut back to Lirrian's political HQ, where Dralas and his campaign staff are joined by Lou the Mechanic. Lirrian and Lou high-five.)

Lirrian: That stunt you pulled yesterday was great, Lou! You keep that up, and you'll go far in my administration when we get elected tomorrow.

Sallie: (reading a newspaper) Uh, boss?

Lirrian: What?

Sallie: Even with McCormick out of the race, we're still down four points.

Lirrian: (enraged) WHAT?!

Lou the Mechanic: (stands up) Well, I've gotta get going. I hope I've still got time to endorse Darkshadows before the election.

(Lou leaves.)

Lirrian: ...but... but... NO! I'm not losing this time. This city belongs to me!

Jordan: Sir, we're down four points!

Lirrian: I didn't say we were going to win fairly. Kids... we're going to rig the election.

Delia: (incredulous) Rig the election? How do you propose we do that?

Lirrian: Leave that to me...

(cut to an exterior shot of Central Underworld High School. A sign in the lawn reads, “Election Today”. People are lined up outside, waiting to vote. Sallie, Jordan, Carol, and Dionysus, all dressed in their secret service outfits, quietly stalk up to the line. Once the posse gets within range, Jordan roughly shoves one of the people in line.)

Shoved Woman: Hey, watch it!

Jordan: (shoving her again) You gonna vote for Lirrian Dralas?

Shoved Woman: Agh, no! Stop shoving me!

Jordan: (shoving her once again) You gonna vote for Lirrian Dralas?

Shoved Woman: How are you going to get me to vote for him like this?

Dionysus: 'Cos if you don't vote for Dralas, Agatha Pendlebury of 855 Fifth Street, we're going to have someone shoving you all day, every day until *muffins, sweet buttery muffins* Darkshadows is out of office.

Agatha: Well, the joke's on you. Didn't you hear? Darkshadows promised he's going to pass an anti-shoving ordinance just in case any Dralas supporters pulled coercive tactics like yours to get votes.

Sallie: Promises and results are two different things, Ags. You gonna trust a guy who looks like an inverted Halloween ghost to keep thugs like us from pushing you? Or are you gonna vote for Lirrian Dralas?

Agatha: I'm not voting for someone who wants to put a tax on blues music!

Carol: That tax needs to pass! Otherwise, how are we going to get kickbacks?

Agatha: Forget it!

(The posse grumbles, then departs. Cut to Darkshadow's campaign headquarters, where Darkshadow's campaign staff and supporters are celebrating his victory.)

Jeff: Hooray for the status quo!

Darkshadows: Yes! Six more years of me!

Ponty: You know, it seems to me like that should have taken longer and should have been more involved -

Everyone except Ponty: Shut up, Ponty!

Ponty: Darkshadows didn't even answer an e-mail!

Everyone except Ponty: SHUT UP, PONTY!

Ponty: Gehh, you're all jerks. I'm out of here.

(Ponty leaves, while the others continue celebrating.)



In the next installment of Darkshadows E-mails...

Darkshadows and Lirrian bury the hatchet. Is this the end of this series... of events?

[Mr. Teatime]

Hah, awesome. Great totally original story that I'm sure was not satirically playing off of any real events or sentiments whatsoever.

Palin/Dralas '12

[Ground Man]

E-mail #3: The Best of Fiends

We believe the e-mails are the future, read them all and let them guide the way...

run windows_mail.exe




dear darkshadows what if u and t-time became best friends i think u could take over the wrold

from clara c




C:\> Wait, whoa, hang on. First off, let's just get this out of the way right off the bat, his name isn't Teatime, it's I'm-a-dumb-ugly-guy-who's-never-had-an-original-idea-in-his-life. And second, is this the same Clara that writes that really creepy fan fiction that pairs me romantically with Ray, that guy who runs the record store? Clara Cicero? I bet it is! Listen, girly, I don't care how flowery you try to make your “language”, there's never been a “Princess Abby Normal” in this city, and as Tog is my witness, there never will be!

C:\> Now, what was your question again? What if me and Dumb Ugly Guy became best friends? Well, there's your problem right there, he hates me. Honestly, I can't even remember what I did to get on his nerves so bad in the first place. Also, have you listened to some of things he says? Dude's freakin' insane.

(The doorbell rings from downstairs.)

Darkshadows: (turning his head towards the door; yelling) Somebody get that, I'm busy!

(Cut to the living room. Pointy Hair Man runs in from the kitchen and sprints to the door. He opens it to reveal Lirrian on the porch with a friendly expression.)

PHM: Oh, hi, Teatime.

Lirrian: PHM, we've been over this already. My name's Lirrian now.

PHM: Ohhh, yeahyeahyeah. So, you here to play reversi with me?

Lirrian: Uh, not really. I was hoping I could have a word with Darkshadows, if he's available.

PHM: Oh, sure. He's just checking his e-mail. Come on in, I'll take you right to him!

(Pointy Hair Man ushers Lirrian inside, who steps in side with his arms folded calmly in the small of his back. Cut upstairs to Darkshadows' bedroom, where Darkshadows is still answering the e-mail.)

C:\> Which brings me to another point! What is it with you kids and burning me in effigy in your backyard? And don't go for that cop-out answer of “Oh, no, Mr. Mayor, that was my parents!”, I can see you from the bathroom window, I know it's you punks!

(Pointy Hair Man barges into the room, followed by Lirrian; Darkshadows looks back briefly, then doubletakes when he notices Lirrian.)

Darkshadows: (stands up and points accusingly at Lirrian) YOU! (he then shifts his accusing point to Pointy Hair Man) And YOU let him in!

Lirrian: Darkshadows...

Darkshadows: C'mon, whatever you're going to do or say, do or say it quick, I'm a busy man with no time for your -

Lirrian: (interrupting) ...I'm sorry.

Darkshadows: - shenanigans – hubbawha?

Lirrian: (he hangs his head) I've been a jerk for years, consumed with hate for you and megalomaniacal designs on your position. I've been a fool, a complete fool. (he looks up to Darkshadows pleadingly) Can you ever forgive me?

Darkshadows: (dumbfounded) Uh...well, um, I, uh, I suppose...

(Lirrian throws himself around Darkshadows, hugging him tightly.)

Darkshadows: ...okay, this is getting creepy.

Lirrian: If there's anything I can do to repay you... and I mean anything...

Darkshadows: So help me if I go to the basement and find Clara Cicero on that stupid laptop!

(cut to Darkshadows and Lirrian in the living room, playing video games.) Lufis enters via the front door.)

Lufis: (walking past the pair, not paying close attention) Hey, Darkshadows. Hey, Lirrian.

Darkshadows: Hey, Lufis.

Lirrian: Hey, Lufis.

(Lufis walks past them and almost heads downstairs before double taking.)

Lufis: Whoa, hang on... Darkshadows and Lirrian, sitting down together at the tab- well, on the comfy sofa of brotherhood? Is this some sort of fanfic?

Darkshadows: Nope. Checked.

Lirrian: (he frowns, not taking his eyes of the screen) Come on, Lufis, is it so hard to believe I'm trying to mend my evil ways?

(Lufis appears to ponder this. Flashback to Lirrian walking down a street. He crosses paths with a poodle.)

Flashback Lirrian: (kicking the dog) Get out of my way!

(Lirrian continues on his way. Flashback to Lirrian walking down the same street. This time, he crosses paths with a Underworldian man.)

Underworldian Man #1: Pardon me.

(Lirrian clocks the man in the jaw, pushes him onto the ground and kicks him a few times.)

Flashback Lirrian: (kicking the man throughout) Don't – you – ev - er – talk – to – me!

(Lirrian walks away, whistling. Flashback again to Lirrian in a movie theater. A cellphone goes off: Lirrian answers.)

Flashback Lirrian: (loudly, on the phone) Hello? Oh, hi, Mom! Yeah, I can talk! How are things? Funny you should ask...

(As Lirrian talks, more people turn around and glare at him.)

Flashback Lirrian: (loudly, on the phone) ...I got your letter in the mail yesterday. I said, I got your letter in the mail yesterday...

(Lirrian looks around at the people glaring at him.)

Lirrian: (covering the mouthpiece; irritated) Do you mind?

(fade back to the present day. Lufis nods his head absently)

Lufis: To be quite honest... (he shakes his head) Yes, it's near impossible, as it must be for anyone with half a brain.

Darkshadows: (throwing his controller up in the air, laughing) Haha, nice one, buddy, you got me!

Lufis: ...as I said, for anyone who has half a brain.

Lirrian: Well, I'm sorry, Paranoid Pete, but me and my best buddy Darkshadows are having the time of our lives. So, butt out. (he waves Lufis off with one hand, not taking his eyes off the screen) Shoo.

Lufis: Well, fine. But this still smells fishy.

(Lufis stalks downstairs. Cut to Lufis, Lorna, and Ponty in Darkshadows' basement. Lufis is sitting at the table, staring at his laptop, while Lorna and Ponty are standing behind him, peering over his shoulder. Ponty is munching noisily on a BLT.)

Lufis: I don't understand it. I don't remember writing anything about Darkshadows and Lirrian becoming friends. I thought Archmage White said that this thing would let us mold this universe to our will.

Lorna: That is what he said.

Lufis: So why is it when I try to write ourselves out of situations like this, it overwrites my changes?

Ponty: Seems to me... (munch, munch)...seems to me like the laptop has a mind of its own.

Lufis: (he turns back and glares at Ponty; irritably) Why, thanks for that brilliant deduction, Sherlock! Why don't you go eat a doormat? (he turns back his computer)

Ponty: I tried eating a... (munch, munch, munch) ...doormat once. It wasn't very tasty, let me tell you.

Lorna: I dunno, Lufis, maybe this is just one of those things that is going to have to resolve itself.

Lufis: Can we really wait for everything to return to the status quo? I mean, I'm scared now.

Lorna: (he shrugs) Fine, don't wait. It's not going to be my face over the fire.

(Lorna turns and leaves. Ponty continues looking over Lufis' shoulder, munching away at his sandwich.)

Lufis: ... (typing as well as speaking) “...and then Ponty got food poisoning from bad bacon and had to leave Lufis alone.”

(Ponty covers his mouth, his face flush, and rushes upstairs. Lufis snickers and cracks his knuckles. Cut to Darkshadows and Lirrian skipping down Despot Drive, laughing all the way. They stop when they meet up with Ameris and Alouise.)

Darkshadows: Hey, look, bestest buddy! It's Bashful and Doc.

Ameris: And which ones are you? Dorky and Schizo?

Lirrian: (genial laugh) Oh, she zinged us a good one, ol' buddy, ol' pal of mine!

Ameris: Wait, hang on a second. (she points at Darkshadows, then at Lirrian) Since when are you two so buddybuddy?

Darkshadows: Why, since this morning! I have to tell you, this guy is a hoot! I forgot how much fun we used to have, before the... unpleasantness.

Lirrian: Yeah, let's never talk about that ever again.

(Darkshadows and Lirrian skip off, singing happily. Ameris and Alouise share a nonplussed look, then continue walking as well. The camera follows the latter pair.)

Alouise: What do you make of that?

Ameris: (sigh) What does it matter?

Alouise: ...eh, I suppose you're right.

(The pair continue on their way. Cut to a montage of Lirrian and Darkshadows having fun, first at a bowling alley, then at the roller rink, and then setting fire to Ponty's hair. Cut to the two parting ways in front of Darkshadows' house. Teatime skipping off towards his palatial manor, Darkshadows up his front walk. As he opens the door, he bounces off of Lufis, Lorna, and Fred.)

Darkshadows: Whoa, what the? What are you punks doing here?

Lufis: We live here.

Darkshadows: Ah, yeah. Well, get out of the way. There's a new episode of Burn Notice on tonight, I want to get ready to watch it with Lirrian.

Lorna: See, that's the problem. We don't think Lirrian has your best interests at heart with this... frankly surprising turn in his relationship with you.

Fred: There's something we think you ought to see.

(Cut to the basement. Darkshadows, Lufis, Lorna, Fred, and now Ponty [his hair still singed] are huddled around Lufis' laptop, watching a YouTube video. It's grainy, but Lirrian and Sallie can clearly be made out in what can be assumed to be a room in Dralas Manor.)

Video Lirrian: I can't believe he's actually falling for it! It almost makes it worth going to these inane places with him. I tell you, once I plant that bomb on his TV, I'm never skipping again.

Video Sallie: We weren't talking about that, though, sir, we were talking about my pay. I need to pay for WoW somehow.

Video Lirrian: To the birds with WoW and the horse it rode in on! I'm not playing you a bloody cent until next month!

(Lirrian snootily thumbs his nose and walks out of the room. Sallie, ticked, walks towards the camera)

Video Sallie: I'll teach him not to welch on a deal...

(The video ends. Darkshadows glowers angrily)

Darkshadows: That fink was playing me this whole time!

Lorna: Want me to compose a nasty song about him?

Lufis: I could totally screw up his topiaries.

Ponty: I could raid his food stocks!

Fred: I could... uh... throw myself through his window?

(Darkshadows sighs.)

Darkshadows: (dejected) Nah... just, uh... one of you just punch him in the face when he comes here, okay?

(Darkshadows gets up and glides up the stairs. Lufis, Lorna, Fred and Ponty stand around, awkwardly)

Lorna: ...wow. He's taking this pretty bad.

Lufis: ...hmmm...

(Lufis sets down to his laptop and pulls up the world transcript. He jabs a finger at the screen.)

Lufis: I knew it! Somebody's been screwing with the transcript again!

(Lufis types furiously, and the world changes around him. He stands up, and suddenly Darkshadows pops into existence on the chair.)

Lorna: Want me to compose a nasty song about him?

Lufis: I could totally screw up his topiaries.

Ponty: I could raid his food stocks!

Fred: I could... uh... throw myself through his window?

Darkshadows: No, no, nonono.All of that at once.

Lufis: That's better.

Darkshadows: (getting up) Yeah! Let's kick some Dralas can!

(The group run up the stairs and out of the house; they bump into Lirrian on their way out the door.)

Lirrian: (grinning) Oh, hi, DS!

Lufis: Look, there he is!

Darkshadows: Break his legs!

Lirrian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(Lufis, Lorna, Fred, and Ponty step away from Darkshadows and Lirrian.)

Lirrian: What's... what's going on, bro?

Darkshadows: (steaming mad) You just save it, you spiky-haired sheepshearer. I saw that YouTube video of you and Sallie talking about blowing up my TV today!

(Lirrian blinks.)

Lirrian: ...she put that on YouTube?!

Darkshadows: Yeah, and when i'm done kicking you to the curb, I'll put the video of that on YouTube, too!

Lirrian: (looking around) Uh... I don't see a ca-

(Darkshadows punches Lirrian in the face, sending him reeling and giving him a nosebleed.)

Darkshadows: THERE'S YOUR FRICKIN' CAMERA! IT'S MY FIST IN YOUR GRILL!

(Lorna steps up and kicks Lirrian in the shin.)

Lorna: And that's the Shinkicker Special!

(Lufis then runs up and grabs Lirrian by the scruff of his shirt; it promptly catches on fire. Lirrian screams bloody murder.)

Lufis: With a side order of fries!

(Ponty throws Fred at Lirrian, hitting him in the face and further breaking the would-be despot's nose.)

Ponty: On the rocks!

(The rotund rabblerouser then picks Lirrian up and shakes him vigorously.)

Ponty: How about a shake with that?

(Ponty drops the broken Lirrian, then throws a few unexplained tomatoes, a few heads of lettuce, and a couple of sliced cucumbers at him.)

Ponty: I'm about to prepare a salad... out of you!

(Ponty then produces a bottle of ranch dressing from... well, perhaps it's best not to think about exactly where it came from... and pours the contents onto Lirrian's head. Those not involved in the spectacle slowly edge away as Poty continues his grisly work. Cut back to Darkshadows' computer, where Darkshadows is finishing answering his e-mail.)

C:\> I learned something today, Clara, and I think you did too, I mean, you live across the street, after all, you probably saw the whole thing. I learned that you should never invite Ponty to a lynch mob. Because somehow, no matter who you're trying to lynch or why, he ends up turning it into a frickin'
cooking show.

C:\> Oh, and you probably learned that Dumb Ugly Guy is a tool. I already knew that, though.

(Darkshadows gets up, looking out the window with a wishut upl frown)

Darkshadows: (choking up) I... I already knew that...

(Quick pan down to the basement, where a little, blonde-haired girl of about eight is sitting at Lufis' laptop, typing intently.)

Clara Cicero: Yes, that's right... Dance, puppet! DANCE! Ahahahahaha!!



In the next installment of Darkshadows E-mails...

Lufis, Jordan, and Carol get stranded in the city of Normsville, in the (presumably) nearby country of Countryton. There, they run afoul of the local band of chronic haters, putt-putt champions, crazy old war vets, con artists, boring webcomic artists, and Bothers.

[Ground Man]

E-mail #4: Oh Bother, Where Art Thou

Cyclone E-mail! E-mail! Maximum Drive!

run emailclient.joke




Dear Darkshadows,

I know you live in Underworld, but i was just of wondering: what other places are there where you are?

Sincerly,

Marvin M.
Brooksfield, Countryton




C:\> Wow. that's a real stupid question, isn't it? You already know about pretty much everyplace that matters, like my house... and... uh... my house. really, that's the only cool thing around. So you can stop of wondering, Merlin. Well, that was easy. I guess I should get back to playing Dwarf Fortress. Sincerely, your idol, Darkshadows.

(Darkshadows closes his e-mail client and boots up Dwarf Fortress. He drums his finger-analogues on the desk, then stops.)

Darkshadows: Huh. Usually stuff starts happening when I answer e-mails like that. But not this time. Nobody barging into my room, no out-of-place flashbacks...

(He shrugs)

Darkshadows: Oh well!

(As Dwarf Fortress starts up, fade to black. Fade open to a closeup of Lufis, lying face-down in an alley. He comes to with a groan. He sits up and shakes his head, then opens his eyes... to find himself face to face with the muzzle of an assault rifle held by Jordan, in his Dralas Secret Service suit.)

Jordan: So kind of you to wake up, McCormick.

Lufis: (woozily) ...uh... Cash? Wh.... where are we?

(Jordan chuckles.)

Jordan: "Where are we," he asks. Can you believe this guy, Carol?

(Zoom out to see the full picture: Lufis is sitting on the ground, Jordan threatening him with the rifle, and Carol, also decked out in her secret service suit, stands behind the spellsword, aiming a pistol at his back.)

Carol: He's a real piece of work, Jordan.

Jordan: Let me refresh your memory, Boromir, Prince of Gon-dumb. Carol and I were loitering outside Darkshadows' house, minding our own business... well, we -may- have been fiddling with a explosives kit, I dunno. Then you come careening out of the house like a wild man, sword swinging all over the place and chanting your nonsense. Next thing I know, I'm lying face-up in this alley along with my associate and your sorry self, plus a new headache friend to keep me company. What would you know about that, mmmm?

Lufis: (finally somewhat cognizant) I don't know any teleportation spells... (mutters) ...in this continuity.

Carol: Then what did happen, razorneck?

Lufis: I don't know, I just woke up, remember? (he bats Jordan's assault rifle away) Stop pointing that thing at me! If you were gonna kill me, you'd have done it already.

(Jordan seethes quietly as Lufis stands up, wobbling)

Lufis: Now - whoa - the first thing we need to do is get our bearings. We need to ask someone for directions.

(As they speak, a greasy-haired young man wheels into the alley with a Buy-Mart shopping cart full of useless junk. Upon noticing the three, he grins excitedly, and slicks his hair back a bit. Jordan slings his assault rifle onto his back, and Carol holsters her pistol, then gestures to the greasy-haired man)

Carol: Ask away, Doofus.

(Lufis tugs his tunic down a bit, then approaches the greasy-haired man)

Lufis: Ah, excuse me, my good man -

(Greasy-Haired Man holds a finger up to silence the spellsword, then begins digging through his Cart O' Junk.)

Greasy-Haired Man: Up bup bup bup, say no more, say no more, friend! I know exactly what you need, yeah?

Lufis: ...uh... you do?

(Greasy-Haired Man produces a T-shirt from the mess. The T-shirt reads: "I came to Normsville, and All I Got Was This [FANTASTIC] T-Shirt". [FANTASTIC] is clearly pasted on the shirt with duct tape, probably to cover the word "Lousy".)

Greasy-Haiired Man: You and your friends want these shirts! 100% blend, probably washable! How many can I put you down for, thirty? A thousand? Thirty thousand?

Lufis: Ah, actually, I was wondering if you could tell us where we are, sir.

Greasy-Haired Man: (confused) ...I don't get it. How can you be here without knowing where you are?

Lufis: (flatly) It's a long story.

Greasy-Haired Man: (chipper once more) Well, then, let me be the first to welcome you to the City of Normsville!

(Lufis, Jordan, and Carol look between each other. They shrug collectively.)

Lufis: (turning back to Greasy-Haired Man) Never heard of it.

Greasy-Haired Man: (frowns) Ya gotta be kidding me. Normsville! It's the capital of Countryton!

(Lufis, Jordan, and Carol look between each other again, One more, they shrug collectively.)

Lufis: (turning back to the Greasy-Haired Man again) Not ringing a bell.

Greasy-Haired Man: Well, surely, you've heard of me? Dr. Robert P. McGee, M.D., Ph.D, MSG, at yer service.

(Lufis just gives Robert a long, incredulous look.)

Robert: Jeez, you people don't know anything. Well, I'd be happy to give you all the grand tour of the city...

Lufis: I think that might help.

Robert: (grinning, he holds his hand out) Five dollars each, please.

(Carol unholsters her pistol and points it at Robert.)

Robart: (nervously) Haha, just joshing ya, just joshing ya, for you three, it's on the house.

Carol: (sweetly) I thought it might be.

(The four exit the alleyway, Robert keeping his Cart 'O Junk in tow. Led by Robert, the group cautiously ambles through the streets of Normsville.)

Robert: So who can I say I had the... um, pleasure, yes, of having met today?

Jordan: Jordan Cash, mercenary.

Carol: Carol Dyson, mercenary.

Lufis: Lufis McCormick, professional "Just This Guy You Know."

Robert: Interesting, interesting. Where you guys from?

Lufis: A little town called Underworld. It's somewhere... uh, it's somewhere.  I don't know where it is in relation to where we are.

(Soon enough, they are confronted by a heavyset bald man.)

Robert: (looking up) Oh. Uh, hi, Bother.

Lufis: Bother? Rather dull nickname for someone, don't you think?

Carol: Hardly seems like the sort of thing you should be calling large bald men standing in the middle of the sidewalk.

Robert: You'll figure out why we call him that in a moment.

(Bother just sort of... stands there with a dopey look on his face. Robert waves his hand in front of Bother's face, and Bother reacts by punching Robert in the shoulder.)

Bother: Bother!

(With that, Bother bounds past the group.)

Robert: (clearly in pain) Ow, yeeze!

Jordan: ...and you just let him do that?

Robert: You try catching him afterward.

(Jordan peers off after Bother nonplussed.)

Jordan: If he tries punching me in the shoulder, I'll catch him, alright. In the shoulder. With a 7.62 round. Or five.

Lufis: We've got someone like that back home... only he's thin, he's got pointy black hair, he's not really all that dumb, and he doesn't usually hit people in the shoulder as a general greeting.

Robert: ...so, in other words, he's nothing like Bother at all.

Lufis: Pretty much.

(cut to the group wandering past the Normsville Putt-Putt Greens. Robert gestures towards the green, continuing the tour.)

Robert: Here we have the historic Normsville Putt-Putt Greens. This is where Johnny "Tap-Tap" Morrison won the National Putt-Putt championship in '93.

Carol: (sarcastic) How thrilling.

Jordan: (sarcastic) Truly the sport of champions.

Robert: (pressing on) The new rising star around here, of course is Tod the Toad.

Lufis: (puzzled) Tod the Toad? You're telling me the champion of your local putt-putt... thing is a golfing frog?

Robert: No, nononno, he's a kid. He just likes frogs, is all. Usually keeps one on his head for good luck, says it keeps him balanced.

(As if on cue, a sandy-blonde haired boy with a frog perched on his head rounds the corner facing the group. The kid waves to Robert.)

Tod: Hi, Mr. McGee.

Robert: Well hi there, Tod.

(Tod eyes Lufis, Jordan and Carol for a moment.)

Tod: (to Lufis) Are you the President?

Lufis: (blinks, then laughs) Y'know, kid, I really wish I was. Then maybe I'd know where I am.

(Tod gives Robert a puzzled look. Robert shrugs, then wrings his hands in anticipation.)

Robert: So, so, so! (he rummages around in his Cart 'O Junk) Lufis, Carol, Jordan, what say you all buy yourselves one of these commemorative Tod action figures to remember this happy moment?

(Robert produces from the myriad pieces of detritus three figurines, presumably of Tod. The figurines, however, are of dismally low quality. The three look over the figurines appraisingly.)

Lufis: What the hell...? Well, there's a blob of green on its head... at least I think it's the head.

Carol: And that thing it's holding... holding?... it could be a putter...

Jordan: (flatly) His pants are red. (pointing at Tod) He's not wearing red pants. Hey, kid! You ever wear red pants?

Tod: Uh...

(Robert gestures urgently at Tod, but Tod doesn't notice.)

Tod: ...no... not that I can remember, mister.

(Robert facepalms.)

Lufis: Yeh, you go ahead and keep these.

Robert: (sigh) Alright already. Obviously, you folks wouldn't know quality if it beat you over the head with a frying pan. Nice seeing you, Tod. C'mon, let's keep going.

(The group leaves, waving to Tod as they pass by. Cut to a row of pleasant suburban houses. The group continues for a bit, but stop at the sound of gunfire. Jordan and Carol draw their weapons; Lufis reaches back for his sword and curses softly at its absense. Robert squats downn on the spot, causing his cart to go rolling off into a hedge.)

Jordan: The hell was that?!

(A few more shots go off, finally stopping with a distinctive "ping".)

Carol: ...wait... an M1 Garand?

Robert: (laughs) Ah, it's nothing, just Old Man Nexus.

Lufis: (relaxing slightly) Who?

Robert: An old war vet who lives on this street. C'mon, I'll introduce ya.

(Robert retrieves his cart from the hedge, and the group continue to a house unique among the others on the street by the war-scarred front lawn, complete with entrenchments, tripwires, and a number of bullet-riddled flamingos.)

Lufis: Uh... should we do something to announce ourselves?

Robert: Well, you might want to holster your weapons there...

(Jordan and Carol grudgingly holster their firearms.)

Robert: ...but old Horace only shoots the flamingos. (conspiratorial stage whisper) He thinks he's still in the middle of the war.

Carol: Which war?

Robert: Dunno. It changes from time to time.

Lufis: How long a time?

Robert: (shrugs) Every other sentence? Close to it?

(The four make their way up the front walk. Robert sets his cart next to the porch steps, then steps up to ring the doorbell. The door is opened by a raven-haired woman in black clothing.)

Robert: Oh, Patricia, fancy seeing you here.

Patricia: Rob. (she looks over Robert's shoulder at Lufis, Jordan, and Carol) Halloween was last month, y'know.

Robert: (stage whisper) They're out-of-towners.... really weird out-of-towners.

Lufis: Hey, I resemble that remark.

Patricia: Well, come on in, if you want. Adam's upstairs with Mr. Nexus.

Robert: Heeey, that saves us a stop!

(Robert waves everyone in. Carol and Jordan enter without incident, but as Lufis tries to pass the threshold, Patricia stops him.)

Patricia: Oh, hell no. I hate guys with auburn hair, you can stay outside.

Robert: (facepalm) It's always something with you. Can't you pick just one thing to hate?

Lufis: Nah, nah, it's fine. I'll wait out here.

(Patricia closes the door. Lufis kicks a rock, which lands in the grass. A land mine goes off, causing Lufis to jump back into the wall, then fall prone onto the porch. Cut to inside. Patricia  leads Robert, Jordan, and Carol upstairs, then into Horace's room. It's decked out in definitive "wartime" decor, though in a manner that hasn't decided what war it's decorated as. Highlights include a Union flag from the American Civil War, a set of battle fatigues dating only to Desert Storm, and a rather old copy of the Magna Carta. Sitting by the window is an old man ina  wheelchair wearing a United States Marines uniform of indeterminate age, aiming an M1 Garand frantically out the window. This is presumably Horace Nexus.)

Horace: Durnit, I see ya, ya Nazi jerks, pokin' yer heads out of yer foxholes...

(He fires once, then pumps a wizened fist.)

Horace: Hah! Better dead than Red, Charlie! Bet ya feel mighty sore workin' fer Napoleon now, don'cha?

Patricia: Mr. Nexus, sir!

(Horace dives to the ground, the wheelchair apparently being just for show. He grumbles as he stands, cautiously away from the window and towards the group.)

Horace: Eh, whad'dye want? And who are these clowns, eh? Enemy spies? Heh? You working for the Martians, are ye?

(He pokes Jordan in the chest, but Jordan gently bats the old man's finger away.)

Jordan: Don't do that.

Patricia: You know Robert, Mr. Nexus. These two are some out-of-towner friends of his. They came to see you.

Horace: Heh, that so? (he eyes Jordan's gun) S'that a Kalashnikov, boy?

Jordan: Certainly is. (with his best Samuel L. Jackson impression) AK-47, the very best there is.

Horace: Yeh, y'say that now. They didn't help the Polacks during the Sino-Japanese war, I tell y'what. We licked them but good, with grit, determination, and a little number I like to call the Springfield! ...heh, come to think of it, maybe that was the Saudis in the Great War. M'mind, it ain't what it used to be.

Carol: (derisively) You can say that again. (to Robert) Look, how is any of this getting us home, again?

Robert: (nonplussed) Sorry?

Carol: (sternly) How are you going to get us home?

Robert: ...uh, I thought you guys were going to go back the same way you came here.

Carol: (irritated) We don't know how we got here.

Robert: Well, I can't very well help you then, can I?

(Carol quivers with rage and tries to stomp back downstairs. She is blocked by a rather nervous, average-looking man with a sketchbook.)

Carol: Get out of my way!

Average-looking Man: Oh, um, okay.

(The average-looking man gets out of Carol's way, and she stops downstairs and outside. the man then turns his attention to the crowd in the doorway.)

Average-looking Man: I, uh, wasn't aware we weren't the only people visiting today, Patricia.

Patricia: (distastefully) Robert brought some friends.

Average-looking Man: O-oh, hi. I'm Adam, Adam Adderly.

Jordan: (not looking at Adam, waves him off) Yeah, great, someone downstairs'll listen to you. (to Horace) Now listen, old man, I'll have you know that this 'K and I have been through some tight situations...

(cut to Lufis and Carol on the porch.)

Carol: (irate) I mean, am I the only one who would much rather be back home than in this... friggin'creepy little city?

Lufis: I know what you mean... my flower garden won't tend itself.

Carol: Well then, let's go tell Captain Grocery Cart to stop playing tour guide and tell us where the hell Underworld is!

Adam: (in the doorway) Underworld?

(Lufis and Carol nearly jump out of their shoes. Indeed, Carol unholsters her pistol and aims it at Adam, who puts his hands up, stammering idly.)

Carol: (holstering her pistol) Oh, it's just the lamewad I passed on the stairs. Yes, Underworld. don't suppose you've heard of it?

Adam: Oh, yeah. It's just west of here. It's... actually just on the other side of the border.

Lufis: ...what.

Adam: Oh, yeah. That's where the sock factory is. Industrial District of Underworld. I work there.

Lufis: It was just to the west the whole time?

Adam: (not paying attention) I like socks. I like rocks, too. I write a webcomic about them, you know. It's popular among srock enthusiasts.

Lufis: (to Carol, not paying attention to Adam) Why haven't we heard of this city, if it's just to the east of Underworld?

Adam: (still going) I update every Saturday and Sunday. It's the highlight of several people's week.

Carol: (not paying attention, talking over Adam) Think about it. Would you have cared about this place if you'd known about it before?

Lufis: Probably not... but I bet now that we know about it, we're going to have to deal with these clowns on a semi-regular basis.

Carol: Something tells me you're right.

(Jordan pushes past Adam and steps onto the porch)

Jordan: The Shopping Cart Hero is trying to sell me cheap World War III memorabilia. There hasn't been a World War III yet. I tell him so, he just gives me this line about "being the first guy on my block to have memorabilia from the coming war." When can we leave?

Carol: Right now. Home is due west. Let's go.

(the three Underworldians walk down the path and off down the street. Cut to Darkshows' living room. Darkshadows is playing Demon's Souls with Pointy Hair Man.)

Darkshadows: ...hey.

PHM: What?

Darkshadows: Have you seen the red-haired guy lately?

PHM: I see lots of things.

Darkshadows: Did you see the red-haired guy?

PHM: ...nope.

Darkshadows: Heh. You'd think I'd have seen him by now, wouldn't you? It's nearly five o'clock.

PHM: I dunno. Maybe.

Darkshadows: ...also, why are you screwing with that controller? There's no local multiplayer in this game.

PHM: (brightly) I'm helping!

Darkshadows: (eyeroll) Whatever.

(The door opens. Lufis stalks into the living room,pointing his finger at Darkshadows.)

Lufis: You!

Darkshadows: (brightly, but not taking his eyes off the game) Oh, hey, there's the red-haired guy! How's it going, or something.

Lufis: I saved your sorry butt from getting pipe-bombed today, then got flung a good five miles away on the other side of the border. What were you doing about seven hours ago?

Darkshadows: (still playing, clearly not that interested) Dunno... checked my e-mail,played Dwarf Fortress, lurked VideoTIPS...

Lufis: (he points again, more emphatically) I knew it! Whenever you check your damn e-mail, crazy things happen! You want to know who I was forced to spend my Saturday with?

Darkshadows: (not playing attention) Sure, sure.

Lufis: I was forced to deal with two members of Lirrian Dralas' goon squad and a slick nerd with a shopping cart full of useless garbage! We walked through this city's retarded cousin, meeting up with frog-loving children, crazy old men with guns, and a man who punches people in the street!

Darkshadows: (not paying attention) Yeah, and then what happened?

(Lufis, fuming, throws up his hand and stalks out the door again. Darkshadows continues playing his game, oblivious. Another day has come and gone, uselessly, in Underworld...)



In the next installment of Darkshadows E-mails...

In an show of goodwill between Underworld and its finally-noticed sister city of Normsville, Darkshadows and company play a board game with some of the usual Normsville suspects. Things get out of hand.

[Depressio]

Fun fact: despite a few different incarnations and some hiatuses, DSEmails have trumped my beloved Sadmails for longest ongoing email thread.

So yeah, Lufis McCormick, professional "Just This Guy You Know", Smells like...email is your domain. Keep at it.